brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

answers or more questions

Yes, I hear you. I hear all the don't waits, move ons, just get over its. I even get it. And agree.

He just keeps making me doubt that that's what I should do. What I want to do.

Just when it gets to the point that I decide I can't do this anymore. Can't keep waiting. He says or does something that reminds me of how great things were. Still are sometimes. Still could be?

Yet hours later I'm back to wondering why I keep trying. Particularly when the more I try the more foolish I feel.

This shouldn't be this hard. Should it?

Wednesday, January 30, 2008


I've often wondered why my happiness is never allowed to continue for a period of time without something happening to squash it.

With all the not-great things that have happened in my life, with deaths and floods and car accidents, with the broken noses and ankles and other injuries, with the lost loves, with the job that makes me want to take a break from everything sometimes, I've wondered why I am so unlucky.

The thing is, I am happy, maybe even lucky. Perhaps not in everyone's definition, but I really do like my life. I have an amazing family, wonderful friends, the best dog on the planet, and I even like my job most of the time.

My sense of unlucky and unhappy lately seems to stem from one thing. The lack of someone with whom I can share this wonderful life I've made for myself or happened into.

I thought I had maybe found him. And that makes it worse somehow. But he's not the same guy I thought I had found. And I'm not sure if I want someone to share it with so much that I'm willing to be unhappy waiting for him to figure out if he wants to share it with me.

funny little reminders

They say that you never really know the lives you touch. I don't know who this "they" is. But they sure know a thing or two.

You just never know when a smile or a kind word will lift someone up. Perhaps out of a really bad day. Perhaps out of a really bad decade.

A simple, heartfelt have a nice day in the elevator ride up to your office can make humanity seem more human after a grueling commute.

A friend's statement that you deserve better can make you realize it as truth. Even when you know you do deserve better, sometimes it takes seeing it in writing, from a friend, before you'll let yourself believe yourself.

Another friend's asking are you single these days, because although they haven't seen you in a while, they knew, before you are even ready to contemplate, that this thing, whatever it is, is no longer making you happy.

A random cute guy at the bank smiling back at you.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

what I really need

A simple one line e-mail from a friend had me laughing out loud at work. She may have been being slightly catty, but sometimes when work is suffocating, work other than work is draining all free time, and life seems to be crumbling all around, a little catty works. Maybe even helps.

It seems more than anything else communication has completely broken down. In all areas. I got a "talking to" at work. I felt completely unprepared in a meeting, because work has been keeping me too busy. And, well, I have no idea what is going on with the boy.

I really need a vacation.

From life.

Monday, January 28, 2008

turned around

After a text message exchange that lasted into the wee hours of the morning, during which I may have been dumped, I decided to head for the hills. Literally.

I had contemplated going up earlier in the week, but with the promise of Spring-like weather here, I had thought staying might be more enjoyable. But getting away was starting to sound better and better.

After happy hour Friday, I skipped my friend's show to head up the hill. But, first, I had to nap off my stouts. Said nap lasted until the wee hours of Saturday morning, so I headed to bed to drive up Saturday instead.

Once I woke up the beautiful blue skies beckoned me. A walk with TheDog for coffee was just what I needed. The one thing will always cheer me up regardless of what's got me down.

My mood continued to improve. The fresh mountain air, looking at snow sculptures with my brother's family, playing in the snow with my nieces, a beautiful day on the slopes. All helped me to forget the exchange from a few nights before.

Over the weekend there were other messages. Messages as if nothing had been said. Insistence that I send pictures from skiing, so he could live vicariously.

I know he's going through a rough time. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. What direction to head. Whether to turn around or go forward. Whether I should hope for Spring or enjoy Winter while it's here.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

friends can make even the bumps a little smoother

When M and P flew in we headed straight from the airport to Mexican food, catching up over margaritas.

After the quick tour of the house, we left P to his nap, and we took a little shopping trip. I am not a shopper, but M is a bad influence. Well, not bad, really, but she talks me into things I might not even try on without her there. That day she talked me into a cute top to wear out to dinner that night.

Although the music was a little loud at the restaurant, dinner was fantastic. Four college friends and one of their husbands. Wine and tapas and wonderful conversation.

After brunch the next day we took a trip to the Stock Show. I've only ever been once before. But it's the thing some people here do. Every January. We watched horse jumping and people. Wandered around the cows and chickens and goats.

We met the boy for sushi. My friends liked him. He liked my friends. I was the only one who had a very weird feeling about the dinner. He was acting strangely. After talking with M and P, I realized I was probably just overreacting.

We headed up to the mountains for a few days of relaxation, a little skiing and mountain town ambiance. Although the frozen pipes put a bit of a damper on our stay, the beers and margaritas and Transformers viewing still made for a great trip.

I was sad to see them go. Wished their visit had been a little more smooth. But at least I get to see them soon. I'm heading to visit in a few short weeks.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

too much to say

The extended weekend was great. Well, if you don't count me freaking out about the boy while my friends were here, or the frozen pipes, or the running late on the way to the airport, or the parking ticket.

