brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

single reason

there's a reason he's single...

that seems to be true of many of the single guys I've met lately.

some have excessive baggage from previous relationships.
some can't seem to move out of their parents' basement.
some work way too much.
some are too selfish.
some are only interested in the exterior, not the interior.
some are too melodramatic.
some are completely insincere.
some have no sense of humor.
some are inconsiderate jerks.
some don't have any passion.
some don't have the ability to hold a simple conversation. this one is true of the guys we met out last night.

but, then again, there's a reason some women are single. true for some of the girls I went out with last night. one's too shy. one's either too abrasive or too forward, and either way seems to eventually scare guys away. and one's, well, just plain crazy.

so if it's true for guys, and it's true for my friends, does that make it true for me?

maybe there's a reason I'm single?

yes, there is a reason (and possibly many, but this is the one that I think has wreaked the most havoc), my timing sucks, always has... now if I can just figure out some way to change that...

15 comments:

Jen said...

Maybe your timing is really good and has kept you from even more painful relationships with jerks and will eventually lead you to the perfect guy at the perfect time.

Rainypete said...

I think the reason most people are single is because they are looking for something to be wrong. People are so concerned that they might be ina bad relationship so they look for fault. I know people qualiofied for several of your reasons why they are single, but have been happily married for years. Look for what's good along with protecting yourself and you'll be pleasantly surprised at the results.

If not you may find yourself sitting on the porch many years from now wondering why you're still single. There's always fault with everyone. Love is digging past it to the golden center

Yoda said...

Very wise, Jen is.

It isn't YOUR timing if you meet a good candidate who's unavailable. It isn't his, either.

The fact that I've been single for ten years must make most women I meet think "Oh, yeah...there's gotta be a reason for that." And for a while...a long while...they were absolutely right. I carried around a ton of baggage after my divorce.

The women who assume that there's gotta be a reason I'm still single after ten years are still right, but in a different sense: I'm still single because most of the women I meet assume there's gotta be a reason I'm still single after ten years!

RG, you're smart, funny, cute and (apparently) sane. If, as Jen points out, timing has kept you from hooking up with someone who sucks that out of you...the you've had the benefit of GOOD timing.

That's a good reason to be single.

~Kurt

ramblin' girl said...

Jen- I like that theory!

rainypete- very true, however if you knew some of my exes, you might think sitting on a porch alone would be preferable...
I tend to look for the good in people a little too much...

GlitterGlamGirl05 said...

As always Jen is right! Maybe we are all trying to figure out who the perfect guy is and use timing as an excuse....

Valerie said...

Oh Jen. Whoa is us. I'm in the EXACT same boat. I'll call you next time I'm in Denver. We'll go wallow in our singleness.

Aarwenn said...

I think we've got a gender divide here: Men tend to be too picky, and women tend to be WAY TOO ACCEPTING, so the advice from each gender is opposite.

Men, don't believe me? Any woman, when she starts to date a guy, immediately plans for the future: Let's see...well, his family lives in England--that would be so cool, to go visit the family in England!--will our kids have dual citizenship or what?--god, I hate that he doesn't have a sense of humor--I can live with that, he doesn't beat me--has a good job, good--no sense of style--I can change that--doesn't call me often enough--I can nag him until he does that--spends too much time on video games--I'll just hide his games.

Men, did you catch all that? If a woman goes on more than one date with a guy, she immediately starts trying to turn him into the man of her dreams.

Whereas men already have a woman of their dreams in mind, down to the hair color, and they'll toss out thousands of women very very close to that ideal in the hopes of finding the perfect one. (Then, when they're ready to get married, they'll just propose to whoever they're with at the time and check "marriage" off their to-do list.)

So, women, hold out for the man of your dreams, really. Don't listen to a man's advice in this area--they really have no idea how we work. (On the other hand, reading articles about how to please a man, written by a woman, is just madness--there's the perfect time to ask a guy!)

Yoda said...

