too quiet

Everything's too quiet. No matter how long I stay away, when I come home the silence is deafening.

There's no face in the window waiting for me. There's no wagging tail to greet me. There's no tiggering for treats. No impatient pacing waiting for our walk.

Last week I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I had to say goodbye to my best friend.

No matter how much I try to remember the years of wonderful moments I was lucky enough to share with her, the hole in my heart is too vast. It swallows me whole. My heart is broken.

I miss you, TheDog, the best dog ever. I miss you so very very much.

a furry miracle

The second she realized where we were she started shaking. She hates the place, and I don't blame her. Not that they're not nice to her there. Not at all. But she has been cut open a few times by them.

The last time they took her back into the back room, I had to leave her there, for days. The last time, they didn't think she would make it. The last time they sent her home with me and told me to just try and make her comfortable, that it might not be too long. The last time was after the last ultrasound, six months ago.

This time, the last place she wanted to go was back to the back room. It was for another ultrasound. It took a while, and I nervously did some work to distract myself, so I wouldn't really think about it.

When they called me into the room again so the vet could talk to me, I got a knot in my stomach. No, it couldn't be.

But when I saw both the oncologist and the surgeon come into the room with big smiles on their faces, I knew I didn't need to worry.

They said they could no longer even detect the mass on the ultrasound. The low-dose chemo was working. And the next day, her blood work came back looking good.

TheDog is doing great. And although I was hesitant to make plans for a birthday party for the old girl, my sister talked me into it. And now there's no way we're not helping her celebrate turning 15 in a bit over a month. What is that, 105 in dog years?

Thank you, everyone, for all your prayers and well wishes over the last six months for TheDog. Apparently miracles do happen.

fading friends

I was reminded this weekend that some friends won't be forever friends. That some friends are friends for a certain period of your life and then the friendship fades.

Some friends I have been very close with on and off since college got together this weekend. And sitting at dinner, listening to some of them tell their stories, commandeering the conversation as if they were the only important ones, I realized that these friendships had started to fade.

Sure, I will always be "friends" with them. But they have become too self-absorbed to even ask about anyone else.

Things are a little rough for a couple of us right now. But not once did the self-absorbed ones ask about us.

It all became clear. They have become just good-time friends. The kind who will usually join you for a beer, but can't be counted on for real conversation.

At least I'm learning.

photo Friday #15

Snowy Days

Colorado
(January, 2009)

If you would not be forgotten,
as soon as you are dead and rotten,
either write things worth reading,
or do things worth the writing.

Benjamin Franklin

what I did on my "vacation"

Yes, for those of you who stopped by since I fell off the planet, I'm still here. Alive. Good. All that.

Just busy. With work and other work. Friends and family. And of course there was a trip ot two.

Besides all that, my issues are still inconsequential compared to others. I've been the sounding board. To many. Some friends who were at one time too busy to talk to me about the craziness they now find themselves in.

But I'm here. Always. With real friends, that's just the way it is.

I would never question one on why she didn't talk to me about it while she was in the midst of it, only when it was over. That's just her way. And I know that. She has other things she's dealing with also. And when she needs a shoulder or ear, she knows she has mine. Always.

And although I want to shake another friend and ask what the heck he thinks he's doing. I'm trying not to get too involved. It's not my place.

Maybe a drama-magnet friend was right, maybe there has been too much drama lately.

unsure

I've kept things to myself. Not shared. Every time I try to explain why I am feeling the way I do my friends or sister say I'm being too quick to judge.

But there's a gut feeling. The same kind that I can't explain to him about why I think the way I do about certain issues.

I don't know if I need to be more tolerant or if my trepidation is founded. And recently I haven't been in the mood to figure it out. I'm exhausted by the mere thought of figuring it out.

I need someone to talk with about it all. But everyone is too busy. My little issues are completely inconsequential in comparison to others' right now.

I'll figure it out eventually. Maybe. Hopefully.

photo Friday #14

Red Aspens

Colorado
(October, 2008)

What you are will show in what you do.

Thomas A. Edison