jinxed

we were sipping tasty beverages in the parking lot outside of red rocks before the concert*, when my friend B walks by, he and his wife join us and we're talking about how strange it is sometimes to see random people. how it's almost always good when you accidently bump into someone you know.

then I said something about the few times that it's not good, it's usually an ex or a friend of an ex.

**jinx**

the concert was absolutely amazing. my sister went with us. she and I ended up in the fifth row, dancing with random people and getting served tasty beverages in the VIP section. we had so much fun together. I miss having her hang out with just me. she sometimes isn't as fun as she used to be when her husband is around. but I digress.

as we're walking down the stairs near the bathroom to meet up with my friends after the show, I see him. I tell my sis that NowEx is standing there. she said to switch to the far side of the stairs. I said no, I'm going to walk up and say hello.

despite her look of disbelief, we did.

and it was all very weird. and it seemed he talked to my sister about something or other for a short while. but the only words he spoke to me were something along the lines of how are you doing?

and he asked that more than once.

perhaps my answer of great the first time he asked wasn't adequate?

after a minute I realized I was shaking. really shaking, standing there trying to hold a civil conversation with a guy I thought might be The One a few short months ago. and I realized I couldn't speak. if I did I wouldn't be able to keep it together.

the many things I had wanted to tell him and ask him raced through my mind. the insecure thoughts his fading had uncovered. the questions I thought I didn't care about anymore. why did he just fade away? was he okay? did I ever mean anything to him? did I do something wrong? what happened?

I really wanted to ask him that last one, what happened?

I know I deserve to know that answer. but, I knew tonight, while he was waiting outside the ladies room, likely for his date, was not the time. and I knew if I said much of anything to him, my tears were not going to stay hidden.

as my sis and I walked away from him, they came pouring out. I felt the complete fool all over again. the hole in my heart torn wide open again. how can one person have such an effect?

I so wish I'd had the courage to say what I need to say and ask what I need to ask tonight. but I'm not courageus enough.

I wish my sister, who is definitely the more outspoken one, had said some of the things she had wanted to say to him on my behalf. but she was still in disbelief that I wanted to talk to him at all, so it didn't occur to her. I don't think either of us will get the chance again.

after the tears subsided and my friends and sis all insisted what I already know... that I'm better off without him, my friends dropped me at home.

so here I sit, still tearing occasionally thinking about things I don't want to think about. thinking of how differently I wish this little encounter had turned out. I'm upset with myself that I'm still upset with him.

I'm upset with myself for falsely believing that I was over him. I guess my first clue should have been that during the concert tonight I was really reminded of him. the last time I was there, it was with him. the last time I saw the band, it was with him. their last show was supposed to be his Christmas present from me. but he faded away before that, with not so much as a goodbye.

I hate that he robbed me of saying goodbye to him (us) when he faded away.

how do I say goodbye to him (us), without really having to?

* I'll tell you about the concert later. just needed to vent about the encounter right now.