brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

holding on by a thread

I can't stand to see her this way. She's in pain. But she puts on a brave face when anyone other than my mom or I are there.

After my dad went home last night, she started crying. Telling my mom and I that we liked to see her suffer.

Of course, it's the pain talking. After the meds started to take effect, she apologized. But my mom is having a tough time with it.

I feel guilty. Guilty for leaving my mom there to deal with everything. Guilty for leaving my grandma there. Guilty for trying to hold my own life together.

Not that I'm doing a great job of that, either.

Friends' calls go unanswered, unreturned. Work piles up. The boy feels neglected. At least TheDog is getting a walk here and there, because that's the only thing keeping me somewhat sane right now.

4 comments:

Glitter said...

Keep the faith. You know your friends, family, the boy and the dog will always be there for you when you get through this.

Julie said...

You need to look after you. Friends understand that you CAN'T call them back right now. If The Boy doesn't, then you have your answer about a future with him. You are only one person, and one person under a lot of stress right now. Do whatever YOU need to do to keep yourself sane, and to hell with the rest of them.

hubs said...

Julie's right, in your life, you come first.

Look into having hospice care come to the house. The are experts in pain management. And like you said, you can't do it all yourself.

Elizabeth said...

(((RG))) Consider it an honor that she trusts you so much. Had a fight with one of my staff yesterday. We actually yelled at each other, which NEVER happens in my office. Last time was probably six years ago. On the other hand, if we didn't love each other so much, we wouldn't have cared enough to be angry.

It shows that she still has some life left in her.

Sending strength to you and your mom.