brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

lost day

warning:: if you don't like stream-of-conscious rants, you may want to skip this one.

it's one of those days. one where I feel completely lost. I was up too late last night. went to a concert, and didn't get home until late. and didn't sleep very well, as I had to have some caffeine on my way home to stay awake to drive. snooze bar was my friend (enemy) this morning. now that I'm at work I can't seem to find anything I need. no one I need to talk to is in. and my brain is in slow-motion. all I want to do is either sleep or go outside and enjoy the sunshine.

on top of that I have that anxious feeling. I need to do more training. the race is less than a month away. I haven't been in the water in weeks, my back still hurts when I bike and run. maybe I shouldn't do the race. but I have to. that's my way of reclaiming my life. I'm still angry that this had to happen to me. and part of the reason I'm doing the race is to prove to myself that I will be back to fully functional soon.

also, I got a message from a friend last night. one of those I have news, but I have to tell you in person (meaning on the phone). yep, I'm sure she's getting married. that leaves me as the only one of my close circle of friends my age from college that's not married (or shacking up with her boyfriend for years). every time I get the I'm engaged or I'm having a baby call, I'm always very happy for my friend, but always feel a little left behind in the race of life. like I'm not part of the team anymore.

I'm just in a funk. it's just a lost day.

19 comments:

Jen said...

I think sometimes you just have to go through those lost days. It only becomes a problem when ALL of your days are lost!

Julie said...

Sometimes, life just sucks. And there isn't a damn thing we can do about it. I find that copious amounts of alcohol tends to help temporarily.

Strangely, this is also how I cope with the single club... Every time I get a call from YET ANOTHER friend telling me they're expecting a bundle of joy, I say "We must share a toast in celebration. Oh that's right, you can't have any. Hahahahahahahaha!"

It's the small victories that make me feel better.

Leah said...

Why feel behind? Everyone has their own life path and right now having a significant other or even a child would hinder your time to yourself so you can focus on you. Look at what you DO have rather than what you do not have. Hell you go do interesting stuff all the time, who knows what would happen if you had a dood!?

Jeremy said...

Get out and Ride woman!
As a fellow tri-athlete I feel it is my duty to tell you to swim and spin and run run run. I have a race coming up in July and I am just coming off a nasty ankle injury (ligaments look like the frayed end of nylon rope) and I gained a little wieght during the 2 months of inactivity so I am hating training right now, but I know I have to do it. Hang in there! BTW... like the new Felt :-).

The World Against Me said...

It's funny how we have this "social pressure" to get married. Back in the days, you were married by 16 and had like 10 kids by the time you were 25. Kinda understandable, seeing that life expectancy was like 40.

Personally, forget about what people are doing and what people say. Be who you are and be true to yourself. If all your friends jump off the bridge...

Yoda said...

RG,

An old friend of mine has a saying she uses for times like these: Consider yourself thoroughly hugged.

I'm with Leah on this...you have so many positive things going on in your life! Focus on them; enjoy them. You are a whole person without the baby or the boy.

One thing I can tell you from personal experience is that it's easy to focus on a goal set as a life-reclaiming milestone can be harmful if it stops being a goal and becomes a "must do". It's okay to come up a little short now and then...as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror and honestly say you've tried your best.

If you're not ready for the race because despite all your hard work, you're still in pain...well, you be the judge.

Anyway...you're definitely still part of the team.

So consider yourself thoroughly hugged.

~Kurt

Rainypete said...

I don't know that I'd be feeling left behind by your friends. Not that they aren't happy, but you are better off findiny your way instead of grabbing the first guy that wants kids and squeezing out a brood you aren't really sold on.

Find your own way on your own terms and you'll be a lot happier. Don't feel that you have to do things just because those around you are.

Just keep on ramblin'

ramblin' girl said...

thanks everyone for your thoughtful comments!
and, yes. I know, I know. you all have great points.

I don't really envy my accomplished-life-milestone friends, just sometimes catch myself wondering if they'll still need my single-non-mom friendship anymore. but I know they will and do.

didn't I write something about the grass is only a different shade of green a little while ago?

well, indeed it is.

GlitterGlamGirl05 said...

HUGS to you!! I totally know where you are today. I'm not that far off, all my friends are either getting married or engaged and I'm in a failure of a relationship. NOT FUN!

XOXOXO!!!

Shananigans said...

Ditto to everyone’s supportive comments here. You are a whole and fabulous person all by yourself! Go you. Is it weird that when I see people with children that I’m reminded of how grateful I am to not have children? Hmmm… Don’t get me wrong, I love kids. As long as I can hand them off to their proper owners when the inevitable meltdown occurs :P

grafxdude said...

I make a decent living, have a great wife and have a little one on the way. But there's always something that a friend has done that makes me think why I haven't done that yet. Like: travel, run a marathon, take up wine drinking, lose weight. Sometimes you just have to do things in a different order.

RainyPete summed it up best: Find your own way on your own terms and you'll be a lot happier.

Hang in there girl.

Callie said...

Hey RG,

I've been reading your blog for a bit and it sounds like you've got a pretty full and enjoyable life! How many people do you know that are smart enough to be an engineer, tough enough to do a tri, cool enough to go to concerts, artistic enough to take great pix... well I could go on here, but you get my drift. No sense in comparing your life to anyone else's.

And about the tri thing, I know EXACTLY where you're coming from. You have to go with no expectations other than to try your best and take what you can away from it. Treat your body well, you have years and years to race. Besides, even the top athletes blow tires, get stomach cramps, twist ankles... sometimes you just have to give up control.

LaLaLa said...

I so know what you mean! I'm a rarity in my family and circle of friends. I am not in a relationship nor am I spitting out kids. One of my cousins is getting married and I'm a bridesmaid (yeah hi! 5th wedding, 6th if you count the time I was a flower girl when I was 5!). And all of a sudden I'm getting the "Oh just wait till it's your wedding." or "Just wait till you're in love." And then there's the "Don't you want to get married." "Don't you want kids? Your time is slipping away."

I seriously think we have the upper hand in all this madness. We still have choices. They don't.

Hang in there, the funk shall soon pass!

ramblin' girl said...

Callie-
apparently at least one... you!
and thanks for the words of tri wisdom.

Paul said...

How much is training now going to help? Just relax and mentally prepare.

Beans said...

I know exactly what you mean by the "left behind" feeling... It just seems like everyone else is on this different path than you are on, doesnt it?

kt said...

i've been on the receiving end of those phone calls many times now.. and am the last of my college friends to get married. i get a little pang of jealousy - mostly because i hate being last at ANYTHING.. but when i really think about the situation and realize that it doesn't matter as long as i'm happy with my life, i can make peace with the situation.

and also keep in mind that all your married and/or kid-laden friends are probably envious of your single life!

Tanya Kristine said...

I hope youre feeling better today RG. i have many days like that (as you saw on sunday) They come on strong and leave as if nothing happened. weird. Weddings no good. don't feel left behind. marriage is not the perfect setting people pretend it to be. my married friends are sometimes jealous of MY life. so both sides have major pluses and negatives...

hardest thing in life is to love and live in the now...s'why i drink. it keeps me in the now ; )

Callie said...

Ha! Fooled you! My pictures suck! :)

For some people, it doesn't matter how well-kept their front yard is, the grass is always greener on the other side... I don't think you're one of those people, and I think having a funked-up day once in a while is pretty normal.