all I want for Christmas

And it was, a wonderful Christmas. Family gathered around. Although we missed my brother and his wife, it was great to spend the day with the rest.

Everyone did love their presents. And I loved mine. Particularly one.

Everyone in my family knows how much I love to take pictures. Some of you may have an idea as well. What you don't see is the hundreds of family pictures I take. Every year.

My mom wanted pictures this year. And she got them. From all of us. Mine were a little different. A book for her, and copies for the entire family. And it worked.

My brothers and one of my sister-in-laws used to get annoyed with me taking so many pictures. Now, although they will still tease the shutterbug, they understand, and dare I say appreciate it.

And even before they knew my present to them, my parents gave me help to continue my hobby.

I'm waiting for a price drop that usually comes at the end of January, but then I will get my new camera. A long wait. But I know it will be worth it. And it's not like I am without my little one.

friends who are dear to us

Saturday, once I drove back home and after a bit of present finding, I went to dinner and a movie with friends. To celebrate one's birthday, and to give us all a little respite from the hectic holiday pace.

A little Nicholas Cage, a little salad and cheese fondue. A lot of laughter and great conversation. A perfect evening.

Sunday, after a wonderful brunch with a friend, I finished my gift gathering. Then began the wrapping extravaganza. I love wrapping. I have no idea why.

Midway through the extravaganza the boy picked me up for dinner. Over wine and tapas, I realized that despite the difficulties and idiosyncrasies, I really like this one.

Once we got back to my house, we turned on the Christmas music and opened our gifts to each other in front of the twinkling tree.

I watched as he opened his. Cute stocking stuffers. He agreed were cute. A fun travel game. And the main one. Which he loved. Despite my concern, I do know him well enough to pick out the perfect thing. I just had to think a little outside the box.

As I opened mine, I smiled. He really does listen. Sometimes. Along with a night out for the two of us later, he gave me a jersey for my favorite pro team. One of my favorite players, more so because of TheDog than the actual player.

After he went home, I continued my wrapping until I couldn't keep my eyes open. Then fell asleep with a smile on my face. With TheDog at my feet. This Christmas would be a very good one.

maybe next year will be better than the last

This Christmas was sad and magical all at the same time. A long weekend away from real life. Filled with family and friends and wonderful stories. It's finally over and I just got everything out of my car and put in its place dropped on the floor of the entryway.

I'll start where I left off.

Friday night my family got together for early Christmas dinner. We got a little surprise, that really only surprised my parents. My sister, sister-in-law and I had suspected.

We were right, I'm going to be an auntie again. My mom and dad were so excited. As were we all with the confirmation of the good news.

Dinner was fantastic, and the low-key night with family was just what I needed after a long week at work and a snowy, white-knuckle drive down to my brother's.

The snow and wind continued as we kept warm inside. Playing with my nieces. Opening thoughtful gifts. Watching the puppies annoy the older dogs.

Everyone else bundled up, packed up, and drove over my brother's landscaping in their attempt to find the driveway in the snow drifts.

I made myself at home with TheDog in one of their spare bedrooms and slept like a log.

I awoke to a beautiful, crisp, sunny morning. TheDog anxious to go play in the snow.

The parents-to-be and I enjoyed our leisurely coffee and Cinnamon rolls. Talking about their upcoming trip to her parents' house. About the new little one. About how wonderful the low-key dinner was the night before.

Then, after my brother found the driveway for me with the snowblower, they opened one last gift from me. The one they couldn't open the night before, since everyone would be getting one. They were even more excited about it than I imagined they would be.

The giving is almost always better than the getting. A wonderful beginning to a wonderful Christmas weekend.

the most wonderful time of the year

For our last girls' night of the year, we got together to eat, drink and be merry. And decorate Christmas cookies. I think more frosting and sprinkles ended up on the table and floor than actually on cookies, but that's half the fun.

I love low-key time with my friends before the holidays. Drinking wine. Eating great food. Covering ourselves in sprinkles and frosting.

I even usually love shopping. For others. Tonight I tried very hard to finish up my present gathering. I was foiled at nearly every turn.

And I definitely like holiday hanging out with a boyfriend. Last night, however, miscommunications and annoyances nearly kept the boy and I from getting together for a drink.

But instead of more message trading I insisted upon actually talking to him, and he picked me up. Mine was going to be a virgin screwdriver, to help beat the cold, but we decided the college mentality of alcohol-kills-germs was a better approach.

Hanging out with him always makes me happy, it's the trying to find time to, and trying to figure out what's going on with him, with us that drives me crazy. And the trying to figure out what to get him.

We talked about his job, and how he would like a change. How it doesn't make him truly happy. And I got to thinking that if I could only figure out what makes him truly happy, maybe I'd know what gift to give him.

I like the time we spend together. It's not great like it was. But it's still good. And I have a suspicion the holidays are not his favorite time of year. Could be the bah-humbug he muttered as he opened the door to the bar for me last night.

please have snow and mistletoe and presents under the tree

Snow? I'm hopeful for. Mistletoe? Not necessary. Presents under the tree? That could be a problem.

I had four presents left to pick up, that I've figured out. What to get the boy is eluding me, but I'll get to that in a minute. (Any suggestions appreciated!)

First I had to deal with the presents I know I am getting. After I picked up my prints to put into frames all ready for them, I headed to one of my favorite stores and walked right up to my favorite salesman for advice.

My sister-in-law wanted a very specific something, but it's several years old, and as technology goes, no longer available. I knew favorite salesman would point me in the right direction.

He did, quickly, then informed me what I was getting brother-in-law was out of stock. I would have to go back in a couple of days. So much for being efficient.

I ran quickly to the grocery store to pick things up for girls' night tomorrow and the company potluck the next day, but walking the aisles I realized my concentration was gone. The cold was getting the best of me, so I headed home.

Many of the items I'd ordered were waiting for me at home. I opened them up and checked them over. They look amazing. I can't wait to see my family open their presents.

Now if only I could figure out what else to get the boy. Two stocking stuffers will not cut it. But I don't want to go too overboard and scare him, either. I need ideas. I need inspiration. I just need help. And some rest.

red-nosed reindeer

Finally. Time to relax on my couch under my down throw, lights twinkling and glinting off the ornaments, TheDog snoring beside me. Perfect. Well, it would be if I could breathe.

The cold that has been circling finally caught up to me today. At least I can be thankful it waited this long. Until after my crazy weekend of holiday parties.

Our office party was wonderful this year. The boy went with me, and not only seemed to have a good time, but said as much. And my friends at work said they liked him, too.

The annual holiday party of a friend's parents halfway across town was a little daunting this year. The boy had to work and could not join me, and most of the younger crowd all now have kids. Despite my discomfort at being the only single person there, it was great to see people I rarely get to see.

Then my own yearly bash. Friends and family gathered around, eating good food and having a glass of wine. Every year I question why I place the added stress upon myself. So much to do with the holidays in general, why add to it with party preparations.

But Sunday evening, after the tree had its lights and decorations, after the stockings were hung by the chimney with care, after the candles were lit, and the first guests began to arrive, I knew why. It's because this time of year is to gather together with those you love.

It would only have been better if the boy could have gotten off work a little earlier. And if those that had caught the nasty cold before the party had been able to make it. But I'm happy it held off for me until today. Even if I'm beginning to look a bit like Rudolph, myself.

deck the halls

Snowflakes have been falling from the cold sky. Christmas music playing. Charlie Brown's adorable tree on the screen. Thoughts of the perfect gift for those I love swirling around in my head.

You'd think with all of this I'd be knee-deep in Christmas spirit. That's hard to do this year. I have a beautiful tree. But it still sits in a bucket on my front porch, where my sister and her husband left it a week and a half ago.

Christmas isn't Christmas without sitting in the dark watching the twinkling lights. Preferably with a steaming cup of hot cocoa, a touch of peppermint schnapps, and a cute boy.

This year there has been time for none of it. Not only that, but the outdoor lights I actually managed to get up before the snow started falling stopped working.

It's just not been my year.

you're a mean one...

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. Or, should I say Ms. Grinch. That's what I've become.

Work and the requirements for trying to recover some portion of medical bills I have paid from of the car accident have kept me crazy busy.

They have kept me from even dragging my tree in from the front porch. It was carefully selected by TheDog, delivered over a week ago by my sister and still it sits there. I need help to drag it. But that has been hard to come by when I'm home. Which has been all of about an hour each night.

They have kept me from seeing friends. Attending holiday parties. Decorating. And don't even get me started on shopping. Even writing here.

I'm trying to shed the grinchy-ness. Really, I am.

if only in my dreams

It really may be for the best. I know it in my heart of hearts. But I need to think it through. Completely. Before I do something rash. Before I do something I will ultimately regret.

