it spans time and distance

I started describing the events of the wedding weekend. it was boring, and didn't capture the weekend at all. so instead I'm going to throw out a few random little details, the stuff that makes up the rest.

packing twice the number of people around what felt like the kid's table at Christmas at the rehearsal dinner, we caught up. the close-sitting reminding us of trying to fit everyone around the tables in Coates. five of my closest friends from college and I. their husbands and boyfriends. one of whom I've known longer than any of the girls. we met in grade school. and he and I have remained good friends ever since. to hear me tell it, I'm partially to blame for his wonderful marriage to another dear friend.

seeing people I've met only once before, when visiting Austin, I was reminded that great people tend to have great friends. and since both the bride and groom are amazing, the wedding guests were pretty amazing, too. some of the non-college friends I've known for a few years, some I just met the night before. all now seem like dear old friends. all because of our truly wonderful mutual friends that have included us in their circle.

when close friends get together, regarless of how long it's been, regardless of the distance between them, the friendship remains. the lively banter at the girls' brunch to keep the bride company on her big day reminded me of happy hours, and hungover breakfast excursions over a decade ago. we've all changed. grown. some have husbands. some little rugrats running around their houses. some are enjoying the single life. but the friendship is still there. binding us together. regardless of what has happened since we were last together.

the rafters of the converted barn decorated with twinkle lights. the beautiful heartfelt ceremony, where the bride looked beautiful and extremely happy, where the groom looked so emotional, in a good way. the drinking and dancing afterward. the celebration of two wonderful people starting their life together. seeing old friends. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

too much early morning drinking in the hospitality suite after the reception. dragging ourselves out of bed, packing up and meeting for breakfast. one last gathering before we scattered across the country again. I know I'll see them all again soon. the longest it had been since I'd seen one of the girls was last year.

but some hadn't seen each other since school. and so much is happening. for everyone. we wondered when we would all get together again. we promised to start having reunions every few years, since the weddings are getting more and more infrequent. after the next one in April, there are only a few of us left. and none of us anywhere near close to inviting all the girls in for such a celebration.

but as I've said, it doesn't really matter. it could be next year or a decade from now, and our friendship will be there. perhaps different in some ways. but just as strong. exactly why I can be certain our friendship is true.

sometimes it's meant to be

it started off wrong. there were a few minor delays, none of them our fault. all adding up to missing our flight. by about 3 minutes. yes, the plane was still at the gate. yes, the jetway was still attached. no, the airline employee was not understanding or compassionate.

so instead of spending the afternoon with our soon-to-be-married friend, we spent it in the airport. S napped. I worked. although we would have rather been hanging out with my friend, I got most of my work done and S got some needed rest. perhaps getting stuck wasn't so bad afterall.

when we finally arrived in Austin, we grabbed some Tex Mex and waited for our friend to finish her family dinner. then we headed out for drinks with the bride and groom and a few of their friends and family members. although fun, it was so loud I couldn't hear my friends' conversation, and the work waiting for me at the hotel kept invading my thoughts.

after a decent night's rest, and tying up the last few loose ends at work. we ran a few errands. met my dear friend for a late lunch. she told me her great news. she's expecting. it's so wonderful and amazing given the difficulty they had with their first. this one didn't even require a visit to a specialist. as she put it, it was meant to be.

just like our friendship. meant to be. S asked how we met. we traded off telling the story of how or moms met. before we ever went to college. they became fast friends at a parent weekend to give them the low down on the school.

our moms insisted we look each other up when we got to school. thankfully. I'm so very happy for her. I know how badly she wanted to have another baby. it makes me so very happy when things work out as they should for wonderful friends.

trying not to tempt fate

I'm off again. no, not off my rocker. off to Austin. this time it's the wedding festivities weekend. this time I had an equally odd send-off.

another show before heading out of town. another run-in with various people including one certain friend. another fun night out despite the discomfort. and this time I'm not solely talking about the interaction with my friend.

honestly, I'm a little worried about tomorrow. I'm not typically superstitious (except that it's completely my mom's fault the home team couldn't pull off the win Sunday, since she didn't wear her jersey to the game as she had all season). but this is different.

the last time I went to see Cake at the Fillmore, was the night before September 11th. tonight was a great show. got to hang out with a bunch of very cool people. but I was careful not to enjoy it too much. I didn't want to tempt fate.

I know it's completely unreasonable, but I'm frightened to fly tomorrow. although I'm sure nothing will go wrong, sometimes silly unconscious fears can rattle around in my head so much that they begin to effect my conscious thought.

a great Dame

I sense a theme lately. it's purely unintentional. but I must say, tonight's guy in dame's clothing was much classier than our breakfast servers on Saturday. (except for perhaps the peacock green eyeshadow.)

I went to see Dame Edna; Back with a Vengeance tonight with my mom and sister.

it was absolutely hilarious! we'd seen her his her the last time she was in town and laughed for days afterward. my mom was even a proud waver of a gladiola at the end of the last show.

so this time, when our first round of tickets had to be changed because my friend's wedding was scheduled for the same day. and changed again when some football game got scheduled for the same time. we didn't mind the hassle. (although in hindsight, perhaps we should have been laughing with the Dame instead of watching the game.)

so, Possums, if you have never seen her, I highly recommend finding a show to see in your area. it's smart, self-deprecating humor. the crowd gets teased a bit. and the whole show conversation is fantastic. if you can, try to sit in the first few rows. you won't regret it.

back in school

I really felt like I was back in college again this weekend, at the very least grad school.

it started with watching sappy chick flicks with friends Friday night, as that's what my newly single friend wanted to do. the three of us all went to college together, although I don't think we ever watched movies together. sitting there laughing (and crying) over silly storylines reminded me of our days in the dorms.

college, when friends were always close. just down the hall or across the apartment complex. there if you needed someone to listen or needed someone to not ask you questions and just drink a few shots and play some pool.

the feeling extended into Saturday. when my fabulous short-term roommate got picked up to hit the slopes. I declined their invitation to head up the hill with them since I thought I had too much to do. no sooner had they left, then they returned. the traffic was ridiculous, they were going to breakfast instead.

for that I decided I could join them. we went to an entertaining little place for breakfast. entertaining in that the waitresses are guys. yes. waitresses. the drag dressing was fantastic, they act the part and the food was great.

eventually we wandered downtown to watch a movie, grabbed some beer and played indoor nerf football. wasting my day away, probably more so than if I'd hit the slopes. oh, well. it was fun, and it reminded me of hanging out with my guy friends in college.

then it was off to a birthday shindig for my other little sister. our families have been friends for forever, and she is my sister's best friend. she had family and close friends over to celebrate her day. we told stories of childhood, of high school. her dad asked me how many guys were courting me. I laughed. only her dad could get away with using that term. and the last time he asked me that, I'm sure I was in school.

then a little quality mom time to round out the weekend. she used to come visit me occasionally in college. going out to dinner with just her after the game made me feel really young again. really happy to see her. (even though the whole family had hung out just last week.) like she'd come to town to just see me.

by the end of the weekend I started to miss my college days. but after further consideration I know I don't want to go back. I can't go back. (although I'm sure I'll be nostalgic again come this weekend, which looks to be a mini-reunion for a friend's wedding.)

so, why is it that we only remember the good times? with college, with relationships? no wonder I think my life is great, I've conveniently forgotten most of the bad and boring times.

I have news

alright, so I don't have news, but that was said many times last week. over wine and incredible food, news was shared. various flavors of news. some incredibly good. some incredibly sad. and some a bit of both.

S had incredible news about her health. she's been dealing with things brought on by a car accident that wasn't her fault. the doc gave her the good news earlier in the week.

she made me tear up when she told us. and the tears started to fall when she thanked me for my help over the past few years. I live closest to her. and she's had to rely on others for things for a while. and I am so extremely happy that she doesn't have to do that anymore. that she has her freedom back.

J had news as well. only she didn't want to talk about it really. she just quietly let us know that she was no longer dating her boyfriend. she was too upset to go into further detail. and although someday soon, she'll need us to listen to the story, for the night she just needed to forget.

and so, to change the subject, B let us know that she and her family were likely moving. not closer to downtown and the rest of us, as they'd talked about last year. but to the east coast.

