brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Friday, August 31, 2007


As I usually do, I've made tons of plans for my birthday weekend. They start today in less than two hours. And it's looking like I'm going to miss some of them.

I talked my sister, sisters-in-law and mom into taking a Friday off to head to the spa. I scheduled a hot stone massage and pedicure, then lunch with the girls. And as they head back to their lives, I was to join friends for a pre-birthday happy hour.

Then for the actual birthday, a friend is flying in a day early before his training here. He's joining in the birthday celebration with family and friends to (hopefully) cheer on the black and gold to victory, have a relaxing dinner, then let Mr. King, Ms. James, and Mr. Green serenade us from the 2nd row.

Sunday is the annual it's-all-about-me bbq I throw every Labor Day weekend to celebrate turning old(er) with friends. This year was to be extra fantastic, as my friend who's moving here has a birthday next week, so it will be a joint celebration.

Monday is full of more family time and perhaps a show with a cute boy.

The missing is not for work, for once. Unfortunately Wednesday night I came down with the most horrific stomach bug. I had to skip work yesterday, there was no other option. At one point last night I almost thought I had no other option than to try and drive myself to the ER.

And now there's some marginal improvement, but I'm thinking at least today's pre-birthday events might have to be missed. I'm hoping I miraculously feel all better in an hour, when my sister will be here to pick me up. But it's not looking good so far.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007


This dating on the interweb thing is strange. The few exchanges before you meet someone can make it seem like you know much more about them then you do. Because, really, you know nothing.

Nothing except what they've chosen to reveal to you. And that could be either very little, or a complete lie.

Yes, this may be no different than meeting someone the "old-fashioned" way. After all, two I dated after meeting without the aid of the interweb ended up being 1) not yet really divorced and b) living in his parents' basement.

No, I really didn't know either was the case for a few months. Yes, I need to ask more questions.

Anyway, back to what I was saying... what was I saying?

Oh, so, after my date the other night, I thought there was potential. But with a missed text and a missed joke, the whole thing has apparently fallen apart.

It's just too easy in this pick-a-new-date interweb world to say, next. Before giving something a chance.

And we all know I'm a give-a-chance kinda girl. Perhaps to a fault.

I just get frustrated. I know I'm fabulous. And I know someday I'll find someone fabulous who agrees with me. I'm just getting a little impatient.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

not invisible

How is it that I'm always there. For them. With them. But I'm never noticed.

Just me. Just a friend. Just a pal. Just the girl they see on their way to work. Or at work. Or after work.

The one they invite places, often. But never one-on-one.

I'm not that plain-jane. At least I don't think I am. Some tell me I'm beautiful. But they don't mean for them. I never stand out. Not to the ones I care about.

I'm the nice one. The dependable one.

They always confide in me. About the one they do love. The one that makes their heart skip a beat. The one that is never me.

They lean on me to boost their egos when they need it. To drive them home when they cannot. To pick up the shattered pieces when another "she" has destroyed them.

Even the ones that do notice me. Eventually stop noticing. Even with them I become just the friend. The one to count on, but not to want to be with.

I'm tired of my definition. Tired of being the pal. Yet scared to lose my pals.

If the best relationships are based on amazing friendships, then why can't I get there. The amazing friendship thing I know. I do well. But those never want the relationship. Not with me.

They tell me the tales of the girls they do want. The ones that are not nice to them. At all.

I've tried to be that girl. I can't. It's not me. Even though sometimes I wish I could. I sometimes wonder if I could become visible if only I could.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

no anchor

I walked up to her door to pick S up. She was on the phone for work so I sat down and looked around her living room, a living room I knew almost as well as my own. For the past several years we had traded living rooms. Not really traded, just hung out in both.

I love hers. Cheerful, girly, well decorated. It always seemed so much more grown-up than mine. Hers with a painting her sister had done prominently displayed over the fireplace. Mine with my own photography printed as large as I could on my home printer. Hers with a nice new flat-panel tv, mine with a decade old behemoth. Hers with complementary furniture, mine with my sister's chair that matches nothing else in my entire house.

We'd spent countless nights laughing on each other's hardwood floors and couches. Yoga poses gone awry were sometimes the cause, but usually it was simply the little pieces of life that brought out the giggling.

Tonight we walked a few blocks to dinner. Catching up, as she'd been out of town a bit this summer, and when she happened to be here, those were the few times I was not.

I learned she had sold her house. I knew this was coming, but part of me hoped it would stay on the market much longer. I knew I should be happy she got her asking price so quickly. Happy for her and happy for me. It bodes well for the value in mine.