I want to be that bold, brave person I know I can be. Discuss my concerns like an adult. Ask friends (and you all) for advice. But I'm not that person right now. Right now work, the boy and life in general have beaten all the brave right out of me.

I have had a horrible headache since before Thanksgiving. I can't sleep.

The work to be done is daunting. Both real work and other work. I hope for things that have no chance of happening. I want all the problems to work themselves out.

The brave adult hiding somewhere within knows that won't happen. Knows I need to face things. Figure out what I want. What I'm willing to compromise on and what I'm not.

And to some degree I have. I just don't have time to really put it into words. And I'm not sure I'm ready to.

I just wish someone could tell me if I'm making the wrong decision.

a few of my favorite things

I've been tagged by Stacey, who is not only an incredibly nice person, but an amazingly talented artist. You simply must go check out her paintings. They're much better in real life, but they're even great on her blog.

So, I am tasked with posting five random facts about myself, and then I'm supposed to tag five other bloggers.

If you have been tagged, please follow these rules:

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 5 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 5 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Drum roll, please. Five random or weird things about me, the holiday version:

1. I absolutely love Christmas music. But only during the month of December. I hate that stores are starting to play it before Halloween. But now that the calendar has turned, I listen to it at home, in my car, and in my office. So, now I have plenty of ideas for post titles in December.

2. My family is nuts about live Christmas trees. Last year, my brother's fiance suggested they get a fake tree. In front of my entire family. We all just stared at her.

3. Every year since I moved back to Colorado, I've gotten the local radio station's cd. It's become an annual holiday tradition. And now that I have all of them, I can't imagine not standing in line each year for the next one. Despite the early hour. The cold. And the very slow moving line this year.

4. I always have a holiday party. Even last year's feet of snow didn't deter me. It's been a yearly tradition ever since I had a house to have it in. Even if it was a rental, and I had to coax roommates out of their grinchy-ness and convince them to join in the holiday spirit. Due to various reasons, my mom tried to talk me out of having one this year. As much as I appreciate my mom's input, that's never going to happen.

5. One of my favorite holiday activities, if you can call it that, is to sit on my couch. Only the white lights on my tree glowing. The Christmas station on digital cable coming through my speakers. Drinking a cup of steaming tea. TheDog napping beside me.

So, those are a few of my favorite things, along with door bells and sleigh bells, snowflakes that melt on my nose and eyelashes, brown paper packages tied up with string.

I'm not actually going to tag anyone. I don't mind being tagged, but I don't like to make people feel guilty about not posting something.

However, if you want to do this, consider yourself tagged. Let me know, and I'll link to you here.

My good friend Sam, has asked to be tagged. Something about the new pink.

Also, Glitter is going to try to get around to it.

Who else?

beginning to look a lot like Christmas

This weekend was great. The holiday spirit is all around. The only problem is that work and other things are keeping me from enjoying it properly.

The girls came over for an ornament-decorating, wine-drinking good time. The next night was a farewell dinner with friends from school, as two are moving halfway around the world soon.

To me, the holidays always mean gatherings with friends. And my weekend was a great way to kick off the holiday season.

Saturday brought the annual standing in line for a cd. Crazy though I may be, it's a tradition. This year the boy went with me, and we met a couple of my friends. Luckily. Since the boy had to leave to go to work, and we were nowhere near the front of the line.

They were completely disorganized this year, and what usually takes a couple of hours took more than four. But I got to catch up with friends I rarely see. So despite the long wait in the freezing cold, it was not that bad.

My sister and her husband graciously offered to take TheDog to pick out my tree without me, as I had work to do. They delivered the beautiful tree and TheDog back to me today.

I also squeezed a fun afternoon with friends into the mix. A short evening with the boy. And dinner and White Christmas with my mom and sister.

If I can only find time in the craziness to bring the tree inside and decorate it. If only I didn't have three weeks of work to get done in one, the holiday spirit would have no chance of fading.

the end my friend

Sometimes it's the destination.

Sometimes it's just a stop along the way.

Sometimes it's just the end*.

 

 

 

 

 

*Yes, Jeremy, simply to my posting a photo every day, and actually posting every day in general. Yes, I did it. 30 days, 30 photo posts. If you're bored feel free to check them out here.

in bloom

A dozen of my friends. A few glasses of wine. Great food. Glitter. Paint. Sequins. Holiday music.

The official beginning of the holiday season for the last few years.

Despite all of our busy lives everyone took a little break to get together for a little decorating. Sharing stories. And laughter.

Most stayed to help clean up. They know I've had hostess thrust upon me for another night.

Not that I don't love having my friends over. But it would be nice to have a little time in between. Instead of four times in less than a month.

I really don't mean to complain. I love entertaining. Don't even mind the clean-up afterward. I just need a break. Mostly from other things, from my life in general.

And although I should feel all lit up like a Christmas tree after our fun-filled evening, instead I'm a little down. Wishing I could escape the snow. Go somewhere warm where there are beautiful flowers still in bloom, instead of bare tree limbs.

Not this year. Not with the accident resolution hanging over my head. Not with work. And even if I could, I wouldn't really want to be away for the holidays. It's just a nice thought every once in a while.

ghost town

When they mentioned the name of the town, it sounded very familiar. So, I joined them to explore what is essentially a ghost town.

As we walked into town, the memories came back. I'd been there before. Many years ago. With my family. On one of our camping and four-wheeling adventures.

All six of us in my dad's Bronco. Pleadings of Daddy, don't fall off, as I looked down the mountainside perched on the arm rest of the back bench. My sister snug in the kid's seat between my parents. My brothers teasing me for being scared as they sat on the bench.

Tin Cup Pass. Walking around the ghost town.

I could have spent an entire day there. Just looking at the old buildings. The crumpled tin roofs. The weathered wood. The old cemetery.

Perhaps because mining is a part of our family history. Perhaps just because the old buildings seem to fit into the landscape better than modern ones. Perhaps because I grew up admiring the mining structures with my dad.

They almost seem a part of me, of my past. History that seems alive. Perhaps only because it happened nearby.

eventually

Some days everything seems to go wrong. Despite feeling empowered after a very productive meeting, the deadlines begin to suffocate. the weekend evaporates into thin air.

The issues from the accident are getting worse. The pain. Both physical and financial. Everything is crashing in around me.

I try to vent to my sister but she cuts me off, to tell me about her own more important life. I try to vent to my mom, but she too is busy with her own things, and not even home.

Then the boy calls, and he vents about his terrible day. I ask him about it. Try to be supportive.

Then he asks how mine was. I tell him in one word and he continues to vent about his.

I get that sometimes people need to vent. But venting should never be completely exclusive. Take the time to get it out. But then give them a little time to vent back if they need to.

Perhaps my day has just made me overly sensitive. Perhaps I just needed to vent.

When everyone else failed me, TheDog rested her head on my arm. And gave me that look that says everything will be alright.

And it will. Eventually. This I know. I'm just ready for that eventually to be now.

on the right track

Stretching off into the distance. The promise of somewhere to go. Someone else to become. Something different.

Not sure whether following the track is the right thing. Perhaps it will lead me to where I am supposed to be.

Perhaps my somewhere, someone, something is in another direction.

Perhaps the only wrong choice is the non-choice. Doing nothing. Not pushing any limits. Not getting on a train in any direction.

I am not comfortable with things now. But I'm starting to become more so.

Starting to loose the energy to insist on what I wanted. Starting to forget why I wanted it in the first place. Starting to wonder if there is a right track.

Starting to loose sight that there could be a somewhere, someone, something.

one moment

The sun peeks over the clouds, as we sit atop the volcano.

There's a moment that you can actually feel. Hear almost. It leaves you breathless.

It's one of those moments you want to share with someone special. Not that my friends aren't special to me.

I just want to watch the sun rise atop a volcano with my someone. In silence. The kind of silence that means so much more than words.

Some days I know I'll get there. Other days I know my amazing vacation moments will only ever be shared with friends.

a view from the side

Taking a break on our ride down the volcano. A view of the island below.

It was more than worth getting up at 2am. The crazy driver on the winding road.

The view from the top as the sun rose over the clouds was incredible. Shared with good friends.

Even if life hasn't turned out exactly as I would have thought. I have amazing friends. Friends that are happy to share their adventures with me.

I hope to plan more. Soon. Hope to talk friends into adventures.

warmth

I'm absolutely chilled to the bone. But it was well worth it.

The boys pulled out a win. Their football season may very well include another game.

The boy made plans. In advance. A surprise, even.

And parts of the family got together after the game for a low-key leftovers dinner.

And best of all, I stayed as far away from anywhere shopping could be conducted. Deals or no deals, I don't get shopping the day after Thanksgiving.

