brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Monday, June 23, 2008

new man in my life

I can't remember where I left off. I will get back to the trip stories, friend stories, and other tales at some point. Right now, I have a boy story.

He's adorable. He's got big, big deep blue eyes. For now, anyway. Cute little toes. Long, destined-to-play-piano-like-his-mom fingers.

And best of all, he likes me. He smiled at me a little bit the night I met him. That was the moment I was smitten.

When he was crying as his grandma held him, I offered to hold him. And he quieted right down. He likes his auntie.

And this auntie is very much looking forward to hanging out with the new man in the family, my nephew.

Friday, June 20, 2008

photo Friday #12

near Moab

(May, 2008)

Only those who will risk going too far
can possibly find out how far one can go.

T. S. Eliot

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

can't even imagine the right words

A few months ago they all thought it was gone. The doctors. The patient. Her family. A clean bill of health. But back it came. Quickly.

Try though she did, this time it was just too much for her. And she left behind an amazing family. One I was lucky enough to feel a part of, even being invited to Sunday family dinners.

I finally was able to clear the lump that has set up permanent residence in my throat long enough to call my friend. I didn't know what to say. Just knew I had to call.

We talked for a while. She was happy to hear from me. She told me I was one of the few people that understood the bond she had with her mom.

When I walked in the door of my house, my mom was there for our plans for the evening with my sister. She asked why I had tears in my eyes. I told her about my earlier conversation.

She teared up. Sadly she'd never met my friend's mom, although I know they would have been fast friends. I understand she's sad simply because of how much my friend's mom meant to her, and to me. But it seemed to be more than that.

Then I realized, she was about my age when it took her dad. That she knew all too well just how difficult a time my friend was having losing a parent at such an early age. Having to go through the ups and downs of treatment. Trying to explain what was happening to her young kids.

My friend said she was focusing on how lucky she is to have had such a wonderful mom that she lived close to and spent lots of time with. She's right, I do understand. And I feel extremely lucky and a little guilty to have gotten to go to dinner and a play with my mom and sis tonight.

And so I urge you, be thankful for all the family and friends you have in your lives. I know I am. And please keep my friend and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

words aren't working

I hurried back from my friend's wedding weekend festivities for Father's Day festivities with the family. It was wonderful. But the call I got from another friend's husband on the way home from my sister's was anything but.

I'm sad. For her, for her family. And a little mad in the why do things like this happen to wonderful people way.

I don't have the energy to think too much about it. Everytime I do, tears stream down my face and all I want to do is call my mom.

Monday, June 09, 2008

too much, not enough

I know. I still have to tell a tale or two about a river trip. The problem is, I haven't even had time to download pictures from my cameras. And what kind of trip tale would it be without the pictures?

What have I been busy with? Meeting new guys, hanging out with them. Maybe even a date or two. Spending lots of quality time with friends hiking, hanging out in the mountains, having a guy in a very short skirt serve us brunch. Going to fantastic shows. Trying to get ready for a triathlon. And working on other things.

The list goes on. And on. And I'm hoping I have time to tell the tales at some point. But for tonight. I have to put my disappointment away at yet another guy failing to call when he says he will and get some sleep. Lots of things to take care of in a short week.

Friday, June 06, 2008

photo Friday #11

Red Rocks

Morrison, Colorado
(June, 2008)

Take the first step in faith.
You don't have to see the whole
staircase, just take the first step.

Martin Luther King

Thursday, June 05, 2008

no good at this

Do they have to make your heart skip a beat? Right away? Or is attraction or interest something that can grow as you get to know someone.

I've been fully consumed by the butterflies and weak knees only to have those feelings wane. I've been not-so-interested, only to become more interested. But the latter has never grown to the butterflies. Never become the person I can't wait to see, wait to talk to.

Maybe it's just me. I don't know. But I think there has to be a spark near the beginning, or it won't work. Not in the long term.

You can try to convince yourself that he might be a possibility. The perfectly nice guy that insists on taking you to dinner and concerts. Who opens the door for you. Who says sweet things about your smile. That is interesting to talk to. Who should be the right guy. That his niceness will create more.

But in my (limited) experience that has never been the case. Whether I give it a few dates to spark or over a year. (Yes, I know, save your breath.)

But this time I think it might be me. I am not feeling up to dating. Or constantly putting my best foot forward. To meet new guys, only to go on a date or two and for one of us to lose interest. I'm tired of trying. Does it have to be this hard?

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

no more punching bag

The plan was to skip out on work a tad early to exchange cars. Stopping by the car wash on the way, to remove the sand from the trip before returning the barge to my dad. The quick exchange turned into a marathon shopping, dinner, and coffee evening.

The perfect distraction from a day spent quibbling with my siblings about what to do for Father's Day, and whether I was a terrible daughter simply because I'm flying back only in time for dinner and not in time for other festivities if they ever get planned.

I bought a few workout wardrobe items I needed, and talked my mom into a few things as well. We both completely redecorated our houses without buying a thing. Well, unless you count my mom's new dish towels.

Just hanging out with my mom nearly made me forget the mean things my brother said to me when I mentioned how expensive it would be to change my flight to accommodate the possible change in plans. Despite the fact that I tried to get them to discuss plans weeks ago before I booked my flight.

Somewhere in the middle of the furniture section at C&B, while deciding which rugs might go best in which rooms, I realized it's not worth the fight. My brother will either realize he's being a jerk or he won't. I'm too exhausted to insist my dad is important to me to someone who very well knows that is the case. To someone who is simply taking his frustrations in other areas out on me.

I've decided to try to be the bigger person. I'll ignore his jabs. Excuse myself from the role of his punching bag.

Monday, June 02, 2008

don't know what to say

It seems self-indulgent. To tell stories of trips and boys and friends. When my friend is barely hanging on.

I could barely look at her today. She didn't want to look at me. We'd both start crying if we did. I don't know what to say. She doesn't want me to say anything.

She wants to keep her mind off of what's going on. I understand.

I reassured her of what she already knows. That I'm here for her. Always. Whenever.

I hope I have the strength to be the kind of friend she is to me.