brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

better, hopefully

she was still in bed when my mom called today. that worried my mom, and she asked her how she felt.


and it wasn't just the words, mom could hear it in her voice, too. she'd slept. well. and for a long time.

hopefully that means she's on the road to improvement. hopefully her doctor will ok her to take the road back up here, soon.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

mocking sun

the sun came out. to shine it's brilliance on life. to show how things march on despite sick grandmothers. to show that happiness does exist (even if it's not my own). to mock me as I'm chained to my desk. to show me just how dead flat my tire was.

yes, really. I can't catch a break. this time I have to replace all 5 tires. it can't be repaired and it's discontinued. and with AWD, I can't buy one different tire. the worst part is, the ones I have had quite a bit of life left in them yet.

well, at least I know my grandma has a lot of life left in her. she was ornery to the ER staff when her friend took her over the other night. but she's feeling a little better now that she's home.

a week ago my mom said she was too tired to be ornery. so ornery is an improvement. and that brings a little happiness with it despite the rest.

Monday, April 24, 2006

grey clouds

grey clouds and drizzle outside my window mirror my melancholy. is it the weather? or just post-vacation let down? every time I try to write about my recent trips or my grandma I can't. the words just won't come.

I miss something. it could be my friends. my grandma. a boy. beautiful spring days. my sanity. all of them, none of them. I'm not certain.

thank you all for your concern and well wishes for my grandma! wanted to let those that have asked know that my grandma's doing slightly better.

my mom flew back last night. more because she had to for work, than because she felt my grandma was fine. but she's back home. I'm back home. and my grandma's friend is back home to help her if she needs it.

the grey clouds will clear. the sun will shine again. outside and in. it has to.

Monday, April 17, 2006

helpless frustration

she says she's feeling better. but my mom just called me in tears. and reduced me to them as well.

my grandma doesn't want my mom there waiting on her anymore. she's frustrated at being sick. she's taking it out on my mom.

unfortunately my mom's not the type to deal with that well. she'd called me to find her a flight. she doesn't have internet access there.

I tried to calm her down. the middle child in me shining through. trying to make her see the situation from my grandma's point of view.

I wish it had worked. I wish I had gotten through to her.

my mom takes things very personally. my grandma telling her she doesn't need or want her there anymore might as well have been her telling my mom she didn't love her anymore.

she's the martyr. but this time it can't be about her. this time she has to make sure my grandma can take care of herself before she leaves.

I asked her how she thought my grandma really felt. she said probably a little better. but she'd sent my mom to the store for some medicine.

I tried to get my mom to understand that my grandma's just frustrated that she doesn't feel well enough to be her usual independent self.

my mom's frustrated, too. all she wants to do is make sure she feels better before she flies home. and now she feels she can't win. if she stays, my grandma will be upset. if she doesn't but my grandma gets worse, she'll never forgive herself.

and I'm frustrated. I can't do anything. I can't make my mom see my grandma's point of view. I can't help my grandma to see that it's alright to lean on someone while she's really sick.

and I'm still very worried. I can't concentrate on work. and just when I'd settled in, found some focus, to catch up on some things tonight, my mom called.

my grandma has to get better. she has to let people, my mom and her doctors, help her to get better. and my mom has to realize that sometimes people take out their frustration on those they love. because they know we'll love them back no matter what.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

she has to be ok

it's been years, decades actually, since I lost a grandparent. my grandma is the last one I have left. and she's not feeling well.

she went to the doctor yesterday. he said she was on the verge of pneumonia. my mom flew down there this morning.

I'm scared. I'm worried. and I feel utterly helpless.

I just saw her two weeks ago. but I miss her already. I was supposed to fly back down in a few weeks to drive her up for the summer.

I want to go down there now. but with work, and my trip to NY next week, it's not very feasible.

if my mom calls today when she gets there and tells me she's worse, though. I'll be there. some things are more important than a job. then commitments.

I hope she's feeling better. I hope she draws from the amazing strength I know she has and pulls through. I can't imagine not having her. she just has to be ok.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

just maybe

I hoped it would happen, even though I'd given up on it. I heard the phone ring, but didn't get there in time.

it was him. I waited for the phone to beep again. so I could hear his voice. hear what he had to say.

it didn't. there was no message.

