like a rash

It's spreading across the blogosphere like wildfire, or, um, a rash. Kristy was one of the recent victims, and I apparently caught it (ok, asked for it).

It's an interview bloggy thing. I almost never do these things, but let's face it, it's been far too melancholy and restless around these parts lately. So, I asked Kristy to help jump-start some fun around here.

Here's how it works. She asks me five questions, I answer, then ask the first 10 commentors five unique questions in return. Since I never get 10 commentors, I'll ask questions of any of you who would like to be the subject of an interview, just leave a comment saying you'd like to be interviewed.

Here are Kristy's questions for me, and my rambling answers.

1. Since you've been writing about some sadder stuff lately, I was thinking I'd try and ask about happy places. This makes me think of cotton candy, which inevitably leads me to thinking of amusement parks. Except I don't really LIKE amusement parks. I hate roller coasters, and I especially hate spinny things, and I'm terrified of heights, and it finally dawned on me that there's really nothing I like about the Six Flags experience. (Especially when you factor in the abundance of tube tops and $5 Cokes.) Anyway -- what's your take on roller coasters, amusement parks, and the like?

I absolutely love, LOVE roller coasters. Love amusement parks, too. (But hate cotton-candy. Never been much of a fan of spun sugar.)

Favorite roller coasters? Montezuma's Revenge at Knox Berry Farm and of course the old Twister and Wildcat at Elitch's. Both were great old wooden roller coasters. The front and back cars of the Wildcat came off the tracks so everyone would wait even longer in line to get into those cars. (Adventure roller-coastering.)

One of my favorite high school memories was taking the clown car (aka packing as many people as could fit into my dad's small car, I think we managed 7) up to Denver to play at Elitch's for the day. Fond memories of friends and roller-coasters, but I can't remember much else. Except maybe a SkeeBall game or two. Oh, and the twirly swings.

2. What was your most favorite thing about turning 30? What was your least favorite thing about leaving your 20s?

I absolutely freaked out about two weeks before my thirtieth birthday. Couldn't sleep. Worried that leaving behind my carefree twenties was a kiss of death for my social life, worried I had to act grown-up and start being concerned about what people thought of me and where I was in life, worried I'd wake up with lines, bags and sags where there hadn't been any the day before.

The actual day of my thirtieth birthday was amazing. My wonderful friends and family gathered around my back yard for a bbq. My sister endeavored to make mix cds for me. (If you knew my sister, you'd know how incredible that was, because she just isn't into music like I am.) On the cds she included songs dedicated to me by friends both near and far. It was spectacular. Listening to the songs that reminded people of me. Even "Don't Fear the Reaper" dedicated to me by my brother, my older brother, made me laugh.

I realized that I didn't need to worry what people thought of me. If my friends and family were any indication, there were people that loved me no matter what. So far the best part of my 30s has been realizing I really can be whomever I want, and really don't need to worry about what other people think.

3. This may also seem like a silly question, but what's your favorite thing about vacations? Is there some aspect in particular you look forward to more than others?

Since most of my vacations lately have been to see friends, that as definitely been the the thing I look forward to most. I'm leaving Friday for a mini reunion with almost a dozen good friends from college before heading on to my brother's wedding. And I absolutely can't wait to see everyone and drink far too many margaritas.

The other favorite thing about vacations for me is looking at my zillions of pictures afterward. Then I get to re-live the vacation over and over and over.

4. As one single, childless thirtysomething to another, do you have baby names picked out? How sure are you of them?

I do. Just one. I've had it picked out for a really long time. My grandmother's first and middle names. Middle name first. Particularly since my mom gave me my middle name to be the same as my grandmother's.

Sure of it? Well, I believe that you do have to wait to meet the little bundle of joy before saddling it with an unfitting name. For instance, I was supposed to have my sister's name. But it didn't feel right to my parents, so they gave me mine. I can't imagine having another name.

5. What's the most accurate assessment of your personality you've ever read/seen/been given? (I'm talking magazine quizzes, astrology read-outs, personality tests, career reports, or just a wise synopsis given to you by a friend.)

I never think those quizzes are very accurate, they usually say I'm crazy, and that's obviously not true. Well, this may be asking for trouble, but I'm going to throw this one out to all of you. Give me a synopsis of my personality, and I'll let you know whose I think is most accurate.

*****

Thanks for the great questions Kristy! And, since Kristy's interviewer Stacy had a little extra twist on the rules also allowing anyone to ask any questions of her in their comments, I'll add it, too. Ask away.

restless

In my trips to New York, DC, San Francisco, in walking down the streets in downtown Denver, even, I'd always imagined that working downtown (any downtown) would be fabulous.

The take-mass-transit-to-work possibilities, the lunch options, the after-work-drink locales. All sound enticing.

My sister does it, many friends have, too. But even though part of my bipolar personality fancies itself a city girl I never have, and without a significant career change, never will.

But after a meeting downtown, I decided that since I had already paid for all-day parking, I should use some of that time to have lunch downtown, like the sophisticated downtown-workers do.

I called my sister. She wasn't at her desk. I tried another friend. Strike two. Nearly defeated I tried one more.

He was up for it. We had trip planning to attend to anyway. We met for salads near his office.

He made me laugh as he always does. Made me forget some of the craziness that has been my life lately. Got me excited again for our upcoming trip.

As we walked to his office, I asked if he liked working downtown. He said not really. Describing his reasons made me realize I'd probably love it for a month, then be ready for another change.

Perhaps I will always be restless. With where I work, where I live, who I date.

For now, I'm satisfied knowing at least I'll be travelling soon.

miss you

My brother spoke beautiful words. Tales of mowing the lawn, eating raspberries and drinking grapefruit soda.

He told the many gathered to say goodbye to our grandmother of how special she was. How spectacular. How lucky my siblings and cousin and I were to have her. And to have her as long and as close as we did.

He explained how she was not only an amazingly strong and independent mother and grandmother, but a grandmother to all those that were special in her grandchildren's lives.

He began sobbing telling of how a few weeks ago, when he danced her out of the RV, she promised him a dance on his wedding day, not so long from now. I was sad for him. But knew he'd get that dance with our grandma anyway. If only in spirit.

His tears behind the podium gave me courage. I wasn't sure if I could do it. But as he finished and walked over to hug my mom, I walked up to take his place.

I wanted to tell everyone how special she was to me. How wonderful and amazing of a woman, person, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother she was. How she made me feel special. How she made everyone who knew her feel special.

About our crazy road trips. And about her smile on the last one, when she knew she was back home. Back in Colorado.

I think I got some of that out, but I'm not sure how coherent it was between the tears. At least she knew what I hoped to say. Knew and knows I love her very much. And although I know she will always be with me, I will miss her very much.

To my grandmother. The most amazing woman I have ever known. I love you and miss you.

tears in the trees

As we walked through the trees with the dogs I began to cry softly. I couldn't let him see the tears. He just doesn't understand.

I've tried to talk to him about Gran, about Cass. He either changes the subject or says something along the lines of, "Well, she was old."

I hung back behind him. Partly because there was snow and mud, and I have a somewhat irrational fear of slipping and being carried down a mountain to an ambulance. But also partly because I just really needed to cry. And walk a bit in solitude with TheDog.

Everything just keeps piling up. Work deadlines, car repairs, court deadlines, looming trips for weddings for which I have nothing to wear. And of course there’s trying to deal with the loss of my grandma and our dog.

As I told one of my bosses yesterday when their (fake) deadline came and went. I’m a mess, I’m doing the best I can. If you need to switch my projects to others, I understand.

Maybe I need to tell him the same. I’m a mess, I’m doing the best I can. If you need to switch to another girlfriend, I understand.

Cassidy

I will never forget the day we picked her up. My sister and I drove through the snow and ice out to the "farm" in my brand-new-to-me car. We even had to hide the fact that I accidentally slid into the car in front of me*.

She was the cutest ball of white fluff. Absolutely adorable. I fell in love the minute we saw her in the barn.

She was my parents' Christmas present. We had decided they had been too long without two dogs, and they needed a puppy.

So, we had to keep the entire excursion a secret. Despite the fender-bender, it worked.

When my friend Rob came over on Christmas morning to wish the family Merry Christmas, he had our little fluffy surprise with him.

I was still in high school then. And she has been a very loved and, of course, very spoiled member of our family ever since.

In the last few years, she lost her hearing, and an eye, but up until very recently, she'd been her old spunky self.

She hadn't been able to get around on her own recently. And her constant moaning had made us all worry about her. Last week the vet said she was just in too much pain.

So, on Sunday, my sister and I drove down to say goodbye to our sweet fluffy, white baby dog.

Today she had a roast beef sandwich from Arby's. Her last meal. At least her appetite was still healthy.

Now she is gone. Off to play with PB in the vast meadows in the clouds. Before we even lay my grandma to rest.

I didn't realize I could cry so many tears.

I love you Cass. I will miss you so much.