What I would like is a warm fire. A steaming cup of hot chocolate. And a cute boy to snuggle up with.

count on it

Sitting around the table, clinking glasses. Thankful for each and every person there.

We're family. We have our disagreements. But when it matters we can all count on each other. No matter what.

When my brother asked why the new boy was not there, I told him the truth. The boy wanted a "me" day, as he called it.

I didn't admit it made me question if that would always be the case. Whether if things did somehow work out, if he would send me off to my family while he hung out at home alone.

I'm not ready to question it openly to my family. The minute I do, they'll insist he's not good enough for me. They always believe in me.

But for right now I want them to believe in him. I want to believe in him.

river

A ribbon winding into the distance. Reflecting the fading winter light. A relaxing sight.

After a day spent working and helping prepare for the family tradition, that type of relaxation would be welcome.

Looking forward to a little relaxation time of my own. As well as with the boy. And of course the chaotic family time.

Thankful for all. Despite that none is exactly what I'd hoped for.

Thankful for what we have. Not missing what we don't have. Flowing along.

flying time

In two days it's Thanksgiving. I don't know how that happened. It still feels like September.

The only thing that makes me realize it's the holiday season is the weather. It's cold. Finally.

The chill in the air today made me realize that it's a short week. That I need to help my sister get the Turkey on Thursday.

That soon after there will be tree and cd getting and places to be, shopping to do.

I'm not ready for the flurry of holiday activity. I still want to enjoy fall. But time has flown by, and it's time to start the festivities.

I need a stop button. I need time to relax.

metamorphosis

I know I need a change. I know I have options. But I'm afraid.

Afraid to leave what I know. Worried that different won't be better.

And it's not that I don't enjoy parts of it. But there are days that make me want to walk out the door and never come back.

But I'm loyal. I believe in at least trying to work things out. See if things can't change. For the better.

If that doesn't wotk, at least I'll know I tried.

sorting

Tranquility. Peace. Happiness.

I recharged my soul and my caffeine at the coffee shop. TheDog relaxing at my feet as I read.

We took an extra long time walking home. No hurry. Savoring the beautiful weather.

Even work and house chores couldnt dampen the mood. They kept me busy. Helped my mind not to question things.

Even went for sushi. The fish was beyond delicious. The company was not so bad either.

But things aren't where I want them to be. And I'm tired of being that girl. It's not me. I'm trying to relax. Have fun.

But I expect and hope for more than I ever have. And perhaps that is most unfair to me.

wrong path

Sometimes I find myself contemplating things. Sometimes this contemplation takes place at very inappropriate times. Sometimes in the middle of a family gathering.

There's a path that's expected of me. Of a person my age. Particularly a female my age.

We're to be married and having kids.

This expectation is ridiculous sometimes. I have friends who think I should just have the kids on my own if indeed I want them. And I do want to have kids. Definitely.

But I want to have a family, not just the kids.

And sometimes hanging out with my brother and his so-called perfect family, I want to scream. I think maybe the not having kids is a good thing for me.

I think more than the kids, I really want the guy. Until last night, I thought there was a chance I might have found him.

Last night ensured the path that everyone thinks I should be on is out of my reach. And watching my brother, made me realize that maybe that's alright.

lone tree

A foggy day. Unusual. Snow clinging to each branch of the lone tree.

A sense of solitude. Like there is no one else in the world. Like no one else in the world will ever really know you.

Sometimes the solitude, the quiet is welcomed. Sometimes you just need someone to hold you tight and tell you it's going to be alright.

Sometimes no matter how much you need not to be standing on your own. you are.

Sometimes they say it's not you. But it has to be. Partially. At least. Or you wouldn't feel so alone.

back

It is nice to be home. Even if it's only been a few hours. Even if I have a ridiculous amount of things to accomplish tomorrow.

Friday's are supposed to be slower paced days. Tomorrow will be crazy. And I'm nervous.

I will talk with the doc about what the leak of the dye means. What my options are. What the chances are of my back returning to pain-free. Before the accident.

And I get to kick-off the ski season. Vicariously, since we have no snow around these parts.

no room for negotiation

Some think I'm crazy. Treating her like she's my baby. But she is.

Today, I called my sister to talk about various things. Accident related things. Her doc appointment. Mine. But mostly I called to talk to my baby.

Yes, I know she can't talk on the phone. But even though she can't hear very well, she perks up when she hears a familiar voice on the phone.

So, I called to say hello. That I missed her, that I'd see her Friday. My sister said she smiled and kissed the phone.

If you don't think a dog can smile, you don't know mine. She has a smile. And a pout. And a look that says get this puppy away from me.

So, alright, I might be a little bit crazy.

But since she's my baby, there will be only one choice if the allergic-to-dogs boy continues to be a part of my life. And he's the one that suggested he could get allergy shots. He thinks TheDog is pretty amazing, too.

missing something

Home is a place. Home is a feeling. Home is the people who love you.

There are reminders of home. A mountain. A river. Even a smell or a sound.

For me home is a mountain in the distance. Sitting on a patio in the sun. Seeing colored leaves in the fall. Family. Friends. And of course TheDog.

I've been gone too long. It's different when you're busy. It's different when you're on vacation. But when it's work or something like it that keeps you away, it's hard.

I couldn't be one of those consultants that travels often, or works somewhere for months at a time. This I know. But I thought I'd like the me time a conference might afford.

What I realized today after the boy said I didn't sound very happy was that there are things I can't do without for too long. I need sunlight. A view of a mountain. Drinking a cup of coffee on a patio. Talking with a friend.

I took a short break today. Grabbed coffee. Sat on a patio. Although I wasn't home and was catching up on work, it was perfect.

Just what I needed to recharge. I returned refreshed. But I am still ready to go home.

passing through

Just passing through. that's how it's always been. Usually with my grandma. Once all alone. Most recently with my mom.

This time it's for a few days. This time I'm tired. And lonely.

This time I just want to go home. Not for a few days. I will be more than ready by then.

goodbye, again

It's sad to say goodbye. It's wonderful to have a group of great friends and know there will be occasions to get together.

Those occassions are becoming fewer and farther between. Mostly the weddings have died down. And going to visit eveyone takes more miles and vacation time than I have.

But we hatched a plan just before my college roommate dropped me at the airport. Girls' weekends. We've thought about them before, but they don't often come to fruition.

We're going to start planning now. Hopefully we can make it happen.

We're all busy, getting everyone together will be difficult. But after this amazing weekend spent with my best friends, I can't imagine waiting for the next wedding to see everyone. So, I'll do my best to get us all together again.

home away

I spent the majority of yesterday and today with great friends. The friends that know me. Well. Who were right along beside me as I became me.

The weekend is centered around the wedding festivities of one. But it's a bit of a reunion for us all.

The wedding is tomorrow. Other festivities were last night and today. All with good friends, and many laughs and memories.

We helped the luncheon hostess last night and today preparing for, serving and cleaning up after. Even working hard is fun when it's with good friends.

My sides hurt a little. We've laughed more than I remember laughing in a long time. At old stories. At pictures. At our younger selves.

In the car, running errands, we talked about real friendship. About how even though we sometimes go too long without getting together, it doesn't matter. True friendship is always there.

I feel most like myself when I'm with them. We've travelled together, lived together, laughed together, cried together.

These girls are my home. My compass. They're part of me even when we're far apart.

calm

I have a strange sense of calm. I'm not a scared flyer, but I worry. Not about the flight. But rather about what I've forgotten.

Today I was awoken early, finished packing on time with everything for the wedding and festivities and the conference. I hope.

Then I had my own special chauffeur to the airport.

We decided there wasn't time to stop for coffee. There probably wasn't but I sped through check-in and security, and got coffee here. And now have time to think.

About the trip. About other things.

Last night he brought wine over, from his trip. And we just sat and relaxed on the couch. Talking a little. Laughing a lot. It was perfect. Despite the earlier concern on his part, on mine.

Things seem to be going alright. Crossing fingers that I didn't just jinx it.

where everyone knows your name

I'm heading south again to where the sunsets last longer. To where my friendships were made stronger.

To visit college friends and celebrate one's wedding. I'm very much looking forward to seeing R. It's been too long, even though it's only been a year.

And others I've seen more recently, but miss all the same.

No rest after the wedding. Then it's on to a conference for work. I'm sure I'll need to write and vent and worry to someone.

slippery slope

Since I was three, I have loved putting the boards on my feet and sliding down the hill.

There have been years when I haven't made it up as much as I would like.

But I haven't missed a season since that first season when my parents pulled me up the hill.

What if this little tear or whatever they do to fix it keeps me from skiing. From hiking. Cycling.

I'm worried. More than I will admit to my friends. To my family. More than I even admitted to myself.

now what?

