brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Monday, June 27, 2005

everyone's doing it

my sister thinks I should. my friends think I should. my mother even suggested that maybe I should, as long as I'm safe about it.

I'm not sure I'm ready. I'm shy when it comes to guys I like. and I'm a bit scared. I'm a private person (yes, really, even though I write my thoughts online for anyone to discover).

my girls' night out friends not-so-gently insisted the other night that I do it, just like they have every month when we get together. ever since NowEx exited stage left.

I have my reasons why I won't. the last time I started to, I had to stop immediately. things got weird. the guy was a bit of a stalker.

but will it really be like that last time? all guys are not the same. there may be someone out there that would make it worth it. my friend J found the One by doing it.

but what of the guys I know that do it. NowEx, good friend, stalker, old friend. yes, I checked around. my other friend J had some fun with it this year, and she convinced me to look into it a little. I did, and that's who I found. scary.

if people like that are doing it, what makes me think there's anyone I'd be interested in doing it?

and even if there were, how do I portray who I am and what I want through it? what would I say?

incredibly intelligent, beautiful, compassionate, obviously quite modest woman who loves traveling, live music, sports (really) and the outdoors, who views life with a great sense of humor. looking for guy with many of the same qualities listed above. a guy who isn't afraid of those qualities in a woman, will not feel inadequate or tell her he thinks it's great she's independent then dump her because she doesn't truly need you, but definitely wants you.
not sure that would go over very well.

and I don't know that I'm ready to truly dive into the world of online dating. I barely have time for my dog, friends and family, can't imagine trying to take the time to answer all 3 e-mails I would receive when I post that.

I do want to meet new guys, the ones I've met lately have not exactly been keepers. but is online the way I want to do it? am I ready to? is it even a good idea? are there guys online looking for someone like me? are they the kind I'm looking for?

and then, what of the romantic story of how we met?


Julie said...

The romantic story about how you met? LIE! Make it up, and make sure the story is consistent. It's how I met the new interesting boy. Oh sure, it's VERY new, and it may crash and burn, but it HAS restored my faith in humanity. For a little while.

Jen said...

Lots of people don't have a romantic story of how they met. Meeting online could be kind of romantic, depending on the circumstances. Give it a shot if you want, it couldn't hurt.

It is too bad that some of the guys that comment here on your blog don't live nearer, as a lot of them seem to think you're pretty cool.

Jerk of All Trades said...

What you need is to hang out with your buddy J(erk) and have him pimp you big time.
I'd get you a man baby!

Rebecca said...

I understand your hesitation to try online dating. I've been tossing the idea around too but something keeps stopping me. Anyway, if you do it... definately portray yourself honestly (you are wonderful and if a guy can't handle that then you don't want to be with him anyway, right?). As for the romantic how they met story... meeting online may not be romantic but meeting in person afterwards could be. You never know! Good luck if you decide to do it and keep us posted, you know we're all rooting for you!

ramblin' girl said...

I think alot of them are married too, besides, not sure I want some guy knowing most of my thoughts before I've even met him.

How sweet, you'd pimp me out! some of my other single friends, too? with imaginary internet friends like you who needs to join some online service?

Jerk of All Trades said...

No, in the REAL world that everybody is talking about. I live here too you know. (Denver) We hang out, you point out a guy and I help you hook up with him. That or we find out if he's gay or not. Well, if he digs me he's gay AND has bad taste.

28goingon40 said...

Who cares about the romantic story...tons of people I know are trying online dating, including myself and I think just like regular dating you have to take your time and expect bad ones. I decided to do it, because I don't meet new people often and I decided to be proactive with my own personal life. Your ad should be honest, so yes what you wrote could be perfect. It's funny and true and that's all it takes. I've done it several times in my life and tried all different methods, so ask me anything. It's entertaining and you'll have GREAT stories if nothing else...but I'm still holding out hope that there is a guy in cyber space for me.

ramblin' girl said...

I know you live here. And I really do appreciate you offering to be my wingman. just not entirely sure I want to meet guys in the typical places where I would need a wingman. but will definitely consider your offer.

Jerk of All Trades said...

So, no ESPN Zone or Cheesecake Factory then?

Rainypete said...

You'll find the right person however life decides to throw him at you. If you wait for the fairy tale meeting you'll never end up witha real man. Life isn't glamorous, but it can be lots of fun.

You need to be looking for a who and not a how.

Aarwenn said...

This may be my most favorest line recently:

Life isn't glamorous, but it can be lots of fun.

Amen, brother! And RG, what the hell is taking you so long? You're clearly an Net Girl! You post all your thoughts! And email us! Why not use those fantastic skills in a way that would help your love life, too? Don't be a reactionary Snow White (some day, my prince will come). I read this great feminist comment once: "We should fight back against years of degrading conditioning with electroshock therapy. Every time a girl hears that song, we should shock her and say, "Nobody's coming...NOBODY'S COMING!"

Shananigans said...

Hmmm, online dating. I met my first serious boyfriend in an online chat room. He ended up not being so good for me, but I was 18 and dumb and made that relationship drag on waaaay longer than it should have. So as long as you have the perspective to throw the defective ones back before they can do any damage, I don't see how it could hurt. At least you'd be meeting some new people.

Valerie said...