* The other car stopped suddenly for no reason, and on the ice, I just couldn't quite stop. I barely bumped her. There was no damage to either car, regardless, the other driver was being horrible, trying to tell the cops I'd caused a huge dent about a foot above where my bumper could have possibly been. The cop simply told me to drive safely as he wrote her a ticket for having no proof of insurance.

tranquility

She took her last breath on this earth earlier tonight. My amazing grandmother has joined her husband in heaven.

I love you, Gran. So very, very much.

I will miss you more than I could ever begin to describe with words. But I am comforted in my belief that you have found tranquility.

May you rest in peace knowing you have left an indelible mark on my life and so many others.

peace

She's not good. And it's taking a toll on my mom. Mostly because my aunt is hanging on with everything she has. But my grandma's ready to let go.

I feel guilty not staying there with my mom. I can't concentrate anyway. But I'm in enough trouble at work for as much work as I've missed already, that I can't stay.

I just wish my grandma peace. And my mom, too.

numb

I walked outside of my grandma's house. The world was still.

The ice covered trees were still. My mind felt ice covered. Numb. Still.

I didn't want to let the thoughts I knew were lingering in my subconscious permeate my conscious.

They did anyway. Too much time to think on the slow drive home.

I knew the kiss I left on my grandma's forehead might be the last. And I almost hoped it could be. For her sake.

My mom asked me to read a book. A book about what to expect when someone is dying.

It was hard to read. But it did make it easier to come to grips with what is happening.

I just wish I were closer. Wish I could be there with my grandma, for my mom. Wish I could make her pain go away.

She is one of the most amazing people I have ever known. Her strength. Her wisdom. Her independence. Her quiet way of love.

I hope in some selfish way she holds on until tomorrow night. So I can tell her those things.

stalemate

Tonight's my last night holed up in a hotel far from home. (Well, one that I didn't choose to stay in.)

I'm almost giddy. I get to get back to some semblance of normalcy. I even get two full weeks home with TheDog before I leave her again.

I shouldn't complain. I have had fun excursions here and there during breaks in the "action." And many may be relayed here soon.

In the meantime, just wanted to give the (non) update on the boy situation. I'm right where I was two days ago. And still not sure I'm going to do anything more about it.

After our brief conversation tonight, I'm fairly certain nothing has changed. Not that I really expected anything to. As I commented, I don't think either of us is willing to back down right now.

And I'm not certain how long I can just stare across the OK Corral without either walking away or staying to fight.

lucky night

Last night was apparently my lucky night. Well after the conversation with the boy, anyway.

In fact, I got lucky twice last night.

My luckiest 104 seconds was spent answering a few quesions, which brought me the win. (If you like trivia, you simply must check out Wordnerd's trivia.)

Also somewhat noteworthy, was that I won our office basketball pool. Both first and second place. (Yes, we can enter multiple brackets. Although I'm guessing this may be the last year they allow that.)

I've also recently won a lottery. (No, unfortunately not the kind that would let me get back home right now.)

This lottery win is the only thing saving my sanity right now. Between work, boy issues and family crises. The relaxation it will bring soon is my dangling carrot.

having doubts

I rarely bring up relationship issues while they're occurring. And this will likely not stay for long, but I have to vent and ask for advice.

After an unexpected reprieve from having to work last night, I tried to get the boy to hang out with me. He declined, saying he had to get things ready for the week.

I was a little upset, but decided I'd put my job ahead of him a time or two and this one could slide.

Then, when I talked to him tonight, he said he had looked into tickets for my brother's wedding. I was excited that he was up for joining me. Then he continued, explaining he wouldn't go if he had to get his own hotel room.

I had already explained to him that my mom is extremely old-fashioned, and simply did not approve of us shacking up at the wedding.

I even expanded on that tonight, explaining that my brother's wedding is not the appropriate time to test my mom's beliefs. It's about my brother and his fiance. It's their day.

The boy said he couldn't do it based on principal. I think it's ridiculous. I guess I see where he's coming from, but this is a family event, not mine. And it's only one night.

Maybe I am completely in the wrong. But I think at least he should have been open to discussing it. I guess his stance is more important than attending the event with me.

Maybe this should tell me something.

really fast

I (almost) never push things here. But some things are too amazing to keep to yourself.

If you're in the market for fast internet access, you simply must check out Google's new offering, TiSP. It's a free in-home wireless broadband service. Who doesn't want that?

Even if you think you're not, you should really check it out.

And if you are of the hard-to-convince school, take a look at what others are saying.

If for any resaon you cannot locate these pages, please look here.


And Happy April Fool's Day!

holding on by a thread

I can't stand to see her this way. She's in pain. But she puts on a brave face when anyone other than my mom or I are there.

After my dad went home last night, she started crying. Telling my mom and I that we liked to see her suffer.

Of course, it's the pain talking. After the meds started to take effect, she apologized. But my mom is having a tough time with it.

I feel guilty. Guilty for leaving my mom there to deal with everything. Guilty for leaving my grandma there. Guilty for trying to hold my own life together.

Not that I'm doing a great job of that, either.

Friends' calls go unanswered, unreturned. Work piles up. The boy feels neglected. At least TheDog is getting a walk here and there, because that's the only thing keeping me somewhat sane right now.

just more important

We pulled up in her driveway, and the smile was still there. My brothers, dad and aunt were all there to meet us, and help get her out of the RV and into the house.

She lit up when my smooth-talking brother walked to the back of the RV and told her he was going to dance with her. His charm definitely works on my grandma.

I asked everyone to help me unload the RV. One of my brother's said he couldn't he had work to do. I wanted to yell and scream.

Instead, I nicely and quietly explained that I have work to do, also. But I took days off to drive our grandma back, because somethings are just more important. Then I walked out to the RV.

Everyone quickly joined me and helped me unpack things. We got her settled, and most everyone left. My parents and I were still there, but had moved into the kitchen as she slept.

She woke up in a panic. She didn't know what she was supposed to do. How could she get to the bathroom or eat? She couldn't do this on her own.

I assured her someone would always be there with her. My mom, or dad, or aunt or me. Someone. She relaxed a little as I brought in her favorite sandwich and soup that my dad had picked up for her.

She gave her dog a few pets before I kissed her goodnight, and headed back to my life.

It's hard to concentrate on work and friends and the boy, when I know she's slipping away by the day too far away to quickly stop by.

I'm heading back down tomorrow to see her, once my friend has checked in to her conference hotel. And hopefully my friends and the boy understand that spending time with her right now is more important to me.

almost home

We finally got on the road late Tuesday afternoon. Things went pretty uneventfully until it got late. Then I was exhausted and my mom took over the driving.

I tried to sleep, but I knew how tired I was so every little bump woke me up anxious that my mom had fallen asleep at the wheel.

That was never the case, but after an hour or so, we decided it was ridiculous to try and fight sleep. We had more than enough beds in the back. So we stopped for the night.

My mom slept soundly, but I quietly got up every hour or so to check on my grandma. She slept peacefully through the night.

Somewhere in the middle of New Mexico my mom came up to the front of the RV with tears in her eyes. A lump caught in my throat. But I had to ask.

My grandma had just told my mom she didn't know if she would make it home. It was taking too long.

Not if I had anything to say about it. I said a prayer and stepped down harder on the accelerator.

Despite the crazy crosswinds, we made it through New Mexico and up and over the pass. My mom was called back to the back again. My grandma had asked for some good Colorado water.

In the rearview mirror, I could see my grandma sitting up a little and smiling. She had seen the old wooden Welcome to Colorful Colorado sign.

I smiled, too. I used to love seeing that sign every time I drove home from college. It meant I was almost home.

It meant the same for my grandma.

the best laid plans

I ended up bailing on my one-way ticket. With everything going on, I even forgot to call and cancel, I'm hoping I can still apply it towards the cost of another ticket, but that's not what is important right now.

I left my college friends up at the condo to ski, and hurried down the mountain. Instead of flying, I stopped at my sister's house and picked up a thirty-some foot behemoth that her husband had picked up Saturday.

I had a mission. Drive just short of a thousand miles, sleep, then my mom, my grandma's dog and I would pick my grandma up from the hospital. And start our journey back to Colorado.

I got down here alright. Although I have a new appreciation for truck and bus drivers. But our return trip is on hold right now.

My grandma's in the post-op recovery room right now. She had to have a little surgical procedure before they would discharge her.

We're now hoping to start driving back tomorrow morning. That's if it all goes as planned.

it can get worse

I'm beginning to dread when my cell phone rings. Only friends and family have the number, so I usually get excited when the phone rings. But lately it's all been bad news.

My mom called while I was still at work. She asked if I had gotten my plane ticket to come down this weekend yet. I said no. She said that was good, that I shouldn't.

My breathe caught. Why not? She couldn't be...

She interrupted my thought. Told me that my grandma had had enough of hospitals. Of the nursing home. She was ready to come home to die.

Tears streamed down my face. But I tried to hold it together for my mom.

My mom explained that my grandma wants to come home, to Colorado. She wants to be near her family. That my mom needs me to help her drive her back.

So my ticket needs to be one-way. Not roundtrip as I'd planned.

I'm worried. Really worried. How are my mom and I supposed to take care of her in an RV on a road trip. What if the trip back makes her worse. Or worse than worse.

is great good enough?

