out of the blue

He insisted I stop by, and he'd make dinner. His logic was that I had to eat anyway. He apparently doesn't realize that dinner in my world lately means lunch leftovers eaten at my desk.

I thought about it, very briefly, and decided a home-cooked meal sounded much better than half an old sandwich.

We talked while he finished cooking. But before dinner, he went into the back room and came out with roses and a card.

I thanked him. Then, after quickly wracking my brain for a date of significance I may have missed, I asked what they were for. He said they were just because.

The only other flowers he'd ever given me were when I'd had some hardware put in my ankle. It has been months, so I just assumed he wasn't the flower-giving kind of guy.

I love getting flowers randomly. And they are beautiful. But I have to admit, the out-of-the-blueness makes me wonder if there may actually be a reason.

familiar feeling

After my third extra beverage of the day, I started feeling a bit ill. I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and pull the covers over my head.

I was jittery, yet sick to my stomach. I popped outside to get a little fresh air and grabbed some water.

It didn't help. The feeling was familiar, yet far away in the recesses of my memory.

I couldn't place it at first. But when I started craving not just caffeine, but Mountain Dew, it hit me.

It's that middle-of-finals feeling. Only this set of "tests" won't be over until mid-April.

The worst part is my friends and the boy aren't right there with me, experiencing the same hellish stress.

Instead, they're planning happy hours and going to parties. Hitting the slopes and the yoga mat. Planning warm weather get-aways to Mexico and interesting trips to Europe.

Here I am, stuck sitting at my desk, just day-dreaming about a relaxing evening walking TheDog then sitting down to catch up on 24. At least I have my DVR and a trip in May to look forward to.

swirling darkness

There's something swirling around in the darkness. Whispering something. But I can't understand what it's trying to convey.

I wake up, breathless, anxious.

My dreams have been vivid lately. I get the distinct feeling there's something I'm supposed to be taking from them. But I barely remember them once I awake. Only a few brilliant pictures or the slightest sense of something important remains.

I've tried to focus on remembering just as I wake up. Tried writing them down. None of this helps. As soon as sleep drifts away and consciousness drifts in, the dream is gone.

There only persists an underlying feeling of unrest. That something is not right. Now if I could only figure out what exactly that might be.

one day in the sun

It was relaxing. I enjoyed talking with my grandma and her friends. I even got to read outside for a bit, enjoying the sun.

The natives thought me crazy for walking around with shorts on when it was barely 60 degrees. But it was balmy compared to here.

And although most people wouldn't consider a trip to a retirement community, with the most exciting occurence being walking the dog, a great trip. I definitely do.

Despite being delayed over two hours coming home. Despite having to work while there. A short two day visit with my grandma was just what I needed.

Now it's time to get back to the snow and the impending avalanche that I'm certain will be my inbox.

over the river

Yes, to grandmother's house I go. I'm off for a quick visit and (hopefully) a dose of warm weather.

I fenagled an entire afternoon off of work. Impressive? Not really, I'll have over two days of overtime in before I leave.

But despite being required to find a WiFi connection, I'm hoping to take a break from the constant working.

Relax even.

Have interesting conversations with my grandma. And perhaps even read a book that has nothing to do with my job.

no complaints

Stress takes its toll. Lines around eyes deepen, circles under them darken. Skin starts to resemble the dusty ash look of a statue. Friends start giving that are-you-sure-you're-alright-you-look-terrible look.

When I'm stressed I start out looking worse than I feel. I can thrive on sleep deprivation and too much office time. But eventually the general unsettled feeling and blah-ness of the stress far surpasses any possible appearance of such. That's when stress comes pouring out in my attitude.

That's when everyone around should beware.

Friends and the boy try to help. They tell me to relax. To take it easy. To go for a swim. To switch jobs. These harmless (good) suggestions bring out my frustration.

Yes, I know I'm stressed. Yes, I know I'm grouchy. And yes, I know I look terrible (and feel not-so-great, too). These don't need to be pointed out to me.

And yes something needs to change. But things have to be done. There's no one else right now that can do them. And as my boss has said, I can sleep when I'm dead.