We now interrupt our daily picture posts to bring you a life update.

So, there is a tear. And I'm not crazy.

I barely remember the procedure yesterday. But I do remember the doc showing me the picture he took while doing it. The one that shows the dye leaking out.

They sent me for a CT Scan after the procedure, for a better picture.

For three and a half years my doctors and physical therapists told me to do my exercises. To strengthen my muscles. Because the pain had to be muscular. I did them. Mostly every day, as I was told.

For three and a half years, it seemed they didn't believe me that the pain was still there. Didn't go away. Wasn't getting better.

And now I wonder if I made it all worse. If doing what they told me caused the tear to get worse.

The one thing I won't know until next Friday is what comes next.

For now, all I know is the dye exacerbated the problem. The pain I've been feeling for months, years, is worse than ever. Which only proves further there is a tear.

And did I mention? I'm not crazy.

walking alone

No matter who is there, every step is taken alone.

For years I've hiked alone, taken road trips alone, and been happy to have the "me" time.

This bamboo path on Maui was from a hike I took solo, despite having good friends there on the island with me.

But sometimes we need someone, even if we don't want to.

My mom came up last night and stayed with me. Took me to the hospital this morning. But despite my insistence I could be left unattended, she is still here.

The boy wanted to stop by. But with my mom creating a tornado of my house in 24 hours, and me in complete pain. I simply told him I was tired and going to bed.

True, but really I would have stayed up to see him. I just can't deal with my mom right now. Alone, or mostly is what I need to be right now. If only I had a bamboo forest to walk through to calm my worries.

strength

Every time I see a poppy I'm reminded of my grandfather. He passed away when I was three. I barely remember him, but what little I do, I do vividly.

I remember sitting on his knee in their kitchen, almost like it was a few years ago, instead of decades.

And every time I think of him I'm reminded of my grandmother's strength. Of how she made the best out of life even after she lost her husband and best friend.

For over three decades she kept going. Enjoying the little things in life. Spending time with her family.

And I hope her strength remains with me tomorrow. I'm getting another, much more invasive test done on my back. So they can maybe figure out what's wrong. Maybe they finally will. Three years and six months later. Exactly.

And all the while I'm worried about the boy. Although we had a great time together tonight, there's still something strange going on. And I don't know what, or what to do about it.

slipping away

For years I hiked these trails.

Hiked them with many friends. Some who live close by, some who live far away. And always with TheDog.

Since the car accident, I've let my summer Saturday routine slip away. Too painful to do our usual route, our hikes became walks near home.

I didn't realize how much I missed those summers, until today's beautiful weather. Until I wished I'd grabbed TheDog and headed to the hills.

We would have had to take the low trail, since neither of us is in any shape for the usual. But that would have been perfect. Perhaps in a few weeks.

reason for concern

We now interrupt our daily picture posts to bring you a life update.

Ever since the boy returned from his trip, things have been a little weird. Actually, that's not completely true. Things were great the morning he showed up on my doorstep and we walked TheDog for coffee. Then had a leisurely lunch.

Sometime between lunch and the Halloween party that night, things got weird. And he cancelled plans, twice, last week.

And although the football game this weekend was fun. And he endured meeting my parents and hanging out with my sister again. Something was amiss.

So, of course, I asked if everything was alright. He said yes. But continued his strange behavior. I asked again, and he simply said he had a lot on his plate right now, and he knew he was acting strange. But it's not me. Not us.

But it's affecting me. Us. And although typically a reassurance such as this would whisk me back to my no-worries-everything-is-good state, his did not.

I have a feeling. And I just can't shake it. I hope I'm wrong.

favorite spot

Once the weekend hikes ended, it became our favorite spot.

Guilt for not hiking with TheDog started the weekend tradition.

Now every weekend that we can, we get up early and walk to our spot.

Despite the "man" telling us we could no longer stay, we found ways to continue the tradition.

And hopefully we will again be able to sit and enjoy our coffee on a sunny patio soon.

* photo brought to you by cell phone Saturdays... don't hold the poor quality against me...

under the bridge

Red paint on a plain structure. Man-made against the beautiful natural surroundings. The icon of my visits.

The first visit was incredible. As a stop on a roadtrip with one of my best friends from college. Sleeping on the floor of a house shared by many. Drinking in the scenery. My first picture under the bridge.

The middle to visit my brother. With the rest of my family. Made obvious that family trips were getting to be difficult.

The last was memorable, to visit a friend. He was out of town most of the time. But my personal (cute) tour guide, made up for being ditched. Plus more free time to visit other friends from high school and grad school. A painful knee under the bridge.

Looking forward to a return visit. Soon.

leaves of color

A quick hike. With TheDog, of course. Colors ablaze amid the pines.

The smell of mountain. The beginning of Fall. The promise of snow across the valley for skiing soon.

One of my favorite places.

Near memories of skiing. Near favorite camping spots, the rock and the creek.

A moment of color captured. To remember.

a picture and a thousand words (or less)

I've been inspired.

By my photography class. By Jeremy's new photo-laden blog and his comment from earlier today. And by Charming and NaBloPoMo.

Much like Charming I considered doing the write-a-novel-in-a-month thing, but who am I kidding. I don't have time for that.

So, instead, I will post every day in November.

When I considered this earlier this week, I balked. I didn't think I could come up with something to write every day without boring you all to tears.

But it all came together. I've also been needing to organize some of my photos. Particularly as I'm hoping to use some as gifts for the holidays. Now, while I'm camera-less is as good a time as any.

Looking through my archives of pictures always makes me want to share them. And always brings up memories. Like my pumkins did earlier today.

So, after listening to one of my favorite photographers describe his work, and the situation or story behind his photographs for the last two nights, I know what I want to write about.

The picture-inspired stories. I hope to post a photo and tell a short related story every day for the next thirty days.

(And, not to worry, those of you who can't go a whole month without tales of my boring life, and since I'm sure I can't refrain, life-update-posts will happen every once in a while as well.)

We'll see how this goes. Wish me luck.

Happy Halloween

Enjoy your haunting and trick-or-treating!

While the ghosts and goblins are knocking at my door, I'll be at my photography class. Learning how to improve upon my images, such as the one above. And hoping to replace my camera, so I can take a workshop.

perspective

The day began a bit slow and bumpy. Being asked to get up extra early, even if it includes free breakfast is not my idea of a good start. Having to sit across the table from the biggest kiss-up I know, was the worst part.

After listening to kiss-up inflate his ego, the running-around-like-beheaded-chicken started. Back to work after breakfast meeting I quickly gathered what I could remember for mid-morning meeting.

In mid-morning meeting, I realized I'd forgotten half of what I needed. But I am nothing if not good at improvising.

So good, in fact that I convinced the others in the meeting to completely come around to my way of thinking. On both issues that I hoped to. And without the help of the information I had to back me up. Which remained on my desk.

Later, while listening to a great presentation by my old boss, it hit me. And this will sound incredibly conceited, but I'm good. At my job. At the work I do for the job-like thing I do, but don't get paid for. And at other things, too.

I'd forgotten that recently. With the flurry of impossible deadlines lately. With the poor management I've been dealing with. With the feeling in my gut that there is something going on with the boy that he isn't sharing; that something's been not quite right since he got back.

They're lucky to have me. My job. The association. The boy. If they can't see it, their loss. Perhaps moving on is all I can do.

Of course I wish I could dismiss any of it that easily. But today put things in a little better perspective for me. Even before tonight's photography class, which I'm taking with my mom, where we talked a bit about perspective.

consolation

My consolation prize was going to another game. Another game with another heartbreaking ending.

Despite the final outcome, the game was fun. At one point my parents, sister and I were all in hysterics. We made fun of the people with cheese on their heads.

Seriously, who thought up wearing a slice of cheese on your head to symbolize you're a fan?

Despite my dislike for all things associated with the cheeseheads, watching Brett play what is likely his last game at a mile high, was pretty cool, particularly with the (ex) Buff kicking for them.

And, well, after ditching our plans last night, the boy offered up his own form of consolation prize. This time it's my job that will keep it from happening. But I told him that when he first suggested.

I think that makes a difference.

heartbroken

I had a ticket to tomorrow night's WS game. I didn't think there was any way at all that I wouldn't get to see a game in person. The Red Sox dashed my hopes last night and the previous three games by simply out playing our boys.

Most heartbreaking was they didn't play to their potential. Nothing like they'd played in the twenty or so games it took for them to make the WS.

Also sad was I had the chance to switch my ticket for Saturday'a game. I declined the offer because of the boy. It was his first night back, afterall.

I should have taken the offer.

I'm mostly annoyed by how I came upon the ticket for Monday. It's a great perk from my company. But The Man said they were giving them out in priority. And if you took a game you were then moved to the end of the list.