I teared up again. I've known B and lived in the same city with her for over fifteen years. I'm going to miss her terribly. but I'm so happy for her husband's work opportunity, for her to experience new things. the same way I (and I'm sure most of the other girls) feel about both E and R's upcoming moves.

so we promised to take girls' night on the road. to see our soon-to-be far away friends. both B and R lamented how hard it will be for them to find a great group of friends in their new cities as we have here now. we joked that those of us left behind would have to find new friends, as well, since everyone's leaving.

on my way home I realized things were changing. just when I say to myself that I love my life, I have amazing friends, my job is going well, almost everything is great, something has to come along and shake things up. remind me.

remind me that I can't rely on anything outside of myself for my happiness. although they shape who I am, things change. friends (even great ones) come and go. guys. jobs. health issues, too. at the end of the day, my happiness is up to me.

still waiting

she walked into the room. she could see him out of the corner of her eye. but she had to play this cool. at least as cool as he was. although she already knew he had asked about her earlier, she couldn't let on that she knew that.

she looked around and spotted her friends. they grabbed a drink. one of them told a story and they all laughed. she didn't really hear what was being said. but laughed along with the others.

her mind was filled with other thoughts. with how gently he let her down when she asked him to hang out. he had other plans, but would love to hang out sometime. she believed him.

his words were always what she needed to hear. it was his actions that were sometimes lacking.

they had been friends for a while. she couldn't remember when she first met him. it seemed to her as if she'd always known him.

she felt comfortable around him. even now. despite the butterflies that ensued after their first kiss. things had been different since then. but she wasn't exactly sure how. and whether the different was good or not.

in her need to understand what was going on, she decided that it came down to that night. to how he acted when he saw her. words are easy. if nothing else, she'd learned that.

as she and her friends were talking, he walked right past her. brushing her arm as he passed. he didn't appear to see her standing there. she felt foolish, suddenly. she feigned interest in her friends' conversation.

a few minutes passed. she turned around to set her drink on the bar, just as he was walking right toward her. he stopped and gave her a big bear hug. they briefly chatted, but he had to get back. she knew he was in a hurry. and the short conversation didn't mean anything.

afterward, he walked over to talk to her and her friends. he seemed nervous, but she couldn't tell if she was simply projecting. the conversation was even shorter this time. he had to take care of something, but said he would be back in a minute.

he never came back. she waited. too long. she talked to most of his friends. her friends were all leaving. and although part of her wanted to wait, she couldn't. not alone.

she had thought that he would call her, or at least send her a note. asking where she had run off to. but days passed and nothing.

she wondered if she should have been the one to send the note. or make the call.

was he wondering, just as she was, what happened. or had she already given every benefit of the doubt imaginable. let too many things slide. exhausted all of her hopeful wishing that their friendship might turn into more.

even now part of her still waits for him to return. not the guy who kissed her, but her friend. the one who used to make her smile and laugh every morning. the guy who would bring treats to her dog. the one who would just sit and talk with her on a Saturday morning. she misses him.

we now interrupt our regularly scheduled...

I got a little tag from Ari. a while ago.

as you know, I'm not a huge fan of the tag. however, in tagging me she said that I appeared to be so together that I must be dying to spill some not-so-together things about myself. and although (as many of you probably know) I don't feel very together some of the time, spilling a few weird things could be fun.

and so, here goes. I'm supposed to include this next portion.

The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits of yourself," and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says "You have been tagged" (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.

1. I am a neat freak, but I'm also a stasher and piler. The areas of my house that visitors can see must be neat, but don't peer in any drawers or closets and expect to see the same thing. They're not necessarily dirty, just cluttered. I think it extends into my mind, as well. I appear together to many (other than my close friends), but if they could open the trapdoor to my head they'd see stacks and piles of stuff that need to be organized.

2. I stop for coffee every morning. Not because I need my caffeine fix (although usually I do). Not because my office doesn't have decent coffee (because we do). But because I like the routine start to my day. No matter what else the day has in store, at least I'm assured of a friendly face serving me a steaming hot cup of delicious coffee. (Although, that routine may change as I heard disturbing news today that Charbucks is buying out some of my favorite Colorado-based coffee shop's locations. Please, let it not be mine!)

3. I have a hard time throwing things away. I'm not talking about everything. But there's the old ticket stubs, the cards, and of course the boxes. I have boxes in my basement that made the move when my sister and I bought the house over six years ago that have never been unpacked. Now, obviously I don't need anything in the boxes, but on the chance there is something I may need one day in one of them, I will have to go through the entire contents before tossing the boxes.

4. I'm a perfectionist. So much so, that if I don't have the time or ability to do something the way I think it should be done, I won't even try to do it. This is not the best thing for me, given I usually don't have much time and I'm fairly mediocre at just about everything.

5. I am not one who typically is concerned about what others think of me. Unless of course it is a guy friend that turns into a guy I date. Then I tend to obsess over what he thinks about me. (But of course, never let on to him about said obsessing.) And the odd thing is I don't really care what most guys I date think about me after we date, unless we were friends first.

and because this turned out to be entertaining, I'm tagging:
kt
Jen
Undr
Callie
and Wordnerd.

but of course, feel no obligation.... but if you feel like divulging, here's your chance!

gone to the dogs

I woke up Saturday morning to a beautiful day. the sun was shining and TheDog was (impatiently) waiting. she knows on the nice days, if there's time, we take a walk for coffee and dog treats.

although there were a million other things I should have been doing, I grabbed my book and the leash and we headed out the door. as we enjoyed the sun and our respective treats (hers bone-shaped and mine with a bit of caffeine), other dogs brought their people to our favorite urban patio.

the dogs allowed their people to meet. very nice people. the women at the next table commented that you can't trust anyone that doesn't like dogs. I would have to agree. (at least for the most part.) and I'm certain TheDog agrees.

I used to use TheDog's affection for guys as a measure. if they liked her, and she liked them, then they had to be decent guys. for the most part she is a great judge of character. she never really liked NowEx. and she loved my ex that was the best boyfriend I ever had.

but after the weirdness of the second show of my weekend, I'm starting to wonder if sometimes she's not as discerning. she loves my friend. the one that I thought there might be a chance of something more with when he kissed me. but despite sweet words, his actions have not been as sweet. yet, despite those, I don't want to believe that TheDog (I) was wrong about him being a good guy.

and even if there is not a chance for anything more. I'm not willing to give up on our friendship. not yet. but, how do I tell him this, if every time I see him things are strained?

nice plus

I had busy weekend. a great weekend. and this time I'll tell it from the beginning. only because the beginning fits nicely with my last topic.

my friends picked me up Friday to head up to the show. on the way, we had a very lively conversation about nice. I had described a guy that a friend had wanted me to meet as nice. C said that was a death sentence for that guy.

I tried to refute it. but after a while, I realized he was probably right. being just "nice" doesn't get you anywhere (with someone you're hoping to date). you have to be nice and something else. nice plus.

the show was amazing. nothing better than seeing a favorite band with great friends. the boys played most of my favorites. including Vincent of Jersey, the one I sang on stage in college with a couple of friends.

on the way home, some of our "nice" conversation resumed. I asked if being too nice was also a death sentence in the dating world, even if you had other things going for you. the answer was unanimously yes.

and so, between that. other friends telling me I needed to stop being so nice (to certain people). my sister trying to instruct me on how to be TheBitch on occasion. and being called both "too nice" and "too sweet" by two different guys in the last few days, I've realized there may be something behind my SO-less status besides terrible timing.

I know I can never be not nice. but now I'm going to strive for nice plus, but, of course, not too nice. we'll see how that goes.

nice returns

ok. so I went off last night. it's my blog I can say what I want. and I did. and I felt better then. and now said friend has contacted me. and apologized for not doing so sooner. and now I feel badly about it.

see, this is why I'm too nice sometimes. it has nothing to do with how others perceive me. it's all about how I see myself. and I don't like me when I'm not nice. I'd so much rather be nice too often than not often enough.

and as such, although I'm not going to completely revert to my old (we're talking 15-years-ago old) pushover self, I am going to keep in mind how I will feel if I act not nicely.

and since it's nearly the weekend. and since I will have no time to dwell anyway, with two great shows, a playoff game, and one dinner with friends, one with family to go to. I'm not going to worry about it anymore.

there is such a thing as too nice

lately I've been accused of being too nice. of appearing to have it together. well, neither is true.

I definitely do not have it together. (more to come on that soon.) and I definitely am not always so nice.

but, I know that on occassion I am too nice. to the wrong people. and they take advantage of it.

and then I get fed up. and I have to vent. so, here it is.

whatever happened to being courteous? if you tell someone you want to do something with them. if an actual ticket is required to attend said thing. if you tell that person you will let them know whether or not you will be able to attend said event. is it that difficult to send a quick e-mail. make a quick phone call. let them know what you've decided? so the other people interested in said ticket could be forewarned that it is available. in time for them to actually be able to go.

well, apparently it is.

now my question is, how do you call said person on their discourteousness, when they're supposed to be your friend? but apparently have no clue that they were discourteous.

an empty corner

I wrapped the ornaments up, took the lights down. the tree stood there naked. like it was that night.

