brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Monday, September 22, 2008

welcome fall

It's my favorite season, if you don't count skiing and hiking seasons, this season of fleece pullovers and sweaters. Yes, I love fall.

So why in the world am I leaving my cool evenings and mornings to head south for another week of heat? Why, the music and friends, of course.

Another week of summer on repeat. Another year of listening to good tunes with great friends.

I can't wait. Although I have to, for another day or so. But soon I will happily leave the stress of work, and sadly leave TheDog.

And even though I know she'll be well cared for, I'll worry about her the entire time. My sister will spoil her while I'm gone, take wonderful care of her. But leaving her has been a really difficult decision. I just hope it's not the wrong one.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

circle of friends

Some called me the organizer, others the instigator. Until recently, I guess I didn't really think anything of it.

Sure I like to get my friends together. Have a bbq every now and again, plan a girls' night out, suggest a happy hour drink.

A group of us went to the baseball game last night. On tickets I had exchanged from games I'd missed. A friend of a friend asked how we all knew each other. One stated that I was the center.

That's certainly not always the case. But when I found out the girls assumed I had plans with the new boy since I hadn't suggested happy hours lately, I realized it sometimes is.

When I've always done the suggesting, people have simply assumed I was busy when I stopped. They didn't even imagine I really needed someone to do the suggesting for once.

Once I was certain TheDog would be fine left unsupervised. Certain I could leave her for a few hours and she'd be alright, I started suggesting things again. A baseball game, dinner.

One such suggestion led to the question of what my happy hour plans were. Happy Hour? I hadn't happy-houred in weeks.

Happy hour turned into hours of people watching at Oktoberfest. The baseball game turned into a few too many drinks among friends.

And things seem back to normal. Mostly.

Sitting around last night, after my last ill-advised martini, my nerdy friends and I all took out our cell phone calendars and added a few things.

They may or may not happen. But in making the plans, I realized we are all just busy. My friends haven't forgotten about me. I just need to crawl out of my cave sometimes and check in with them.

Monday, September 15, 2008

woe is me

Just a quick woe is me moment. Feel free to ignore.

It's pathetic just looking over at the number of posts per month this summer. The thing is, I haven't felt much like writing. Even before TheDog got sick.

It's not that I haven't had a fun summer. But I've felt a bit like life is passing me by. With wedding festivities and baby showers and kids birthdays to celebrate with all of my friends, there just haven't been many interesting "me" things to write about.

Even my birthday was a non-event this year. I canceled the party I had planned, because of TheDog. And I've felt guilty leaving her for too long to do too many frivolous things like happy hours and dinners.

My friends have mostly forgotten about me, it seems. I am so far out of the loop I didn't even know that two of my good friends are dating each other. And have been for a while.

Friends I've introduced have begun leaving me out of their get-togethers. And I'm not sure if it's something I've done, or something I forgot to do.

Only one or two called to check in on me in the weeks that TheDog was really sick. A few e-mailed. But it was like they didn't really want to have to hear about it.

And the birthday was a non-event for them, as well. We plan dinners and weekend get-aways for their birthdays, and mine came and went with maybe a text or e-mail.

It seems the one who always calls and is there for everyone else when they need to vent or just talk has no one to turn to for the same.

I'm just feeling slighted. Like my friends aren't really that right now. Like they would rather not be. Like my only real friends are either sick and furry or live hundreds and thousands of miles away. And I miss them.

Monday, September 08, 2008

not when

As we got closer to the place I'd been all to often lately, she started shaking. She truly hates that place. She's been there too much.

As we got out of the car she looked up at me with her beautiful big brown eyes. Pleading with me not to make her go back there. I smiled at her, promising it would be quick. Promising I'd take her home.

The surgeon, the other vet that sent TheDog home with me, and the surgeon's assistant all joined my mom, sister and I in the exam room with The Dog.

We were there to have the staples removed. And to get the results of the biopsies. I was happy to have them all there.

The news was not good. The mass is not the kind of cancer that will respond to chemo. And the surgeon still thinks the surgery to remove it is too risky, with too difficult of a surgery to put her through.

So, there is no next course of action. There's nothing I can do. And nothing anyone can do. Except spoil her rotten. And hope and pray that this thing grows slowly. And isn't at all painful. The vet assured us we would know when it became painful, or when it has grown too large.

I don't know what to do with when. I just know what I'm doing with now. Staying up with her. Making sure she's comfortable. Giving her lots of love, short walks and home-cooked meals. And wishing against when.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

waiting, wishing

My mom and sister were at my house when I got the call last week. It was the surgeon who did the exploratory surgery. She was calling to check on TheDog, and to let us know she'd gotten preliminary results on the biopsies.

I looked at my mom's and sister's worried and expectant faces. Then I asked what the results were.

She said the biopsies of the liver looked ok. I sighed, audibly. My sister smiled. I said the gazillionth prayer for the same thingsame thing.

Then the vet's voice changed. The biopsy of the mass in her stomach showed it was cancerous.

But it wasn't as specific as the vet would have liked. She asked if it would be ok to send the tissue samples to the outstanding lab up the highway a ways. It would help to determine what course of action could possibly be taken.

I agreed.

I relayed the information once I'd hung up. We were back to waiting and wishing.