I took TheDog for a walk tonight. To take advantage of the earlier-than-usual daylight savings time. To try to make up for neglecting her over the past two months.

Our relaxing walk gave me perhaps too much time to think. The first time in a long time when there wasn't a cell phone interrupting my thoughts. Or some work issue I had to work out.

Enough thinking time that the thing that's been lurking in the depths started to surface. I know things aren't great. But I don't know why.

There's a lack of compassion for what I'm going through with my grandma. There's a constant feeling of guilt being laid upon me because of long work hours. And there's not really anyone I can talk to about it.

Everyone thinks he's great. My parents, brothers, sister, friends, even my boss. And he is. But I'm not sure we're great. And I'm not sure how to figure it out or what to do about it. Or if I should.

worse not better

I got a call last night, well, actually today at one in the morning. As calls at that hour that aren't of the drunken nature usually go, this one was not good news.

It was my sister. My grandma was back in the ER. Her arm was swollen. Really Swollen. The arm where they'd put her PICC line.

The assisted living place thought it was just an infection from the PICC line. But once they got her to the ER, they determined it was a blood clot.

And on top of the clot, she has pneumonia. She was really not good. And she was horrible to the nurses, the doctors and my mom again. Another huge dip in the rollercoaster that my grandma's been on since she fell.

When I talked to my sister again later this morning, she couldn't stop crying. My mom was asleep, since she'd been at the ER until six in the morning. I needed to talk to her. I needed to know if my grandma was really that bad, or if my sister was just being overly dramatic, as she can sometimes be.

I still haven't been able to talk to my mom, at least without her being in my grandma's room, without my sister there. As soon as I do, I'll find out if she needs me to come down again. If she's needs a hand in dealing with everything after my sister comes back home tonight.

I already cleared it with my boss. This time, he's being rather understanding.

a place to go

We got my grandma moved into an assisted living type facility yesterday. One that will take her with her PICC line, IV and all. That was no small feat.

Most places won't take a patient that has a need for an IV line. Many won't take someone that only needs limited physical rehabilitation. It was as if there were no place for her.

It was very frustrating for all of us, my mom particularly. Until she found out that this place has nurses on staff that can deal with the IV. Can deal with limited rehab.

My sister flew down Friday, and helped my mom to get our grandma situated in the new place. I haven't talked to my mom since they moved her but my sister thinks things are looking up.

Here's hoping.

someday, somebody

Standing next to S, singing Vincent of Jersey again after nearly a decade and a half, I smiled. Really, truly smiled for the first time in weeks. She drove back from the mountains to go to the show with me after the boy bailed.

She knows me well. She could tell from a simple e-mail that I needed to go to the show. There's something about BHTM's music that always makes me feel better. And she knows it possibly better than anyone.

When we were in college we ended up on stage at our local hangout with another friend belting out someday, somebody's gonna love me. One of my favorite memories of college.

My friends truly are amazing. When pieces of my sanity start to crumble away, they are there to pick up the crumbs and help me get it together.

It started with dinner last week with J. She listened as I rambled on about my job, my grandma's situation, and the boy. Then there were various calls and e-mails and lunch conversations. Other friends insisting on drinks and dinner and lunch in the next few weeks.

By the time I was snuggled up with TheDog after the show last night, I knew I'd be alright.

I have my own rock. It's made up of my friends and family and, of course, TheDog. And regardless of what else is going on, I know some combination of them is always there for me when I need them most.

another year

He turns a year older today. He has been home alone for a few weeks taking care of my parents' ailing dog. Quietly holding down the fort while my mom's gone taking care of my grandma.

In college he used to call me on my birthday and sing Happy Birthday to me. I called him today and sang to him. I think it may be a good thing he doesn't hear so well anymore.

He's not feeling well, so we've postponed his birthday dinner. He wants to wait until my mom gets back. My sister and I are trying to set up something much sooner. He doesn't like things to be about him, so we'll see if he cooperates.

Happy Birthday, Dad. I love you so very much!

salty rock

I feel like I'm losing it. My last shred of sanity is slipping away. I can't even hold a coherent conversation.

My poor friends. A few have made the mistake of asking how things are going, and I just start babbling. And babbling. All kinds of things spill out.

But I can't say what I want to say. How do I tell someone in e-mail that I'm scared that my grandma may not want to get better. And I'm even more scared of what that will do to my mom.

My mom, who called me her rock yesterday as she dropped me at the airport. After I left her curbside, I slipped inside the airport but didn't check in immediately. I had to wait until the sobbing subsided.

How can I be anyone's rock?

My friend who's taken the new job stopped by my office today. She asked if I was alright. I said yes. She called me on my red and swollen eyes.

I told her I've basically been crying for two weeks. Just about anything can set me off. So I try not to talk about things in front of people.

At least when I cry over my keyboard no one can see. If it weren't for the red eyes and the salty residue on my space bar, I might be able to hide my crumbling sanity.

tears keep coming

And the news keeps getting worse. I know a lot of people will think I'm selfish. How can I think of myself when my grandma is in the hospital. Will be for a while.

Sometimes it just gets to the point that you can't deal with the little things at all because of all the big things.

I got a call on my way to the airport. One of my best friends at work is leaving, going to a competitor. To join the other that left.

After I hung up I couldn't help loosing it. My mom asked what was wrong. I told her but felt terrible. Here she is, taking care of her mom who is not doing well. Just slightly better. And there I was crying because of work.

But it wasn't just work. It was everything. It all just hit me. The brief moment when I thought my grandma was gone earlier today. The boy being too selfish to want to hang out with me this week. My parents' dog. So many other things. My friend leaving was just the final straw.

So here I sit again in the airport crying, begging for strangers to stare at me. And I just don't give a damn.

doctor's orders

I had some work to do, so I dropped my mom off a the hospital and stopped by a Charbucks to use theWiFi. I did my work and grabbed some coffee for my mom, then headed back to the hospital.

I started to walk into my grandma's room and stopped dead in my tracks. The room was empty. Not only that, but the bed was stripped clean of sheets. My heart caught. I spun around to the nurses station, panic written on my face.

The nurse said I just missed them. Where did they go? Is everything alright? Yes, she just went to have a "pick" put in.

I breathed. Finally. Even though I had no idea what that was or why she might need it. At least they were doing something. Hopefully something that might help.

She's better. Well, that's relative. She's definitely better than last weekend. But there are still ups and downs.

At least this weekend she was eating and insisting she had to get home to see her dog. I think her improvement has had a lot to do with her visitors. To some degree it's been that all five of us grandkids and both her daughters have visited, my mom every day. But mostly I think it's been her four-legged visitor.

Every time we bring her dog up, her face lights up. Her dog is scared senseless in the hospital, but the brightening in my grandma's mood is worth a little nervousness in the dog, and dirty looks from some of the nurses. Besides, the doggie visits are doctor's orders.

looking forward

It was just a fifteen minute phone call, but it reminded me of why we're friends. Despite the weirdness that once existed between us. He gets me, I get him. And we make each other laugh.

Tonight I desparately needed a laugh. And he definitely delivered. And got me looking forward to something again. We got each other excited with our planning and scheming.

I can't wait until our trip. It will be relaxing. It will be fun. It will be somewhere other than here. But mostly it will be with my good friend.

my own bed

I miss TheDog. I miss my friends. I miss my own bed. I miss the boy, even, sometimes.

I couldn't do this for long. The living in a hotel thing. I'm just not made that way. I like my own house. My own bed.

As fun as revisiting college life has been, I'm ready for reality. Ready to go to work every morning. Ready to walk TheDog every night.

Ready to watch tv on my couch. I turned on the news last night and realized it was the first time in three weeks, I had done so. The only other tv I've watched has been the basketball game I turned on for my grandma.

I'd always thought it would be fun to have a consulting job where I traveled. It maybe would have been. But not now. Now I like my boring, stable life.

I'm looking forward to getting home after keeping my promise to my grandma this weekend. I'll get three whole nights in my own bed before it's time to pack up again.

At least this time it will be for fun, even if it is with work people.

stranger's tears

Tears spilled from my eyes as my extremely overpriced airport purchase* blared hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright.

I wasn't sure I wanted tomorrow to come. Not if it meant that day was the last I'd get to see and talk to my grandma.

I was so intently listening to the music that I didn't even realize half the people around were staring at me. I looked a mess. I hadn't slept for more than a few hours in days. And now I was softly crying in a crowded public place. I'm sure I looked the part of the loon.

I packed up my laptop and grabbed a drink before I sat back down, far from where I had been. After a bit a nice woman sitting near me struck up a conversation. She said I looked a bit sad.

That's when the tears really started. She listened as I told her about my grandma and how close we were. She told me about her dad passing away this time last year. And teared up a little herself.

She made me feel less loony. She understood how mad it made me that everytime I told someone my grandma wasn't doing well they asked how old she was. As if being 91 means it's alright that she's not doing well right now.

Sure she's lived a long, great life. But she's still here. She's still with it. She still plays go fish, or something like it, with her grand kids. She's still hanging on, and I'm not ready to let her give up just yet.

