I was looking for something specific. I searched and searched. But what I found wasn't at all what I was looking for.
I read the entire thing anyway. Every back and forth banter about the "truth." Every admission. Every joke. And I laughed. And I sighed.
Yes, I admit, I save old e-mails. Not all of them. I'm not that neurotic. But most of the possibly important ones. And those from guys I have liked, or might possibly like in the future. (Wait, did I just say something about not being neurotic?)
I have to admit it scared me in a way. The back and forth. The memory of how things were, of how they turned out.
We were really great friends. I had hoped for more. It wasn't to be. We're still good friends. I don't want anything more anymore.
But I do. Just not with him. The exchange of heartfelt words. The banter. It reminded me of what might be missing now.
I just wish I knew if it might really be out there. All of it. The friendship, the laughter, and more.
It's not missing, completely. It's just completely different. More in some ways. Less in others.
Perhaps the important thing is it's enough. Right now.