Tuesday, January 31, 2006
packing twice the number of people around what felt like the kid's table at Christmas at the rehearsal dinner, we caught up. the close-sitting reminding us of trying to fit everyone around the tables in Coates. five of my closest friends from college and I. their husbands and boyfriends. one of whom I've known longer than any of the girls. we met in grade school. and he and I have remained good friends ever since. to hear me tell it, I'm partially to blame for his wonderful marriage to another dear friend.
seeing people I've met only once before, when visiting Austin, I was reminded that great people tend to have great friends. and since both the bride and groom are amazing, the wedding guests were pretty amazing, too. some of the non-college friends I've known for a few years, some I just met the night before. all now seem like dear old friends. all because of our truly wonderful mutual friends that have included us in their circle.
when close friends get together, regarless of how long it's been, regardless of the distance between them, the friendship remains. the lively banter at the girls' brunch to keep the bride company on her big day reminded me of happy hours, and hungover breakfast excursions over a decade ago. we've all changed. grown. some have husbands. some little rugrats running around their houses. some are enjoying the single life. but the friendship is still there. binding us together. regardless of what has happened since we were last together.
the rafters of the converted barn decorated with twinkle lights. the beautiful heartfelt ceremony, where the bride looked beautiful and extremely happy, where the groom looked so emotional, in a good way. the drinking and dancing afterward. the celebration of two wonderful people starting their life together. seeing old friends. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
too much early morning drinking in the hospitality suite after the reception. dragging ourselves out of bed, packing up and meeting for breakfast. one last gathering before we scattered across the country again. I know I'll see them all again soon. the longest it had been since I'd seen one of the girls was last year.
but some hadn't seen each other since school. and so much is happening. for everyone. we wondered when we would all get together again. we promised to start having reunions every few years, since the weddings are getting more and more infrequent. after the next one in April, there are only a few of us left. and none of us anywhere near close to inviting all the girls in for such a celebration.
but as I've said, it doesn't really matter. it could be next year or a decade from now, and our friendship will be there. perhaps different in some ways. but just as strong. exactly why I can be certain our friendship is true.
Monday, January 30, 2006
so instead of spending the afternoon with our soon-to-be-married friend, we spent it in the airport. S napped. I worked. although we would have rather been hanging out with my friend, I got most of my work done and S got some needed rest. perhaps getting stuck wasn't so bad afterall.
when we finally arrived in Austin, we grabbed some Tex Mex and waited for our friend to finish her family dinner. then we headed out for drinks with the bride and groom and a few of their friends and family members. although fun, it was so loud I couldn't hear my friends' conversation, and the work waiting for me at the hotel kept invading my thoughts.
after a decent night's rest, and tying up the last few loose ends at work. we ran a few errands. met my dear friend for a late lunch. she told me her great news. she's expecting. it's so wonderful and amazing given the difficulty they had with their first. this one didn't even require a visit to a specialist. as she put it, it was meant to be.
just like our friendship. meant to be. S asked how we met. we traded off telling the story of how or moms met. before we ever went to college. they became fast friends at a parent weekend to give them the low down on the school.
our moms insisted we look each other up when we got to school. thankfully. I'm so very happy for her. I know how badly she wanted to have another baby. it makes me so very happy when things work out as they should for wonderful friends.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
another show before heading out of town. another run-in with various people including one certain friend. another fun night out despite the discomfort. and this time I'm not solely talking about the interaction with my friend.
honestly, I'm a little worried about tomorrow. I'm not typically superstitious (except that it's completely my mom's fault the home team couldn't pull off the win Sunday, since she didn't wear her jersey to the game as she had all season). but this is different.
the last time I went to see Cake at the Fillmore, was the night before September 11th. tonight was a great show. got to hang out with a bunch of very cool people. but I was careful not to enjoy it too much. I didn't want to tempt fate.
I know it's completely unreasonable, but I'm frightened to fly tomorrow. although I'm sure nothing will go wrong, sometimes silly unconscious fears can rattle around in my head so much that they begin to effect my conscious thought.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
I went to see Dame Edna; Back with a Vengeance tonight with my mom and sister.
it was absolutely hilarious! we'd seen
so this time, when our first round of tickets had to be changed because my friend's wedding was scheduled for the same day. and changed again when some football game got scheduled for the same time. we didn't mind the hassle. (although in hindsight, perhaps we should have been laughing with the Dame instead of watching the game.)