My airport friend gave me a hug as we boarded the plane. We wished each other well. The kindness of complete strangers never ceases to astound me.

* Over-priced, but truly incredible!

go fish

My cousin, my sister and I sat around the rolling tray in my grandma's hospital room, while my brother looked up the rules. She wanted to play cards with her grand kids, so that's what we did.

My mom and my aunt smiled to themselves watching us. I smiled, too. The best part of the game was none of us could remember how to play go fish. So, we sat there and laughed. And made it up as we went along.

This was how I want to remember my grandma, not the frail, crying woman I saw when I got there Friday night. Not the woman in pain who hugged me tight, said she loved me, and looked into my eyes and said goodbye this morning. It was the finality in the way she said it that brought tears to my eyes.

I replied, I love you very much! And I’ll see you Saturday!

Now, I just have to find a flight, so I can keep that promise.

living out of a suitcase

I got home, unpacked and re-packed. I head south tomorrow. I talked to my grandma tonight. She sounded slightly better, but far from good.

As soon as I get back I leave straight from the airport to go back north. One day I'll get to see TheDog again.

But for now, I'm going to go visit the most amazing woman I know.

not good

I can't concentrate. At all. And now is when I really have to. This is it. I'm up. My work-a-holic-ness over the past few years culminates tomorrow and next week.

But, as it seems to go, life always gets in the way. Or maybe just remind you what is really important. At least what should be.

It sure isn't work. It's not even my friends' and the boy's complaints that I haven't been around enough.

What's most important is family. And being there when they need you. And right now I have to find a way to fly south to be with my grandma, before it's too late. Be there for my mom.

She called me crying tonight. She talked to my grandma's regular doctor. He didn't sugar coat it like the others had.

I can't bear to think of my grandma withering away in a hospital. Not the strong, independent woman I love. I can't bear to think of my mom having to deal with it all alone. But there they are.

My sister had surgery today, so she can't go down until Friday. I can't go. But I will. Some things have to be more important than work.

take the dog to Mardi Gras

There is something seriously wrong with my life when the only way I had a clue what the "ft" reminder on my calendar meant was through some late-night bloglines perusing.
(Thanks, Wordnerd and J.)

I was relieved but admittedly a little sad when I realized what it meant. Relieved that it wasn't something important that I'd spaced in my stress-induced forgetfulness. Sad because I got no reminder from anyone else.

After spending a few Mardi Gras in New Orleans, the tradition of celebrating Fat Tuesday continued with some of my friends. I even met one of my favorite exes out one ill-advised Fat Tuesday celebration.

Maybe even as recently as last year, my friends* used to send me cute Mardi Gras e-cards on Fat Tuesday. I used to reciprocate. I got nothing this year.

Who am I kidding, my friends also used to remember what I looked like. But I haven't seen most of my friends more than once since before the holidays.

Because I've been holed up in my office/hotel room (for months, it seems), I was really excited to hang out with some friends last Saturday at a friend's birthday bash.

As I was leaving work Saturday evening, I started feeling not quite right. So I called J and S and told them I was skipping dinner so I'd feel better for the party.

After my nap, I actually felt worse, but started getting ready anyway. The boy came over to pick me up, and we were about to walk out the door, when it got much, much worse.

So instead of praying to the porcelain goddess after too many hurricanes, as perhaps I've done a Mardi Gras weekend or two, I was doing so because of the nasty flu.

And my friends got no reminder of what I look like.

Happy Mardi Gras!! I have to go find some silly e-cards, now. And maybe a hurricane.

*The same friends who are the only people that would get the title to this post, who unfortunately don't read this.

not a single thing

I don't have any words. I don't know what to do. And I can always figure out something to say or do.

My dad called me today. In the middle of the day. He only ever does that with really great news, really bad news, or when he's really bored. Since there wasn't any good news potential, my hope was that it was boredom.

Thinking maybe he'd heard from my sister we had a small break in work hell because some people got a holiday today. Hoping he'd called just to chat since my mom's gone. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.

He called to tell me my mom took my grandma to the ER last night.

I should fill in some details. I've left them out because I hoped if I didn't make a big deal out of it, then it wasn't one.

My grandma fell down a little over a week ago, but she insisted to all of us when we called that she was fine. Apparently, that wasn't the truth. My mom got a frantic phone call from one of my grandma's friends last week.

My mom was on the first flight. She's been helping out, taking her to the doc, for x-rays and MRIs. But she seemed to be doing worse.

When I talked to my mom last night, she had planned to swing by the ER this evening after the doctor's appointment if he thought it was a good idea, just to have an IV put in. My mom was convinced my grandma wasn't getting enough fluids.

My grandma half-fell out of bed yesterday evening, and my mom couldn't lift her back in. So she called 911, and off they went to the ER.

They got her some fluids and did some tests. They found some issues with her blood work, so they decided to keep her for a few days, to keep an eye on her. After five or so hours in the ER, they were going to take her upstairs.

That's when things went from bad to worse. My grandma apparently lost it. Screaming obscenities. (She never swears.) Telling my mom she wasn't her daughter anymore. Telling the nurses and docs to get out of her house.

So not only is my grandma in excrutiating pain, and apparently losing it mentally, if only because of the pain meds, but my mom now feels terrible. Wondering if she's doing the right thing, having her stay in the hospital.

I assured her she was. But what good does a phone call of assurance do. I want to fly down to be there for my grandma, for my mom. But I can't. I can't get out of work right now. There's absolutely no way.

I'm scared. Really scared. And I can't do a single thing about any of it.

the c word

I was talking to friends the other night, and started to say that weeks holed up in a hotel in northern Colorado could be interesting because some of my colleagues* are c....

One friend piped in with "Cute guys?"

I laughed, and explained, that no, I was about to say characters.

And are they ever. But there are a few cute guys as well.

Unfortunately the boy overheard the first conversation and keeps asking who I'm going to dinner with. Who's room I'm working in. Who I'm hanging out with.

Explaining I'm working over 14 hours a day, dinner is all about work, and there is no "hanging out" doesn't seem to be getting through.

Jealousy can be cute, when it's minor. And I can't tell if he's just kidding when I talk to him, or if he seriously is jealous. But I don't have time to deal with it now. But he's not helping my mild curiosity about some of the guys.

* For lack of a better word, and because I'm feeling like being vague to drive the vague-police crazy.

weird nostalgia

I feel like I'm back in college in a way. Like I'm in the dorms. Staying up late "studying." Getting up early and grabbing cereal out of strange plastic dispensers. Everyone gathering in the "study room" to eat pizza.

The only thing that's missing is going for a midnight run around the track. Not because I don't desperately need the outlet to vent some frustrations, but mostly because it's still snowing.

In some ways it's worse than college, though. At least the engineering center had women's restrooms on the same floor as classrooms. In the building we're in every day, the few of us women only have to descend three flights to use the facilities.

I didn't even realize it was Valentine's Day until the group went to grab beer and pizza. Shortly after walking in the door, we realized getting a few pizzas to go was our only option because of all the classy guys taking their dates to the pizza joint to show them they care.

I did get to briefly talk to the boy, but it just made me sad that our first Valentine's Day together, we spent apart. He at least had the company of his dog. I had to spend what little of it I wasn't working in a hotel room, alone.

Hopefully all of you had a happy Valentine's Day. I have to live vicariously through someone.

little surprises

If you give them a chance, people will usually surprise you. And usually just about when you've given up on them.

He had mentioned once upon a time that he didn't like Valentine's Day. It was a fabrication by corporate America simply to make money.

I figured I didn't have to worry about making time to hang out with him to celebrate such a "useless" holiday. Particularly after he cancelled our plans Saturday, claiming he was just too tired to grab dinner.

I admit, I was a little disappointed. It's the first Valentine's Day in forever that I've had a nice guy to take me out. I decided it wouldn't be that big of a deal, as I'm heading out of town for most of the week for work, and will be spending the actual evening in my hotel room.

But while we were taking advantage of the beautiful weather, walking the dogs in the park, he told me he was taking me to dinner for Valentine's Day. To one of my long-ago-mentioned favorite restaurants. And early, since I have to leave town.

I was pleasantly surprised. Now if I can just get all my work done, get packed, and still have time to relax and enjoy dinner before I leave.

mountaintop inspiration

Those changes I was referring too? Not a new job. (I actually like mine, despite being swamped.) Not a new boy, yet.

It's my look that needed a little update. The haircut may not be a drastic change, but the "face lift" is a little more noticeable, and an improvement, I think. Hopefully you all will agree*.

Some of these changes have been a long time coming. Some have not. But all got a little kick in the pants last weekend.

I was standing on the top of the mountain, wondering to myself how I let things get this far. What had possibly possessed me to wait until February to make it up for my first day of the season. Why hadn't I been before.

There are very few things that make me feel as serene as standing on top of a mountain with boards on my feet and a bit of white stuff below them.

Right then and there inspiration hit me. I had great intentions with my resolutions, but crazy work deadlines and cold, snowy weather kept me from addressing many of them. No more.