I had wished at least the lights had been on the tree. if there had been a magical light, maybe things would have been different.

maybe it would have meant something to him. maybe he would have done what he said he would. maybe things would have worked out for once.

and then the tree gets taken out. there's nothing where it used to be. just an empty corner.

belated presents

so I got myself three Christmas presents. with all the extra hours I put in before the holidays, I decided I needed one and deserved the others.

the needed one is to help keep my mountain goat descending as easily as she ascends. and my deserved ones will give me more flexility. one because 24 is starting back up. (not the guy, the show.) and the other is to let me be more creative with one of my artistic passions.

yes, I finally ordered TheDog stair treads and myself a DVR and new digital camera.

TheDog was not descending the slippery hardwood stairs as easily as she once could. now she can run up and down them with ease.

then, I was getting tired of missing my two favorite shows, yet home at times when nothing's worth watching. now I won't miss the favorites, and will have something to watch even on a boring Friday night in.

however, I'm most excited about the camera. my film lenses will fit it. and I can use all the tricks I learned long ago on my old film camera, but now add the digital tricks I've acquired with my little point and shoot and Photoshop.

and so, instead of taking down my decorations, writing anything interesting or responding to tags, I've been carpeting, connecting, assembling and tinkering. I'm sure you'll all get sick of the new pictures soon. well, as soon as I get a new card reader.

martinis and manicures

we were at breakfast Sunday. I was surrounded by friends I'd known for thirteen years. and some I'd known only as many hours.

we were laughing about the idiots we'd met the night before. about the gifts. the manicures. the martinis. about the shopping. the dress fitting. the night out that ended in. the night in that ended out. an amazing weekend.

when my friend S and I arrived in Austin, our soon-to-be-married friend's fiance picked us up at the airport and entertained us until our friend (M) got off work.

he's a great guy. the kind you want to be friends with. the kind you're elated that your friend is marrying. I'd met him when I was down that way for the music festival this fall. S met him Friday, and agreed with my earlier impression.

we had decided to go out Friday night, since the lingerie shower was Saturday, and we were staying in for martinis and manicures then.

we went to a fabulous dinner, then ditched the fiance to hit a hip bar. unfortunately, it was loud, and we wanted to catch up. so after a fantastic martini we headed back to M's house to chat over a few glasses of wine.

M had a dress fitting Saturday, she looks so beautiful in it. one last little alteration, and she'll be all ready. then we shopped in some of the cute funky boutiques. found a few things for her to take on the honeymoon.

then we headed to the shower. her soon-to-be sisters-in-law did a wonderful job. they had prepared dinner for everyone. and of course there were the amazing martinis and manicures. after we opened all the black and lacy loot, we decided to hit the town.

we went out dancing. there were these guys that kept attempting to dance with us. you know, the dance behind a girl, hoping she'll either grind with you or turn around and dance with you. what ever happened to walking up to a girl in a bar and simply saying hi?

anyway, there was a little unwanted ass-grabbing that turned into a little yelling. what idiots. if they had just asked to join us, I'm sure it would have been fun, but they had to act all junior-high about it.

it was unfortunate. one of them, the one I had been exchanging glances with long before the strange episode, was very cute. and although he was not involved in the grabbing or yelling, his choice of friends did nothing for my impression.

we finally got all the yelling girls in the cabs back to the slumber party. Sunday we woke up and headed to breakfast. the girls were inqiring about my love life (or lack therof). I filled them in on my interesting night before I left for the trip. they asked which one I'd most like to date. I know the answer. but wasn't ready to share.

on the way to the airport I checked my phone. a call and a text. both from 24. I hadn't heard from him since before the holidays. I talked to him for a long time when I got back home. when it rains it pours.

celebration of single

I hop a flight in a few short hours to celebrate singleness with a friend that is leaving that status soon. I had a rough day at work, and still had more to get done tonight, but since I'm technically on vacation right now, I went out with kt* tonight and had a very entertaining evening.

we went to see a friend's band play at a small local bar. we were hanging out, talking with our friend, having a great time. when in walks my friend, the one who kissed me about a month ago. he wasn't alone. he appeared to be with a date.

alright. I'd already thought I should be taking the hint, even if I wanted to believe he really was just busy. but now it was rather apparent to me that he had no interest in me anymore, if he ever did.

we briefly talked to him, then no sooner did he take his leave to sit with his maybe-date than I turn around to see Mr. Impatient and another of his friends standing right beside us.

ah, yes, of course. life, fate, small-world whatever has decided to play comedian tonight. we talk a bit. and throughout the evening, both Mr. Impatient and my once-kissed friend stop by on occasion.

I laughed. both inwardly and outwardly. that new leaf? well, I've decided it sure makes things interesting. as I left the bar, I had one number in my pocket and another slight possibility of a taker for an extra concert ticket.

then, as I got into my car, my cell beeped with a new message. it was New Year's guy. he wants to hang out again, soon.

apparently the celebration of single may have started a little early, and who knows, the way things are going, it could turn into an ongoing celebration. and if it does, well, you won't hear me complaining.


* kt, yeah, after I finished my work, I couldn't sleep and decided to write a little. thanks for instigating, yet again!

new leaves

I'm already turning them over.

I know, I know. I don't do resolutions. but I decided in reviewing last year, that I need to do some things a little differently in the future.

after all, doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results is Ben Franklin's definition of insanity. and I need to do all I can to keep my sanity.

and so, I'm expanding my possibilities. I'm making calls I usually wouldn't. I'm not making calls I typically would have.

I don't know yet if anything will come of these changes. but they feel good, so far.

and although I don't typically regret things I have done, I have occasionally regretted things I have not done. so most of these new leaves baring their undersides are along those lines.

I'm trying to be a little less cautious. no, don't worry. I'm not going to get reckless. I'm just usually overly cautious, and would like to see if things turn out differently if I take a few more risks. be a little more spontaneous.

this all started before the calendar switched. I threw caution to the wind a time or two near the end of last year. and maybe the risks haven't worked out as I had hoped. but maybe they still will.

but either way, at least I know I can expand my possibilities a little and still be myself.

maybe this year will be better than the last

he was at the table next to ours. I glanced over at his friend who had said hello as we walked in. he smiled, then quickly, shyly, looked away.

later on (after I had a little liquid courage) we shared a dance. and then a New Year's kiss.

that night I had a dream. that I woke up in his arms. no, not the guy I met on New Year's, but another.

he told me he wanted to see me again. I believed him. even reciprocated the sentiment.

nothing.

yet I continue to happen upon his voice. despite my attempted attitude adjustment, last night, instead of making me smile, it made me feel foolish.

foolish for believing him. for believing in him. for letting myself.

although I don't do resolutions, perhaps I should resolve to stop trusting so freely. to move on. to believe I deserve a guy who means what he says, that such a guy exists. to believe that actions speak louder than words. to let him respond to the opening I gave him, and to believe that if he doesn't he's not worth it. to believe it's his loss if he doesn't want to see what could be.

perhaps that does all go back to the attitude adjustment I was talking about. perhaps I'll be a little more assertive. more optimistic. more positive.

We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential. ~Ellen Goodman

exactly.

here's to the potential of 2006!

you asked me what I want this year

the year ended well. (well, if you ignore Friday afternoon.) things finally fell into place for a place to stay in the mountains. I got to ski with an old friend. had dinner and drinks with friends new and old. even got a kiss (or three) on New Year's Eve. (none from a gwp, but helpful for the deflated ego).

the year began well. skied in the fresh powder with my sister-in-law. got in a nap. and even got to hang with my nieces. the weekend made me treasure the things I do have, even if I missed some that I don't.

I'm working on a better attitude for the new year. a positive outlook. a hope to find better days.

no pain, no gain?

what a crazy twelve months it has been. as each year comes to an end, I tend to think back over the things that have happened. review.

a year ago at this time I was still with NowEx. I thought we were happy together. he bailed on our New Years' Eve plans. I should have known then.

over the year there were various high points and low points.

