forgiveness

yes, I know. life's not fair. I've heard it, I've said it. but what about karma? what about people getting what they deserve? I always thought there was some truth to that.

last night, though, when I awoke from a nightmare, I started thinking that maybe karma doesn't work, at least on any scale I can see, that good people get bad breaks and bad people get good ones.

I don't know what caused such a vivid dream. I don't typically remember them. maybe it was all the memories revisited yesterday*, maybe it was watching Medium before falling asleep, or maybe the spicy dinner.

regardless, in my dream I was back in my college town. we were at the bar. the one with the couches. my friends were all there. even the ones I didn't know in college. dreams don't care about time lines.

he was there. he was married. he had kids. he and two of his friends laughed at me. they laughed because I was still single, because I was alone.

I tried to be strong. to pretend it didn't hurt. to get out of there. but I couldn't. my friends wouldn't let me leave alone and upset. they were there for me, as they always were. as they always are. but, I wondered, where were they that night? my incredible friends. the ones that would do anything for me.

I was naive, then. I believed in the good of mankind. I never even imagined I could get hurt. I was young, I was invincible. I was wrong.

I lost my faith that night. my faith in guys. in trust. in my ability to assess people's character.

I've gotten most of it back. it wasn't an easy path. I've since realized that night wreaked havoc on my relationships for years to come. on how I never completely trusted people.

but that's changed. I once again believe most people are good. I have learned to trust again, well mostly. I know no matter what you do, no matter how good you are, no matter how much you fight, bad things can happen.

I didn't deserve it. it wasn't my fault. I'm sure some people would say I shouldn't have put myself in the situation that I did. that may be true. but that is no excuse.

I now realize my friends would have been there to help me. not that night, they couldn't have. but afterward. to help me deal with it. if I could have just had the courage to talk to them about it. I wish I had. I wish my ability to trust hadn't been so shattered. I wish I could have believed in someone.

it's funny how denial eventually leads to the truth... one way or another. and how truth helps forgiveness. of others. of oneself. I forgave him a long time ago. I can't hold a grudge, well except against myself.

I'm still working on forgiving myself. it will come. and, by the way, if you're keeping track, that's hope, not denial.

* thanks, Kurt, and you know I mean that very sincerely!