Besides, I do actually like the projects I'm working on, and I am taking a "day off" this week. So what am I complaining about.

what I'm looking for

I work too much. This I know. But when he called me out on it, it really bothered me.

Mostly because the truth cuts. But also because he's supposed to understand. He's supposed to be supportive.

He talks on and on about his job. I ask questions. I'm supportive. But he barely pays attention when I talk about mine. And, of course I think mine is more interesting.

Maybe it's the stereotypical thing. Maybe I'm supposed to be the one waiting to talk to him at the end of the day just to ask him how his day was.

The problem is, I'm not stereotypical. I refuse to be. If that is who he's looking for, then I guess his search is not over.

Not that I need him to be waiting to ask me how my day was. But after he asks, he could at least pretend to be interested in the answer.

I don't think the "how was your day" should be the same as a rhetorical "how are you" when passing by an acquaintance.

Work is a big part of my life right now. If he can't understand that, or take the littlest bit of interest in what interests me, then maybe my search isn't over, either.

fabulous

Any time I mention to my guy friends that I am heading out for Girls' Night, they get a smile on their faces. It's almost as if I can see the cartoon bubble pop up over their heads with their visions of my friends and I pillow-fighting in our lingerie. And every time, I have to laugh.

The reality doesn't quite match their visions. But any guy might blush at some of the topics of conversation that get discussed over wine and cheese flights when the girls get together.

We stayed out far too late for a "school night." We usually do.

One of my friends who is relatively new to the group commented to me after a few too many glasses of wine that I have fabulous friends. I responded with my own too-many-glasses-of-wine brazenness, that of course I do, after all, I'm fabulous. We both giggled.

The evening was full of tales of guys and jobs. Flirting and free-drink receiving. The occasional serious discussion of a problem or politics. All in all, it was an interesting and entertaining evening.

As I crawled under the covers with my red-wine haze nowhere near evaporating, I realized my friend was very smart indeed, and completely right. I definitely have fabulous friends.

Joey

The sunset just brought tears back to my eyes. And with them memories.

It was a beautiful evening. We were sitting upstairs on the deck at one of our favorite bars. There were many of us. The reason behind that, I can't remember. But much of the rest of the evening I will never forget.

My old roommate insisted on buying rounds for my current roommate, me and herself. We weren't exactly what one might call sober.

We first met Joey downstairs as we were walking through the bar. Several of us remarked about how adorable Joey was.

Our night was filled with many drinks, great friends and laughter. Somewhere near the end of the evening Joey came up to us again. Rubbed against my leg. I was smitten.

My roommate and I took Joey home.

We kept Joey for the rest of the year and a half that we lived together.

When I moved back "home," my roommate kept Joey, mostly because I was not sure exactly where I'd be living.

She's had many medical issues ever since we found her in her namesake bar that night. But we (and mostly my roommate and her husband) have done our best to make sure she stays healthy and comfortable. She chose well that night, years ago, on that crowded deck.

I have visited Joey many times since college. I just got to see her when I visited my old roommate in October. Pet her. Play with her. I talked to her on the phone today, and she purred for me.

I had to talk to her today. Twice. To say goodbye. They have decided to put my our beloved cat to sleep. Her health had taken a very steep downturn.

Despite being at work, I couldn't help crying when I talked to her.

How do you say goodbye to your cat over the phone? How can you not cry when you know it's the last time you'll ever get to talk to her? How do you express gratitude to your friends for taking care of her for so long, for being brave enough to know when it's time?

Dear little Joey, I'll miss you. Terribly. You sweet, crazy, loving, biting, fluffy ball of white and black. I will always treasure our too-short time together. I love you very much. Goodbye my friend.

oh, Murphy

Addendum to Murphy's Law (of my life): If it can go wrong, it will, and expensively.

Car is running again. But Car needed more than double the amount of things replaced then I'd thought. Which of course was more than doubly expensive.

If the foot and a half high ruts on the sidestreets don't get taken care of soon by Mr. Hickenlooper or Mother Nature, I'm going to have to buy an SUV. A really old, crappy one, because after fixing my front suspension yesterday because of the ridiculously rutty roads, I won't be able to afford anything else.

