brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Monday, September 08, 2008

not when

As we got closer to the place I'd been all to often lately, she started shaking. She truly hates that place. She's been there too much.

As we got out of the car she looked up at me with her beautiful big brown eyes. Pleading with me not to make her go back there. I smiled at her, promising it would be quick. Promising I'd take her home.

The surgeon, the other vet that sent TheDog home with me, and the surgeon's assistant all joined my mom, sister and I in the exam room with The Dog.

We were there to have the staples removed. And to get the results of the biopsies. I was happy to have them all there.

The news was not good. The mass is not the kind of cancer that will respond to chemo. And the surgeon still thinks the surgery to remove it is too risky, with too difficult of a surgery to put her through.

So, there is no next course of action. There's nothing I can do. And nothing anyone can do. Except spoil her rotten. And hope and pray that this thing grows slowly. And isn't at all painful. The vet assured us we would know when it became painful, or when it has grown too large.

I don't know what to do with when. I just know what I'm doing with now. Staying up with her. Making sure she's comfortable. Giving her lots of love, short walks and home-cooked meals. And wishing against when.


Elizabeth said...

Ah, RG. Tough post to write, tough post to read. I know your pain. It's been three years, but I can still feel it, still miss him. Despite my adoration of Lexi, Copper will always occupy a great space in my heart.

The power of now cannot be underestimated. I was gone the week Copper got sick, had only a few moments to make the decision, to say goodbye, to convey to him the depths of my love for him and despair of what was happening. Although you can't change the course of the universe, you can savor every moment you have left. How wise of you to recognize that.

Lots of love and support,

Glitter said...

: (

Stacey Peterson said...

I's so heartbroken for you reading these posts =( Sending lots of love your way...


VJ said...

Sorry to hear this RG. Your plan sounds like the sensible course given the news though. Spend the best time possible with her that you can afford to. Brighter moments to you, 'VJ'

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. :(

Trish Ryan said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. My stomach is clenched just reading this, imagining what you're going through. I'll be praying for you and your awesome dog. Hang in there. Feed her well and love her mightily. And notice how much she loves you.

Rebecca said...

I'm sorry to hear The Dog isn't doing well.

There's nothing worse than when one of your kids - real or fur - is sick...

Anonymous said...

Aw, geez, rg. I've not been making my blog-rounds in awhile, and I decided to check in and see how you were doing.

Yikes. All you can do is what you are doing. When 'the when' comes, we'll be here.