New Years' Eve spent with new and old friends.

dinner with friends telling me they're knocked up.

ski trips to Winter Park with college friends that were spent on the slopes and in the ER and another with work friends.

guilty kisses with a friend, because although NowEx was gone, I didn't yet want to believe it.

the foolishness I felt when I finally let myself believe it.

ski trips to Breckenridge with friends and family. as many ski days as my back could take.

reconnecting with great freinds from the past.

trips to Hawaii for friends' weddings... yes, twice in one year. and a few other weddings, close to home.

celebrating with good friends as they finished Master's and PhD's.

throwing baby and bridal showers for friends. attending more showers and traveling to crazy Vegas bachelorette parties. and a low key mountain bachelorette weekend.

more doctor and physical therapy visits than I'd like to remember. one ER visit for myself, and, yes, that's a good thing.

jury duty and court cases.

plays and musicals and movies on the plaza. and the annual ski movie, but this year with an old friend, instead of NowEx.

pool parties and ice luges. margarita fiestas and Colorado native parties. halloween party hopping and football games. and friends in town for visits.

girls' nights and photographer's slide shows.

five first kisses. first kisses that turned into more. first kisses that didn't. and one first kiss, with hope for more.

getting back to writing, pottery class and a triathlon. and making incredible new friends in the process.

crazy trips to a music festival and towards a hurricane. reminders of other storms. and a tribute show of a friend.

beer festival turning into a run-in with the past.

a road trip with the most amazing woman I know.

excellent shows including:
BHTM², the Nadas, U2, Glen Phillips, Keb Mo, John Hiatt and the North Mississippi Allstars, Mark Knopfler, the Fray², Marc Cohn and Suzanne Vega, the Killers, Jonny Lang, Gipsy Kings, Jack Johnson, Tom Petty and the Black Crowes, DMB², the Decemberists*, Paul McCartney, and of course my friend's band, many times.
other not-so-excellent shows including:
Hello Dave, Jewel, Maroon 5, TMBG, Madelleine Peyroux...
(um, yeah, you know about my little problem, right?)

and linking some off these "events" had me reading through posts of non-specific days. of many wonderful dinners with friends. of quality family time. of hanging out with TheDog. of the tribulations I perceived this year. even my silly "woe is single me" laments.

and after reviewing the events and non-specific things of the past year, something I know, but that seems to slip through the memory cracks on occasion, came back to me. I remembered that life is about moments, not events. the little things are truly those that matter.

and despite some pain along the way, the moments add up to an amazing year of wonderful memories shared with my incredible friends and family, and, of course, TheDog!

hope your 2005 was filled with love and laughter! Happy New Year!

could things be falling into place?

I changed into the pjs. I lay down and put the ear plugs in. I pulled the blanket up and closed my eyes.

a short while later a voice asked if I was alright. I was. I had a positive attitude. then the noises started. the whirring and clicking. the beeping and clunking.

as I lay there trying to ignore the noise, I thought about my ruined plans for the weekend. and what I might do instead. I thought about the super response earlier. and whether it was sarcastic or sincere. and I thought about the errands I needed to run to make use of my Christmas present.

and then it was time to get up. I got dressed and waited for the images.

then I hurried home to feed TheDog and grab my new skis to dress them for the weekend (hopefully).

I stood in front of the boots. I wasn't sure which ones would fit. then up walks Jack. he fits me with a great boot. then while we're waiting for them to warm up to thermal mold, he goes to get the bindings I know I want.

they're out. so he quickly rings me up while I work the hot boots to mold to my feet so I can head to their other store. I make it just in time to pick up the bindings.

and even though I still have to take all the gear back tomorrow to have the bindings mounted, I should have my new gear in case I can head up the hill this weekend.

as I was driving back and forth I heard a familiar voice. and although he wasn't actually talking to me, just hearing his voice made me smile. and made me hope our earlier exchange ended with sincerity, not sarcasm.

to pass the time while driving, I also made a few calls. and may have found a few ways around the broken pipe that ruined the weekend plans in the first place.

so, if the images come out as I hope they do, perhaps next year will be a good one or at least start that way. I guess only time will tell.

the stockings were hung by the chimney with care

Christmas morning we awoke to a brilliantly sunny blue-sky day. we got the big bird stuffed and in the oven. too bad in our tired state we didn't realize until a few hours later that although it was on, it wasn't working.

luckily my grandma's house is close by, so the turkey took a short trip to a working oven. a small delay, but there are days that can't be ruined no matter what happens. days filled with love and laughter and joyous moments.

my adorable niece playing with each present as she unwrapped it. her little sister smiling at the lights on the tree. the herd of dogs chasing a log in the yard. everyone happy and together. well, mostly.

my grandma decided not to make the trip this year. she's not feeling well. I missed her terribly. but I know she has a wonderful group of friends to keep her company on Christmas. we all talked to her on the phone. but it wasn't quite the same.

although it would have been better had my grandma been with us, everyone enjoyed the day. the (really late) dinner, the gifts that were (eventually) unwrapped, the (chaotic) gathering of family.

I most enjoyed watching my niece play with her new toys. she's finally old enough to enjoy it all. I was happy that my sister's face lit up when she unwrapped her gift. and even my impossible-to-buy-for brother looked pleased.

I didn't even mind when the topic of conversation turned to teasing me about my single status. only my sister knows of the kiss a few weeks ago. only she knows how excited I am about the smallest possibility of potential there.

I would love to tell the rest of my family, but not unless something becomes of it. otherwise next gathering all I'll hear is what ever happened to that guy you were so excited about?

so for now I'm content to spend the holidays surrounded by people I love. someday, I hope I can count an amazing guy among those. but for now, I'm happy to have my family, TheDog, and my new skis.

'twas the night before Christmas

and all through the house
every creature was stirring...

after rooting on the home team with good friends on Christmas Eve, I hurried home. (actually my parents' home, but for the holidays, that is home.)

as soon as I arrived, my brother (the only other one of us not currently required to do significant other things), my parents and I had a mellow Christmas Eve dinner. then my brother headed home, and my mom and I got to work.

in my family, for as long as I can remember, I've been the wrapping elf. and the toast-bread-for-stuffing elf.

so, as my mom began the Christmas dinner preparations, I wrapped. and wrapped. and wrapped some more. then after another whisper - hand incident (where ER visits were considered, but not taken), I was rendered relatively useless for various chores.

so we talked my dad into toasting. (amazing, since he's always an early-to-bed elf on Christmas Eve.) and I somewhat lamely continued to wrap.

although it was far too late, finally the elves retired for the night...

there's no place like home for the holidays

now that it's found me, the Christmas spirit just won't go away.

while shopping today, white paint was splattered by the feirce wind all over my black car. I laughed. I told the guy parked in front of me that I was sorry he was parked by me, as these things always happen to me. his frown changed. he laughed. we wished each other good luck with the paint removal and happy holidays.

so instead of wrapping up my shopping, I hurried to the car wash to be sure I didn't get a new paint job for Christmas. after checking to be sure there were no more unwanted polka dots, I resumed my shopping. finishing most of it in time to meet J for our sort of traditional Christmas Eve Eve dinner out. another fabulous dinner over wine.

on my way home from dinner, I decided to stop by the old standby, Target, to try to fill in a few gaps in my purchases. as I wandered the aisles seeing families searching for presents I was taken back, many years.

my mom and aunt took us to Duckwalls every year. the four of us kids and my one cousin. one at a time we would stand at the front of the store with my aunt, as my mom took the rest of us around the store to pick out the perfect present for the one marooned at the front of the store.

funny how I remember the fun shopping excursions much more vividly than any present I received as a result. it was acceptable sneaking around. acceptable secret keeping. and we were all there together.

I still love the fun in finding the perfect gift for my brothers or sister. love watching their face light up as they unwrap something they truly love.

so far I'm happy with what I've found for everyone except my siblings-in-law. they may not like their presents as much as the rest of the family does. I think that goes with not knowing them as well. but it's too late now. the presents are (mostly) wrapped.

tomorrow, as soon as the orange crushes the black, I'll head home. trunk packed full of turkey, ham, presents, and love. TheDog lounging in the back seat. I always look forward to going home for Christmas, even if this year it's only for a day or two.

I hope everyone's holidays are filled with love and laughter!
Merry Christmas!

may your days be merry and bright

despite a runaway dog, the flu, impossible work deadlines, and flaky friends. despite the fact that I have many presents left to buy, and won't get to it until tomorrow. despite ruined New Year's plans. I've managed to find Christmas again.

listening to my xmas iTunes folder has helped. with everyone from Elvis to The Fray to the Smashing Pumpkins adding to the cheer. then there's the fact that as soon as I get word back on a report and sign it, I'm out of here!

besides, runaway dog* was found (although not feeling well, due to too much dumpster diving). the flu has begun to move on. and non-flaky friends are still going with me to listen to a friend's band tonight.

in the last few days I've also managed to treat a friend to a belated birthday dinner, and have a few drinks and play foosball with a friend in town for the holidays.

and so, I hope all of you have found your holiday spirit.

Happy Holidays!


* not my dog, a dog I'm watching for a friend of a friend

need a little Christmas now

it's amazing what a kind word from a relative stranger can do. to start the day off, he simply asked if I had a hot date this weekend. I laughed. he said he wasn't trying to be funny, he just assumed I would.

then to color my drive into work, the sun shone orange through the snow-covered trees over the lake. turning to find the pink sun glinting off the snow-capped peaks.

an apology. a long, but productive day. kind wishes from many of you. friends thanking me for hosting a great party. a waggin' tail greeting home. time to actually cook dinner. channel surfing to a sappy holiday movie.

hope returns, even though the expectations are lowered. I won't trust again as easily. I can't believe again, just yet.

the holiday spirit snuck back in. perhaps helped by the holiday potluck at work. or the cards waiting in the mail. or the twinkling tree I got to truly enjoy for the first time.

or perhaps it's just optimism that a simple you too might have been sincere.

grown a little sadder, grown a little older,
and I need a little angel sitting on my shoulder...
need a little music, need a little laughter...