I can't call again. can't say I saw you called.

and all I want to do is talk to him. and I can't explain it. I've never met someone that seemed to get me as he did.

maybe he'll try again. just maybe.

Monday, April 10, 2006

springtime in the Rockies

days like Saturday are why I love it here, why I'll never* leave.

as we drove over the pass, the crisp blueness of the sky made me sigh. it was perfect. the fluffy newly fallen snow. the jagged rocks. the unreal color of the sky.

and as we got to the top of the mountain. I looked over the mountains surrounding us. my breathe caught. and it wasn't just the altitude.

this place brings back memories. of the guys I skied with in high school. of ex-boyfriends. of wonderful friends. of my siblings and I all skiing together.

it had been too long since I'd been to A-Basin. and now I can't imagine what has kept me away. it's small, not a resort. the people are my kind of people. it's laid back. easy-going. comfortable.

after making some runs, even nearly fresh tracks on the east wall, we decided to head down to the beach. we met up with friends and enjoyed the beach party atmosphere. dogs playing in the snow. friends relaxing in chairs. enjoying beers and laughter.

then it was time to head back. we stopped at a quaint deli in a small mountain town for lunch. once back in the city, the weather was beautiful. sunny. very warm.

I took TheDog for a nice long walk. then headed to a friend's birthday fiesta. perfect weather to sit on the patio and drink tasty margaritas surrounded by good friends.

perfect day. great friends. springtime in Colorado.

* I know, never say never. but days like Saturday make it difficult for me to imagine living anywhere else.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

skip of the heart

I walked in the door. my heart skipped just a little. then butterflies. he saw me walk in and got up to meet me. he offered me his seat, as it was the only one. we talked and laughed. it was easy. but it was more than that. interesting. heartfelt.

I glanced across the bar. my gaze landed upon a friend. I waved and motioned him over without even thinking. then realized I should have checked with him. my friend joined us. he didn't mind. we even joined my friend and his girlfriend when they sat down for dinner.

the evening stretched on much longer than our first. but despite both of our after work tiredness, the conversation didn't cease. I began to realize I liked this guy. a lot.

as he walked me towards my car, he told me he was sad he couldn't see me for a while since I was leaving on my adventures* the next morning. I smiled. me too. he leaned in and kissed me. my heart skipped just a little.

I couldn't stop grinning on my way home. I called him when I was gone and we talked for a while. and all seemed good.

but something changed while I was gone. he either got scared or reconsidered. or maybe I just misread things. now all I want is for my heart to skip a little.

* I know, I promised tales of my travels. and I promise to make good on that promise. but not yet. my head's not there right now. or maybe it's my heart that's not there.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

all of you

I was reminded Sunday of a few things. of how easy it is to feel like, to think that, you know someone. even when you really don't. of how I consider among my friends those who read my random ramblings and those who invite me to read about their lives, even those I have not met. of how much I enjoy the mental vacation of writing.

my friend Yoda reminded me of these things while keeping me company waiting for my flight home. (and yes, I'll get to the tales of my travels soon.)

he's the third person I've met through this writing experiment. and so far, I'd say, I'm three for three. kt's become an amazing friend. and through her I met the talented stacers, although only briefly. and now, Yoda.

is it just me or are the people who pour their thoughts and wishes and dreams out for the world to read a special kind of people? or maybe I'm just a bit biased.

but sitting in the airport talking with my old/new friend was wonderful. he's more kind and interesting in person than even his entries would lead one to believe.

our conversation felt to be between old friends catching up on each others lives, rather than two people who had never really met. and catch up we did, as I've been remiss with my friends. yes, all of you.

I know, I know. I've been too busy. I haven't written, or called. I haven't read up on your lives, or commented when I have. and I'm sad I won't have much time to change that anytime soon.

but as I learned Sunday, as with all true friends, it doesn't matter how long it has been, time makes no difference when there is friendship as a tie. and I feel extremely lucky to have met such wonderful friends.

yes, all of you.