For now she's not moving that far away. But far enough. Far enough that it will mean the end of walking to dinner together. The end of swapping living rooms for yoga, of walking to the bars for a drink. The end of walking TheDog around the park.

And I know that now she really has nothing keeping her here at all. She could decide to pick up tomorrow and move miles or states away.

Her new job is portable. Without her house, she has no anchor here. I envy that, sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could pick up and leave, yet have the security of a job to take with me. But then I know I would miss my friends, my family, the mountains.

So, for now I will enjoy whatever time S and I can find to get together, with our busy lives. And I will secretly hope that those things that keep me here, will keep her here as well.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

don't dream it's over

I tried to harrass various friends into going. Offered a free ticket to Sam (knowing he's usually up for a good show) and others. No one could make it. As I stood outside, trying to sell my extra ticket, my friends were inside, hanging out with one's uncle.

Finally I gave up, and headed inside to find my friends. They were inside watching my friend's cousin play. The last time I'd seen him he was still a teenager, playing with his dad and uncle at my friends' wedding. He's now in his mid-twenties, and grown into his musical talent quite nicely.

My friends went backstage again after Liam played and I headed out to the smoking patio to try and sell the ticket, since there was no re-entry. I had no luck, again. his time people thought I was trying to sell the ticket I'd already gotten scanned.

Eventually, a guy outside the fence, selling his own extra ticket, came over to chat with me. We talked for a bit about how untrusting people are. How they'd prefer to pay full day-of-show prices whether than trust someone outside willing to sell the ticket for less than they payed.

After a while, I decided I wanted to go check out Fountains of Wayne, as it was their first-ever Colorado show. I handed him my ticket in case he might have better luck selling a pair. He said he'd give me whatever cash he got for it if he saw me inside.

I'd already written it off completely.

I was standing inside with other friends waiting for the headliner to take the stage when he walked by. He stopped and I asked if he sold the tickets, mostly just curious if he had any luck. He said he did, but only got half the price of the tickets.

He reached into his pocket and handed me my half. I was surprised. I suppose I was just as untrusting as the people who wouldn't buy my ticket outside.

When my friends came back from backstage, we went up to the "reserved" seats beside the stage. It was cool to see a show from there. Even better was watching one of the nicest guys I've met and his son together onstage playing some of my all-time favorite songs.

An incredible show, with incredible friends, and an exchange with a random stranger that helped further restore my trust in people.

random luck

I just got an e-mail stating that there was a problem with the show I plan to go to as a birthday present to myself. On my birthday.

I hadn't even read the entire thing before I admittedly started to get a little angry.

As I continued reading, it said they had to re-assign seats but ensured tickets were comparable. I was now only worried that they had moved my 5th row, nearly center Red Rocks tickets off to the side.

When the second e-mail arrived showing the ticket location, I realized they moved me to the 2nd row, perhaps a little more dead center.

Although I doubt anything could beat the first time I saw him live, next weekend's present to myself may come close!

Monday, August 20, 2007

rumor has it

Despite the rumors, I have not been kidnapped, abducted by aliens, or fallen off a mountain. I did fall in a creek saving TheDog, but that's another story.

I am simply beyond swamped. And not still from the creek water.

I have pictures and stories to share, life has just been too busy in both good and not-so-great ways. As soon as things calm down, you may long for the days of my silence.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


Saturday, I slept in until the glorious hour of half past nine, then made some coffee, grabbed my book and sat on the deck with TheDog reading. Presumably waiting for my friends to arrive so that we could go on a hike.

When it got closer to noon, and still no sign of my friends or any rings of the phone, I grabbed the leash and TheDog, who had become extremely impatient at that point as she's used to being back from our Saturday excursions by nine. We went for a short urban hike (otherwise known as a walk).

M showed up about a half hour before I had planned to meet my sister-in-law (who shall hereafter be referred to as SIL1, being as she married my oldest brother, and I'm too lazy to type it out every time I refer to her) and a friend of hers for margaritas on a sunny patio. M said she was up for margarita drinking, then proceeded to fall asleep on the couch.

When I later woke her to see if she was in, she said she'd stay there and nap, and I could go on ahead. So, I did.

J apparently had called as SIL1 and her friend were conspiring to find me a man, and as I was busy ignoring them and spilling my margarita on my cell.

My cell has seen better days, but I finally found a way to get to her number and call her back. She was at my parents' place, and she and M were coming down to meet us.

After sitting for quite some time, drinking margaritas, being joined by various people, J and M, my brother and nieces, J, M and I decided we needed dinner.