I'll have a blue Christmas...

apparently I'm gullible.

I believe that people are good. I believe they say what they mean. I believe people don't intentionally hurt others. I believe that friendships last.

yes, I have even always been one of those sappy people that believes in the spirit of the holiday season. that it brings out the best in people. I'm beginning to think that may be the furthest thing from the truth.

maybe I shouldn't believe these things. maybe I'm a terrible judge of character.

some people are not good. some people lie, often. some people will intentionally hurt others if it's easier. some people use than discard friends like old newspapers.

I believed in a friend. I trusted. completely. I never imagined that opening up, believing, could rip open such a hole.

I feel naive. foolish. gullible. and very far removed from my normal happy holiday self.

Frosty the Snowman

so apparently it's not the writing about these things that jinxes them. perhaps it's just my not-so-good luck that does the trick. yes, despite a fun night out last week. then a quick call over the weekend. nothing else happened. no call. no e-mail. (yes, although they were promised.) nothing.

oh, well. at least I have my girls. yes, this is another I love my friends story.

another hilarious girls' night out in last night where we iced and decorated snowflakes, trees, gingerbread men and snowmen. we listened to the cheesy easy-listening station, since they're playing 24/7 Christmas music.

we happened upon a bottle of wine in my collection. it was one of those that sparks a memory.

we had been talking about guys, particularly the lack of anyone fantastic in my life. (most of the rest of the girls are married or dating someone.) we touched on the current lack of appropriate follow-up. then they somehow moved on to my ex. how he was never worthy. (thanks for letting me know that you thought that then.)

literally in the middle of this topic of conversation we grabbed this bottle of wine. it was my birthday present from him. I was instructed to save it for when he cooked me dinner.

so, last night the girls decided no time like the present to drink it. it was horrible. and I am absolutely not exaggerating.

we all laughed. figures.

can help to make the season bright

I know, I know, and I don't have much to say tonight, either... except that it's awesome that I got more Christmas cards today from blogging friends than friends I know in real life. you guys are great!

and the one thing I really want to write about, I can't. I'm worried I'll jinx myself if I do.

I really want something to work out, that isn't right now. and I don't know what to do about it. but I do know every time I write about things such as this, they never work out. that is why I'm being so vague.

in the meantime, I hope everyone is much further along in their holiday preparations than I am. being as besides the tree, I've done nothing. still.

deck the halls

the lights are twinkling. the ornaments twist gently on their hooks. the tree is trimmed. the stockings are hung. I can't even describe how much I love just watching the lights. I feel truly at home. almost as if we were all on my parents' couch, waiting to open our Christmas Eve present of pjs.

pulling out the ornaments tonight. the memories snuck in. the bows and glass balls that I bought for my very first grown-up tree when I couldn't afford anything else. the ornaments my mom bought for me, after realizing I had nothing but glass balls and bows on my tree. and the needlepoint ornament my grandma made for me.

I used to think my mom was a bit of a nutcase when she'd tear up while we decorated the tree. now I think I understand. the ornaments my sister and I bought together when we first moved in together after she was done with college and I with grad school. and the one she gave me last year after she got married and moved out.

the ornaments that were presents from friends. the ornaments created amidst wine and the laughter of friends. and of course the ornaments chewed with love by TheDog last year, after ten Christmas trees left completely alone.

each decoration a memory of Christmases past. a few new to mark this Christmas. each adding a little bit of cheer. each a reminder of all the wonderful things the holiday season is really about.

and as I sit and admire the lights glinting off the ornaments, I have decided to try and remember this contentment when I'm stuck in holiday traffic or cramming most of my shopping into a few hours.

after a great night out last week, a fun weekend hanging out with close friends, and a little sentimental tree-trimming tonight, I think I've finally found my elusive holiday spirit.

friends who are dear to us, gather near to us

party(ing) with my work "family". coffee with a friend I've known for decades. starting my Christmas shopping with a new friend. dinner and (too many) drinks with a college friend in town for the weekend. cookie exchanges and hanging out with another dear friend. those are a few of the things that kept me too busy over the weekend to decorate my still-bare Charlie Brown tree.

tomorrow. really. it's all planned. I'm buying cider on the way home from work (along with some working lights). turning up the Christmas carols. and trimming my tree. and nothing short of an extremely intriguing invitation will keep me from it...

all I want for Christmas...

had a fun-filled night out last night with my instigator friend. although at the time I was worried what she was up to, she said not to worry. she was doing it for my own good.

I still don't know exactly what was said, but I do know that we had a great time at the show. and afterward. and I woke up grinning this morning, after sleeping in for the first time in weeks.

and tonight I'll be hanging out with my work "family" similarly to how I hang out with my real one. just me. while they all have their significant others accounted for. and you know what? I'm completely fine with that.

happy even. no date to worry about entertaining. or making a fool of myself in front of. or trying to head off stories that might be told by my work friends.

and I won't feel lonely. because I know who I would want to take. it's just not the right time. perhaps soon it will be.

think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed

my coworkers are forcing my hand. the office holiday party is tomorrow. I wasn't going to take a date, since I haven't had one anytime recently. when my friends at work found that out, they all decided that was a great opportunity to party for free with a friend. I had four offers of a "set-up" yesterday.

I'd much rather take my own friend or a gwp*, then have to sit with someone I don't know and make small talk. particularly this week, when I'm so tired I can barely string together a sentence.

BikeBoy called last night and we chatted for a while. after we hung up, I realized I should have just asked him. or maybe I should ask my friend who missed the chance to grab drinks with me last week. I suppose I could if I talk to him tonight at the show.

I'm not sure if I want to ask either one. if I worked in a different company, where the holiday party was a boring night out with a hundred people you see everyday, but aren't close to, I'd take either in a second.

but my company is like a family. I have great friends there. in fact I sincerely like everyone I work with most days. (yes, I complain sometimes, but that's about managing and workload, not about the people.) whoever I take will get the third degree. the risk of stories being told that I'd rather wouldn't be is too great.

before the work crunch of the last few weeks, I was thinking I could take one of my guy friends. but most of them have significant others that likely wouldn't be too excited I was borrowing their man. or I could take a girlfriend, but they, apparently, have lives of their own.

and even if a friend could go, I'd rather take a real date. I just don't have one this year. why is it so incomprehensible that I would go without a date? sure I'll be the only one in the company there without one, but is that so bad?

I've been good this year, maybe I should ask santa for a real date. (no, not with him, with a guy who's around more than one night a year.)

* gwp - guy with potential

baby, it's cold outside

it's three below. according to the car. and the car usually reads a few degrees warm.

yesterday it snowed. cold snow. tiny flakes.

today will be beautiful. blue skies. and a balmy ten degrees for a high.

perhaps tomorow I'll have to *cough* *cough* call in. then hit the slopes. afterall, it dumped in the mountains. and it's supposed to get a tad warmer after today.

ah, my deluded working-too-hard dreams. I know I'll be here, chained to my desk, at least through Friday. but can't a girl dream?

o tannenbaum

my Christmas tree arrived today. it was special-ordered and delivered. it's a little Charlie Brown. but TheDog helped pick it out, so it's perfect.

every year since my sister and I moved to Denver, she from the south and I from the north, we've gone together. we've taken TheDog and traipsed through the snow and picked out our tree.

when she got married last year, that didn't change. we still went to get trees together last year. we were supposed to go yesterday. I couldn't. I had too much work to do.

so while she and her husband and both of the pups braved the cold to find our trees. I stayed warm, inside, drinking steaming hot coffee and staring at my computer screen.

it's sad. my beautiful, bare tree stares at me. begging for lights and ornaments. but I have more work to do. and after the report is finalized I have a show to go to, and a party to attend. so, the decorating will have to wait until this weekend.

but then I plan to turn on the Christmas music, sing aloud (hopefully not scaring TheDog too much), and deck the halls. the holidays are around the corner, and soon I'll be able to enjoy the holiday spirit.

and miles to go before I sleep

I drank way too much this weekend. so much so that I'm shaking a little now.

no, it's not what you're thinking. I only had one beer and one martini. (although Friday night a few more might have been advised.) what I am trying to say is that I'm entirely over-caffeinated.

and my over-caffeinated brain seems to have a bit of an attention span issue (which is not helping me get work done). random thoughts popping in and out of my head constantly. mostly inconsequential randomness. but something popped that made me realize something. a little something I'd mostly forgotten about.

the events of the weekend helped bring about the memory. a missed meeting Friday night. a few conversations over the weekend. and the realization that the pesky culprit, bad-timing, may have messed up things, yet again. I think there was even some mention of star-crossed in the apology.

part of our conversation reminded me of when we first met. reminded me that we exchanged numbers once before. and although he never called back then, I still might have called him had my last boyfriend not been in the picture. so along with a few other meetings, this one might have been different if I had the foresight to end things with the ex when I should have. if the timing had been different.

for now I'm not banking on hanging out with him anytime soon. I admit, I was excited to see him this weekend. but there was only a nebulous "call me later if you're out and want to meet up" that ended the apology conversation. no concrete "let's find some time soon to get together" as I had hoped.

for now, he's just a good friend. and honestly I'm happy that he is. more might be great, but it might not be. maybe someday we'll find out, maybe not. for now friendship works for me, hopefully it does for him, too. I think I'd still be open to more, but if he's not sure, I'd rather we continue as friends than start something that one of us doesn't really want.

worked

interesting advice and words of wisdom have been spoken in my general direction lately. perhaps it's just that I'm listening more. or that the words seem more relevant to me right now.