Aarwenn,

Be careful with the generalizations there...while I admit to having little or no idea how women work, I also don't have very specific requirements in mind. The perfect girl for me is simply smart, funny, attractive and sane...and she accepts my occasional need for solitude. As for the rest, she's probably a blonde, brunette or a redhead, and I don't particularly care what her natural hair color is, either. She's probably somewhere between a size 0 and a size 16. My point is that if you think we always know exactly what we want, you're underestimating yourself. For me anyway, a woman doesn't start out being The One, she BECOMES The One as I get to know her.

The next time I ask someone to marry me, it'll be because I've realized that I'll still want her to be my best friend when we're 80, not because it's there on the right side of my Daytimer.

No one is ever going to be perfect for you when you first meet. If Tom Hanks (in "Sleepless in Seattle") was right about dating being about trying people on to see if they fit, consider this: when was the last time that you saw a t-shirt that was shaped like you? You pull it out of the drawer, and hold it up...it's got its own design, its own shape that is roughly person-shaped, but until you put it on, it's flat. Whip it over your head and pull it down...voila! It's shaped like you! It's still got the same design on it, and it's still basically person-shaped, but now it's shaped just like you. Anyone else wearing the same t-shirt would make it a different shape. And you know what? A t-shirt that fits you doesn't complain that it's taken on your shape. It just feels right.

But I do have a question: If women immediately start to try to turn their man into the man of their dreams, why does it freak them out so much when their man begins to admit he likes the way he's being changed?

~Kurt

GlitterGlamGirl05 said...

Wow....such good arguments on both sides of that coin - in a way we are all right. It just depends on how you look at the situation.

ramblin' girl said...

I think there's a fine line:

between wanting someone to change to your vision of the ideal mate, and wanting them to change too much...

between allowing yourself to change to your mate's idealization, and changing too much thereby losing the person you were to begin with...

between accepting someone's small quirks, and allowing someone's big problems to change you...

between having a pre-defined and unchangeable view of who you're looking for, and not knowing what you're looking for at all...

and, of course, between appearing sane and being sane...

Jerk of All Trades said...

Hey I have a GREAT sense of humor and I'm a CONSIDERATE Jerk!

Of course I'm not single, so there you go.

I guess I really had nothing to add, sorry.

Callie said...

I used to think the same way... that there had to be a reason someone was single. After my last breakup, I started to turn it on myself too. I managed to pick myself apart to the point where I questioned everything - my beliefs, needs and wants, morales! Talk about destructive behaviour!

Just because you're single doesn't mean there's something *wrong* with you, or with the people in your past... there was only something wrong with the two of you together. Hold out for what you want and need, and watch out for compromise that snowballs into sacrificing your needs and wants just to be with someone.

And BTW, it took me a LONG time to come to this conclusion - four multi-year live-in boyfriends, a joint condo/car purchase, separation agreements... everything short of walking down the aisle. I was ready to pack it in. But I have FINALLY found someone who matches me. Now I know the feeling of security and certainty that was missing before.

Was there a reason he was single? Yes, his wife had passed away.

Sometimes the "single reason" isn't a deal-breaker. There is someone out there waiting to surprise you, trust me.

Valerie said...

Well put Callie. Thanks for that insight. As I'm turning 29 next Sunday, I am still single. =)

Joe said...

I think the reason some people are single is that, deep down inside, despite claims to the contrary, they don't want to be involved. Meaningful relationships don't just "happen" as in a fairytale; they require committmemt and compromise. The "glass slipper" courtship is a start, but it's what comes after "Happily Ever After" that really matters. For some, its just easier to be single and "free." I'm not suggesting that this is true of anyone here, but it's what I've observed in other people I know.

Elizabeth said...

Wow! Great debate! I admit to trying to figure out why the guy I'm dating is still single. Hell, I am still trying to figure out why I'm still single! I think I'm a great catch! I'd marry me!

On the other hand...it has to be timing. In real estate, its location, location, location. In romance, its timing, timing, timing. I disagree about the women molding men part. Just the opposite, I think its the chameleon affect. Men have this image of the perfect woman, and women try to become that image, changing to fit into what the new man in their life wants them to be.

Just be yourself, Betty! Yeah, right.