bend an ear

I'm trying to figure something out. I'm good at figuring things out. That's what I do. Even my bosses recognize it, and they don't seem to recognize many things I do well.

But that's work. That's not relationships. Those, I'm not very good at figuring out. Maybe the problem is that I try to figure them out. Maybe I need to stop thinking so much. But I can't. It's who I am.

So, there's this guy. And every time I get a chance to talk to him I like him a little bit more. And if I had to guess, I'd say he might like me, too. But I don't get to see him very often.

He's a friend of a group of my friends. And therein lies the problem(s). My friends. Well, one in particular. She seems to attempt to sabotage my relationships, and try to keep others from happening.

She meddled in my last relationship. May have caused the beginning of the end. And she appears to be trying to do the same with this guy. Even though there's nothing yet to meddle in. She started acting oddly toward him as soon as she found out I liked him.

She's a good friend. When I called her on the last situation, she said she was doing it for me. And I can actually see how she may construe it that way. That is why we remain good friends. But this time it seemed malicious almost. I can't even bring myself to talk to her about it. To talk to her at all, yet. I'm seething.

And worse than the feeling I have of betrayal from my friend, I still like the guy. And can't figure out what if anything to do about the whole thing.

I need guidance, but since my usual suspects to go to for advice are too closely involved in the situation, I have no one to really talk to about the whole thing. And that makes me the most sad of all.

back in the habit

It's really hard for me to get back into the habit of things. Like writing. Or heading to the gym at lunch.

I'm working on it. But my work scedule has been very inconsistent lately. Add to that the erratic and crazy pup's schedule. And you have a recipe for a very tired girl. One who feels she's not quite doing everything she needs to or wants to do.

Sure I'm busy, but it's not just that. I've had all kinds of weird work, friend and family issues lately. Everyone seems a little out of sorts. And I don't quite know what to do about it. If anything.

Not to mention the typical holiday stresses. And the projects I'm trying to finish before Christmas.

Right now I'm concentrating on getting some work finished up for tomorrow so that I can take a nice, leisurely five day weekend. One that doesn't include working. At all.

I'm not convinced it will happen It will be some kind of miracle if I can pull it off. But that's what holidays are for, right?

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!! Enjoy your time with friends and family!

real reason

I know I'm supposed to be able to write whatever I want to here. Vent. Get out my frustrations. But I couldn't. I wasn't supposed to. And it may have been the time I needed it the most.

With TheDog sick, worried about her every day. With work and other things as bad as they've been. I refrained from sharing my thoughts with you, with myself even, because he asked me not to.

And then he pulled the disappearing act.

I don't understand how anyone can spend over a year of their life with someone and just fade away. I know it's happened to me before, and I'm guessing it will again. But I can't comprehend just ceasing communication with no reasons no closure.

I could venture guesses as to why he did it, but the truth is I don't care. It had been difficult for a very long time.

He'd been jealous of TheDog. Upset with me for spending too much time with her, worrying about her. Even though he was with me when I had to say goodbye, I had to ask, repeatedly.

Then when the silence of no paws got too much to bear, and I adopted Puppy, he was upset at the time I spent with her.

Despite his encouraging me to adopt a pup, he didn't really want for me to. Instead of joining us for walks, or playing with us in the back yard, he had other things to do. I never seemed to be his priority, but when he wasn't mine he got upset.

It's over, and it's a good thing. Even if I don't fully understand the why.

And I'm back. Back to enjoying the things I enjoyed, back to making no apologies for sharing my thoughts with you, with anyone who might care. Back to hoping for that one, the one who really wants me to share everything with him.

friends in far-flung places

What a crazy weekend. I ditched the pup with my sister and headed back to the scene of the shenanigans.

I've been back a few times but this was a reunion. So lots of other people from my class. But, most importantly, two of my best friends.

We stayed up late talking, toured around campus, playing the "remember whens," ate at our favorite restaurants and drank a margarita or two.

Ran into people I was very happy to see and a few I could go several more decades never running into again.