********

from a friend: work hard, play harder.

and another: remember that life is short and no job is worth killing yourself over.

from a coworker: you can always find another job, it's not as easy to find another
life.

the old standard: all work and no play makes rg a dull girl.

from one of my bosses, of all people: there's always time
to make room for life. work can wait.

also from my boss: you can sleep when you're dead.

random man in front of me in line at the caffeine addict shop after the guy behind the counter asked if I still had my job: if you're working this hard for them, they'd be crazy to let you go.

and just a few more jems:

it's all about balance.

will you remember missing a deadline and the disapproval of your boss in 10 years, or will you remember the time you spent with friends?

what happens when you drop your laptop and have nothing?

********

and so, to all those who have relayed to me these nuggets of "truth," thank you. but have to interject a few clarifications, first.

I want to sleep now, not just when I'm dead (anyone remember how George Costanza had his under-desk nap area arranged?). I'm not dull, even when I'm working. while the job may be killing me slowly, I sure am not to the point of killing myself over anything. and I backed up my laptop last weekend, so I only lose a week, not everything.

so, after one more crazy day, there will be light at the end of the tunnel. granted, much of that will be from the burning midnight oil as I finish up the now late report over the weekend. but my friends and family are taking priority, well, they will be, starting at 5 tonight.

playing catch-up

I'm sitting here at one of my favorite spots, listening to my favorite music, and watching the twinkling Christmas lights dance as the tree limbs bend in the wind. normally I would be entirely content. but tonight I wish I were doing anything but this.

the only reason I'm here is because I'm behind. so very far behind. even working over the weekend didn't help. working every night this week hasn't made much of a dent, either. but here I am attempting to caffeinate and make a little headway.

amazing what the fear of losing your job will motivate you to do. I've gotten an average of 4 hours of sleep since Sunday. and it's looking like that will go down after tonight. but maybe I can get some sleep this weekend.

this lack of sleep mixed with fearful adrenaline and caffeine reminds me of cramming for finals. that and attempting to read not-so-exciting material in a coffee shop. I almost wish I were back in school and doing just that instead of working like a madwoman in hopes I don't lose my job by the end of the week.

well, better get back to it. think there's any way that time will stop and allow me to catch up?

random aside - in the five minutes it took to write this, two guys I know walked in. one was no surprise, he's a caffeine addict, as well. the other I haven't seen in years. it took me a minute to remember who he was. I grew up with him, we were on a summer club swim team together. for the life of me I can't remember his name. he gave me the same look I'm sure I gave him, the I-know-I-know-you-from-somewhere look. this world is eerily small sometimes.

football fan(atic)s

the day after Turkey day, the family headed to the game. we grew up football fans. bleeding black and gold. that's all there was.

then when I went to college, and didn't follow the rest of my family, I became a bit more of an outcast. I was teased by my brothers. my decisions were questioned by my parents. only my sister sort of understood my desire to go (far) away to school.

only when I came back to go to grad school. when I graduated and became an alum, did I get let back into the fan club in my family's eyes.

but not going there for undergrad, I don't live and die by our team quite as much as my brother and sister do. so after the pathetic loss Friday, after our team, our alma mater, was embarrassed on national tv, while the rest of my family lamented the loss, I just drove home. doing my best not to let the football rage seep in and become road rage.

sure, I was sad. it was a pathetic game. but regardless of what some guys think, life is not football. and since our neighbor to the east decided to give our team an early Christmas present, they get to play again next weekend. for the conference championship, no less.

and as I'm a bit more realist than football fan(atic) these days, I acknowledge that they don't deserve to play in the game, that they probably can't win. and I know my family, although they know the odds are not good, will still be devestated if (when) we lose Saturday.

although I really do hope they win, if the outcome is as I imagine it will be, I will again be the outcast. and as much as I love my family and think they're great, in this case I think perhaps it's better to be different.

you know me well

my friend Glitter is wise. and she seems to know me well, although we've never met. her comment on my last post scared me a little, for a few reasons. here's what she said:
The guy is right there under your nose. Watch out - you will see.

part of me thinks she may be right. but if she is right, which one is it? yes, there is more than one guy that might fit that description. and Saturday I had a few interesting conversations that may have led me to believe there might be something there with more than one of them.

these guys are my friends. not great friends in that I don't know them so well that they're no longer in the guys with potential (gwp) category. but good enough friends that taking that next step scares me a little.

I don't want to lose a friendship, but yet if there is some mutual interest, I wouldn't mind seeing what else is possible. but as much as I think that being friends first is the best way to meet someone, I've never had much luck with the friends-to-more transition.

and if there are possibilities, I don't know what, if anything, I should do about them. I would typically wait and see, and let them decide. but my typical behavior doesn't seem to get me where I want to be, so I'm considering being proactive. that's if I can get up the nerve. and that is an enormous if.

still thankful

I was hoping to grab coffee with a friend Wednesday before heading out of town. it didn't work out. he had to work. but I still think there's a small sliver of potential there. but given my track record lately, I'm not holding my breath.

so instead of enjoying a relaxing cup of coffee, I headed to my parents' earlier. where I had the great fortune of helping clean out random things, because the Murphy's Law of holiday gatherings was in effect. the milk that spilled everywhere in the fridge. and my lotion bottle that although the altitude change is insignificant, exploded all over the bathroom.

then, as with every holiday, it was my duty to prepare the stuffing. and help with the rest, since being the only one without a significant other, I am required to, while they talk or watch the football game or surf the internet in order to keep their SO entertained.

well, somehow my mom and I with a little begged help from my sister got everything done, and dinner was fantastic. too much, of course, but all of it great.

after the turkey feast, for a brief moment I wished I'd had a boy home with me, so I could lounge after dinner and not do the dishes, but I know I would do them anyway. that's just how I am. but I still wish I had a guy I wanted to bring home. someone who would want to spend a day with my family. someone who'd insist upon helping out.

maybe someday, but even if not, I know I still have many things to be thankful for. and I am.

thankful

my family used to go around the table at Thanksgiving telling everyone what we were thankful for. I got it started when I was in my sentimental-coming-home-from-college-for-the-holidays faze. friends at school told me they did this little tradition at home. so I harrassed my family to try it. but only my mom and I took it seriously, my brothers and sister made it into a joke. and we don't go around anymore.

so since I won't have the chance to tell the whole family at dinner tomorrow, I'm going to write down what I'm most thankful for. and since I won't be limited by the five seconds I'd have at my parents' house, my list will likely be long winded...

I am thankful for TheDog. she makes me smile when I don't want to. she insists I enjoy the little things. sniff the good smells. excercise my vocal cords when she's barking late at night. and she lets me know every day that I'm loved, unconditionally.

I am so very thankful for my amazing friends. they call just to say hi. stop by to see if I'm up for a walk. feed my dog when I'm stuck at work. send cards when I'm feeling sad. listen to me lament the small not-so-great things in my rather great life. play wing(wo)man when necessary. tell me he's not good enough for me when he's not interested. let me stay in their homes when I take my nomadic trips. let me be myself. and like me for who I am. encourage me and challenge me to be more. sympathize with me. and laugh with me. and go with me to see bands that I love play, even when they're not that into them.

I am so very thankful for my incredible family. besides the many things I've talked about before, they are always there for me. encouraging me. challenging me. and teasing me. lending me a couch until I can find the perfect replacement. collaborating on great gifts for others. requesting my advice on music. and making me laugh at myself.

I'm thankful for my coworkers, many of whom are also my friends. they swing by (miles out of their way) to give me a ride to a meeting when my tire is flat and my battery is dead. they give me rides home when I'm stranded at work. they bring breakfast burritos in, somehow knowing I was out of milk for my cereal this morning. they harrass me about my love life, in a nice way.