This week, every day, I took some time for myself. Some time to get a haircut. Some time to do things I love to do.

Ski. Watch a little football game with great friends. Walk the dog. Enjoy the sunshine. Be a little creative. And a wonderful long visit with my good friends and their new baby.

Hopefully, the change in attitude will remain, even after the "new" look fades to old.

* Just know, I'm still tweaking a little. Working on links, and getting the "of the week" stuff up and running.

a brother's love

Today's e-mail exchange with my brother:

Brother: [link to video at bottom of post]

Me: haha

Brother: SOOO TRUE!!!
How are you?

Me: Ridiculously busy... and you?

Brother: DITTO!!!!!!!

And The Boy thinks it's just me, he doesn't understand my entire family is full of workaholics. At least we all have a (warped) sense of humor to get us by.

ch-ch-ch-changes

Don't be alarmed if things change a bit. Sometime soon. I've been working on them forever, and finally got a respite to (hopefully) finish them up.

out of the loop

I was getting on the bus on the way to a far-off-campus party with my friends and their dates, when he walked past. He saw me and ducked his head.

I had thought he was my friend. A close enough friend that I could ask him to be my date without him getting all weird about it. When I asked, he had answered that he was sorry he couldn't go, he was leaving town. Apparently not.

And even though he was only a friend, I still got that crushed sensation. Maybe because he was a friend. Because someone I considered to be a friend couldn't just tell me the truth.

I got that sensation again tonight. Looking at a friend of a friend's site I found out a guy I dated is now hanging out with her. Until tonight, I'd thought she was my friend, too.

I have no claims on him. We have remained friends, but not that close. I just would have liked to have known.

One of them should have told me. The boy, who less than a month ago made me an interesting proposition. Or the FoF. Or at the very least, my friend. She's the one who introduced me to him, surely she knew they were hanging out.

I actually think they would make an interesting pair. Interesting in a good way. But I hate that feeling. The feeling that everyone knows something I don't. Where I am the joke.

shoebox

There are little things everywhere that spark memories. Bring back feelings of nostalgia. The mountain I see out my office window everyday, about 60 miles away, reminds me of home. My real, growing-up home.

Seeing a ticket stub from a nearly forgotten event, reminds me of friends from that time. Of good times. Great conversations. Laughter. Love.

Hearing certain songs brings back memories, too. An entire segment of my life that I can remember more clearly than I remember the last month.

One such song just sparked a few. I remember sitting in my sister's house, listening to her roommate's cd, while I worked on her computer, since mine was in my apartment with my crazy roommate.

It was my first year of grad school. Luckily during the roommate saga, my sister was still in school, and lived a few minutes away. Her roommates were kind enough to let me crash while I figured out my living situation.

At the time, I was head over heels for my best friend. He was not, then. Yet, again. I met many of my now closest friends in grad school. But he knew me best. He understood me like none of the others did at the time.

I miss those days, sometimes. Miss his friendship. Not enough to want to go back. But definitely enough so that when I look through the shoebox of memories from then , I smile. Lies or not.

out of the blue

He insisted I stop by, and he'd make dinner. His logic was that I had to eat anyway. He apparently doesn't realize that dinner in my world lately means lunch leftovers eaten at my desk.

I thought about it, very briefly, and decided a home-cooked meal sounded much better than half an old sandwich.

We talked while he finished cooking. But before dinner, he went into the back room and came out with roses and a card.

I thanked him. Then, after quickly wracking my brain for a date of significance I may have missed, I asked what they were for. He said they were just because.

The only other flowers he'd ever given me were when I'd had some hardware put in my ankle. It has been months, so I just assumed he wasn't the flower-giving kind of guy.

I love getting flowers randomly. And they are beautiful. But I have to admit, the out-of-the-blueness makes me wonder if there may actually be a reason.

familiar feeling

After my third extra beverage of the day, I started feeling a bit ill. I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and pull the covers over my head.

I was jittery, yet sick to my stomach. I popped outside to get a little fresh air and grabbed some water.

It didn't help. The feeling was familiar, yet far away in the recesses of my memory.

I couldn't place it at first. But when I started craving not just caffeine, but Mountain Dew, it hit me.

It's that middle-of-finals feeling. Only this set of "tests" won't be over until mid-April.

The worst part is my friends and the boy aren't right there with me, experiencing the same hellish stress.

Instead, they're planning happy hours and going to parties. Hitting the slopes and the yoga mat. Planning warm weather get-aways to Mexico and interesting trips to Europe.

Here I am, stuck sitting at my desk, just day-dreaming about a relaxing evening walking TheDog then sitting down to catch up on 24. At least I have my DVR and a trip in May to look forward to.

swirling darkness

There's something swirling around in the darkness. Whispering something. But I can't understand what it's trying to convey.

I wake up, breathless, anxious.

My dreams have been vivid lately. I get the distinct feeling there's something I'm supposed to be taking from them. But I barely remember them once I awake. Only a few brilliant pictures or the slightest sense of something important remains.

I've tried to focus on remembering just as I wake up. Tried writing them down. None of this helps. As soon as sleep drifts away and consciousness drifts in, the dream is gone.

There only persists an underlying feeling of unrest. That something is not right. Now if I could only figure out what exactly that might be.

one day in the sun

It was relaxing. I enjoyed talking with my grandma and her friends. I even got to read outside for a bit, enjoying the sun.

The natives thought me crazy for walking around with shorts on when it was barely 60 degrees. But it was balmy compared to here.

And although most people wouldn't consider a trip to a retirement community, with the most exciting occurence being walking the dog, a great trip. I definitely do.

Despite being delayed over two hours coming home. Despite having to work while there. A short two day visit with my grandma was just what I needed.

Now it's time to get back to the snow and the impending avalanche that I'm certain will be my inbox.

over the river

Yes, to grandmother's house I go. I'm off for a quick visit and (hopefully) a dose of warm weather.

I fenagled an entire afternoon off of work. Impressive? Not really, I'll have over two days of overtime in before I leave.

But despite being required to find a WiFi connection, I'm hoping to take a break from the constant working.

Relax even.

Have interesting conversations with my grandma. And perhaps even read a book that has nothing to do with my job.

no complaints

Stress takes its toll. Lines around eyes deepen, circles under them darken. Skin starts to resemble the dusty ash look of a statue. Friends start giving that are-you-sure-you're-alright-you-look-terrible look.

When I'm stressed I start out looking worse than I feel. I can thrive on sleep deprivation and too much office time. But eventually the general unsettled feeling and blah-ness of the stress far surpasses any possible appearance of such. That's when stress comes pouring out in my attitude.

That's when everyone around should beware.

Friends and the boy try to help. They tell me to relax. To take it easy. To go for a swim. To switch jobs. These harmless (good) suggestions bring out my frustration.

Yes, I know I'm stressed. Yes, I know I'm grouchy. And yes, I know I look terrible (and feel not-so-great, too). These don't need to be pointed out to me.

And yes something needs to change. But things have to be done. There's no one else right now that can do them. And as my boss has said, I can sleep when I'm dead.

Besides, I do actually like the projects I'm working on, and I am taking a "day off" this week. So what am I complaining about.

what I'm looking for

I work too much. This I know. But when he called me out on it, it really bothered me.

Mostly because the truth cuts. But also because he's supposed to understand. He's supposed to be supportive.

He talks on and on about his job. I ask questions. I'm supportive. But he barely pays attention when I talk about mine. And, of course I think mine is more interesting.

Maybe it's the stereotypical thing. Maybe I'm supposed to be the one waiting to talk to him at the end of the day just to ask him how his day was.

The problem is, I'm not stereotypical. I refuse to be. If that is who he's looking for, then I guess his search is not over.

Not that I need him to be waiting to ask me how my day was. But after he asks, he could at least pretend to be interested in the answer.

I don't think the "how was your day" should be the same as a rhetorical "how are you" when passing by an acquaintance.

Work is a big part of my life right now. If he can't understand that, or take the littlest bit of interest in what interests me, then maybe my search isn't over, either.

fabulous

Any time I mention to my guy friends that I am heading out for Girls' Night, they get a smile on their faces. It's almost as if I can see the cartoon bubble pop up over their heads with their visions of my friends and I pillow-fighting in our lingerie. And every time, I have to laugh.

The reality doesn't quite match their visions. But any guy might blush at some of the topics of conversation that get discussed over wine and cheese flights when the girls get together.

We stayed out far too late for a "school night." We usually do.

One of my friends who is relatively new to the group commented to me after a few too many glasses of wine that I have fabulous friends. I responded with my own too-many-glasses-of-wine brazenness, that of course I do, after all, I'm fabulous. We both giggled.

The evening was full of tales of guys and jobs. Flirting and free-drink receiving. The occasional serious discussion of a problem or politics. All in all, it was an interesting and entertaining evening.

As I crawled under the covers with my red-wine haze nowhere near evaporating, I realized my friend was very smart indeed, and completely right. I definitely have fabulous friends.

Joey

The sunset just brought tears back to my eyes. And with them memories.