We left to go back and change then headed out to a fantastic small-plate-great-wine-selection restaurant that likes to pretend they're pretentious, but can't quite pull it off as they're not in Vail or Aspen.

I was ready to go out and meet new people. New people being guys, of course, as I wanted to help SIL1 out with her mission. But despite the fact that all three of us are single, J and M decided they weren't up for going out.

We went "home" and M suggested it was a bit pathetic that I was going to bed early. I suppose in her eyes I'm boring because, although I was the up for staying out, I would rather go to bed than watch the food network.

With the pills the doc gave me last week, I knew I needed a good night's sleep before hiking anywhere the next day. Although I'm usually not one to let remarks such as hers bother me much, sometimes hers do. I'm sure it goes back to the fact I met her when I was an insecure teenager.

I suppose she must think I'm somewhat fun, being as she's hung out with me for over two decades. Funny how some people's comments can bother you, when other's just roll right off.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

whose mission?

I got a slow start Friday after my late night shenanigans the night before. TheDog and I packed up everything, stopped for coffee and headed up the hill.

When I got to my parents mountain get-away, which had recently become all theirs, I couldn't find the sheets my sister insisted were there. Plus I needed a few other odds and ends, so after dropping off TheDog, I headed to the nearest* Target.

On my way back, my sister-in-law called to see if I wanted to join them for dinner. I had tentative plans with another friend, but he hadn't called yet. I told her I'd let her know and left my friend a message.

I unpacked my Target treasures, and threw my new sheets in the wash. As I folded the towels left in the dryer and put them away, I found my sister's sheets. I considered whether Target would take back half-washed sheets for half of a second before I realized I'd rather have my own sheets to leave in the closet. '

My sister-in-law called back to check with me as they were headed to my favorite pizza spot. Still not having heard from my friend, I told her I'd swing by to walk over with them.

My friend called as I was leaving, I disappointed him with my change of plans, but he got to skip the extra hour drive time and head straight home. Besides, I was looking forward to some quality time with my sister-in-law and nieces.

Laughing with my nieces over fantastic pizza, my sister-in-law announced she has a new mission. I inquired as to what that might be, and immediately regretted it. Her new mission is to find me a good man.

Because, you know, apparently I can't do that for myself.

* Nearest being a rather relative term.

Monday, August 13, 2007

moving right along

On the eve of my long weekend, I finally got back to our summer tradition.

Sitting under the stars watching a frog and a pig in their never-ending dance, I smiled. The song at the beginning of the movie was the reason I had the friends I was sitting with.

That story is long. The short of it is I sang it with my college roommate, and doing so endeared us to several others, who became the basis of one my college circle of friends.

Anyway, back to the movie under the stars. I was a bit tipsy from our wine with dinner, and encouraged a certain some one's flirty text messaging. Despite the dirty looks of those around me when the blue-ish light illuminated the surrounding area, I continued.

It had been over a year since we'd last hung out. We were both in the mood for a late night conversation flirtation. So, I stopped by his place on my way home.

We spent hours talking and catching up. Only when he tried to tickle me did the friendly banter become more than friendly.

It's true what they say, the best way to get over someone is to...


kiss someone else.

I think I was mostly over him anyway, but my after-muppet activities solidified the fact that I should have ended the situation much earlier than he did.

Although there are many reasons why 24 and I are not meant to be, there are many reasons why we get along so well. We get each other. Conversation is easy. Kisses are incredible.

Recently, the time spent I've spent with guys, both friends and fwb, has helped me to see that I need to listen to my gut before getting too involved in another relationship.

I know there are reasons why I shouldn't be with some guys, I just need to evaluate that better at the beginning, when I meet someone new. So I don't end up a year from now exactly where I am now.

But just like that easy-going green frog, I do believe that someday I'll find it.

Sunday, August 12, 2007


I'm exhausted. Got home not too long ago. And tales of my weekend adventures will eventually show up here. Really.

In the meantime, I would like to introduce you to a good friend of mine.

Everyone, meet Sam.

Sam... everyone.

That is all.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

need to get out

I've been busy this week. Partly because of my sister needing a little company after her surgery last week, but mostly because I'm trying to fit a week's worth of work into four days so I can head up the hill for the weekend early.

Depending on how today's meeting goes, I may be on my way out of town in the morning. Three blissful days of fresh mountain air, hanging out with the dog, and perhaps a few friends, if they make it up.

Work today can't end soon enough!

Wednesday, August 08, 2007


It's been three years, three months and three days. That's a little odd.

Anyway, things haven't changed significantly, and that really bothers me.

