brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

jinxed

we were sipping tasty beverages in the parking lot outside of red rocks before the concert*, when my friend B walks by, he and his wife join us and we're talking about how strange it is sometimes to see random people. how it's almost always good when you accidently bump into someone you know.

then I said something about the few times that it's not good, it's usually an ex or a friend of an ex.

**jinx**

the concert was absolutely amazing. my sister went with us. she and I ended up in the fifth row, dancing with random people and getting served tasty beverages in the VIP section. we had so much fun together. I miss having her hang out with just me. she sometimes isn't as fun as she used to be when her husband is around. but I digress.

as we're walking down the stairs near the bathroom to meet up with my friends after the show, I see him. I tell my sis that NowEx is standing there. she said to switch to the far side of the stairs. I said no, I'm going to walk up and say hello.

despite her look of disbelief, we did.

and it was all very weird. and it seemed he talked to my sister about something or other for a short while. but the only words he spoke to me were something along the lines of how are you doing?

and he asked that more than once.

perhaps my answer of great the first time he asked wasn't adequate?

after a minute I realized I was shaking. really shaking, standing there trying to hold a civil conversation with a guy I thought might be The One a few short months ago. and I realized I couldn't speak. if I did I wouldn't be able to keep it together.

the many things I had wanted to tell him and ask him raced through my mind. the insecure thoughts his fading had uncovered. the questions I thought I didn't care about anymore. why did he just fade away? was he okay? did I ever mean anything to him? did I do something wrong? what happened?

I really wanted to ask him that last one, what happened?

I know I deserve to know that answer. but, I knew tonight, while he was waiting outside the ladies room, likely for his date, was not the time. and I knew if I said much of anything to him, my tears were not going to stay hidden.

as my sis and I walked away from him, they came pouring out. I felt the complete fool all over again. the hole in my heart torn wide open again. how can one person have such an effect?

I so wish I'd had the courage to say what I need to say and ask what I need to ask tonight. but I'm not courageus enough.

I wish my sister, who is definitely the more outspoken one, had said some of the things she had wanted to say to him on my behalf. but she was still in disbelief that I wanted to talk to him at all, so it didn't occur to her. I don't think either of us will get the chance again.

after the tears subsided and my friends and sis all insisted what I already know... that I'm better off without him, my friends dropped me at home.

so here I sit, still tearing occasionally thinking about things I don't want to think about. thinking of how differently I wish this little encounter had turned out. I'm upset with myself that I'm still upset with him.

I'm upset with myself for falsely believing that I was over him. I guess my first clue should have been that during the concert tonight I was really reminded of him. the last time I was there, it was with him. the last time I saw the band, it was with him. their last show was supposed to be his Christmas present from me. but he faded away before that, with not so much as a goodbye.

I hate that he robbed me of saying goodbye to him (us) when he faded away.

how do I say goodbye to him (us), without really having to?

* I'll tell you about the concert later. just needed to vent about the encounter right now.

14 comments:

Rebecca said...

For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing by saying hello to him and by not going into the personal stuff. You deserve to know what happened but if he's too much of a coward to tell you, well, that should tell you that he's not worth your time. You're awesome RG and your Mr. Right is out there so keep your chin up and move forward!

They Call Me Lizzurd said...

Closure is hard to come by anyway, and it's only worse when the other person won't help you out at all. I had a relationship end in a similar manner and, even though it was years ago, I still get angry when I see that person. It's not that I'm not over her and moved on; it's that I'm still upset that I didn't deserve any human decency when she decided she was through.

I feel for you on this one.

Jen said...

That is really rough. I can't believe anyone could be such a coward as to just disappear without giving you any explanation. How horrible and inhuman. I really feel for you. I really don't know how you would say goodbye to the relationship except to do so in your own mind. You could write him a letter, but he doesn't deserve that courtesy. Just hug your dog and try not to let it get you down.

Jen said...

Hey, I tried to e-mail you but I keep getting failure notices. Drop me an e-mail at flying_jenny(at)msn.com if you get a chance.

GlitterGlamGirl05 said...

Do you need a tissue? Men - they take a normally composed women and can always find a way to reduce us to tears! I call this the Samantha (from Sex and the City) effect. Did you ever see that episode?

kt said...

ugh. i HATE not having closure.. because i just stew about it and end up googling his name every day to see if i can get a glimpse into his life. i still do it to the one guy who dumped me FIVE years ago, even though i'm currently in the best relationship of my life. *hug*

ps - was it the big head todd show? cause i was there too =)

ramblin' girl said...

Thanks, everyone! I'm doing fine, it just was really rough that night. But I really do know I'm much better off, closure or not.

GGG- No, I didn't see that episode?!

kt- Yep, it was BHTM... wasn't that a great show, Hazel was amazing, as always! I love them, my brother knew them in college, so I've been a fan ever since. It will show up in a post one of these days, when I'm not buried in work.

GlitterGlamGirl05 said...

RG - it's an espisode in Season 5 with all the girls in Atlantic City for Charlotte’s birthday. Well to make a long story short Samantha was there with her “boyfriend” (and I use that term loosely) Richard. While they were there Richard kept pulling fast ones on Samantha and we happened to see a side to Samantha we’ve never seen before her insecure, feminine side. In this episode we saw Samantha doing things she would never be caught dead doing – chasing him down, begging for more changes, etc. I was thinking to myself as I watched it. Why do we let men do that to us? Is it our natural insecurity? Is it based on personality? Is it just men pushing our buttons?

So true! They make us do things we normally never do sane.

Aarwenn said...

RG and GGG--love this trend of acronym names! I'm calling Kristy SW, for SheWalks, for now on, and Crazy Aunt Purl will be CAP. Which is cute in and of itself.

Moving on--RG, that's the worst thing ever, the lack of closure. It happens to me too, with friendships gone sour and fights and occasionally boys, and it makes my soul shrivel up every time I think about those people!

Too bad worrying about the lack of closure is awful for your karma--it's almost impossible to avoid!

GlitterGlamGirl05 said...

Aarwenn - what can we call you?

Tanya Kristine said...

Oh God. i remember that feeling and that last time i had that was over eleven years ago. Your knees shake, your heart palpitates: awful. just awful. So sorry you're in that now. but i can tell you, it does pass. it might take longer than you wish but it does pass....

Aarwenn said...

Shoot. AW? It looks like A&W, and although I like root beer okay, I don't really drink enough soda under any circumstances to be associated in any way with a soda product. But I sort of like AW. It's growing on me.

ramblin' girl said...

thanks, you guys make me laugh! and after this weekend and work today, I needed that!

Shananigans said...

The last time I had a run in like that was about four years ago. I ran into the ex on the street, someone that had blinded me so completely when I was with him, that when I look back I don’t even know who that girl was, and the boy she thought she was in love with didn’t even exist. He destroyed my life (to be fair, I’m the one who let him) and it took him going to jail to end the relationship. I even went to visit him in jail a few times, then hit rock bottom in every way possible and finally had to drop out of school for the semester and go live with my parents to put my life back together. Insane, I know. When I saw him there and he started getting on my case about abandoning him when he was locked up, I lost it. I tried to tell him how much he screwed me over, but he just didn’t see it. He’s completely emotionally handicapped, and I wonder now if not mentally too. The stupid, stupid things boys can make girls do. I ran home in tears to call my boyfriend at a completely inappropriate hour (he was two time zones away at the time). I’m still with him today, and I’m so grateful to know what a real relationship with wonderful person is like :) Hang in there, you will find the right one for you, and until then you've got your friends.