I have little time now, too much work to catch up on. The price for a few days off, I suppose. But will try to recount the tales of the weekend soon.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

weekends with friends

I can barely contain my excitement. M and her husband are flying out to hang with me this weekend. We have plans to eat fantastic food, drink great wine, and, of course, ski.

Talk about perfect. Well, at least it would be if I didn't have to work when they are here. At least I'll have fun most of the time, and avoid actually going to the office for four whole days in a row.

Not only that, but today I booked my flight to go out to see them and my college roommate again in a little over a month. Work's supposed to have calmed down by then, so hopefully I will get to go sans laptop.

A trip to look forward to. Exactly what I've needed.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

power of words

I'm honored, really, even if it is a thinly disguised form of tag. The sometimes ever-so-slightly verbose, yet always interesting Wordnerd over at Jambalaya bestowed upon me the "Roar for Powerful Words" Award.

Even if perhaps she only awarded it to me because I praised her Tigers for their National Championship win. And even though I tease her about her own powerful word usage, I sincerely consider the award the highest form of compliment coming from an amazing writer such as Wordnerd. So, if you haven't put her at the top of your must-read list already, go check out her blog. Yes, now. Then come back here. I have others for you to check out, too.

So, back to the task at hand.

The "Roar for Powerful Words" Awards are distributed to “those people who have blogs we love, can’t live without, where the writing is good and powerful.” Award-winners then post their award, select five writers of their own who they think fit the criteria, and also give three ‘pointers’ about what they think makes writing good and powerful.

Now, I'm not so sure I agree that my writing is always good or powerful, but I suppose I have my moments. Those moments all stem from a few things, which I will consider my pointers.

Write about something you feel passionately about. My favorite stories are about my friends, family and my dog. About adventures. A favorite song, place, or thing. The beautiful moments in everyday life. Even the really frustrating moments.

Don't write when it feels like a chore. Write when the mood strikes. The NanooNanoo, er, blog-a-day thing I did in November nearly killed my creativity. The picture part helped, as I always feel passionately about my favorite photographs (see number one, above). But forcing myself to write every day was excruciating. I prefer to write a few sentences or a story whenever the mood strikes, hopefully when I'm not in a meeting.

Having a bit of copy-editor still lurking beneath the surface from my college days, I agree with Wordnerd's you-must-proofread pointer. However, try not to edit yourself right out of an interesting story. I always do a quick read-through before I post, but I try not to edit too much. I write as a way to get whatever is on my mind out into the open, onto the page. If on my quick read-through I don't like a lot of the story, I'll simply not post it. Try to come back and write that story in a more interesting way on another day.

And now for a little award-giving of my own.

The envelope please...

Although a difficult decision, the awards or "Roar for Powerful Words" go to...

Charming but Single Her ability to make me laugh with nearly every post is reason enough. And all her humorous and insightful stories are also very well written.

Inside Betty's Head She also makes me laugh, thankfully on a daily basis, as she's one of those crazies trying to post every day for an entire year. Despite the posting every day pressure, though, her stories are wonderfully entertaining, interesting, and often make me cry. And yes, that's a good thing.

Trish's Dishes Anyone who writes about their over-caffeinated dog with such... what's that powerful word I'm looking for... oh, yes... verve definitely deserves this award. Besides, she more-or-less offered to punch the boy for me.

Clew's Blues Another writer who has me laughing and crying right along with her. She sadly had not been writing much for a while, but lately she's been back in force. Yay.

A Life Uncommon Although she's not been posting as much lately, either, she is an extremely talented writer. Read through her archives. You'll thank me.

Seriously, go read all of them. They're all fantastic. And very much worth a click or two. And a comment. While you're at it, you might as well tell them hi for me.

And if you're looking for additional good reads, check out those links over there to the right. They're all great, and all deserve awards, I suppose, if being on my blogroll isn't reward enough.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

hanging hopes

It's days like this that I hate. The days you leave before the crack of dawn. Barely get home in time feed TheDog, warm up some leftovers and head to bed to start it all over again.

I like the work. The projects. I just don't like the work until you drop mentality. They keep promising it will get slower.

I'm starting to get tired. Tired of hanging my hopes on promises of what will be.

Monday, January 14, 2008

wings of a dream

A night out with the girls. We didn't really need a reason. Never have. But we had one that night. The celebration of an engagement.

We laughed and shared tales of our lives. Some I had heard, some I hadn't. Our conversations made me realize these girls really know me. How lucky I am to have them all so close.

They were there when I was becoming me. When we stayed up late studying. Making up new drinks. Setting each other up. Singing on stage at bars. Dancing at clubs. Laughing at silly boys who use silly pick-up lines. Listening to each other's stories.

They're still here, and I'm still becoming me. The studying has been replaced by working. We don't dance and sing together as much anymore. But the boys still use their silly pick-up lines. And we still listen. And encourage. And ground each other, while still giving each other's dreams wings.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

head versus heart

It's been a really long time since I fell this hard for someone. It always takes me a while before I let my guard down. I'm damaged goods. Read through the archives if you don't believe me.

