brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

no good at this

Do they have to make your heart skip a beat? Right away? Or is attraction or interest something that can grow as you get to know someone.

I've been fully consumed by the butterflies and weak knees only to have those feelings wane. I've been not-so-interested, only to become more interested. But the latter has never grown to the butterflies. Never become the person I can't wait to see, wait to talk to.

Maybe it's just me. I don't know. But I think there has to be a spark near the beginning, or it won't work. Not in the long term.

You can try to convince yourself that he might be a possibility. The perfectly nice guy that insists on taking you to dinner and concerts. Who opens the door for you. Who says sweet things about your smile. That is interesting to talk to. Who should be the right guy. That his niceness will create more.

But in my (limited) experience that has never been the case. Whether I give it a few dates to spark or over a year. (Yes, I know, save your breath.)

But this time I think it might be me. I am not feeling up to dating. Or constantly putting my best foot forward. To meet new guys, only to go on a date or two and for one of us to lose interest. I'm tired of trying. Does it have to be this hard?


VJ said...

No. And it gets harder with age in some significant respects. But the slow kindling model actually may work when you're a bit older a bit better. It's the insides that count most after all. The outsides are what put the 'butterflies' in the tummy. They're the ideals. The 'tall dark & handsomes'. Or whatever your type usually is. It's time to play against type & to try different things. Weariness is a timeless condition, it's not a prescriptive to give up all hope! Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'

Jen said...

I'm not positive, but I think the 'butterflies' in most cases subside over time anyway, and what matters is who you are left with when they do. Maybe love isn't really about the butterflies; if they are going to fade away after a while, that shouldn't be part of the criteria when dating someone. Perhaps finding a guy that is compatible with you is more important- someone that enjoys the same activities, has the same family values, and wants the same things out of life as you do.

In the end, you would probably be much happier with a guy that is 'perfectly nice' and treats you well, than with one that gave you that fluttery feeling in the beginning but doesn't treat you as he should. As time goes on, and the nice guy shows his devotion to you through thick and thin, you may find that the magical feeling that wasn't there in the beginning will finally be there.

Don't give up- but give yourself a break. The weariness probably stems mostly from the pressure you put on yourself to find "The One."

Elizabeth said...

I disagree. My experience mirrors your, RG. The passion has almost never ignited for me after a prolonged period. It either happens at the beginning or it doesn't. And if it doesn't, no amount of niceness ever makes it easier to be with that person, once you've figured out that the spark isn't there.

Someone told me once that when you get right down to it, love is a numbers game and the more often you toss the dice, the closer you are to hitting the right number.

Hang in there.


VJ said...

I could go on at some great length on this topic, but let's just say I tend to respectfully disagree with 'what's going on inside Betty's head' here.

I've no doubt that this has been your unfortunate experience so far. But passion, like most of our emotions, can be 'learned' and 'reworked' from experience. Romance does not always have to be this 'fire in the belly' instant swoon job that everyone is so enamored with from seeing the same up on the big movie screens, or on the TV shows, or even earlier, described in literature.

Yes, you can either 'feel' or Not Feel 'it'. There's plenty of give & take in a hypothetical 'prolonged period', and perhaps the number just never came up right. That's fine. But depending or betting your future on the vague indescribable feeling of 'instant smitten' is a fairly depressing and not too useful way of looking at or seeking romance/true love/true companionship.

Age, experience and yes even some wisdom should guide us better here. Our bodies & brains seek out the most youthful mate possible, the ones with the most desirable bodies (according to our particular requirements), and youthful features. This is the way biology works. The reason it works this way is simple also, in order to beget another generation as quickly and safely as possible.

So by middle age or even Approaching middle age, our bodies and brains are now slightly out of sync and unfortunately simple errors of judgment, logic & mistakes can pile up when we get 'smitten' by that 'banging bod' of that youngster that seems to like us. Hence the numerous & ever popular 'May December' marriages between wealthy tycoons and good looking chorus girls/check out gals. If our needs are simple and fairly reductive, (I desire another family), this is the way to bet for many older guys. If they want true companionship with someone who understands them deeply, perhaps not so much.

We assume for many women that their needs may be a bit more complex, which is not to underestimate the appeal and certain attractiveness of a younger mate or BF at any age. But at any age love can take time. Time to 'flame up' and time to take off. Time to learn about and discover one another. Still, not everyone has the time to commit to such a precarious adventure. Especially in this day and age. It almost sounds foolhardy from the start.

So Betty, I only know some of the history from the blog. In other instances, it can and has worked differently. If we were all condemned to follow the same 'love model' it would be a desperately dull world indeed. Not every romance began with a swoon or even a much of a tingle. Many a marriage never began with much passion beyond the simple pleasures of home spun life & home cooking. But they still prospered and lived long lives to tell us all about it.

We sometimes want the Hollywood ending without realizing that we just don't live there, and we're unlikely to enjoy the visit or the view from that perspective. There's much confusion about the general prospect of 'love', but it's all around us. All we have to do is open our eyes to see, hear & accept & participate with it & in it's wonder. That may sound silly, but thinking that every significant romance has to start with 'weak knees' & 'butterflies' as a matter of course, is sillier still to my mind.

I just knew I could say a bunch on the topic... Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'