brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

like a rash

It's spreading across the blogosphere like wildfire, or, um, a rash. Kristy was one of the recent victims, and I apparently caught it (ok, asked for it).

It's an interview bloggy thing. I almost never do these things, but let's face it, it's been far too melancholy and restless around these parts lately. So, I asked Kristy to help jump-start some fun around here.

Here's how it works. She asks me five questions, I answer, then ask the first 10 commentors five unique questions in return. Since I never get 10 commentors, I'll ask questions of any of you who would like to be the subject of an interview, just leave a comment saying you'd like to be interviewed.

Here are Kristy's questions for me, and my rambling answers.

1. Since you've been writing about some sadder stuff lately, I was thinking I'd try and ask about happy places. This makes me think of cotton candy, which inevitably leads me to thinking of amusement parks. Except I don't really LIKE amusement parks. I hate roller coasters, and I especially hate spinny things, and I'm terrified of heights, and it finally dawned on me that there's really nothing I like about the Six Flags experience. (Especially when you factor in the abundance of tube tops and $5 Cokes.) Anyway -- what's your take on roller coasters, amusement parks, and the like?

I absolutely love, LOVE roller coasters. Love amusement parks, too. (But hate cotton-candy. Never been much of a fan of spun sugar.)

Favorite roller coasters? Montezuma's Revenge at Knox Berry Farm and of course the old Twister and Wildcat at Elitch's. Both were great old wooden roller coasters. The front and back cars of the Wildcat came off the tracks so everyone would wait even longer in line to get into those cars. (Adventure roller-coastering.)

One of my favorite high school memories was taking the clown car (aka packing as many people as could fit into my dad's small car, I think we managed 7) up to Denver to play at Elitch's for the day. Fond memories of friends and roller-coasters, but I can't remember much else. Except maybe a SkeeBall game or two. Oh, and the twirly swings.

2. What was your most favorite thing about turning 30? What was your least favorite thing about leaving your 20s?

I absolutely freaked out about two weeks before my thirtieth birthday. Couldn't sleep. Worried that leaving behind my carefree twenties was a kiss of death for my social life, worried I had to act grown-up and start being concerned about what people thought of me and where I was in life, worried I'd wake up with lines, bags and sags where there hadn't been any the day before.

The actual day of my thirtieth birthday was amazing. My wonderful friends and family gathered around my back yard for a bbq. My sister endeavored to make mix cds for me. (If you knew my sister, you'd know how incredible that was, because she just isn't into music like I am.) On the cds she included songs dedicated to me by friends both near and far. It was spectacular. Listening to the songs that reminded people of me. Even "Don't Fear the Reaper" dedicated to me by my brother, my older brother, made me laugh.

I realized that I didn't need to worry what people thought of me. If my friends and family were any indication, there were people that loved me no matter what. So far the best part of my 30s has been realizing I really can be whomever I want, and really don't need to worry about what other people think.

3. This may also seem like a silly question, but what's your favorite thing about vacations? Is there some aspect in particular you look forward to more than others?

Since most of my vacations lately have been to see friends, that as definitely been the the thing I look forward to most. I'm leaving Friday for a mini reunion with almost a dozen good friends from college before heading on to my brother's wedding. And I absolutely can't wait to see everyone and drink far too many margaritas.

The other favorite thing about vacations for me is looking at my zillions of pictures afterward. Then I get to re-live the vacation over and over and over.

4. As one single, childless thirtysomething to another, do you have baby names picked out? How sure are you of them?

I do. Just one. I've had it picked out for a really long time. My grandmother's first and middle names. Middle name first. Particularly since my mom gave me my middle name to be the same as my grandmother's.

Sure of it? Well, I believe that you do have to wait to meet the little bundle of joy before saddling it with an unfitting name. For instance, I was supposed to have my sister's name. But it didn't feel right to my parents, so they gave me mine. I can't imagine having another name.

5. What's the most accurate assessment of your personality you've ever read/seen/been given? (I'm talking magazine quizzes, astrology read-outs, personality tests, career reports, or just a wise synopsis given to you by a friend.)

I never think those quizzes are very accurate, they usually say I'm crazy, and that's obviously not true. Well, this may be asking for trouble, but I'm going to throw this one out to all of you. Give me a synopsis of my personality, and I'll let you know whose I think is most accurate.


Thanks for the great questions Kristy! And, since Kristy's interviewer Stacy had a little extra twist on the rules also allowing anyone to ask any questions of her in their comments, I'll add it, too. Ask away.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


In my trips to New York, DC, San Francisco, in walking down the streets in downtown Denver, even, I'd always imagined that working downtown (any downtown) would be fabulous.