We took things slow at the beginning. My friends thought it was weird, too slow. I felt comfortable with the pace, and from what he said, so did he.

Things were really great for a while. We talked about future plans. About trips we'd take together. Things we'd do. He was almost always the one suggesting the future plans.

We did fun things together. Enjoyed each other's company and conversations. Missed each other when we were apart.

Then something changed. With him. He says he doesn't know what. Well, if he doesn't know, I sure don't.

There are no more future plans discussed. A trip we had planned to take together, I'm now planning solo. I tried to include him, but he used work as an excuse for not being able to plan that far in advance.

We've talked about it. He's assured me it's not the things any girl would typically suspect when such a change occurs. He's not seeing someone else. He doesn't want to. He still likes me and wants to date me, he's just pulling back. He says he has things to figure out.

The things he did and said back then made me fall for him. The things he's doing and saying now are having the opposite effect. Just not as fast.

My head knows I should stop letting him make me feel not good enough. My heart isn't quite listening yet. Both want what we had back.

I'm not sure when the giving him time to figure things out becomes too much. When it takes me from being the understanding girlfriend to being the fool.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

not good

It was part of my present. A night out. Dinner and a movie. And in typical date fashion, he even picked me up.

Sushi is one of our favorite things to enjoy together. The place was new to both of us. And will not be graced with our presence again anytime soon.

Compared to our nearly once a week favorite, this place more than paled in comparison. The service was not great, and the sushi was even worse.

I laughed it off. He seemed genuinely upset that the gift he chose was not the best sushi.

I got to choose the movie. I chose poorly. I love Will Smith, just not this movie. At all.

He told me I'm off movie-picking duty. I agreed.

The first night after our "talk" turned out to be a bust. He even said he was mad at Santa, since the whole night was part of my Christmas present.

I didn't really mind. I had fun with him, despite the food, despite the bad movie. I told him I enjoyed the company despite the rest. Thanking him again for the gift.

But something's not quite right. Perhaps a girl should take the hint when her boyfriend is more interested in who is text messaging him than the movie he's at with his girlfriend. Even a bad movie.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

how far will hoping get you?

I know I've been delinquent. I've started to write, but the words just won't come. So I fill in with fluff and comments on sporting events. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Really.

I just need to figure things out. The boy and I had a "talk" last weekend. It didn't go well, but it didn't go terribly. And I still have no idea what's going on. It seems I like him more than he likes me. I used to know things weren't always as they seemed.

Now, the only thing I know is I'm not ready to give up yet. I just hope he feels the same.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Go Tigers!

Way to go Tigers! Not to downplay LSU's National Title, because I'm very happy they beat the poisonous nuts. However, I'm a bit more excited about my Tigers!

Time Magazine's Sports Moment of the Year

Pontiac's Game Changing Performance of the Year

To check out the full video of Trinity's 15 laterals to win over Millsaps click here.

And to those of you that say it wasn't football, or was only Division III, think about a few things. These guys aren't Division I players. They aren't on scholarship. They played their hearts out to keep their championship hopes alive. And were, in fact, SCAC Co-Champs this year. They also won $100,000 for their school, simply by playing the game they love.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

freezing in the New Year

It's a brand new year. New Year's Day. I had fantastic plans for ringing in the new year.

This morning I'm snuggled up under several blankets. The view out the window is spectacular. Beautiful blue-bird blue skies. Snow covered trees and mountains.

My plan was to be on the hill early this morning. Skiing. Enjoying the beauty.

But, plans have a way of not working out lately.

I've either gotten old, or just wimpy. The thermometer is still showing the temperature is below zero. And that doesn't include the wind chill. I just can't bring myself to get all geared up to freeze.

Old? Maybe. Wimpy? Definitely.

A little sad, too. J, other friends and the boy were supposed to come up to the mountains to join me in ringing in the new year. Between the road closures and the "treacherous" driving conditions, none made it up.

I spent most of the past few days hanging out with my brother and his family. Thankfully they like my company. Enough that the minute it was clear i would be solo on New Year's Eve, they insisted I join them.

Graciously feeding me, when I'd had reservations. My nieces and Trivial Pursuit entertaining me, instead of hanging out and drinking beers in a bar. Watching fireworks from their condo, instead of freezing on Main Street.

The surprising part was that I didn't miss the going out. At all. I would have loved if the boy could have been here to kiss as the ball dropped, twice replayed. But I'm a little glad we didn't have to go to a crowded bar.

Perhaps it just all goes back to being old and wimpy. But I'm perfectly happy staying inside, watching a little of the Rose Bowl Parade, then some football, waiting for the mercury to rise so I can enjoy the skiing, instead of freezing. Because freezing is only fun when you can enjoy that steaming cup of hot cocoa afterward with someone.

Happy New Year to you all!