brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Monday, November 07, 2005

denial

a friend's writing brought back some memories today. and as incredibly well written as it was and as much as I'd like you all to read it, I'm not sure I'm ready to share what I'm in denial about just yet, so I can't share it, either.

of course there are several things I'm in denial about. that I'm getting older. that my accident may have permanently changed my ability to do some things. and that certain memories from my past actually happened to me.

these things sneak into my subconscious from time to time. every once in a while I realize that a 33-year-old woman maybe should not be hanging out with 25-ish year olds, drinking and being a band groupie. but then again, I feel 25, so why not? (see, denial.)

and on occasion the pain from the accident is so severe that I end up on the floor of my office, or in the bathroom at a football game, hiding from friends or family, desperately trying to stretch out the offending muscles or get the joint back into alignment. but after the pain passes I go back to working too much or jumping up and down cheering. and, of course, got my season ski pass. (again, denial.)

as for the memories that I would rather not have. there are a few. but one in particular. from a decade or so ago. as much as I like to forget that it happened, it shaped who I am today and how I interact with people in a profound way.

friends think I'm open, honest. and I usually am. but sometimes when they use these terms to describe me, I cringe. I wonder what they would think if they knew the truth. I can't tell them. if I tell someone, if I talk about it, then it really happened. then the game of denial is over.

as I read the words my friend wrote, memories came flooding back. but I'm not sure I'm ready to face them again. and that's what I'd have to do if I told someone. as much as I know it wasn't my fault. part of me can't completely forgive myself. I know my friends would say it wasn't my fault, but it's what they might possibly think that keeps me silent.

maybe someday I'll be brave enough to talk to a trusted friend about it. although I think that last bit might just be more denial. but I am working on it.

7 comments:

Rebecca said...

We all have secrets...we're only human, and all make mistakes. If others can forgive you, then you have to forgive yourself. Sometimes, just saying things aloud is all that it takes to alleviate the burden.

I'm sorry you're uncomfortable at times. I hadn't realized you'd been injured in an accident - I hope you feel better.

Kerri said...

It sounds like you have already started talking about it... Hopefully, it will start to make you feel more comfortable and ready to talk more :o)

28goingon40 said...

I agree with Rebecca, talking about things with someone you trust is key in this life. What else are friends for? Why else do we have the ability to communicate if not to share our thoughts and ask for help and understanding. I hope your memories are not too upsetting and that you continue to have the strength to face them!

Jeremy said...

Who ever said denial was a bad thing?
I am maybe saying this partly because I found my first grey hair last night (*&%&*@!)... and partly because I have been denying my own past for quite some time... but I don't care what the psycho analysts say... I don't care what some guy that sits in an office in the city all day long and has absolutely nothing in common with me or my experiences says about how I choose to handle things.

If coming to terms with your secret will improve things... then by all means, I hope you find someone you can share with to help lighten the load... but if it is only going to make things worse... I wish you many happy days of skiing in the mountains and kayaking on that certain river in Egypt…

Underachiever said...

"Forgiving turns off the videotape of pained memory. Forgiving sets you free."---

Lewis B. Smedes


You must forgive your self my friend. Whether it was your fault or not.

Love,

Undr

PS your writing always moves me Rambilina. There is no denying that.

Callie said...

I think the mind is powerful that way. You deny something for so long that eventually you actually begin to forget... until something provokes old images or fears from times past.

You need to forgive yourself, and accept your actions. You are only human, we all are. Talk to someone, you will be amazed at how weighty your burden has actually become when it is lifted from your shoulders.

Jen said...

I have some of those thoughts too. The ones that I tr to push to the back of my mind, but every so oftern they emerge. Maybe someday I won't want to supress them and maybe you won't want to supress yours either?