The take-mass-transit-to-work possibilities, the lunch options, the after-work-drink locales. All sound enticing.

My sister does it, many friends have, too. But even though part of my bipolar personality fancies itself a city girl I never have, and without a significant career change, never will.

But after a meeting downtown, I decided that since I had already paid for all-day parking, I should use some of that time to have lunch downtown, like the sophisticated downtown-workers do.

I called my sister. She wasn't at her desk. I tried another friend. Strike two. Nearly defeated I tried one more.

He was up for it. We had trip planning to attend to anyway. We met for salads near his office.

He made me laugh as he always does. Made me forget some of the craziness that has been my life lately. Got me excited again for our upcoming trip.

As we walked to his office, I asked if he liked working downtown. He said not really. Describing his reasons made me realize I'd probably love it for a month, then be ready for another change.

Perhaps I will always be restless. With where I work, where I live, who I date.

For now, I'm satisfied knowing at least I'll be travelling soon.

Monday, April 23, 2007

miss you

My brother spoke beautiful words. Tales of mowing the lawn, eating raspberries and drinking grapefruit soda.

He told the many gathered to say goodbye to our grandmother of how special she was. How spectacular. How lucky my siblings and cousin and I were to have her. And to have her as long and as close as we did.

He explained how she was not only an amazingly strong and independent mother and grandmother, but a grandmother to all those that were special in her grandchildren's lives.

He began sobbing telling of how a few weeks ago, when he danced her out of the RV, she promised him a dance on his wedding day, not so long from now. I was sad for him. But knew he'd get that dance with our grandma anyway. If only in spirit.

His tears behind the podium gave me courage. I wasn't sure if I could do it. But as he finished and walked over to hug my mom, I walked up to take his place.

I wanted to tell everyone how special she was to me. How wonderful and amazing of a woman, person, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother she was. How she made me feel special. How she made everyone who knew her feel special.

About our crazy road trips. And about her smile on the last one, when she knew she was back home. Back in Colorado.

I think I got some of that out, but I'm not sure how coherent it was between the tears. At least she knew what I hoped to say. Knew and knows I love her very much. And although I know she will always be with me, I will miss her very much.

To my grandmother. The most amazing woman I have ever known. I love you and miss you.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

tears in the trees

As we walked through the trees with the dogs I began to cry softly. I couldn't let him see the tears. He just doesn't understand.

I've tried to talk to him about Gran, about Cass. He either changes the subject or says something along the lines of, "Well, she was old."

I hung back behind him. Partly because there was snow and mud, and I have a somewhat irrational fear of slipping and being carried down a mountain to an ambulance. But also partly because I just really needed to cry. And walk a bit in solitude with TheDog.

Everything just keeps piling up. Work deadlines, car repairs, court deadlines, looming trips for weddings for which I have nothing to wear. And of course there’s trying to deal with the loss of my grandma and our dog.

As I told one of my bosses yesterday when their (fake) deadline came and went. I’m a mess, I’m doing the best I can. If you need to switch my projects to others, I understand.

Maybe I need to tell him the same. I’m a mess, I’m doing the best I can. If you need to switch to another girlfriend, I understand.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007


I will never forget the day we picked her up. My sister and I drove through the snow and ice out to the "farm" in my brand-new-to-me car. We even had to hide the fact that I accidentally slid into the car in front of me*.

She was the cutest ball of white fluff. Absolutely adorable. I fell in love the minute we saw her in the barn.

She was my parents' Christmas present. We had decided they had been too long without two dogs, and they needed a puppy.

So, we had to keep the entire excursion a secret. Despite the fender-bender, it worked.

When my friend Rob came over on Christmas morning to wish the family Merry Christmas, he had our little fluffy surprise with him.

I was still in high school then. And she has been a very loved and, of course, very spoiled member of our family ever since.

In the last few years, she lost her hearing, and an eye, but up until very recently, she'd been her old spunky self.

She hadn't been able to get around on her own recently. And her constant moaning had made us all worry about her. Last week the vet said she was just in too much pain.

So, on Sunday, my sister and I drove down to say goodbye to our sweet fluffy, white baby dog.

Today she had a roast beef sandwich from Arby's. Her last meal. At least her appetite was still healthy.

Now she is gone. Off to play with PB in the vast meadows in the clouds. Before we even lay my grandma to rest.

I didn't realize I could cry so many tears.

I love you Cass. I will miss you so much.