I am happy to have Car back.

Although I only had the rental for a few hours yesterday, it reminded me how much I love Car.

Yes, I realize that's a little odd. If only Car had slightly higher clearance, our love affair would never end.

it's not you, it's me

He's not going. But it has not a thing to do with me. It's because the opportunity wasn't great for his career. Staying will be better for him. And of course, his dog.

Alright then. At least I got a glimpse of where I stand without having to actually push the issue.

Not that I'm giving up. I'm not. But it's good to know. And I'm just researching things, afterall.

comfortable

I thought things had been going great. No major disasters since the sewer pipe incident. Then I get the one, two punch.

My car is being extremely persnickety. Not starting randomly. And it's nothing electrical. It never has had a problem before. I'm hoping it will be an inexpensive fix. But I know with my track record it likely won't be.

A friend joked with me after the pipe incident that I should start my own disaster relief fund. I laughed at the time, I'm not laughing anymore.

And to make my Monday even more Monday-ish, when he picked me up from work (yes, because my car wouldn't start), he told me he may be leaving. For several months. And his only reason for maybe not leaving? His dog.

His reason maybe answered many of my non-spoken questions. Maybe it's time to ask them, maybe the answers don't matter anymore.

Just when things started to seem good, comfortable, everything starts to become the opposite.

three

Today is the day two of my best friends were born. Both of them were college roommates of mine. Both of them now have their own families. Both have been amazing friends to me.

Thinking about them today reminded me of college, of how we all met.

One of them (R) was my first college roommate. The other (K) lived a couple doors down the hall. We all became good friends within the first few months of school.

After two years on campus, the three of us moved to a two-bedroom apartment together. And even though R and I had shared a dorm room for two years, the two of them decided they'd let me have my own room because I supposedly stayed up studying later, and had more stuff. I always wondered if it was really because R was sick of me, but tried to not let it bother me.

K and I swam together that year and the next, so we got our quality friend time in. R and I spent plenty of time together, as well. But often I felt like the odd man out. The third wheel.

And it wasn't just with them. I always seemed to have very, very good friends. Best friends even. But never just one. Never a true best friend.

I sometimes wonder if it's me. If something keeps me from letting people get close enough to become my best friend. If I'll always be the third.

run in

she stood by the counter, waiting for her drink, chatting with the man behind the counter. she felt his warmth envelope her.

after he released his hug, she turned to face him. they grinned at each other and exchanged hellos before hugging properly.

they talked and caught up on each others' lives, as much as they could in the few minutes they had. they were both busy. life and the weather seemed to get in the way of their plans to meet on purpose. as they parted ways, they promised they'd try to find time to grab a drink or coffee together soon.

as she drove away, memories of their friendship were on continuous video loop in her head. maybe all wasn't as it was supposed to be. maybe they had both been kidding themselves for months. what if fate, knowing they couldn't seem to do it for themselves, kept haphazardly throwing them into each others' paths for a reason.

acceptance

I wasn't looking forward to it. There were a million things I should have been doing instead. A million things I would have rather been doing. But when your mother insists, you politely put on your smile and go.

Dinner before was wonderful. With Dungeness crab sandwiches and seared ahi, you can't go wrong in my opinion. As we settled into our seats, we remarked that at least the meal was great.

As the curtain opened we were prepared to be unimpressed. As the curtain opened again for the curtain call, we were all three on our feet smiling sincerely and clapping.

It was lighthearted on the surface. Funny. Many sexual innuendos I thought my mom would blush at, but she laughed along with my sister and I.

At it's core was a message. One of acceptance, of open-mindedness.

Too many times recently I've had to shake my head. Too many people refuse to listen to others' points of view. Refuse to put themselves in another's shoes. Refuse to open their minds a crack. Refuse to believe that another's beliefs may not be so different. That another may not be so different.

It was a fantastic night out with my mom and sister. One that made me thankful I can discuss nearly anything with them. I'm certainly not saying they always (or even often) agree with me, but at least they listen.

resolute

In reflecting on the past year, I realized there were a few things that could stand to change. Although I’m more-or-less happy with where things are, I know there is definitely room for improvement.