It was a beautiful evening. We were sitting upstairs on the deck at one of our favorite bars. There were many of us. The reason behind that, I can't remember. But much of the rest of the evening I will never forget.

My old roommate insisted on buying rounds for my current roommate, me and herself. We weren't exactly what one might call sober.

We first met Joey downstairs as we were walking through the bar. Several of us remarked about how adorable Joey was.

Our night was filled with many drinks, great friends and laughter. Somewhere near the end of the evening Joey came up to us again. Rubbed against my leg. I was smitten.

My roommate and I took Joey home.

We kept Joey for the rest of the year and a half that we lived together.

When I moved back "home," my roommate kept Joey, mostly because I was not sure exactly where I'd be living.

She's had many medical issues ever since we found her in her namesake bar that night. But we (and mostly my roommate and her husband) have done our best to make sure she stays healthy and comfortable. She chose well that night, years ago, on that crowded deck.

I have visited Joey many times since college. I just got to see her when I visited my old roommate in October. Pet her. Play with her. I talked to her on the phone today, and she purred for me.

I had to talk to her today. Twice. To say goodbye. They have decided to put my our beloved cat to sleep. Her health had taken a very steep downturn.

Despite being at work, I couldn't help crying when I talked to her.

How do you say goodbye to your cat over the phone? How can you not cry when you know it's the last time you'll ever get to talk to her? How do you express gratitude to your friends for taking care of her for so long, for being brave enough to know when it's time?

Dear little Joey, I'll miss you. Terribly. You sweet, crazy, loving, biting, fluffy ball of white and black. I will always treasure our too-short time together. I love you very much. Goodbye my friend.

oh, Murphy

Addendum to Murphy's Law (of my life): If it can go wrong, it will, and expensively.

Car is running again. But Car needed more than double the amount of things replaced then I'd thought. Which of course was more than doubly expensive.

If the foot and a half high ruts on the sidestreets don't get taken care of soon by Mr. Hickenlooper or Mother Nature, I'm going to have to buy an SUV. A really old, crappy one, because after fixing my front suspension yesterday because of the ridiculously rutty roads, I won't be able to afford anything else.

I am happy to have Car back.

Although I only had the rental for a few hours yesterday, it reminded me how much I love Car.

Yes, I realize that's a little odd. If only Car had slightly higher clearance, our love affair would never end.

it's not you, it's me

He's not going. But it has not a thing to do with me. It's because the opportunity wasn't great for his career. Staying will be better for him. And of course, his dog.

Alright then. At least I got a glimpse of where I stand without having to actually push the issue.

Not that I'm giving up. I'm not. But it's good to know. And I'm just researching things, afterall.

comfortable

I thought things had been going great. No major disasters since the sewer pipe incident. Then I get the one, two punch.

My car is being extremely persnickety. Not starting randomly. And it's nothing electrical. It never has had a problem before. I'm hoping it will be an inexpensive fix. But I know with my track record it likely won't be.

A friend joked with me after the pipe incident that I should start my own disaster relief fund. I laughed at the time, I'm not laughing anymore.

And to make my Monday even more Monday-ish, when he picked me up from work (yes, because my car wouldn't start), he told me he may be leaving. For several months. And his only reason for maybe not leaving? His dog.

His reason maybe answered many of my non-spoken questions. Maybe it's time to ask them, maybe the answers don't matter anymore.

Just when things started to seem good, comfortable, everything starts to become the opposite.

three

Today is the day two of my best friends were born. Both of them were college roommates of mine. Both of them now have their own families. Both have been amazing friends to me.

Thinking about them today reminded me of college, of how we all met.

One of them (R) was my first college roommate. The other (K) lived a couple doors down the hall. We all became good friends within the first few months of school.

After two years on campus, the three of us moved to a two-bedroom apartment together. And even though R and I had shared a dorm room for two years, the two of them decided they'd let me have my own room because I supposedly stayed up studying later, and had more stuff. I always wondered if it was really because R was sick of me, but tried to not let it bother me.

K and I swam together that year and the next, so we got our quality friend time in. R and I spent plenty of time together, as well. But often I felt like the odd man out. The third wheel.

And it wasn't just with them. I always seemed to have very, very good friends. Best friends even. But never just one. Never a true best friend.

I sometimes wonder if it's me. If something keeps me from letting people get close enough to become my best friend. If I'll always be the third.

run in

she stood by the counter, waiting for her drink, chatting with the man behind the counter. she felt his warmth envelope her.

after he released his hug, she turned to face him. they grinned at each other and exchanged hellos before hugging properly.

they talked and caught up on each others' lives, as much as they could in the few minutes they had. they were both busy. life and the weather seemed to get in the way of their plans to meet on purpose. as they parted ways, they promised they'd try to find time to grab a drink or coffee together soon.

as she drove away, memories of their friendship were on continuous video loop in her head. maybe all wasn't as it was supposed to be. maybe they had both been kidding themselves for months. what if fate, knowing they couldn't seem to do it for themselves, kept haphazardly throwing them into each others' paths for a reason.

acceptance

I wasn't looking forward to it. There were a million things I should have been doing instead. A million things I would have rather been doing. But when your mother insists, you politely put on your smile and go.

Dinner before was wonderful. With Dungeness crab sandwiches and seared ahi, you can't go wrong in my opinion. As we settled into our seats, we remarked that at least the meal was great.

As the curtain opened we were prepared to be unimpressed. As the curtain opened again for the curtain call, we were all three on our feet smiling sincerely and clapping.

It was lighthearted on the surface. Funny. Many sexual innuendos I thought my mom would blush at, but she laughed along with my sister and I.

At it's core was a message. One of acceptance, of open-mindedness.

Too many times recently I've had to shake my head. Too many people refuse to listen to others' points of view. Refuse to put themselves in another's shoes. Refuse to open their minds a crack. Refuse to believe that another's beliefs may not be so different. That another may not be so different.

It was a fantastic night out with my mom and sister. One that made me thankful I can discuss nearly anything with them. I'm certainly not saying they always (or even often) agree with me, but at least they listen.

resolute

In reflecting on the past year, I realized there were a few things that could stand to change. Although I’m more-or-less happy with where things are, I know there is definitely room for improvement.

I always say I never make New Year’s Resolutions, but I do. Just not out loud, and certainly not in writing. My first resolution covers that, and explains why I’m writing my first real list of resolutions.

1. Hold myself more accountable. (Hence this list.) I tend to shift blame for certain things to other people and incidents. This has to be the first in the list so the others can follow.


2. Get better organized. (Note the better.) If you knew me, you’d know that organization of things is definitely not my forte.


3. Keep in touch better. (Again, the better.) I haven’t been terrible about this, but there’s definitely room for improvement. And with so many of my great friends moving away last year, this one is necessary.


4. Get back in better shape. (There’s a theme going, isn’t there?) My broken ankle derailed all delusions of fitness I had last summer. And it’s time to stop blaming my pain on broken bones and car accidents.


5. Work hard, but take more time off to play hard, too. (TheDog and the boy insisted on this one.)


6. Read, write, throw and paint more. (Yes this includes writing here and reading all of your blogs, sorry I’ve been absent lately.)


7. Relax more!

I know people say that set goals are what one should focus on when making resolutions. I disagree. At least when it comes to my own resolutions.

I know myself. I know I’ll fail at all of these on occasion.

And if I set a specific goal, and fail. I’ll quit.

If I simply say I’ll get better and do things more, then each day can be a new day to work on every one of these resolutions. And all are things I can continue working on, even after 2007 is over.

Here’s to a more better 2007!

a simple turn of the page

It's simply another page turned. But this page always seems more meaningful than the others. It's when not only the month changes, but the year, as well.

Another twelve months has flown by, particularly the last week or so. It's time again for what I've decided will be an annual year in review.

A year ago at this time I was celebrating the start of the new year with family and friends, determined to make 2006 better than 2005 had been.

In some ways, I'd say I've succeeded, in others, well, not so much. But the last year has definitely brought many changes and along with them, many memories...

Flying to various places to help my best friends celebrate the end of their singledom, the upcoming arrival of their little ones, two Cali weddings and one in Austin.

Ski trips with college friends, work friends and family.

Saying goodbye to far too many friends who moved too far away.

Two trips to the east coast, to visit my many friends who live there and do some site-seeing.

Meeting two amazing blogging friends on my travels.

Yet another year when an ER visit in the beginning of August was necessary.

And yet another year with five first kisses, some that turned into more, some that didn't. And one that seems to still be going.

Many days and nights spent relaxing and having fun with friends and family.

Continuing to write, throw pottery, test out my not-so-new-anymore camera and finish another triathlon, making more new friends in the process.

Another trip to the south to see friends while listening to good music.

Another year at the beer festival and another, more humorous, run-in with the past.

Taking a boy home with me for a holiday, who, for the first time, wasn't just a friend.

Working too much. Much too much.