Fair, it would seem. Except the last game I went to on company tickets was the tiebreaker. And the people who got to go to the guaranteed WS tickets had been to actual playoff games on the tickets, and are not senior to me.

Just part of what is making me seriously consider my options.

what do they say about curiousity?

Thoughts began swirling as I'm killing time until a friend joins me for a drink. I'm anxious. I know a bit of it has to do with the games.

But more has to do with the boy getting back from his trip tomorrow.

I'm looking forward to seeing him. There is no doubt in my mind there. But over the course of the weekend he will meet my sister and other friends. And while we're dressed in costume.

Some of my more, how shall I put this, judgemental friends. Some of the friends that told me after the last was gone, that I kept him around too long. Some of the friends I made promise they would tell me what they really thought.

They may or may not really divulge their thoughts. But I really want to know. I want to know if I'm too caught up in all the fun and excitement and am missing something big.

This one is different. I think. I'm curious if they will see it too.

audible sigh

I know. I've been quiet lately. Not for lack of things to say, but for lack of time to say them well.

Work has been crazy. Even more so after taking time out, twice, to try and get WS tickets.

What a joke that whole process was. I know about fifty people who tried. None who got tickets. Luckily for me, I get to go on one of our company tickets if the game happens. Neither the boy nor my friends are happy about that.

I've been working at home, to make up for my inefficiency during the day.

Tonight I'm just sad. 13-1, seriously?

Come on, boys. Your fans are still behind you even if management has no clue.

Go Rox!

packing memories

I caught the ridiculously early flight. To maximize the time I could help my mom. My mom picked me up from the airport. We went in search of breakfast while we waited by the airport for my sister's later arrival, so she could sleep in.

Once back at my grandma's house the difficult tasks began. Sifting through twenty-two years of memories, and this was just her winter home.

Closets and cupboards were cleaned out. Everything was cleaned. Her silk flowers and furniture were left for staging the house.

We packed up memories through the tears. Told "remember when stories." And allowed ourselves a few relaxing dinners out as breaks.

We even listened to a few baseball games on the radio, as the cable was disconnected when we drove the RV away months ago.

We carefully packed everything we didn't trust anyone else to move into my grandma's Caddy. Using every last inch of available space. My mom drove to the airport, my sister and I with her suitcases on our laps. We dropped my sister off for her flight, and began our drive home.

That was the toughest part for me. The drive I'd done a dozen times with my grandma. Just the wrong way for a Fall trip.

One time when my mom had dozed off, I glanced over and remembered doing the same so many times to make sure my grandma was comfortable. Tears welled up and spilled out of my eyes, rolling down my cheeks.

I miss her so. This was an incredibly difficult week for us all. And this was just her winter home. With little stored. Minimally decorated. We're not ready for the other yet. The one she'd lived in since my mom was in high school. That one will have to wait.

home for a night

I'm home. Finally. But I leave in less than twelve hours.

I have to finish my laundry, packing, online check-in. All without waking TheDog, who is snoring at the foot of my bed.

If I drag my laptop along, I may fill in the story from the past week. If not, I'll have plenty of time next week.

Either way, I hope you all have a fun and relaxing weekend. I'm just happy to be home for a night. Then off to see great friends.

exhausted

Sitting in a motel room with my mom in the next bed is not exactly where I would choose to be. Particularly with the boy off touring around the one country that I've wanted to visit since high school, but never been. But there are things that just have to be done.

She didn't even ask. We offered. And I don't regret it for a second.

The last few days have been difficult. On all of us.

I'm exhausted. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally.

My sister called to be sure we were safe. She is. Safe at home. We are on our way. When I have more mental clarity I'll explain better.

Right now, rest is what I desperately need.

fun-filled

Walking for coffee where I learned TheDog would be allowed back on the patio. Lunch with amazing friends on a patio-perfect Fall day. Drinks and bowling with a good friend, one I nearly thought I had lost as a friend. Capped off with happy hour with the girls that took us through most of the Rockies second NLCS victory. Late night texts of the flirtatious sort. All came together despite a little work on my day off to create a perfect Friday.

Saturday wasn't bad either. Another quick walk with TheDog. Working all day at the beer fest with a break in between shifts with the girls. Having our own personal adorable chauffeur home as we decided that was better than a cab. The chauffeur graciously driving J all the way home. Then me to the airport in the morning.

If only all weekends could be so full of the good things. And could be followed by fantastic games when the home team wins and makes it to the World Series. Go Rockies!

beers and boys

As we walked around the beer fest at the end of our first night of pouring, my friend nudged me and nodded in the direction of a guy staring our direction. It was the ex. The one I met volunteering the first year.

He appeared a little too happy to see me. Reached in for a hug, which caught me off-gaurd. The last few years I've endured our yearly run-ins across a table. Either his when checking in, or mine when pouring.

As he always does, he asked me how I am, completely disregarded the answer, then launched into a telling of his life.

Was he always this selfish? I'm not certain, but I suspect that the answer is yes.

I suspect he hid that when we first started dating. I suspect I grew to ignore it. But I now have no tolerance for it.

I tried to keep the conversation short. Insisting we needed to get back to where we were pouring. He asked where that was, I vaguely indicated near the entrance.

For the first time I really didn't care to talk to him. Unlike when he called this past summer and part of me wanted to know why. I now didn't care at all.

As he reached in for another hug goodbye, there was a vibration. That of my cell in my pocket with a text from the boy who was meeting us out afterward.

That made me smile. A big cheschire cat grin.

busy, busy

Although I took time off to rest and relax before and during the GABF, it didn't work as I'd hoped. I worked most of the day yesterday, hurrying home to be there when J picked me up.

The beer fest was fun last night. Despite running into the ex. Despite the boy's short stay at the bar with us afterward. I'm not worrying about his too-busy for now. As, I'm too caught up in my own.

Walking TheDog for coffee, lunch with friends, afternoon meetings with others, happy hour with yet others, and a late night drink with S. I barely had time to sleep-in today between my social schedule and the work I had to get done.

The craziness will continue. This weekend the beer fest continues, as well as a trip to help my mom pack up my grandma's house. If we're not too busy next week, there will be more details. But if I am, the stories will have to wait.

In the meantime... Go Rockies!

not good?

Plans cancelled at the last minute. Although only tentative, the disappointment couldn't be avoided.

A simple message to cancel. A witty reply. And no more.

Don't want to read more into it. Can't help it. He's not the last guy. But he is a guy.

And every time things appear to be good. Something happens to change it.

fish tales

He lifted it to his mouth. Once inside, his eyes closed. A smile spread across his face. The pure pleasure evident on his face.

He later asked if we could go away for a weekend and do mostly this. As I lifted my wine glass to my lips, I agreed it would be a great idea.

I smiled. He asked why. I said I was enjoying our evening. What I didn't quite admit was that I was really enjoying being there with him. With someone who likes raw fish, perhaps even as much as I do.

fall frolicking

Sitting on a park bench with my mom and TheDog. An abbreviated shopping excursion, just as I like them. Wine and dinner. And a mocha for dessert.

Walks through crunchy leaves with TheDog. Coffee in hand.

Laughing with friends.

Foolish attempts to come by cheap baseball tickets by the field, instead watching at one of my old favorite hangouts. Stolen kisses. Comped late night dinner.

Sleeping in. Pumpkin delivery. Witty exchanges.

Just a few of the great parts of my weekend. The worst part? What they called a football game today. Pathetic.

random Friday thought

So many thoughts swimming around. None I can articulate right now. Instead I leave you with this.

For most of life, nothing wonderful happens. If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are you're not going to be very happy. If someone bases his [or her] happiness on major events like a great job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

~ Andy Rooney

intuition

Although we've progressed to actual phone conversations, I still love the flirty texts. He's either incredibly charming, or just the best player I've ever met. And I've met some.

I've been looking forward to our date tomorrow since last I saw him, briefly, after the game. Although never telling him this, tonight, the glowing white screen told me he felt the same.

My intuition tells me he's sincere. But my intuition has been wrong before. I hope it's not this time.

active within _

As anyone who has done it knows, when you meet someone on the interweb, the ability to gauge how you think the relationship is going is a little easier, and harder, all at the same time.

It's impossible not to do. To check to see if the one you've started dating is still logging on. Still looking.

It's impossible not to feel a little jealous if they are. And if they're not, it's perhaps too easy to get complacent that things are going well.

At some point, if things keep going well, one or the other takes their profile down. When one does but the other doesn't, it's impossible not to wonder what that means.

Does the one who took their profile down think they've found the right (or right, for now) someone? Or did their subscription run out?

Is the one who left their profile up not as content with the one they've found, for now? Still looking? Or just keeping options open?