so, Possums, if you have never seen her, I highly recommend finding a show to see in your area. it's smart, self-deprecating humor. the crowd gets teased a bit. and the whole
Monday, January 23, 2006
it started with watching sappy chick flicks with friends Friday night, as that's what my newly single friend wanted to do. the three of us all went to college together, although I don't think we ever watched movies together. sitting there laughing (and crying) over silly storylines reminded me of our days in the dorms.
college, when friends were always close. just down the hall or across the apartment complex. there if you needed someone to listen or needed someone to not ask you questions and just drink a few shots and play some pool.
the feeling extended into Saturday. when my fabulous short-term roommate got picked up to hit the slopes. I declined their invitation to head up the hill with them since I thought I had too much to do. no sooner had they left, then they returned. the traffic was ridiculous, they were going to breakfast instead.
for that I decided I could join them. we went to an entertaining little place for breakfast. entertaining in that the waitresses are guys. yes. waitresses. the drag dressing was fantastic, they act the part and the food was great.
eventually we wandered downtown to watch a movie, grabbed some beer and played indoor nerf football. wasting my day away, probably more so than if I'd hit the slopes. oh, well. it was fun, and it reminded me of hanging out with my guy friends in college.
then it was off to a birthday shindig for my other little sister. our families have been friends for forever, and she is my sister's best friend. she had family and close friends over to celebrate her day. we told stories of childhood, of high school. her dad asked me how many guys were courting me. I laughed. only her dad could get away with using that term. and the last time he asked me that, I'm sure I was in school.
then a little quality mom time to round out the weekend. she used to come visit me occasionally in college. going out to dinner with just her after the game made me feel really young again. really happy to see her. (even though the whole family had hung out just last week.) like she'd come to town to just see me.
by the end of the weekend I started to miss my college days. but after further consideration I know I don't want to go back. I can't go back. (although I'm sure I'll be nostalgic again come this weekend, which looks to be a mini-reunion for a friend's wedding.)
so, why is it that we only remember the good times? with college, with relationships? no wonder I think my life is great, I've conveniently forgotten most of the bad and boring times.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
S had incredible news about her health. she's been dealing with things brought on by a car accident that wasn't her fault. the doc gave her the good news earlier in the week.
she made me tear up when she told us. and the tears started to fall when she thanked me for my help over the past few years. I live closest to her. and she's had to rely on others for things for a while. and I am so extremely happy that she doesn't have to do that anymore. that she has her freedom back.
J had news as well. only she didn't want to talk about it really. she just quietly let us know that she was no longer dating her boyfriend. she was too upset to go into further detail. and although someday soon, she'll need us to listen to the story, for the night she just needed to forget.
and so, to change the subject, B let us know that she and her family were likely moving. not closer to downtown and the rest of us, as they'd talked about last year. but to the east coast.
I teared up again. I've known B and lived in the same city with her for over fifteen years. I'm going to miss her terribly. but I'm so happy for her husband's work opportunity, for her to experience new things. the same way I (and I'm sure most of the other girls) feel about both E and R's upcoming moves.
so we promised to take girls' night on the road. to see our soon-to-be far away friends. both B and R lamented how hard it will be for them to find a great group of friends in their new cities as we have here now. we joked that those of us left behind would have to find new friends, as well, since everyone's leaving.
on my way home I realized things were changing. just when I say to myself that I love my life, I have amazing friends, my job is going well, almost everything is great, something has to come along and shake things up. remind me.
remind me that I can't rely on anything outside of myself for my happiness. although they shape who I am, things change. friends (even great ones) come and go. guys. jobs. health issues, too. at the end of the day, my happiness is up to me.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
she looked around and spotted her friends. they grabbed a drink. one of them told a story and they all laughed. she didn't really hear what was being said. but laughed along with the others.
her mind was filled with other thoughts. with how gently he let her down when she asked him to hang out. he had other plans, but would love to hang out sometime. she believed him.
his words were always what she needed to hear. it was his actions that were sometimes lacking.
they had been friends for a while. she couldn't remember when she first met him. it seemed to her as if she'd always known him.
she felt comfortable around him. even now. despite the butterflies that ensued after their first kiss. things had been different since then. but she wasn't exactly sure how. and whether the different was good or not.
in her need to understand what was going on, she decided that it came down to that night. to how he acted when he saw her. words are easy. if nothing else, she'd learned that.
as she and her friends were talking, he walked right past her. brushing her arm as he passed. he didn't appear to see her standing there. she felt foolish, suddenly. she feigned interest in her friends' conversation.