I decided a few months ago to do something about it, but kept having to delay my visits, because of work demands.

Yesterday, I went to see her. She said she figured things were still not great. Was not thrilled to hear I'd been sitting at my desk too much, sleeping too little, and generally not playing as much as I would like.

The sleeping and playing are related to the working too much, but also to the reason I was there.

My lower back and hip have been getting more painful recently. They never got much better after the accident. And now it seems that things are on a quick downhill slide.

She has a new theory. That I have nerve damage. And that is referring pain to the hip and back. I have no idea if that can even happen, but she's the doc, and I'll try just about anything at this point.

She prescribed something that should help. She warned me it would make me sleepy.

I took it when I got home. An hour later I felt drunk. I climbed into bed and the next thing I knew my alarm clock was screaming at me, and I had to look around to figure out where I was.

A little sleepy? Try a zombie.

When I tried to get out of bed my legs wouldn't work. I had to sit back on the bed.

I tried again and groggily got up, showered, and headed to work. I was hoping to get some things finished early this morning, but I can't concentrate.

I hope this fog lifts soon. Or there's no way I can keep taking this stuff. Not that I'm sure it's helped the original problem at all. My back and hip hurt a lot right now.

But I guess I have to take it for a while to see any improvement. The question is, can I last a while?

Sunday, August 05, 2007

what have they got? a lot of sand

After my note last week, I'd decided I was going to reclaim my weekends. I wasn't going to work all weekend, I was going to hang out with friends.

I had entertaining and interesting plans for all three nights and both days.

Everything fell apart. But at least I didn't end up in an ER.

Friday night I fell asleep on my couch early, missing my friend's call when she was ready to go out. But at least I caught up on some of that elusive sleep.

Saturday's cooking class got cancelled, so we just grabbed a low-key lunch instead.

Saturday night's plans fell apart, so I made other plans. Those fell apart as well. And I spent my evening drinking wine and watching The Illusionist, which was very good, if you're looking for a Netflix or On Demand recommendation.

Today's plans got changed to grabbing coffee with a friend instead of going for a ride. After the home-improving I'd done Saturday and this morning, I think my back and hip were thankful for that change of plans.

Tonight's plans nearly fell through, but my mom and I decided we could go again with my sister, who wasn't feeling well, and we kept our tickets.

It was fantastic.

Fish and crabs. And merfolk.

We went to the pre-Broadway engagement of The Little Mermaid. And technical difficulties aside, it was incredible.

And as fairy tales tend to do, the remind me that they are just that, a fairy tale. This one in particular also reminds me that different isn't always better.

Although some things may need to change, for the most part I love my life, just the way it is. Craziness, canceled plans and all. And perhaps a hot crustacean band instead of a lot of sand.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

have a little faith

The most amazing part of life is who you share it with. Tonight I was literally surrounded by amazing friends. One friend I've known since junior high, one I've known since college, and one I've known since before she was born.

The last two are my sister's best friends. And have become mine. They are both like family to me.

It hit me as I was sipping Insatiable out of a red party cup, eating decadent treats and drinking good wine surrounded by lifelong friends, this has to be about the best time a person can have.

The notes emanating from John's guitar and piano, only enhanced my drunken feeling.

As much of a lightweight as I may be, it wasn't the wine, but the company that made me loopy. There weren't even any stars, just raindrops, but it didn't make a dent in the evening.

Looking out over the crowd I realized it was over. I now longer felt an ounce of blue. I fell in love again. As cliche as it may be, the object of my affection, was myself.

I realized how much I'd lost over the past few months. My happiness, my positive attitude. Much of the self-doubt solidified by The(ex)Boy's parting words.

I'd been trying to fight it, but it had been a losing battle.

Tonight something changed. I'm not entirely sure what exactly that was, but I again have a little faith in me.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

easy does it

It's that time of year again. The time of year when the great pleasures in life, the simple tasks in life, and life in general throw me curve balls.

My hope for the next few days is to go nowhere near any ER. Being that's where I've been the first week of August for the last four years.

Nose/neck/head, ankle, hand, ankle. 1st, 1st, 6th, 5th.

Yes, really.

I'm trying not to jinx myself, but I'm trying to be careful, too.

I pushed my solo weekend in the mountains back a week. I have no dangerous activities planned for the next few days. And I was extremely careful stepping into the tub this morning.

Hopefully my string of ER visits ends this year.

Update: Day 1 - So far, so good. Besides the guy in the lane next to me thinking our cars would look better as one mound of melded metal, which I avoided, no hints at any injuries.