I'm also thankful for the nice baristas at the coffee shop that put up with my pre-caffeinated self. living in Colorado where outdoor activities are never far away. steaming hot cups of coffee. savory glasses of red wine. fantastic music. spectacular sunsets. being able to travel. and most of all for the friendship, humor and love in my life.

can't go home again

when I walked in I saw you. but you didn't look up from your drink. I sat down. you were only feet away.

as I talked with other friends, I could feel you looking at me. I looked your way. you looked away and missed my smile.

she was there. sitting next to you. you seemed to be ignoring her. but I knew she was with you. well, rumor had it that she was, anyway.

just once, we looked at the same time. in that instance I could tell you were mostly happy. but still unsure. a glint of longing. of remembering. of knowing. of home.

then it was gone. although I could feel your eyes continue to glance. as I played with our friends' kids. as I laughed. as I wished I could talk to you.

I know there's nothing there. I know there shouldn't be. but the feeling of home doesn't go away as easily as I'd like. it lingers.

finding out you were with her, before the last time I saw you. it made me sad. not for her. but because you're not the person I thought you were. it makes it a little easier to start to forget about that feeling of home.

then you give me a squeeze on your way out. tell me it's great to see me. and home seems closer, even though I know now that I can never go there again.

how was your weekend?

come tomorrow morning, that's the question that will get asked. the answer will usually be something along the lines of "good, too short" regardless of the real answer.

so, what makes a weekend great? terrible? sometimes the same things.

shots of camaraderie with a friend for her birthday. realizing some things have nothing to do with me. having solid proof earlier intuitions were right.

too much to do. nothing to do. bowling and football games. set-ups and mix-ups. friends and family. not enough drinks. too much to drink. late night texts. cryptic writing.

so, how was my weekend? well, good, bad, ugly and far too short.

and yours?

resolve

this is exactly why I don't do New Year's Resolutions. they never last.

since I made my little list of changes, what was it, oh, yes, three short days ago, I've stayed up far too late every night. it's been entirely too cold to walk TheDog in the mornings. (for her, of course, not me.) and work has crept into other plans once or twice, as well.

of course, not all of this is necessarily bad. just why resolutions are made to be broken.

for instance the staying up too late? well, that's because I've been working and playing too much.

the other night the girls came over for wine and good conversation. we had a few appetizers before sampling a few different wines. then proceeded to "redecorate" my dining room. and by redecorate, I mean spill glitter, tinsel, paint and glue all over the place.

you saw the pumpkins from the last girls' night. this time it was ornaments. last year, when the craftiness was suggested, my friends all raised their eyebrows. but after convincing them it was more about drinking wine and less about artistry, they were in. and last year's decorating party was hilarious.

this year's was not too different. a few more friends. a bit more glitter. and more laughter. the ornaments are not necessarily museum-worthy. but even my non-Christmas celebrating friend had a great time reverting to kindergarten glitter-and-glue creativity.

then last night I had to make a bit of a drive with my sister and her husband to celebrate my mom's birthday with the rest of the family. more quality time with the nieces. great dinner. funny stories shared.

and then the bonzai trip back here to try and meet up with friends at my friend S's show. I caught only the last two songs, but got to see my friends and talk briefly with S after the show.

a little work was laced in where I could. while waiting for the girls the other night. while my sister drove last night. there's much more waiting for this weekend. but the temperature is rising and there's a blonde dog that has insisted upon a walk if not a hike. work will have to wait.

a few changes around here

I am working on making a few changes. some are a long time coming. some, not so much.

I am going to go to sleep earlier. so I can get up and walk TheDog before work instead of after, since it gets dark so early. (and she thinks I've been abusing her with the short walks.)

I am going to stop jumping to conclusions. I have been incorrect in my jumping. well, once or twice. and I don't like being wrong, ever. (although, yes, I can admit when I am.)

I am going to send holiday cards this year. really. not just talk about it. or buy the cards. I'm going to actually write in them and send them.

I am going to finish my gift shopping early this year. at least by noon on Christmas Eve, since my family's going to a football game that afternoon.

I am going to have everything together before my holiday party. I want to enjoy my guests this year instead of running around finishing up the preparations as they arrive.

and I'm going to prioritize. work can wait. coffee with friends, birthday celebrations, and important conversations can't.

now, I'm off to sleep. there's a blonde dog with a leash that is going to wake me up at the crack of dawn.

a birthday smile

as I was walking out of the deposition today. I looked up and saw the sign. no, not a figuritive sign, a literal one.

it was the restaurant I took him to start off his birthday surprise the first year we were dating. it was one of his favorites.

today is the day. his birthday. I realized that this morning when I put the date on my notes. I almost wanted to call and wish him a happy one. I know I can't.

when I saw the sign, a smile crept across my face. I couldn't help it. it was one of those memories that just make you happy. we had such a great time that night.

he told me it was the best birthday he ever had. apparently his family was never big on them. mine always has been, and always will be. so I made his a big deal.

and as I walked under the sign, the smile grew wider. I knew that my desire to call him earlier today stemmed simply from wanting to wish a happy birthday to someone who used to mean the world to me.

and I do hope he had a happy birthday. although I think I got the gifts today. the gift of knowing that despite the way things ended, I have not an ounce of ill will left in me towards him. the gift of knowing that although we may have been meant to be together for a while, we were never meant to last forever.

another smile lifts the corners of my mouth just thinking about it.

can't compare

the little one is adorable. maybe as adorable as her big sister. but I don't think I'm supposed to compare. and while she was making her entrance into the world, I got to play with her big sister.

big sister is 2. she knows my name. she insistently calls me by it when I've stopped playing for a minute. I'm not around her enough for her insistence to be anything but adorable. she's smart and cute, and, well, you could say she takes after her aunt.

the little one is so tiny. I can't believe two short years ago her big sister was that little.

time flies by. life flashes past in endearing smiles and giggles.

the crying fits, the tantrums, they get forgotten. the loving hugs, the little hand taking yours, those are the things that stick.

I know I'm happy where I am right now where my life has taken me. I know I've gone amazing places and done great things in my life. but somehow pictures of an amazing sunset seem to pale in comparison to a baby girl.

I know life is not measured only by the big milestones. but somehow being around my little nieces and other family this weekend, my accomplishments seem to pale a bit in comparison.

losing interest

seriously? when did this happen? when did I lose every ounce of my ability to read people?

it looks like I assumed incorrectly. (well, we know what they say about assuming.)

anyway, we're still trying to find time to grab that drink. but it looks like my friend S is interested in just a friendly one.

I don't know if it's the timing. he seemed possibly interested in more when I saw him last week. but when we couldn't grab a drink over the weekend, he seems to have lost it. interest, that is.

I know I'm not the greatest judge of intentions, but is it really this bad? or is my timing this completely off?

when I began to think he might be interested, I began to realize I might be. even if he was, life's craziness apparently stepped in and changed something.

well, although this little turn of events brings with it the end of the suspension of the bet, at least I'll have a new niece tomorrow, or the next day, or...

I raise my glass to you, my friend

yes, you.

yesterday (or was it the day before?) Jen was talking about blog friends. she questioned if they are real friends. I think you are. and apparently Kurt agrees.

for example, in the past week or so, my blogging "friends" have gone with me to see a great band, invited me over for Thanksgiving celebrations, sent me flowers, helped me to face some demons, complimented me, encouraged me, challenged me, let me know they were there for me, asked me the tough questions, made me laugh hysterically, and also made me cry, in a good way.

what more could I ask for?

I think there is room in everyone's life for different kinds of friends, like different kinds of drinks. I have many amazing close real life friends (you know that, I talk about them all the time). these are the ones that get better with age, the special reserve wines and ports and 50-year old brandies.

I have new real life friends and blogging friends that have become real friends. these are the friends that are new to the palette. the new vodka flavor. you never know if it will become the kind that lives in your freezer, or only the one you drink when you go out to that bar. but regardless you welcome the new flavor into your life.

and there are many of you reading this that I consider friends, whether I will ever meet you face to face or not. you might be likened to that special martini concoction at the local hot spot. or the special brewery ale tapped this month. it may be fleeting, or may turn into a favorite, you never know.

friends are the people you share your life with. in small shots or by the keg.

you guys are the best, thank you for your friendship!
who wants to go grab a drink?


PS - this whole post sounds a bit alcoholic... but it's just an analogy. and no, I haven't turned to the bottle as my only friend despite my perceived melancholy lately...

forgiveness

yes, I know. life's not fair. I've heard it, I've said it. but what about karma? what about people getting what they deserve? I always thought there was some truth to that.

last night, though, when I awoke from a nightmare, I started thinking that maybe karma doesn't work, at least on any scale I can see, that good people get bad breaks and bad people get good ones.

I don't know what caused such a vivid dream. I don't typically remember them. maybe it was all the memories revisited yesterday*, maybe it was watching Medium before falling asleep, or maybe the spicy dinner.

regardless, in my dream I was back in my college town. we were at the bar. the one with the couches. my friends were all there. even the ones I didn't know in college. dreams don't care about time lines.

he was there. he was married. he had kids. he and two of his friends laughed at me. they laughed because I was still single, because I was alone.