a few minutes passed. she turned around to set her drink on the bar, just as he was walking right toward her. he stopped and gave her a big bear hug. they briefly chatted, but he had to get back. she knew he was in a hurry. and the short conversation didn't mean anything.
afterward, he walked over to talk to her and her friends. he seemed nervous, but she couldn't tell if she was simply projecting. the conversation was even shorter this time. he had to take care of something, but said he would be back in a minute.
he never came back. she waited. too long. she talked to most of his friends. her friends were all leaving. and although part of her wanted to wait, she couldn't. not alone.
she had thought that he would call her, or at least send her a note. asking where she had run off to. but days passed and nothing.
she wondered if she should have been the one to send the note. or make the call.
was he wondering, just as she was, what happened. or had she already given every benefit of the doubt imaginable. let too many things slide. exhausted all of her hopeful wishing that their friendship might turn into more.
even now part of her still waits for him to return. not the guy who kissed her, but her friend. the one who used to make her smile and laugh every morning. the guy who would bring treats to her dog. the one who would just sit and talk with her on a Saturday morning. she misses him.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
as you know, I'm not a huge fan of the tag. however, in tagging me she said that I appeared to be so together that I must be dying to spill some not-so-together things about myself. and although (as many of you probably know) I don't feel very together some of the time, spilling a few weird things could be fun.
and so, here goes. I'm supposed to include this next portion.
The first player of this game starts with the topic "five weird habits of yourself," and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says "You have been tagged" (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours.
1. I am a neat freak, but I'm also a stasher and piler. The areas of my house that visitors can see must be neat, but don't peer in any drawers or closets and expect to see the same thing. They're not necessarily dirty, just cluttered. I think it extends into my mind, as well. I appear together to many (other than my close friends), but if they could open the trapdoor to my head they'd see stacks and piles of stuff that need to be organized.
2. I stop for coffee every morning. Not because I need my caffeine fix (although usually I do). Not because my office doesn't have decent coffee (because we do). But because I like the routine start to my day. No matter what else the day has in store, at least I'm assured of a friendly face serving me a steaming hot cup of delicious coffee. (Although, that routine may change as I heard disturbing news today that Charbucks is buying out some of my favorite Colorado-based coffee shop's locations. Please, let it not be mine!)
3. I have a hard time throwing things away. I'm not talking about everything. But there's the old ticket stubs, the cards, and of course the boxes. I have boxes in my basement that made the move when my sister and I bought the house over six years ago that have never been unpacked. Now, obviously I don't need anything in the boxes, but on the chance there is something I may need one day in one of them, I will have to go through the entire contents before tossing the boxes.
4. I'm a perfectionist. So much so, that if I don't have the time or ability to do something the way I think it should be done, I won't even try to do it. This is not the best thing for me, given I usually don't have much time and I'm fairly mediocre at just about everything.
5. I am not one who typically is concerned about what others think of me. Unless of course it is a guy friend that turns into a guy I date. Then I tend to obsess over what he thinks about me. (But of course, never let on to him about said obsessing.) And the odd thing is I don't really care what most guys I date think about me after we date, unless we were friends first.
and because this turned out to be entertaining, I'm tagging:
but of course, feel no obligation.... but if you feel like divulging, here's your chance!
Monday, January 16, 2006
although there were a million other things I should have been doing, I grabbed my book and the leash and we headed out the door. as we enjoyed the sun and our respective treats (hers bone-shaped and mine with a bit of caffeine), other dogs brought their people to our favorite urban patio.
the dogs allowed their people to meet. very nice people. the women at the next table commented that you can't trust anyone that doesn't like dogs. I would have to agree. (at least for the most part.) and I'm certain TheDog agrees.
I used to use TheDog's affection for guys as a measure. if they liked her, and she liked them, then they had to be decent guys. for the most part she is a great judge of character. she never really liked NowEx. and she loved my ex that was the best boyfriend I ever had.
but after the weirdness of the second show of my weekend, I'm starting to wonder if sometimes she's not as discerning. she loves my friend. the one that I thought there might be a chance of something more with when he kissed me. but despite sweet words, his actions have not been as sweet. yet, despite those, I don't want to believe that TheDog (I) was wrong about him being a good guy.
and even if there is not a chance for anything more. I'm not willing to give up on our friendship. not yet. but, how do I tell him this, if every time I see him things are strained?
Sunday, January 15, 2006
my friends picked me up Friday to head up to the show. on the way, we had a very lively conversation about nice. I had described a guy that a friend had wanted me to meet as nice. C said that was a death sentence for that guy.