But ESPN Zone is sooo fun. Especially the horse races. =)

ramblin', I hear ya on this. I tried it once cuz I was oh so curious. Met a really nice guy and had a great dinner, but that was it. I panicked and deleted my profile. Never went back since. I keep thinking, if I really am a great person and so are my IIF's too, what makes me think there's not any great men on line too. If there are a lot of great single girls in late 20's to 30's, then there has to be great single men. But is there??? REALLY? If they are that great, wouldn't they be snatched up already? But if we were really great girls, wouldn't we?? Excuse me while I go cry in the bathroom. ;)

ramblin' girl said...

Yeah, you guys all have great points, and Jerk (er, should I say wingman), whenever you want to go to ESPN Zone or the Cheesecake Factory, let me know.

exactly, except the part about us, because we're both obviously really great girls, just haven't met the right guy. which is exactly my theory on the great guys out there. they just haven't met us great girls yet, that's what I'm trying to figure out how to do. and I am not sure that they are dating online, because none of the really great guys that I do know are (or did)?! only the scary ones, so should I just dive in regardless of the stalker, good-friend-but-scary-to-date-guy and NowEx swimming around in the pool?

Yoda said...


As a veteran of online dating, I can tell you that it has its own rules and issues. I agree that there can be a romantic story attached to meeting someone from online, but you don't have to lie about it. (Heck, play it online date that goes the distance is so flippin' rare, it's gotta be romantic to meet that way!)

In ten years of dating online (okay, eight...I was involved for just over two years of the ten I've been divorced), I've found that nearly everyone who dates online wants instant gratification. Many will not accept an invitation that asks them to commit to more than coffee for a first date (hello! If you can't commit to two or three hours, how can you be expected to commit to a lifetime?), and if anything at all is not exactly perfect during the twenty minutes it takes to nurse a cup of Starbucks, they move on. Why? Because with all of the choices available on the Internet, they arrive for your date knowing that there is likely to be a "better" candidate to be found in ten minutes of searching when they get home.

The result is that you're under far more pressure with online dating than with conventional see-em/meet-em/like-em dating.

Trust me, if you put up the post you wrote, but include your picture, you'll get 300 e-mails, and probably three of them will have actually read what you wrote.

I wrestle with shyness, too. That's life. You're not going to get past that with online'll just give yourself more opportunities to overcome your shyness. In that sense, it may be a positive thing...just be prepared for the inevitability of blank rejection, and don't let that set you back.

Are there guys online looking for someone like you? Yes.

Are they the kind you're looking for? Could be. Only one way to find out.

One thing I will tell you for sure is that there are plenty of perennial online daters out there. Some of the women who put profiles up on Love@AOL nine years ago are still there on now...and I can only surmise that these people have gotten caught in the cycle of insanity that is online dating: define what you want, cast a wide net, and reel them in. If you've been at it for more than a month, with all the hundreds of choices out there, and you haven't found anyone to get involved with, it's time to reexamine your priorities. Insanity is, of course, doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

Of course, it would be easy to point back at me and say, "well, why are you still single if you've been online dating for 8 years?" Good question...the short answer is that the kind of women I've been looking for are not dating online, but of course, it's more involved than that.

It's a good topic, have a lot to NOT be shy about, so relax. And if you do start dating online, remember the words of Lazarus Long: "Never lie down with someone who has more troubles than you."


Valerie said...

Well girl. I hope we can find true love someday. And when you do, ask if he has a single brother. I'll do the same. =)

I think you, glitter and myself should go on a singles cruise. bwwwhahahaaaa

ramblin' girl said...

Love that quote, should have read it while I was dating NowEx!

and asking the very obvious here, but the if you put up the post you wrote, but include your picture, you'll get 300 e-mails, and probably three of them will have actually read what you wrote. means only 3 are interested in reading what I have to say, the rest just send a note to every chick with a pic?

Valerie said...

oh yeah, and of course 28goingon40. =)

ramblin' girl said...

Great idea! And any single brothers are coming your way, as long as they're worthy!

Julie said...

Oh, take me on the cruise! Take meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! :)

Yoda said...


Yes, that's what I meant. Most guys just shotgun their form e-mails out to as many women as they can.

Me, I've always read the full post and tried to craft a personal response.

I've been told that's pretty rare.


j2 said...

yoda, you're so smart. (and that was the longest comment ever too)

"Never lie down with someone who has more troubles than you."

i heard that a long time ago and it always stuck with me. i failed by always knowing it but rarely executing it.

GlitterGlamGirl05 said...

Okay, so a few days not checking on blogs and I'm SOOO far behind. Count me in on a cruise!

Aarwenn said...

What? I'm not gentle? MOI?

:) Also, I forgot to mention that I've done it, and enjoyed it--that is, it's really enjoyable if you're the kind of girl who enjoys dating and meeting lots of new people. I once had 7 dates in a weekend. Three of them went somewhere (i.e., had a second date, then a third date). Not bad odds!

militaryman said...

No wonder you have so many comments. Your writing is intriguing. You should have no problem finding lots of interested and interested guys online.

x said...

I had a blast doing online dating. I did it for about a year and went on a lot of fun dates. Some were just a single meeting, some were weird but fun, some we went out a few times, one was a couple of months. One ~ I married.

The reality is that after college it's more difficult to meet people and people always say they don't want to meet in a bar so that leaves only a few places..You know the story.
Anyway, the main point is: if you're considering doing it and you're a normal, fun, intelligent, attractive person then chances are there are men that have those same qualities that are doing it also.
I'm pretty normal :) and my husband is beyond normal.
So, I say go for it. I used and I've heard really great things about eharmony from a girlfriend of mine who was VERY reluctant to do any online dating. The most important thing is to go into it with a positive attitude and a feeling that you're going to have fun meeting new people!