On the other hand, aren't the real interactions, the words that are spoken and written, the actions, more meaningful than little words on a website?

winning

Still on the high from the game, I stopped by to see the boy briefly. He told me he was getting used to seeing me. I'm not sure what exactly that meant, but by the way he said it, I know it was good.

He said that my team had become his second favorite. He asked if we would be alright if his team played mine in the World Series. I said yes. Without hesitation.

I think we're both getting ahead of ourselves. After all, there are a lot of games to be played still.

baseball in October

After a disappointing Friday afternoon and evening, my day became much better with beers on a rooftop with the boy.

The weekend continued to improve. I think perhaps I had the perfect Saturday.

It started off incredibly well. Included coffee, a phenomenal football game, a great baseball game, and very good company. And ended with a walk home, holding hands, closing my eyes against the wind, trusting someone completely.

Sunday was a bit more relaxing, spending time with TheDog who has been feeling neglected. Although the last game I watched part of from my couch, the outcome allowed for at least one more game.

I hope the good luck continues as I was lucky enough to get to go with some coworkers to tonight's tiebreaker game. And it would be really cool if the home team could make it to the playoffs.

Fingers crossed.

looking foolish

Half the girls bailed. But the other half of us enjoyed our wine immensely. Boys were the main topic of discussion, with the majority of us not yet married.

We talked about our recent boy stories. When the topic turned to mine, they teased me for getting so excited about the new boy. So excited for a boy who has yet to actually call, only texts. Whose house I've not seen, who hasn't been to my house.

Then my friend at work warned me today to be careful. To try not to get hurt. Perhaps they were all picking up on something I am not.

Minutes later, he bailed on our plans for tonight. Plans hatched weeks ago. Finalized last weekend.

He maybe has a great excuse. But I hate flaky more than anything else. Well, except for maybe looking foolish in front of my friends.

just me

I walked down the same sidewalk I'd walked down a hundred times before. The colors were more vivid. The sounds more clear.

I hitched TheDog to a tree and grabbed my steaming cup of addiction.

I missed the days of sitting on the patio with TheDog. Perhaps they'd allow her back soon. But in the meantime, I unhitched her and we walked away.

A block up there's a bench. Near a restaurant. One that is fortunately not open at that hour of the morning.

We sat, TheDog and I, for a while. TheDog was enjoying the cooler weather and occasional pets. I was enjoying my coffee, not reading, not writing, just pondering.

Despite the organizational disaster that is my house, despite the mountain that is my inbox, despite the wreck that is my back, I was calm. I was serene.

I was myself again. Mostly.

dilemma

Compromise is important in any relationship. Everyone knows that.

Although I'm a little set in my ways, I can compromise when necessary. Well, depending a little on what the compromise is.

I refuse to compromise on things that are really important to me. The right guy wouldn't ask me to compromise on those things. Right?

Well, after my beer and boy induced grinning, I had a dream. One in which the new boy told me it was either him or TheDog.

I woke up with a knot in my stomach. He wouldn't really do that, would he?

He loves dogs. Had them growing up. Had one of his own until recently when he figured out he was allergic to them.

I know I'm getting way ahead of myself here, but if thing works out*, what would I do?

I can't imagine not having a dog. Ever.

* Who am I kidding? Things never work out as I hope they might.

distraction

I was working when he asked if I could join he and his friend for a beer. I knew I should be the good employee and keep working. In the past, with the others, I would have just said exactly that.

Instead, I worked until I got to a good stopping place and met them out.

I was stressed and frazzled when I got there. But within minutes I was laughing and relaxed.

I keep telling myself to not get overly excited. That a few dates does not amount to much. But sometimes my cool* is betrayed by the grin on my face.

* Not that I really have any cool. I like to think I can fake it sometimes though.

bright side of life

My stomach hurts after this weekend. In a good way.

I laughed so hard at points that my muscles hurt a little. Yes, perhaps I need to add a few more sit-ups to the list.

But before the laughter started, my Friday started off with a visit to a new doc for my back. He has new ideas. He thinks there may be something they can actually do to help the constant pain.

As with other things, I'm trying not to get too excited, before all the facts are in. But it was an encouraging visit.

The whole office left work early. Well, early for our office. Those that weren't out of town headed to a coworkers for a bbq. The weekend laughter began over beers and homemade salsa.

I then headed to Oktoberfest with friends, one of whose Aussie boyfriend had us all chuckling all night long. Particularly anytime he neared the mechanical bull.

When we met up with the new boy, my smile only slightly faded when his "friend" was a girl. And that small concern evaporated when he saw me, walked up to me and kissed me.

The rest of the night was filled with a bit of sarcasm, self-deprecation, and making fun of anyone in a chicken hat.

Saturday was spent cheering on the home team to a shut-out along with good friends and family. Telling humorous remember when stories in the parking lot afterward.

After dinner with teh parents, I started to get ready for the parties I was supposed to attend. But once I sat down, I realized just how exhausted I was, and bailed on both parties, only to watch some silly comedy on cable.

Today I enjoyed some quality time with TheDog and the mess that is my closet. TheDog possibly questioning my sanity as I giggled to myself at the "treasures" I found lurking in the depths.

Tonight, my mom, sister and I headed downtown for dinner and a trip to Spamalot. At points tears leaked out we were laughing so hard.

I usually dread Sunday nights a little, as Monday morning looms. I'm only slightly closer to finishing the projects whose deadlines have passed than I was Friday, but I'm not concerned.

Perhaps I am beginning to take Sir Arthur and his singing knights' always look on the bright side of life to heart.

a little bit crazy

Out to dinner tonight with my roommate of only one more night, I realized I've become a bit more neurotic than had previously been thought. By myself, by anyone, really.

As the very nice, very knowledgeable waitress brought our sangria and tapas, I kept hoping to hear from possibly new boy.

As I remembered our conversation from the other night, we were supposed to hang out tonight. But silence was all that greeted me.

And it bothered me.

I'm the girl that calls a boyfriend of several months only a guy I hang out with. More than once. I'm never the needy girl. I like space. Usually.

This one is different. When he told me the other night that he missed me when I was away last weekend, I didn't freak out as I normally do.

Without hesitation I said, me too.

In the past his statement would have scared me. My uttering the reciprocal would have had me worrying what he thought.

Neither were the case.

I was just happy to be sitting there, drinking beer on a beautiful Fall night, with a boy I like.

But this new development. This being concerned when it's been a day since I've heard from him. This, I don't like. The worrying whether he's not as taken with me. That he might be out with someone else. It's crazy.

By the end of our glasses of sangria I felt better. Still a little sad that he hadn't called. But no longer dwelling on it.

Well, turns out that the crazy was completely unfounded.

He worked late. And the conversation earlier in the week wasn't exactly as I'd remembered it.

I'm hoping to keep my cool a little better in the future. And trust that he's not like other guys I've dated. That so far he appears to like me, just as he says he does.

beyond tired

Sometimes it's not worth it. Taking a few days off from work, which was really only a few hours, because of the overtime before and after.

Somehow, in being out of the office, my workload appears to have doubled. The deadlines to have gotten closer together.

I'm beyond tired. Between the traveling and late night beers and working late. I need a vacation to recover from my vacation.

I worked late tonight, because my plans fell through. Trying to catch up, but getting further behind.

At least my plans didn't fall through because I worked late. That, I am trying to avoid. At all costs.

If nothing else the last few months at work has taught me that only I can value my personal life. My boss, even if a friend, could care less if I'm happy.

Sure, they care if unhappiness affects my work and attitude, but that is all.

I'm trying only to work late only when absolutely necessary, and only when I want to. We'll see how long it can last.

the rest

After the last band of the festival I checked into my hotel room. M & P had left, so I was on my own for the last night. I took a long relaxing shower. Then climbed into bed with my book.

I didn't even open it. Distracted by the vibration of my phone on the bedside table. Another flirty text. Returned. And on. Ending with sweet dreams.

Exhausted but happy. I slept very well.

Waking up the next morning, I hurriedly packed. I had one more place to be before returning to reality.

I drove to the familiar limestone house. C greeted me in her driveway. We hugged hello. And the conversation started flowing as if it were last week when last I was there, instead of last year.

Her house was soon inundated with kiddos. Hers and neighbors'. In the past, the utter chaos of six young kids running around would have made me long for peace and quiet.

Instead I basked in the craziness. Missing my nieces a little. Wanting a little for someday.

Usually when I come back from my trips to the state where most of my college friends still live, I miss it, miss them. Don't really want to be home.