I tried to refute it. but after a while, I realized he was probably right. being just "nice" doesn't get you anywhere (with someone you're hoping to date). you have to be nice and something else. nice plus.
the show was amazing. nothing better than seeing a favorite band with great friends. the boys played most of my favorites. including Vincent of Jersey, the one I sang on stage in college with a couple of friends.
on the way home, some of our "nice" conversation resumed. I asked if being too nice was also a death sentence in the dating world, even if you had other things going for you. the answer was unanimously yes.
and so, between that. other friends telling me I needed to stop being so nice (to certain people). my sister trying to instruct me on how to be TheBitch on occasion. and being called both "too nice" and "too sweet" by two different guys in the last few days, I've realized there may be something behind my SO-less status besides terrible timing.
I know I can never be not nice. but now I'm going to strive for nice plus, but, of course, not too nice. we'll see how that goes.
Friday, January 13, 2006
see, this is why I'm too nice sometimes. it has nothing to do with how others perceive me. it's all about how I see myself. and I don't like me when I'm not nice. I'd so much rather be nice too often than not often enough.
and as such, although I'm not going to completely revert to my old (we're talking 15-years-ago old) pushover self, I am going to keep in mind how I will feel if I act not nicely.
and since it's nearly the weekend. and since I will have no time to dwell anyway, with two great shows, a playoff game, and one dinner with friends, one with family to go to. I'm not going to worry about it anymore.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
I definitely do not have it together. (more to come on that soon.) and I definitely am not always so nice.
but, I know that on occassion I am too nice. to the wrong people. and they take advantage of it.
and then I get fed up. and I have to vent. so, here it is.
whatever happened to being courteous? if you tell someone you want to do something with them. if an actual ticket is required to attend said thing. if you tell that person you will let them know whether or not you will be able to attend said event. is it that difficult to send a quick e-mail. make a quick phone call. let them know what you've decided? so the other people interested in said ticket could be forewarned that it is available. in time for them to actually be able to go.
well, apparently it is.
now my question is, how do you call said person on their discourteousness, when they're supposed to be your friend? but apparently have no clue that they were discourteous.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
I had wished at least the lights had been on the tree. if there had been a magical light, maybe things would have been different.
maybe it would have meant something to him. maybe he would have done what he said he would. maybe things would have worked out for once.
and then the tree gets taken out. there's nothing where it used to be. just an empty corner.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
the needed one is to help keep my mountain goat descending as easily as she ascends. and my deserved ones will give me more flexility. one because 24 is starting back up. (not the guy, the show.) and the other is to let me be more creative with one of my artistic passions.
yes, I finally ordered TheDog stair treads and myself a DVR and new digital camera.
TheDog was not descending the slippery hardwood stairs as easily as she once could. now she can run up and down them with ease.
then, I was getting tired of missing my two favorite shows, yet home at times when nothing's worth watching. now I won't miss the favorites, and will have something to watch even on a boring Friday night in.
however, I'm most excited about the camera. my film lenses will fit it. and I can use all the tricks I learned long ago on my old film camera, but now add the digital tricks I've acquired with my little point and shoot and Photoshop.
and so, instead of taking down my decorations, writing anything interesting or responding to tags, I've been carpeting, connecting, assembling and tinkering. I'm sure you'll all get sick of the new pictures soon. well, as soon as I get a new card reader.
Monday, January 09, 2006
we were laughing about the idiots we'd met the night before. about the gifts. the manicures. the martinis. about the shopping. the dress fitting. the night out that ended in. the night in that ended out. an amazing weekend.
when my friend S and I arrived in Austin, our soon-to-be-married friend's fiance picked us up at the airport and entertained us until our friend (M) got off work.
he's a great guy. the kind you want to be friends with. the kind you're elated that your friend is marrying. I'd met him when I was down that way for the music festival this fall. S met him Friday, and agreed with my earlier impression.
we had decided to go out Friday night, since the lingerie shower was Saturday, and we were staying in for martinis and manicures then.
we went to a fabulous dinner, then ditched the fiance to hit a hip bar. unfortunately, it was loud, and we wanted to catch up. so after a fantastic martini we headed back to M's house to chat over a few glasses of wine.