I always say I never make New Year’s Resolutions, but I do. Just not out loud, and certainly not in writing. My first resolution covers that, and explains why I’m writing my first real list of resolutions.

1. Hold myself more accountable. (Hence this list.) I tend to shift blame for certain things to other people and incidents. This has to be the first in the list so the others can follow.


2. Get better organized. (Note the better.) If you knew me, you’d know that organization of things is definitely not my forte.


3. Keep in touch better. (Again, the better.) I haven’t been terrible about this, but there’s definitely room for improvement. And with so many of my great friends moving away last year, this one is necessary.


4. Get back in better shape. (There’s a theme going, isn’t there?) My broken ankle derailed all delusions of fitness I had last summer. And it’s time to stop blaming my pain on broken bones and car accidents.


5. Work hard, but take more time off to play hard, too. (TheDog and the boy insisted on this one.)


6. Read, write, throw and paint more. (Yes this includes writing here and reading all of your blogs, sorry I’ve been absent lately.)


7. Relax more!

I know people say that set goals are what one should focus on when making resolutions. I disagree. At least when it comes to my own resolutions.

I know myself. I know I’ll fail at all of these on occasion.

And if I set a specific goal, and fail. I’ll quit.

If I simply say I’ll get better and do things more, then each day can be a new day to work on every one of these resolutions. And all are things I can continue working on, even after 2007 is over.

Here’s to a more better 2007!

a simple turn of the page

It's simply another page turned. But this page always seems more meaningful than the others. It's when not only the month changes, but the year, as well.

Another twelve months has flown by, particularly the last week or so. It's time again for what I've decided will be an annual year in review.

A year ago at this time I was celebrating the start of the new year with family and friends, determined to make 2006 better than 2005 had been.

In some ways, I'd say I've succeeded, in others, well, not so much. But the last year has definitely brought many changes and along with them, many memories...

Flying to various places to help my best friends celebrate the end of their singledom, the upcoming arrival of their little ones, two Cali weddings and one in Austin.

Ski trips with college friends, work friends and family.

Saying goodbye to far too many friends who moved too far away.

Two trips to the east coast, to visit my many friends who live there and do some site-seeing.

Meeting two amazing blogging friends on my travels.

Yet another year when an ER visit in the beginning of August was necessary.

And yet another year with five first kisses, some that turned into more, some that didn't. And one that seems to still be going.

Many days and nights spent relaxing and having fun with friends and family.

Continuing to write, throw pottery, test out my not-so-new-anymore camera and finish another triathlon, making more new friends in the process.

Another trip to the south to see friends while listening to good music.

Another year at the beer festival and another, more humorous, run-in with the past.

Taking a boy home with me for a holiday, who, for the first time, wasn't just a friend.

Working too much. Much too much.

And of course many excellent shows including:
BB King, BHTM², the Nadas, Cake, Coldplay, David Gray, Aqualung, Bodeans², Freddy Jones Band, Mike Doughty, Guster², Aimee Mann, Richard Thompson, John Hiatt, Counting Crows, Goo Goo Dolls, Gin Blossoms, Lyle Lovett, the Fray², Chris Isaak, Pearl Jam, Tom Petty, CSNY, DMB, Death Cab, Bruce Cockburn, David Wilcox, Bonnie Raitt, Willie Nelson, Van Morrison, Gomez, Sheryl Crow, John Mayer, Los Lobos, Paul Simon, and of course my friends' bands, many times. (um, yeah, you know about my little problem, right?)

In looking back through the year in posts to find the links above, I realized that although this year wasn't filled with all good things, it was filled with enough great things that made up for the not-so-great. Many of the great things aren't specific events. Many are simple moments, some captured in words (if you want to look through those archives) but many not.

This also made me realize that I wasn't as good about writing as I had hoped I would be at this time last year. So? So, I am going to make that one of my resolutions. Yes, real New Year's resolutions to come.

Hope your 2006 was filled with love and laughter!
Happy New Year!