* The other car stopped suddenly for no reason, and on the ice, I just couldn't quite stop. I barely bumped her. There was no damage to either car, regardless, the other driver was being horrible, trying to tell the cops I'd caused a huge dent about a foot above where my bumper could have possibly been. The cop simply told me to drive safely as he wrote her a ticket for having no proof of insurance.

Thursday, April 12, 2007


She took her last breath on this earth earlier tonight. My amazing grandmother has joined her husband in heaven.

I love you, Gran. So very, very much.

I will miss you more than I could ever begin to describe with words. But I am comforted in my belief that you have found tranquility.

May you rest in peace knowing you have left an indelible mark on my life and so many others.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


She's not good. And it's taking a toll on my mom. Mostly because my aunt is hanging on with everything she has. But my grandma's ready to let go.

I feel guilty not staying there with my mom. I can't concentrate anyway. But I'm in enough trouble at work for as much work as I've missed already, that I can't stay.

I just wish my grandma peace. And my mom, too.

Monday, April 09, 2007


I walked outside of my grandma's house. The world was still.

The ice covered trees were still. My mind felt ice covered. Numb. Still.

I didn't want to let the thoughts I knew were lingering in my subconscious permeate my conscious.

They did anyway. Too much time to think on the slow drive home.

I knew the kiss I left on my grandma's forehead might be the last. And I almost hoped it could be. For her sake.

My mom asked me to read a book. A book about what to expect when someone is dying.

It was hard to read. But it did make it easier to come to grips with what is happening.

I just wish I were closer. Wish I could be there with my grandma, for my mom. Wish I could make her pain go away.

She is one of the most amazing people I have ever known. Her strength. Her wisdom. Her independence. Her quiet way of love.

I hope in some selfish way she holds on until tomorrow night. So I can tell her those things.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007


Tonight's my last night holed up in a hotel far from home. (Well, one that I didn't choose to stay in.)

I'm almost giddy. I get to get back to some semblance of normalcy. I even get two full weeks home with TheDog before I leave her again.

I shouldn't complain. I have had fun excursions here and there during breaks in the "action." And many may be relayed here soon.

In the meantime, just wanted to give the (non) update on the boy situation. I'm right where I was two days ago. And still not sure I'm going to do anything more about it.

After our brief conversation tonight, I'm fairly certain nothing has changed. Not that I really expected anything to. As I commented, I don't think either of us is willing to back down right now.

And I'm not certain how long I can just stare across the OK Corral without either walking away or staying to fight.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

lucky night

Last night was apparently my lucky night. Well after the conversation with the boy, anyway.

In fact, I got lucky twice last night.

My luckiest 104 seconds was spent answering a few quesions, which brought me the win. (If you like trivia, you simply must check out Wordnerd's trivia.)

Also somewhat noteworthy, was that I won our office basketball pool. Both first and second place. (Yes, we can enter multiple brackets. Although I'm guessing this may be the last year they allow that.)

I've also recently won a lottery. (No, unfortunately not the kind that would let me get back home right now.)

This lottery win is the only thing saving my sanity right now. Between work, boy issues and family crises. The relaxation it will bring soon is my dangling carrot.

Monday, April 02, 2007

having doubts

I rarely bring up relationship issues while they're occurring. And this will likely not stay for long, but I have to vent and ask for advice.

After an unexpected reprieve from having to work last night, I tried to get the boy to hang out with me. He declined, saying he had to get things ready for the week.

I was a little upset, but decided I'd put my job ahead of him a time or two and this one could slide.

Then, when I talked to him tonight, he said he had looked into tickets for my brother's wedding. I was excited that he was up for joining me. Then he continued, explaining he wouldn't go if he had to get his own hotel room.

I had already explained to him that my mom is extremely old-fashioned, and simply did not approve of us shacking up at the wedding.

I even expanded on that tonight, explaining that my brother's wedding is not the appropriate time to test my mom's beliefs. It's about my brother and his fiance. It's their day.

The boy said he couldn't do it based on principal. I think it's ridiculous. I guess I see where he's coming from, but this is a family event, not mine. And it's only one night.

Maybe I am completely in the wrong. But I think at least he should have been open to discussing it. I guess his stance is more important than attending the event with me.

Maybe this should tell me something.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

really fast

I (almost) never push things here. But some things are too amazing to keep to yourself.

If you're in the market for fast internet access, you simply must check out Google's new offering, TiSP. It's a free in-home wireless broadband service. Who doesn't want that?

Even if you think you're not, you should really check it out.

And if you are of the hard-to-convince school, take a look at what others are saying.

If for any resaon you cannot locate these pages, please look here.

And Happy April Fool's Day!