And of course many excellent shows including:
BB King, BHTM², the Nadas, Cake, Coldplay, David Gray, Aqualung, Bodeans², Freddy Jones Band, Mike Doughty, Guster², Aimee Mann, Richard Thompson, John Hiatt, Counting Crows, Goo Goo Dolls, Gin Blossoms, Lyle Lovett, the Fray², Chris Isaak, Pearl Jam, Tom Petty, CSNY, DMB, Death Cab, Bruce Cockburn, David Wilcox, Bonnie Raitt, Willie Nelson, Van Morrison, Gomez, Sheryl Crow, John Mayer, Los Lobos, Paul Simon, and of course my friends' bands, many times. (um, yeah, you know about my little problem, right?)

In looking back through the year in posts to find the links above, I realized that although this year wasn't filled with all good things, it was filled with enough great things that made up for the not-so-great. Many of the great things aren't specific events. Many are simple moments, some captured in words (if you want to look through those archives) but many not.

This also made me realize that I wasn't as good about writing as I had hoped I would be at this time last year. So? So, I am going to make that one of my resolutions. Yes, real New Year's resolutions to come.

Hope your 2006 was filled with love and laughter!
Happy New Year!

more white stuff

It's snowing again. It may keep snowing until Sunday.

I love snow. But maybe next time, we could spread it out a little.

Maybe enough so the trash can get picked up out of the alleys. Enough so that the sidestreets don't have foot high ruts of snow on them when it starts dumping again. Enough so that the stores get food in before they run out again.

I'm not really complaining. I do love the snow. And who could complain about two snow days in as many weeks. I just wish snow days were like they used to be. Playing in the snow instead of working inside.

holiday emotions

I thought I'd hear from him on Christmas. I was certain of it. I didn't. I picked up his dog for him today. But he didn't even bother to call to check on her.

It's probably that he's just busy. But this time of year is when I'm never certain about those I'm dating. I get nervous.

People's emotions are all over the place. Mine included. So, all bets are off this time of year.

Besides, I'm always afraid that history may repeat itself, again. The holidays have been the beginning of the end for three of my longest relationships.

Add to that the run-ins, calls and cards from past loves. It's a confusing time of year. People trying to reconnect. To evaluate where they want to be at this time next year.

Dreams. Wishes. Resolutions.

I have mine. He has his. I was beginning to believe they might include each other. Perhaps the silence should be telling.

a little empty

Friends and family gathering together should be what the holidays are about. Celebrating Christmas and the miracle it signifies. Ringing in the New Year with people you love.

This year, many parties with friends helped to make the mood festive despite the snow keeping some away.

My family's Christmas was bittersweet. The table wasn't as full as it usually is. My grandma isn't up to flying, so she wasn't able to join us. My aunt also wasn't feeling up to the trip this year. And for the first time ever, one of my siblings was missing from the Christmas merriment.

We talked to my brother several times on the phone. He seemed sad. A little lonely. It must have been hard for him to spend Christmas with another family. No matter how wonderful they are, it's not the same as being with your own family on Christmas.

My mom and I talked about how lucky we are that we are all close, and this year was the first one of us was not home. Two of us married families that just aren't as close as ours. The third is about to marry one that is.

It's tough for my mom. I tried to help her realize that my brother's fiance's family is just as close as ours. And they'll miss their daughter next year, when they spend Christmas with us.

snowy aftermath

The aftermath of the blizzard is still affecting everything. The snow everywhere is magical. Except for when it causes very unmagical moods.

I spent 3 hours in my car yesterday on what should have been a thirty minute trip. I met one of my good friends for lunch and a movie for her birthday.

We tried to go see Good Shepard, but they hadn't gotten the movie in, because of the storm. We saw The Holiday, instead.

I'm no movie reviewer, but I thought it was cute. But it also worried me. There are many tear-jerking relationship moments in the movie. The only time I cried was when the old guy was honored.* Am I really that cynical?

On my way home I simply needed to stop at the store to get food for the party.

Simple. Ha.

It took me an hour to get to and from the grocery store which is less than a mile from my house. Everyone was trying to get places to finish up holiday shopping postponed by the blizzard, which closed nearly every store.

Once I got to the store, I had to completely reinvent the menu. Most of the shelves were empty and there was very little produce. I hurried around the store, gathering things, and tried to hurry home.

I quickly got ready and started setting the food out as the boy arrived with the wine and beer he had graciously picked up for me.

I was stressed that people would begin arriving and I wouldn't be ready. an hour later I was leisurely drinking in the kitchen with the boy, when the doorbell rang for the first time.

The snow kept at least half of my guests away, but extras showed up who had not made it out of town because of the storm.

It was wonderful to relax with close friends who braved the elements to celebrate the holidays. Now if I can just get my cards written, last few gifts purchased, all of them wrapped and get "home," it will feel like Chrismas.

I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!! Be safe, stay warm!

* Hopefully that was vague enough so as not to give anything away.

digging out

There was a knock on my door yesterday. I opened the door to find S standing there, with my walk completely shoveled behind her.

She asked me if I wanted to go grab coffee. The coffee shop in the neighborhood was open. I said sure, and asked if she had shoveled my walk.

She grinned and said that she had to or she couldn't get to me to drag me out for coffee.

I took a break from my work, bundled up, and grabbed TheDog and her leash.

We walked in the middle of the street along with the rest of our neigbors. Everyone milling about, as there was nowhere else to go.

There were people snowshoeing and cross-country skiing down the middle of the street. The only time we see so many of our neighbors is during crazy blizzards.

And I love that one of my neighbors is also one of my best friends. It makes being snowed in so much more fun.

I bought her coffee as a thanks for shoveling my walk, and I kept thanking her. She said she was happy to, as she knew I shouldn't be shoveling, and with friends coming over the next night, it needed to be done before everyone walked on it and it turned to ice.

After our coffee outing I got back to work. An hour and a half later S called. She had just returned to her house, all of a block and a half away. She had stopped along the way to help other neighbors shovel out cars and walks. That's just the kind of person S is.

Later that night the boy was able to dig his way out to celebrate early Christmas. He brought his shovel to help me dig out, and was surprised to find the entire sidewalk already done. I finished decorating my tree, finally, while he cooked dinner.

After exchanging gifts, he said he'd be back tomorrow to help me get ready for the party. It's looking as though I may have found a good one.
 

blizzard

Be careful what you wish for. It's still snowing. It will be for a little while, yet. My friends who were supposed to be on a plane right now, can't fly in until Christmas night.

It's beautiful. But as they (whoever they are) say, there can be too much of a good thing.

There's about two feet of snow on the ground. (That's a 6 foot fence. Yes, the drifts are that high, just in my tiny backyard.)

No one is going much of anywhere. I can't get out to pick up my last few gifts for people. And I can't even shovel my walk. My shovel was stolen off my porch.

And on top of it all, my furnace is being persnickety.

I was supposed to have a few friends over tomorrow. If they can get here. If I can get out to get any food or drink for anyone. May have to make it a bring your own food, beverage, and warmth party.

There are a few silver linings.

We will have a white Christmas. There's no way all this snow can melt by then.

I get to work at home today. Which means, I can take a break and decorate my tree.

TheDog loves playing in the snow. That's her little path beside the table.

I have an excuse not to shovel my walk.

I do love the snow. I love being stuck in my house. It just seems the timing is really bad for people, particularly holiday travelers just trying to get home who are stuck here or not able to get here.

I hope everyone stays warm and gets to their destinations quickly and safely.
 

let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

I'm giddy with holiday cheer. Despite having to work through the weekend. Despite not even having my tree decorated, yet. Despite still having to buy a couple of gifts.

I haven't slept much lately. I've been working far too much. And that won't end anytime soon.

But it's snowing. Really, really snowing.

And the white flakes falling from the sky make me happy. Anytime of year. And particularly if it means we may have a white Christmas.

Just what I've been dreaming of.
 

as it should be

she almost bailed on their plans. she told herself he wouldn’t care. he’d done the same to her before. but when she told him she might not be able to see him, he protested. helped her to see that she had to make the time to see him. she wasn’t too difficult to persuade.

his friends found her and took her over to him. he insisted she sit close to him. they both seemed comfortable. happy with the non-verbal agreement that had been reached.

the drinks seemed stronger, the food seemed more satisfying, even the music seemed more melodious. everything seemed just right. as if destiny had finally showed them what they were meant to mean to each other.

when he dropped her off later, he gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. she couldn’t stop smiling. everything was just as it should be.

gather near to us

Sometimes insistent friends are the best ones.

Despite my complaining that I had too much to do. Despite my insistence that my grinchyness would not make for good company. Despite my desire to sleep for two days instead of going out. He knew the perfect amount of harrassment that would make me reconsider.

It was more than fun. It was exactly what I needed.

Listening to incredible music, surrounded by good friends. Easy-going friends who decide breakfast at midnight is time better spent than sleep. Friends who make you laugh and remind you that life is not about work and caving pipes. Friends who make your troubles seem miles away.
 

Santa Baby

Just slip a 90 foot PVC pipe under my tree. Wait. That may not be taken quite right.

What I mean is, can your elves lay some pipe for me? No, that's worse.

Could you leave a good line in my stocking? Please?

