brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Monday, April 17, 2006

helpless frustration

she says she's feeling better. but my mom just called me in tears. and reduced me to them as well.

my grandma doesn't want my mom there waiting on her anymore. she's frustrated at being sick. she's taking it out on my mom.

unfortunately my mom's not the type to deal with that well. she'd called me to find her a flight. she doesn't have internet access there.

I tried to calm her down. the middle child in me shining through. trying to make her see the situation from my grandma's point of view.

I wish it had worked. I wish I had gotten through to her.

my mom takes things very personally. my grandma telling her she doesn't need or want her there anymore might as well have been her telling my mom she didn't love her anymore.

she's the martyr. but this time it can't be about her. this time she has to make sure my grandma can take care of herself before she leaves.

I asked her how she thought my grandma really felt. she said probably a little better. but she'd sent my mom to the store for some medicine.

I tried to get my mom to understand that my grandma's just frustrated that she doesn't feel well enough to be her usual independent self.

my mom's frustrated, too. all she wants to do is make sure she feels better before she flies home. and now she feels she can't win. if she stays, my grandma will be upset. if she doesn't but my grandma gets worse, she'll never forgive herself.

and I'm frustrated. I can't do anything. I can't make my mom see my grandma's point of view. I can't help my grandma to see that it's alright to lean on someone while she's really sick.

and I'm still very worried. I can't concentrate on work. and just when I'd settled in, found some focus, to catch up on some things tonight, my mom called.

my grandma has to get better. she has to let people, my mom and her doctors, help her to get better. and my mom has to realize that sometimes people take out their frustration on those they love. because they know we'll love them back no matter what.


hubs said...

i can sympathise. i had a very similar, teary, phone call from my mom on christmas eve day. grandma needed assisted living, she didn't like it and took it out on my mom. hang in there. i'm sure you know how complicated mother-daughter relationships can be, your mom and grandmas is probably no different. stay strong and ypur mother and grandmother will too.

Fizzy said...

Very wise words. Sometimes it takes the person watching on, to put a situation into words, for those included to see what is happening.

(I hope that makes sense.. )
Hope you are OK

Yoda said...

Hey, RG...

I agree with hubs and fizzy. Hang in I'm learning this last week or so, sometimes the best thing is to stay away.

The way I look at it is that your mom must also be pretty terrific to have raised YOU, so she's got to have it goin' on herself. It's hard for her, though, to see her own mom so uncomfortable, and she's turning to you for help...even if that help is just a dry shoulder and a little bit of listening.

Actually, even if that's all you're doing, you ARE doing something. You're helping her direct her own frustration away from your grandma, which is what your grandma really needs, too. :-)


Wordnerd said...

Please hang in there, both you and mom. I dealt with that for many years -- the person that needs you the most hating to admit how helpless they are. She's fortunate to have you both...and she knows it.

KleoPatra said...