brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

tears in the trees

As we walked through the trees with the dogs I began to cry softly. I couldn't let him see the tears. He just doesn't understand.

I've tried to talk to him about Gran, about Cass. He either changes the subject or says something along the lines of, "Well, she was old."

I hung back behind him. Partly because there was snow and mud, and I have a somewhat irrational fear of slipping and being carried down a mountain to an ambulance. But also partly because I just really needed to cry. And walk a bit in solitude with TheDog.

Everything just keeps piling up. Work deadlines, car repairs, court deadlines, looming trips for weddings for which I have nothing to wear. And of course there’s trying to deal with the loss of my grandma and our dog.

As I told one of my bosses yesterday when their (fake) deadline came and went. I’m a mess, I’m doing the best I can. If you need to switch my projects to others, I understand.

Maybe I need to tell him the same. I’m a mess, I’m doing the best I can. If you need to switch to another girlfriend, I understand.


Anonymous said...

Not a switch, but maybe you just need totake some time for yourself to deal and grieve. Just a night here and there. And that's perfectly ok to do. Especially since he must be very uncomfortable talking about death...some people can't handle it. Hang in there!

Glitter said...

You are only one person, you can only do so much. Take the time you need to cry, it's okay.

Elizabeth said...

Hrmp. I don't think he needs to switch, I think you need to a more compassionate guy!

Not that I'm any expert at finding them, as you well know.

Grieving is underrated. I always feel like I have to show off how strong I am and act like the pain is gone after just a day or two. The only person one hurts with that is oneself. No one else gets the joke.

Take your time. Cry your tears...openly and proudly. How lucky you are to have been both the bearer and the recipient of a love strong enough to be worthy of tears.

Amy said...

It would be difficult for any of us to know if he is just uncomfortable talking about death, or just doesn't know what to say to make it better, or doesn't understand that just being there is often enough...hang in there, you will know what to do with the boy.

But grieve. Let it roll. Feel everything and whenever it comes, let it be. The healthiest way to move forward is to feel our emotions and allow them the right to exist and be expressed.

You have so much in your heart...and you show it in such wonderful, healthy ways...don't stop that now.