Despite still being a bit hungover and ridiculously sleep-deprived, it was a fantastic trip. I am reminded of how lucky I am to have the amazing friends I have, even if some live entirely too far away.

little paws

Everyone, meet the new(ish) pup. Pup, meet... everyone.

only a test

Dipping my toes in the water. Just seeing if there's anyone still out there.

But I suppose it doesn't matter... I'll be telling more stories soon. Just testing out a different way to post.

Photo Friday #16

Colorado-Style Hitching Post

outside a favorite bar, Colorado
(Summer, 2009)

A real friend is one who walks in
when the rest of the world walks out.

Walter Winchell

too quiet

Everything's too quiet. No matter how long I stay away, when I come home the silence is deafening.

There's no face in the window waiting for me. There's no wagging tail to greet me. There's no tiggering for treats. No impatient pacing waiting for our walk.

Last week I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I had to say goodbye to my best friend.

No matter how much I try to remember the years of wonderful moments I was lucky enough to share with her, the hole in my heart is too vast. It swallows me whole. My heart is broken.

I miss you, TheDog, the best dog ever. I miss you so very very much.

a furry miracle

The second she realized where we were she started shaking. She hates the place, and I don't blame her. Not that they're not nice to her there. Not at all. But she has been cut open a few times by them.

The last time they took her back into the back room, I had to leave her there, for days. The last time, they didn't think she would make it. The last time they sent her home with me and told me to just try and make her comfortable, that it might not be too long. The last time was after the last ultrasound, six months ago.

This time, the last place she wanted to go was back to the back room. It was for another ultrasound. It took a while, and I nervously did some work to distract myself, so I wouldn't really think about it.

When they called me into the room again so the vet could talk to me, I got a knot in my stomach. No, it couldn't be.

But when I saw both the oncologist and the surgeon come into the room with big smiles on their faces, I knew I didn't need to worry.

They said they could no longer even detect the mass on the ultrasound. The low-dose chemo was working. And the next day, her blood work came back looking good.

TheDog is doing great. And although I was hesitant to make plans for a birthday party for the old girl, my sister talked me into it. And now there's no way we're not helping her celebrate turning 15 in a bit over a month. What is that, 105 in dog years?

Thank you, everyone, for all your prayers and well wishes over the last six months for TheDog. Apparently miracles do happen.

fading friends

I was reminded this weekend that some friends won't be forever friends. That some friends are friends for a certain period of your life and then the friendship fades.

Some friends I have been very close with on and off since college got together this weekend. And sitting at dinner, listening to some of them tell their stories, commandeering the conversation as if they were the only important ones, I realized that these friendships had started to fade.

Sure, I will always be "friends" with them. But they have become too self-absorbed to even ask about anyone else.

Things are a little rough for a couple of us right now. But not once did the self-absorbed ones ask about us.

It all became clear. They have become just good-time friends. The kind who will usually join you for a beer, but can't be counted on for real conversation.

At least I'm learning.

photo Friday #15

Snowy Days

Colorado
(January, 2009)

If you would not be forgotten,
as soon as you are dead and rotten,
either write things worth reading,
or do things worth the writing.

Benjamin Franklin

what I did on my "vacation"

Yes, for those of you who stopped by since I fell off the planet, I'm still here. Alive. Good. All that.

Just busy. With work and other work. Friends and family. And of course there was a trip ot two.

Besides all that, my issues are still inconsequential compared to others. I've been the sounding board. To many. Some friends who were at one time too busy to talk to me about the craziness they now find themselves in.

But I'm here. Always. With real friends, that's just the way it is.

I would never question one on why she didn't talk to me about it while she was in the midst of it, only when it was over. That's just her way. And I know that. She has other things she's dealing with also. And when she needs a shoulder or ear, she knows she has mine. Always.

And although I want to shake another friend and ask what the heck he thinks he's doing. I'm trying not to get too involved. It's not my place.

Maybe a drama-magnet friend was right, maybe there has been too much drama lately.