Otherwise, it looks like all of my savings and any hope for a vacation from my work nightmare are going to disappear more quickly than holiday treats at my office.

At this point, saying my holiday spirit is down the drain is just too literal and too easy.
 

in need of a Christmas miracle

It wasn't the inexpensive solution. My hoping hadn't worked.

And now I'm imagining the worst. Although I realize it could just be the slightly pricier solution, what has me worried is that it could also be the expensive, price-of-a-new-car solution.

Realizing this really upset me. More than it should have. So I made phone calls to calm me down.

My sister said she was sorry, then said she had to get back to eating her dinner. My parents weren't home. He talked to me for a while, then drove over, and took me to dinner. Just because he thought I sounded like I needed cheering up.

It worked.

Now I'm hoping again. Hoping it's just the slightly pricier solution. Can I be so bold as to request some more crossed fingers?
 

he's a mean one

I know. I sound Grinchy. I'm not. Really.

Everything has just been crazy. Work and everything else.

My weekend was filled with everything from cookie baking to a play, gift shopping to a musical. I even fit in a relaxing chat with some friends over tea. I know it sounds fun. It was, for the most part.

The grumpiness started to sneak in because I'm sleep-deprived. The boring, too-long play, hours of shopping with my grumpy sister, and feeling guilty for not working didn't help.

Then the real issue came up. I'm not as eloquent about it as Pete, but I'm hoping the solution will be of the inexpensive variety. Tomorrow I'll know. Cross your fingers for me.
 

clone me, please

Sorry for being cryptic and vague and not answering comments. I haven't had time for anything lately.

I can't talk about it. Because I don't really talk about work here. But it feels as if I'm trying to tread water with my legs and arms bound.

I'll just tell you I'm annoyed and beyond swamped.

So, if anyone can send me a clone. One who will do my work so I can go decorate my poor bare tree, write holiday cards, send out my holiday mix cd, and just relax and enjoy the season, I'd really appreciate it. Really.
 

hunting in the snow

I was first to get out of the Jeep. The rough road had made them anxious. The new tunes hadn't even calmed them down. I hurried to open the door for them.

They bounded out of the car. They love the snow. Running. Making snow angels. Eating the snow.

I was worried she might not make it this year. She doesn't get around as well as she used to. But TheDog acted more her friend's age than her own. And she picked the (nearly) perfect tree.

We carried it back, and threw it on top. My sister and her husband did the same with theirs. I dried off the dogs and we headed home.

It was a short excursion this year. But with our increasingly busy lives, that's all we had time for.
 

worth waiting in the cold for

As we hurried to get in line, I slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing hurt, except my pride.

I was only hurrying because he was. And he was only hurrying becuase I had made him anxious, by telling him I'm usually in line earlier.

I tried to be cool, but I was a little concerned about being late. I have all of the others. And I couldn't miss one. The tradition had to continue.

My worrying was for nothing. We were plenty early. And the prize at the end of the line was well worth the cold wait we had to endure.

We warmed up after gathering our spoils over breakfast with some fellow cold-braving friends. Then we hurried to meet my sister and her husband for the annual "hunting" adventure in the snow.
 

finding what you're not looking for

I was looking for something specific. I searched and searched. But what I found wasn't at all what I was looking for.

I read the entire thing anyway. Every back and forth banter about the "truth." Every admission. Every joke. And I laughed. And I sighed.

Yes, I admit, I save old e-mails. Not all of them. I'm not that neurotic. But most of the possibly important ones. And those from guys I have liked, or might possibly like in the future. (Wait, did I just say something about not being neurotic?)

I have to admit it scared me in a way. The back and forth. The memory of how things were, of how they turned out.

We were really great friends. I had hoped for more. It wasn't to be. We're still good friends. I don't want anything more anymore.

But I do. Just not with him. The exchange of heartfelt words. The banter. It reminded me of what might be missing now.

I just wish I knew if it might really be out there. All of it. The friendship, the laughter, and more.

It's not missing, completely. It's just completely different. More in some ways. Less in others.

Perhaps the important thing is it's enough. Right now.
 

glitter and glue

Every seat at the table was filled. And then some. After catching up on recent tales, filling our wine glasses, and sampling the snacks, we settled in.

One of the girls new to the group asked how it all started. I told the tale of our roller-blading and dinner group. Three of us, each taking a turn cooking dinner after our roller-blading excursion.

After my car accident, we moved on from roller-blading to other adventures. Movie nights, new locales for dinner and wine tastings. And the group grew.

The core of the group has since spread around the country, but others have joined. Friends and friends of friends. Each with their interesting tales and talents.

The pretty bows, the painted trees, the disco balls. Some were coveted, some were copied. Some were sent to be auctioned off for a good cause.

As my last friend left, she said she was sorry about the glitter everywhere. I told her I don’t mind.

Finding a random piece of glitter a few months from now just reminds me of the night. Of all of us gathered around a table, laughing and smiling, with glitter on our noses and eyebrows. A reminder of the glue that is our friendship.
 

snowflakes and twinkling lights

Watching the snowflakes fall, watching the lights twinkle always helps to get me into the holiday spirit. Relaxes me.

On cold, snowy nights like tonight, I would prefer the twinkling lights were those on my own tree. But since the tree-cutting adventure hasn't happened yet this year, I'll have to be content with the lights twinkling outside the coffee shop window.

But the feeling of relaxation isn't coming. I'm already over-extended and stressed-out, yet, have barely finished up the leftover turkey.

The holiday season has only really been in full swing for less than a week. But since I'm one of those crazy people who thrives on stress, I'm trying to pack even more things into my too-busy schedule.

Around the craziness that will be my job until Spring, I'm fitting in various parties, shows, and friend time.

And of course there are the traditions. The tree-cutting and decorating. The line-waiting for the cd* in the frosty early morning air. The cookie decorating and exchange. The required shopping trip with my mom and sister.

And on, and on.

Yet this year, I should be less stressed. I'm nearly done with my gift gathering. I have all of my cards, I just need to start writing them. I even had the icicle lights hung before the snow fell.

But, I'm more stressed. Work is much crazier than most years. There are even more holiday parties, because of the boy. Plus my mom is insisting on "pre-Christmas" dinner, since my brother won't be home for Christmas.

I'm going to do my best not to let the stress ruin my holiday spirit this year. If I could only take the falling snow and twinkling lights everywhere I go for the next month, I should be fine.

* If you know me or live nearby, you probably understand. If you don't, well, it probably wouldn't make sense even if I did explain.
 

turkey

Of course it was chaotic. Family dinners always are, at least in my family. Besides a couple of cracks from my brothers, which were sufficiently inside-joke-ish that he didn't even notice, it went fairly smoothly.

The gathering of fathers and brothers in the driveway frying turkeys as his greeting didn't make him turn around. He didn't run for the door after an hour, not during the gravy tensions, not even when he had the perfect opening, when my dad left shortly after dinner to check on the dogs.

He stayed until the end. He even helped me pack up the roasting pan and what little leftovers my brother allowed us to take and carried them out to my car.

And much to my brothers' astonishment, he even called the next day. They hadn't scared him off. Neither had the loud conversations all occurring at once, the screaming kids, nor the crazed pack of wild dogs. I wondered if anything would.

Last night, I had dinner with him and some of his friends from out of state. As we were saying our goodbyes, his friends asked that I keep the date of their wedding free this summer.

Wait. This summer. Isn't that months away? As I walked to my car, I couldn't quite get enough air.
 

too much turkey

I'm nervous. And actually, half of my family is nervous. I'm bringing the boy "home" with me for Thanksgiving. Well, "home" to my brother's new house.

I usually don't care what anyone thinks of those I choose to spend my time with. This time I do. That, in and of itself, makes me nervous. And a little scared.

Should I be worried what my parents will think? What my brothers will?

I'm not. I'm worried that he will think my family is nuts. I know, I know, everyone thinks their family is nuts. Mine is very nuts. But they're also a very big part of my life.

And to make matters more, well, interesting, my brother's fiance's parents are coming. The first meeting between the soon-to-be in-laws.

My brother and parents are most worried about the "first meeting" and I'm hoping the boy doesn't make a run for the door after witnessing one of my family's "discussions."

Could be entertaining.

Whatever the outcome, I'm happy to be spending Thanksgiving with those I'm thankful are in my life.

Hope you have a very Happy Thanksgiving!
 

tears and smiles

I looked over at him as they finished singing the National Anthem, as the jets did their flyover. There was a tear in his eye. I gave him a hug. I was so happy to have this special time alone with him. Even if we had to share it with over 70,000 people.

Not many dad's would take only their daughter to a football game. But every game, he and my mom take my sister and I. My brothers rarely get to join them. That day, only he and I could go to the game. And it was nice to spend time with just him.

In some ways I'm way too much like my dad. In others, we're polar opposites. But whether we're agreeing or disagreeing, we always have interesting discussions. And we always laugh together.

When I left him at his car, so I could head over to the hockey game with the boy, he didn't make me feel bad for bailing on dinner with him after the game, as is our tradition. He just told me to have fun. I'm a very lucky daughter.