I still miss my friends, but for once I was excited about the possibilities that await me at home. Reality at work would be harsh. But I was ready to get back to the rest.

wine in hand, feet in pool

Five of Six

I had planned to drive straight to C's house from the airport as I had last year. But it wasn't a good day for her, so we planned to get together before I flew back home. My afternoon strangely devoid of needing to be anywhere, I found a coffee shop with WiFi and caught up on a little work, yes, even on vacation. But it was good to have it out of the way. Then I met M's friend to get her my extra ticket, which was the last of the extra tickets originally bought for the recent ex. The relief with which I parted with it was substantial. Another feeling of relief that he was gone. That the slate was clean. After exchanging our tickets for wristbands we headed to a creek side watering hole for some beers. Then she graciously invited me to hang out at her place until I picked M & P up at the airport. I picked them up and we headed to P's parents' place, which was to be our home away from home for the weekend. We opened a bottle of wine and caught up while dangling our feet in the pool. M inquired about the new boy, and picked up on the excited-ness with which I told the story. How I almost wish I had given him my extra ticket. Even though it's way to soon for either. We talked about their move back in nearly a year. About my hopeful visit before they do. About our families. We could have talked for hours, but the exhaustion got the best of us, and we eventually headed to bed. After lunching on delicious fish tacos, queso and margaritas, we napped then headed off to the festival. A long line greeted us as we approached the park, as fire trucks exited, the line began moving. Apparently something had been even hotter than we were. Over the next three days, we listened to some old favorite bands, and found some new ones. Hit some of M's favorite restaurants that have become mine with my many visits. And of course enjoyed a crunchy chicken cone, the best-ever festival food. We forgot our annoyance with the larger-than-last-year-seeming crowds by drinking beers and wine by the pool. Catching-up with old friends, and making new ones. Although, the music didn't excite me as much as it had in years past, this festival was perhaps the most fun. For me. Perhaps it was my laid-back attitude towards the number of must-see bands. Good food and drink. And mostly the great company. But perhaps a little the flirty text messages from a boy a thousand miles away. All in all my fifth festival, was the best. My boss asked me before I left if I planned to go down for it every year. I don't see why not. So far I've only missed the first. I think I'd like to keep it that way. Of course it may be easier when M & P move back to town. Hopefully they'll have a spare bedroom I can perpetually claim for this weekend every year. Maybe they can bring the pool and I'll bring the wine? ****** You can see larger versions of the images by clicking on them.

just memories

As I walked through the airport, a feeling of nostalgia washed over me. I have never even lived here. But I've visited so many times that I know this airport almost as well as the one at home.

I walked past the cafe we sat in awaiting our flight home from my brother's wedding. Where he insisted to my friend from college that we randomly ran into, that he was my boyfriend. Emphatic. Only to be replaced with another opposite emphatic statement exactly one month later.

Juggling my bags, I missed last year's demonstration of local hospitality as everyone offered to help me with bags being as I was on crutches.

I walked past the baggage claim. Remembering the first time I flew in for the festival. When M picked me up. Before she bought a house. Before she was married. Before she moved away from here.

She and P arrive in ten short hours. It hasn't even been a year since I stayed at their place in Brooklyn, but I miss her. P, even. I've only known him briefly, but he already feels like a brother to me.

My excitement at seeing old friends pales only in comparison to the feeling I get when I think about his eyes. About his smile. About last night's kisses. About how walking past the cafe brought no feeling of sadness. Just distant memories.

I'm happy he ended things. I'm happy I took most of the summer off. I'm happy I've finally met someone that stays with me even when I'm a thousand miles from home. Even if it doesn't last. It helps me to put other things in perspective.

I never missed the last when I was away. When he was. That should have been telling.

beyond frustrated

Work has been very challenging this week month year. So much so that I had to excuse myself and head down the hall to keep from just packing my stuff and walking out the door. To calm down and curb my anger and frustration. And a little to hide my red eyes.

The thing is it's not the work. I love the work. And it's not the people I work with. They're (mostly) great, too. It's the inability of the managers to manage people. Projects, they get, well, mostly. People? Not so much. Not really, at all.

Only those with families of their own have their personal time valued. The fact I consider my furry kid among my family is completely lost on them. The fact that I choose my friends to be my family for now, also lost on them.

I won't go into too many more details. Because if and when I leave, it will be on my terms, not theirs. But I needed a minute to grumble. Thanks for listening reading.

realizations

I've been thinking a bit lately about whether or not how I meet a guy plays a part in how the relationship will go. And decided a little examination is required before I have my answer. (Yes, I am a geek.)

I'll start from the beginning, or from when I can remember. Mentioning only those that left a significant impression, taught me a little something, or I dated for a while. It may paint me a little bit trollop. And it may bore you all to tears (consider that your fair warning).

HSBoy1 and I got set up by a friend. He took me on one date. In his green Gremlin. It was a terrible, have nothing in common date. Only significant because it was my first date.

HSBoy2 and I were inseparable one summer. Until I found out he was dating someone else. Yes, I am naive. But I was 16.

HSBoy3 and I were friends for forever before we went out. We had one amazing date our senior year. But both were too chicken to take it much past the friends point. And that's what we remained.

CollegeBoy1 and I met at a party. We went out twice. He spread very untrue rumors. That was the end.

CollegeBoy2 and I were set up by friends. He was an idiot. Even so, I went out with him twice, giving him the benefit of the doubt. I learned first impressions can be misleading, but second impressions usually aren't.

CollegeBoy3 and I met at a party. The initial flirtation was fun. We went out twice. He was the biggest ass I have ever met. I learned to trust my gut instinct a little more.

CollegeBoy4 and I were friends for a long time. We went out once. We flirted unabashedly, but nothing ever became of it. Probably a good thing.

GSBoy1 and I met in class. Always good friends. Brief periods of flirtations never amounting to anything.

GSBoy2 and I met through mutual friends. It was a long flirtation. Ending in only a kiss or twenty before he left town. Disappointing.

BarBoy1 and I literally ran into each other at a bar. There was a little bit of flirtation initially, but nothing became of it. We stayed friends for a long time. Although his on-again, off-again girlfriend was sure there was more there, there never was. For that I am glad. I ran into him over the weekend when he told me how much he missed my friendship. I don't, he was actually a terrible friend.

GSBoy3 and I met in class. Always good friends. A brief period of more-than-friends. And back to just good friends. Showing me that just because something should make sense, it doesn't always.

RandomBoy1 and I met through mutual friends. We dated for a few months. I hadn't made up my mind on whether we made any sense, when he broke up with me to get engaged to another girl two weeks later. They broke up. He wanted me back. Ha.

BarBoy2 and I met, well, at a bar, when a friend insisted I join her out. We caught each other's eye across the room. Cheesy, but true. We dated for over a year. But there was not enough in common to hold it together for longer. He told me last week I was the best girlfriend and friend he ever had. He was my best boyfriend, yet.

RandomBoy2 and I were set up by my sister and her friend. It was another terrible, have nothing in common date. Apparently some lessons take being taught twice.

RandomBoy3 and I were friends for a long time. Then more. Then friends. Then more. Then not-quite friends. Perhaps my most regrettable foray into a relationship.

BarBoy3 (aka NowEx) and I met at a beer festival. Close enough to a bar. We had mutual friends in common who assured me he was a great guy. We dated for a year and a half. We had a lot of fun together. But no deep connection. He, too, ended up being an ass.

RandomBoy4 and I met, well, randomly. There have been periods of flirtation. But nothing much ever became of it, besides a great friendship.

BarBoy4 (aka 24) and I had a disgustingly drunken PDA the night we met. We still see each other occasionally. He told me not too long ago I was the best friend he had and that he still thinks I'm beautiful. Sometimes just having fun is all something should be about.

RandomBoy5 and I met through mutual friends. Another very long flirtation. Ending with an entertaining week at mutual friend's wedding. And then nothing. Another ass. Should have listened to that little voice on this one.

eBoy1 and I, quite obviously, met online. We went out three times. I had the most in common with him that I have ever had with any guy I dated. He freaked out when I left town for a week, and that was the end of that.

eBoy2 (aka The(ex)Boy) and I dated for just over a year. We had a lot in common, or so it seemed. And although it was fun. And I hoped something more would develop, there just wasn't that certain something.

eBoy3 is, well, a story in progress. And we know I don't usually talk to much about those. If the story ends, I'm sure the eBoys will continue. It seems to be the only way for me to meet guys these days.

Particularly since I don't hang out in bars all that much anymore. Apparently my friends and family have absolutely no idea what I am looking for in a guy, given those set-up dates have been the worst I have ever been on. And the friends-of-friends -that weren't true set-ups weren't much better.

One thing I realized is the starting as friends thing never amounts to much for me. But mostly, I need to listen to the nagging voice telling me that there is not enough earlier than later next time.

