brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Monday, April 02, 2007

having doubts

I rarely bring up relationship issues while they're occurring. And this will likely not stay for long, but I have to vent and ask for advice.

After an unexpected reprieve from having to work last night, I tried to get the boy to hang out with me. He declined, saying he had to get things ready for the week.

I was a little upset, but decided I'd put my job ahead of him a time or two and this one could slide.

Then, when I talked to him tonight, he said he had looked into tickets for my brother's wedding. I was excited that he was up for joining me. Then he continued, explaining he wouldn't go if he had to get his own hotel room.

I had already explained to him that my mom is extremely old-fashioned, and simply did not approve of us shacking up at the wedding.

I even expanded on that tonight, explaining that my brother's wedding is not the appropriate time to test my mom's beliefs. It's about my brother and his fiance. It's their day.

The boy said he couldn't do it based on principal. I think it's ridiculous. I guess I see where he's coming from, but this is a family event, not mine. And it's only one night.

Maybe I am completely in the wrong. But I think at least he should have been open to discussing it. I guess his stance is more important than attending the event with me.

Maybe this should tell me something.


Amy said...

I so agree with you. Completely. 100%. Your brother's wedding is NOT the time for you to raise eyebrows or leave your mark on your mother. You are completely correct. The focus should be entirely on your brother. And this might tarnish your mother's memory of the event just ever so slightly and you don't want to do that.

Do not compromise on this issue. You are correct in keeping someone's wedding as THEIR event and not taking any of the focus away from that.

I would have to guess that the boy just wants to feel that he is significant to you or something. He's looking for you to take a stand because he is uncertain, or has doubts or something. He's putting you to some sort of a test. Perhaps if you can sort out what reassurance he needs to have, you can help him acheive that without doing so at such a family event. Maybe with all the time you've had to spend apart he just doesn't feel as though you think as seriously on the relationship as he does right now? Maybe just a good heart-to-heart can clear it up on both sides.

But don't give in on the wedding. You are completely correct.

Julie said...

Yeah, what Amy said. I'm not sure what he's hoping to accomplish by drawing this line in the sand, but if he's not willing to respect the dynamics of your family, he's being childish and passive aggressive. And you don't need that.

Glitter said...

I totally agree with Julie and Amy. There's comes a time when you have to compromise if you love that person and treat your family and your wishes with respect. One night is not going to kill him.

Jen said...

This is a tough one. I am not sure why he would choose tp push this particular issue, but here is my theory. I think it is one of two situations.

The first scenario would be that because you have had to put family first a lot lately, now he is testing you to see if you can ever put his wishes first. He wants to know if it is always going to be your family that takes precedence even in trivial matters.

The other possibility is that he has given you this ultimatum knowing that you would choose to follow your family's wishes and that would give him an out. He could then say that you always choose your family over him and that is the end and he doesn't have to feel like a schmuck. I hope it isn't that one, but I wouldn't put it past a guy to do that.

If it is the first scenario, is there any way to make both of you happy? Can you get rooms that are side by side and have a door that opens from one to the next? That way you could actually stay in the same room and no one would be any the wiser.

I think it is a bit silly that he is so steadfast on this issue, but I can kind of see where it is coming from, so I am not going to bash him. I think he just needs to feel like his feelings are important too and have you take his side once in a while.

I know you said that your mom is very old fashioned, but do you know for sure that she is still vehemently opposed to you sharing a room with him? Maybe you are basing this on past knowledge and mom has lightened up a bit since then. Also, there comes a time when you have to not worry so much about what your parents think. They have their own lives and they want you to be happy, and the bottom line is that the two of you sharing a hotel room is not that big of a deal in the scheme of things, even though it might seem so. Perhaps you could discuss it with her beforehand and clear the air. You did say that your family really liked the boy, so maybe she would understand. Good luck and let us know the outcome, please.

Man, am I ever wordy!

hubs said...

amy julie and glitter have valid points but i'm more with jen on this one.

if the focus should be ENTIRELY on your brother, with no compromise and nothing else should be of concern, then why invite him at all. it seems to me a wedding would be the perfect time to show some compromise to those who love you.

of course he is testing you. it's one thing to be respectful and another to get walked all over. to be honest if I was in his shoes, I wouldn't go either, and i'd question my place in the relationship. it shouldn't be difficult for a grown, (35 year old) adult to stay in the same hotel room as their boyfriend, no matter how 'old fashioned' their mother is. if he is worth it, put up a fight. do it before the wedding so none of that all important focus is taken away. Remember, he's your date for this one, if your job to accommodate him a little bit. if you can't do that don't bring him.

ramblin' girl said...

Thanks everyone. Really apprecieate the advice...

Jen and Hubs, I know he's testing me. I even called him out on it. Told him it had nothing to do with us. But after discussing it with my mother (yes, Jen, I talked to her before I ever discussed it with him), I decided not to push the issue with her after everything she's dealing with right now. She just doesn't need it...

I explained to him where I'm coming from. But he's refusing to budge. And I know I am, too. So I guess we may be at an impass.

I just feel he's pushing me on the wrong thing right now. And I feel like pushing back.

And hubs, I'm old enough without the extra year... ;~)