M had a dress fitting Saturday, she looks so beautiful in it. one last little alteration, and she'll be all ready. then we shopped in some of the cute funky boutiques. found a few things for her to take on the honeymoon.
then we headed to the shower. her soon-to-be sisters-in-law did a wonderful job. they had prepared dinner for everyone. and of course there were the amazing martinis and manicures. after we opened all the black and lacy loot, we decided to hit the town.
we went out dancing. there were these guys that kept attempting to dance with us. you know, the dance behind a girl, hoping she'll either grind with you or turn around and dance with you. what ever happened to walking up to a girl in a bar and simply saying hi?
anyway, there was a little unwanted ass-grabbing that turned into a little yelling. what idiots. if they had just asked to join us, I'm sure it would have been fun, but they had to act all junior-high about it.
it was unfortunate. one of them, the one I had been exchanging glances with long before the strange episode, was very cute. and although he was not involved in the grabbing or yelling, his choice of friends did nothing for my impression.
we finally got all the yelling girls in the cabs back to the slumber party. Sunday we woke up and headed to breakfast. the girls were inqiring about my love life (or lack therof). I filled them in on my interesting night before I left for the trip. they asked which one I'd most like to date. I know the answer. but wasn't ready to share.
on the way to the airport I checked my phone. a call and a text. both from 24. I hadn't heard from him since before the holidays. I talked to him for a long time when I got back home. when it rains it pours.
Friday, January 06, 2006
we went to see a friend's band play at a small local bar. we were hanging out, talking with our friend, having a great time. when in walks my friend, the one who kissed me about a month ago. he wasn't alone. he appeared to be with a date.
alright. I'd already thought I should be taking the hint, even if I wanted to believe he really was just busy. but now it was rather apparent to me that he had no interest in me anymore, if he ever did.
we briefly talked to him, then no sooner did he take his leave to sit with his maybe-date than I turn around to see Mr. Impatient and another of his friends standing right beside us.
ah, yes, of course. life, fate, small-world whatever has decided to play comedian tonight. we talk a bit. and throughout the evening, both Mr. Impatient and my once-kissed friend stop by on occasion.
I laughed. both inwardly and outwardly. that new leaf? well, I've decided it sure makes things interesting. as I left the bar, I had one number in my pocket and another slight possibility of a taker for an extra concert ticket.
then, as I got into my car, my cell beeped with a new message. it was New Year's guy. he wants to hang out again, soon.
apparently the celebration of single may have started a little early, and who knows, the way things are going, it could turn into an ongoing celebration. and if it does, well, you won't hear me complaining.
* kt, yeah, after I finished my work, I couldn't sleep and decided to write a little. thanks for instigating, yet again!
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
I know, I know. I don't do resolutions. but I decided in reviewing last year, that I need to do some things a little differently in the future.
after all, doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results is Ben Franklin's definition of insanity. and I need to do all I can to keep my sanity.
and so, I'm expanding my possibilities. I'm making calls I usually wouldn't. I'm not making calls I typically would have.
I don't know yet if anything will come of these changes. but they feel good, so far.
and although I don't typically regret things I have done, I have occasionally regretted things I have not done. so most of these new leaves baring their undersides are along those lines.
I'm trying to be a little less cautious. no, don't worry. I'm not going to get reckless. I'm just usually overly cautious, and would like to see if things turn out differently if I take a few more risks. be a little more spontaneous.
this all started before the calendar switched. I threw caution to the wind a time or two near the end of last year. and maybe the risks haven't worked out as I had hoped. but maybe they still will.
but either way, at least I know I can expand my possibilities a little and still be myself.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
he was at the table next to ours. I glanced over at his friend who had said hello as we walked in. he smiled, then quickly, shyly, looked away.
later on (after I had a little liquid courage) we shared a dance. and then a New Year's kiss.
that night I had a dream. that I woke up in his arms. no, not the guy I met on New Year's, but another.
he told me he wanted to see me again. I believed him. even reciprocated the sentiment.
yet I continue to happen upon his voice. despite my attempted attitude adjustment, last night, instead of making me smile, it made me feel foolish.
foolish for believing him. for believing in him. for letting myself.
although I don't do resolutions, perhaps I should resolve to stop trusting so freely. to move on. to believe I deserve a guy who means what he says, that such a guy exists. to believe that actions speak louder than words. to let him respond to the opening I gave him, and to believe that if he doesn't he's not worth it. to believe it's his loss if he doesn't want to see what could be.
perhaps that does all go back to the attitude adjustment I was talking about. perhaps I'll be a little more assertive. more optimistic. more positive.
We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential. ~Ellen Goodmanexactly.
here's to the potential of 2006!
Monday, January 02, 2006
the year began well. skied in the fresh powder with my sister-in-law. got in a nap. and even got to hang with my nieces. the weekend made me treasure the things I do have, even if I missed some that I don't.
I'm working on a better attitude for the new year. a positive outlook. a hope to find better days.