I tried to be strong. to pretend it didn't hurt. to get out of there. but I couldn't. my friends wouldn't let me leave alone and upset. they were there for me, as they always were. as they always are. but, I wondered, where were they that night? my incredible friends. the ones that would do anything for me.

I was naive, then. I believed in the good of mankind. I never even imagined I could get hurt. I was young, I was invincible. I was wrong.

I lost my faith that night. my faith in guys. in trust. in my ability to assess people's character.

I've gotten most of it back. it wasn't an easy path. I've since realized that night wreaked havoc on my relationships for years to come. on how I never completely trusted people.

but that's changed. I once again believe most people are good. I have learned to trust again, well mostly. I know no matter what you do, no matter how good you are, no matter how much you fight, bad things can happen.

I didn't deserve it. it wasn't my fault. I'm sure some people would say I shouldn't have put myself in the situation that I did. that may be true. but that is no excuse.

I now realize my friends would have been there to help me. not that night, they couldn't have. but afterward. to help me deal with it. if I could have just had the courage to talk to them about it. I wish I had. I wish my ability to trust hadn't been so shattered. I wish I could have believed in someone.

it's funny how denial eventually leads to the truth... one way or another. and how truth helps forgiveness. of others. of oneself. I forgave him a long time ago. I can't hold a grudge, well except against myself.

I'm still working on forgiving myself. it will come. and, by the way, if you're keeping track, that's hope, not denial.

* thanks, Kurt, and you know I mean that very sincerely!

denial

a friend's writing brought back some memories today. and as incredibly well written as it was and as much as I'd like you all to read it, I'm not sure I'm ready to share what I'm in denial about just yet, so I can't share it, either.

of course there are several things I'm in denial about. that I'm getting older. that my accident may have permanently changed my ability to do some things. and that certain memories from my past actually happened to me.

these things sneak into my subconscious from time to time. every once in a while I realize that a 33-year-old woman maybe should not be hanging out with 25-ish year olds, drinking and being a band groupie. but then again, I feel 25, so why not? (see, denial.)

and on occasion the pain from the accident is so severe that I end up on the floor of my office, or in the bathroom at a football game, hiding from friends or family, desperately trying to stretch out the offending muscles or get the joint back into alignment. but after the pain passes I go back to working too much or jumping up and down cheering. and, of course, got my season ski pass. (again, denial.)

as for the memories that I would rather not have. there are a few. but one in particular. from a decade or so ago. as much as I like to forget that it happened, it shaped who I am today and how I interact with people in a profound way.

friends think I'm open, honest. and I usually am. but sometimes when they use these terms to describe me, I cringe. I wonder what they would think if they knew the truth. I can't tell them. if I tell someone, if I talk about it, then it really happened. then the game of denial is over.

as I read the words my friend wrote, memories came flooding back. but I'm not sure I'm ready to face them again. and that's what I'd have to do if I told someone. as much as I know it wasn't my fault. part of me can't completely forgive myself. I know my friends would say it wasn't my fault, but it's what they might possibly think that keeps me silent.

maybe someday I'll be brave enough to talk to a trusted friend about it. although I think that last bit might just be more denial. but I am working on it.

true friendship

there were fifty some thousand people around. I heard my name. I looked up. there was my friend Jen.

I haven't seen her since college. she was one of the coolest girls I knew. she was in engineering with me, but a year ahead. she was a mentor of sorts to me and my other friend Jen. by that I mean she took us under her wing and went to grab margaritas with us when we were supposed to be in our every-Thursday-afternoon engineering class.

she was like the big sister I never had. she gave me a guitar for graduation. she insisted to the other Jen and I that we could still be cool and fun while being enginerds, even after she switched out of engineering.

we used to take road trips every summer together. usually up to the northwest to visit the other Jen. we were supposed to be roommates my senior year, but she ended up transferring to another school to finish up engineering. after college we kept in touch a little, but as too often happens, lost touch eventually.

I've thought about her often since college. she probably has no idea, but she is definitely one of the reasons I never considered taking the easier route and switching out of engineering entirely when the going got tough. she also made me see that if I wanted to also get a business degree, I should. she was excited when I told her I was going to grad school for engineering, unlike my family. she's the "older sister" that helped me to believe in myself and all the possibilities.

a while back, I saw an article on her in our alumni magazine and e-mailed her. she had told me she was dating a guy from Colorado, and that she was here from time to time. but I had no idea she'd be at the game yesterday. and she had no idea I'd be there either.

we caught up on each others' lives, as best you can at halftime. she's getting married in a couple of weeks. in Colorado. even though neither she nor her fiancée lives here now. they eventually plan to move here.

talking with Jen was like my own little time machine. it was like we were standing on our own campus, not a thousand miles from where we went to school, over a decade later. sure the maroon and white at the football game had been replaced by black and gold. but it seemed very little else had changed.

true friendship. when neither time nor distance matters.

what's a few drinks among friends?

this morning before work I was procrastinating. really didn't feel much like going to work. would rather have continued icing my back and taking vicadin at home. so, as I sometimes do when I don't feel well, I took a little extra time getting ready. then, even though I don't feel well, no one can tell just by looking.

as I walked into the coffee shop this morning, one of my favorite golden retrievers was there with her person. she's a great dog and her person is a really nice older gentleman. every time I see them in the morning, despite how tired I may feel, a smile sneaks onto on my face.

I planned to get her a bone out of the doggie treat canister as soon as I picked up my coffee. as I was waiting, my friend S walked up to me. we talked for a while. about work and being tired. (glad he couldn't see just how tired I really felt.) and grabbing a drink soon. we talked for a little while longer, then I had to get to work, so I grabbed my doggie friend her treat and left.

as I walked out of the coffee shop, I began wondering if my friend J was right. when we went to see S's band a while back she got the impression he was interested in me as more than just a friend. based on our banter before and after the show. I wasn't convinced. as I've mentioned before, I can be a bit clueless when it comes to guys (particularly guy friends) and whether they're interested in me or not.

so we're planning to go for a drink next week. well, unless my soon-to-be-new-little-niece makes a surprise early appearance. the question is, is it just a couple of friends grabbing a drink, or is there more to it?

if wishful thinking were enough

I had dinner last night with a good friend. we talked about life, things, whatnot. we compared notes on our separate trips to Hawaii, on house remodels, and trips we'd love to take.

she's also an attorney. so, we talked about what I have to do to get everything resolved from my car accident. despite the fact that the medical bills are piling up, I have to wait until I am better before I can settle with the guy's car insurance and pay the medical bills.

I'm not better. I'm still having to go to the doc. to the physical therapist. to get cortisone injections. I had another one today. it wasn't as embarrassing as the last time. it wasn't the parade of people past my bare bum. it didn't take as long.

but it hurt again. maybe more so than the last one. I can't even decribe how much I hope this one does the trick. that the joints they hit today are the right ones. that the pain will go away permanently. I'll know in a few days.

if it doesn't work, the doc doesn't know what else to try. and my attorney friend said there are many car accidents where this type of pain never goes away completely. I don't want that to be the case with me.

if wishful thinking were all it took, I'd be better than ever already. but the positive attitude only goes so far. at some point we all need help. and when no one knows how to help, that's when it gets really frustrating.

but for now, I'm doing the wishful thinking thing. the shot today, it has to work. I just need to believe that it will. and worry about the rest only if it doesn't.

I will

will I wait a lonely lifetime? if you want me to, I will.

I love that song*. a guy put it on a cd he made me once. I knew then he didn't love me. and wouldn't when we were apart. but the idea of someone waiting for me forever. loving me forever. that stuck.

when Paul played it last night, just he and his guitar, a tear snuck out of my eye. luckily the eye away from my mom and sister who had gone with me to the concert. I secretly wondered if I will ever find that guy. the one that will love me forever.

they both have. and deep down, I know I will. but every once in a while I question the timing of it. I don't know if I'm up to waiting a lifetime.

but the hopeless romantic always wins out over the cynic. and those songs that some would call sappy, always leave me knowing I'll find it one day. and I am willing to wait for it.

besides, what better role models than my family? my grandmother was engaged when she met the love of her life, my grandfather. my mom met my dad through his roommate, the guy she was dating at the time. my sister met her husband through an aquaintance neither talks to anymore.

dancing next to my mom and sister last night, I was hit with a little epiphany. I just have to have faith that it will happen. and stop worrying about the how and when. perhaps take some steps toward meeting new people, and get J off my back about the bet.

my mom, sister and Paul helped convince me last night to go for it. stop worrying about what others think and be open to possibilities. I will. at least I'll try.

* I Will, by the Beatles