I'm sure I should be taking away more from this list. But I'm tired. And I have you all to point things out to me, as well.

acting like a child

Although my friend ultimately bailed on me, my weekend ended up being anything but just me and TheDog. Not that TheDog didn't get some quality time with me. (I'd show you pictures, but my card reader has gone to the great card-reader graveyard.) But a few others got some quality time, as well.

I got to hang out with my sister-in-law (SIL1) and nieces quite a bit. Including another entertaining evening at the pizza place, ice cream with a bear, a walk / "bike ride" around town, and, of course, some tickle-monster time.

I went to Oktoberfest with friends a town over and ran into another I hadn't seen in a long time. He's the same. Hasn't changed. Which is unfortunate in some ways.

I also spent plenty of time with my brother, SIL1 and my nieces. A "little" bike ride, that took the better part of a day. Home-cooked (not by me) dinner. A trip to the police station. And lots of hanging out in the front yard, being the "don't do that" aunt.

Of course, TheDog and I snuck in a short hike, walks into town for early morning coffee, and some lazy deck reading and barking.

As Sunday's sun began to set, I hurriedly cleaned up my parents' home-away-from-home and headed back down the hill for more childhood-reminiscent fun. Fun including hot cocoa, a board game, and a cute boy.

belated

We celebrated my friend's birthday tonight, belatedly. It was nice to see her friends, and S, who missed the party, as she was out of town. Wine and port. Good friends and good food. A great bookend to my work week.

I'm heading up the hill again tomorrow. I didn't make it up as much as I would have liked this summer. So I've planned one last trip before Fall officially settles in, really cooling things down, changing leaves, bringing the early season flakes.

I don't even know if my friends are definitely coming with me. And I'm not sure I care. Wait, that didn't sound right. Of course, I would love to have my friends with me on my hikes. To go to dinner with. And to have good conversations with.

But it wouldn't really bother me at all if it were just me and TheDog for the weekend. I need to spoil her a bit before I leave town next week. And after this week I need some time to relax. Not that it was bad. In fact, parts were good. Just long, for a three-day week.

Some forecasters are saying the flakes may fly as early as this weekend in the high country. Although I hope we get a banner snow season, perhaps it could hold off until after my weekend.

manic Monday

I woke up Monday morning feeling well rested. And feeling mostly better. I had decided to get a good night's sleep at my parents' house after the bbq, since they live much closer to the planned family outing.

I sleep better at their house. I haven't been sleeping well at my own for various reasons. My hip has been hurting more lately. My mattress is in dire need of being retired. And I still wake up at the slightest noise, worried it's another unwelcome late night visitor.

I drove south with my mom and dad. We drove past a ranch that my great-grandfather owned. My mom told a childhood tale of how she went out wandering around the ranch looking for her dad, and got lost. Her dad had to call the fire department to come look for her.

We got to the place. We were the only ones on time. Not a surprise in my family. Slowly the rest arrived. One brother, his wife and my nieces. The other brother and his wife. Then my sister.

We laughed and joked and played with my nieces, while their parents learned what to do, and what not to do as they jumped out of a perfectly good airplane.

My other brother was supposed to go, but he was three pounds over the weight limit. We joked that he should have laid off the beer over the long weekend. He was disappointed.

He's really tall, plays semi-pro football, and is probably the second most in shape guy I know. Other than my other brother who is a mountain-biking, tele-skiing junkie.

My sister-in-law had asked if I wanted to join them. I had laughed. There is no way. There are a lot of crazy things I've done, and will do. Sky-diving? Not one of them. Not even when it's already paid for because they denied my brother.

The rest of the family watched as my brother and his wife jumped out of the plane. Free fell. Then opened their parachutes and twirled toward the earth. Both landed beautifully.

It was cool to watch. But definitely doesn't make me want to jump. Ever.

We headed to lunch, laughing as my nieces' balloons floated to the ceiling. Not their fault, but their mom's. They would get more as we left.

As lunch lingered on, I started to get a little nervous. I had a date. I didn't want to be late. And I still had to pick up TheDog, then my car.

My sister made my nervousness worse by insisting on picking up a pizza for dinner. I was her prisoner, as I'd left my car at her house the night before.

The pizza getting took longer than expected. Then the traffic.

I should have known. Labor Day traffic gets crazy with all the RVs and campers. The traffic was making me really concerned. I let him know I would most likely be a little late.

I finally got home, jumped in the shower, and met him. Only ten minutes late. Not too bad for as crazy as my day had been.

one wish

I love my family and friends. They insisted I join in most of my weekend plans despite the fact that I felt mostly horrible.

My sister-in-law insisted I go to the spa. Her comment was something along the lines of what do you have to do but lay there and sit there. Same as you would here.

So I went. The hot stones helped me feel better, at least temporarily. And the pedicure was relaxing, and very much needed. Lunch after was when things went sour.

Or actually, just my stomach did.

So I bailed on the girls for happy hour, and slept instead. Trying to rest up for the following day's activities.

The next morning my friend G's taxi showed up at my house as I stepped out of the shower. I let him in, but told him he was going to likely get to go to the game with my parents and sister. I couldn't imagine being able to walk all the way to the stadium.

But when my dad showed up, he called me a wuss for even considering not going, and shamed me into it.

The game was a nail-biter. With a "running toilet" for entertainment*. A good friend to buy me a pretzel and water, and shade at half time to sit in. The outcome was perfect. My entire family's alma mater pulled out the win in OT.

I sent G to the liquor store as I napped, since they aren't open on Sundays. (Yes, I make all house guests earn their keep.)

Then my mom, G, A and I went to sit in the second row of Red Rocks. Any show would have been great from that vantage point. But this one was fantastic, great music, great company, and my mom sneaking into the front row to try and get a rose.

Mr. King, Ms. James and Mr. Green can sure put on a show. The music was sublime, and most of the onstage dancing was entertaining, even if Ms. James gesturing may have been a little over the top.

Sunday was spent sleeping in and getting ready for the bbq. Thankfully my mom and sister helped out, as I was still feeling pretty terrible. By this point it had been concluded that it was food poisoning, and I was not allowed to prepare any food.

Of course only drinking water at your own bbq doesn't make up for not having to work as hard. I would have rather been the hostess with the most-est and been able to have a beer with my friends.

The party was a hit, despite my ailment, despite the rain. Good friends. Good food (or so I'm told).

As, I got ready to blow out the candles alongside a good friend whose birthday is today, surrounded by my amazing friends and family, I pondered my wish. I couldn't imagine wanting for anything, well, except maybe one thing.

* The running toilet was part of a water conservation campaign here.

jam-packed

As I usually do, I've made tons of plans for my birthday weekend. They start today in less than two hours. And it's looking like I'm going to miss some of them.

I talked my sister, sisters-in-law and mom into taking a Friday off to head to the spa. I scheduled a hot stone massage and pedicure, then lunch with the girls. And as they head back to their lives, I was to join friends for a pre-birthday happy hour.

Then for the actual birthday, a friend is flying in a day early before his training here. He's joining in the birthday celebration with family and friends to (hopefully) cheer on the black and gold to victory, have a relaxing dinner, then let Mr. King, Ms. James, and Mr. Green serenade us from the 2nd row.

Sunday is the annual it's-all-about-me bbq I throw every Labor Day weekend to celebrate turning old(er) with friends. This year was to be extra fantastic, as my friend who's moving here has a birthday next week, so it will be a joint celebration.

Monday is full of more family time and perhaps a show with a cute boy.

The missing is not for work, for once. Unfortunately Wednesday night I came down with the most horrific stomach bug. I had to skip work yesterday, there was no other option. At one point last night I almost thought I had no other option than to try and drive myself to the ER.

And now there's some marginal improvement, but I'm thinking at least today's pre-birthday events might have to be missed. I'm hoping I miraculously feel all better in an hour, when my sister will be here to pick me up. But it's not looking good so far.

impatience

This dating on the interweb thing is strange. The few exchanges before you meet someone can make it seem like you know much more about them then you do. Because, really, you know nothing.

Nothing except what they've chosen to reveal to you. And that could be either very little, or a complete lie.

Yes, this may be no different than meeting someone the "old-fashioned" way. After all, two I dated after meeting without the aid of the interweb ended up being 1) not yet really divorced and b) living in his parents' basement.

No, I really didn't know either was the case for a few months. Yes, I need to ask more questions.

Anyway, back to what I was saying... what was I saying?

Oh, so, after my date the other night, I thought there was potential. But with a missed text and a missed joke, the whole thing has apparently fallen apart.

It's just too easy in this pick-a-new-date interweb world to say, next. Before giving something a chance.

And we all know I'm a give-a-chance kinda girl. Perhaps to a fault.

I just get frustrated. I know I'm fabulous. And I know someday I'll find someone fabulous who agrees with me. I'm just getting a little impatient.