tangled webs

although not big on going to bars alone, she walked up to the door. the only reason she was there at all was because he asked her if she was going to be. she was nervous.

she was curious why she felt the butterflies. were they because she didn't like to play the part of the barfly or because he would be there.

he was in the doorway as she walked in. he gave her a big hug. then said he'd be right back. he'd forgotten something in his car.

unsure where to go while she waited to talk to him, she tried to look nonchalant as she headed to the bar to order a drink. she'd been out with friends earlier, and decided sticking with beer was her best bet, despite the urge to order a shot. she told herself that it was just nerves. but why?

the last time she'd seen him was even more brief than the time before. they'd barely said hello to each other. he'd promised he'd find her tonight so they could talk.

with beer in hand, she surveyed the room. another one of his friends walked up to her. she was so happy to see another familiar face. now she didn't have to play the part of the barfly.

she sat at a table with his friend. they laughed and joked and eventually he joined them. he told the tale of jealousy of an ex and a girl she suspected him of dating. they were both there that night.

it was strange, really. the timing of the tale. as if he knew what she wanted to tell him last time they really talked. as if he wanted to let her know he didn't feel the same.

was that it? or, as his friend later suggested, was he trying to make her jealous? perhaps. but there was another question she really needed to figure out the answer to. was she just trying to make him jealous when she left the bar with his friend?

take me out

what better way to toast to summer than over a beer and hotdog (or doughy, pretzely thing) at a ballgame?

I had to work late, so I met my friends at the game.

it rained a little, but that just made for the perfect summer evening. and left a beautiful canvas for the setting sun to paint.

the game went into extra innings. meaning more time with my friends. one is moving across an ocean soon, so I didn't mind, despite the mountain of work awaiting me.

it was a sad ending to the evening. not only did the home team lose. but I said goodbye to a friend. I can't take many more goodbyes. although I still have a few too many to endure in the coming weeks.

crazy days of summer, already?

can anyone tell me where spring went? and how did it get to be summer already?

I've been ridiculously busy. not that that is news. my sister's news turned out not to be of the good variety. it's sad for her, she's doing alright. thanks for all of your concern.

I actually think the timing of this particular news turned out to be better than she believes. but I can't say that to her. I just have to be supportive and hope things work out well for her with this.

as for me? I've been researching more. and have entertaining stories to tell. but as you all know, I never tell until they're good. or over. or so vague no one knows what I'm talking about. one of the three, at least, will be coming soon.

but between working and playing I have had no time for writing. unless work calms down some, that's not changing anytime very soon.

I'm off to California on Friday for yet another wedding. that is, if I can make it to Friday with all this working and playing.

when good news isn't

my sister called me this morning. she had news. it may be good, but it may not be. she won't know for certain until Friday.

I want to be happy for her, if it turns out to be the good news. but the good news scares me more than the bad.

I could mask my lack of enthusiasm with her on the phone. I could play it off as concern that it would not turn out to be the good news she is hoping for.

but what do I say if it turns out to be the good news? how do I look my baby sister in the eyes and tell her I'm happy for her when I'm really terribly scared for her?

dirty, hungry and thirsty

it's not funny. but at the same time, it's been hilarious.

I've been so ridiculously busy lately, that I haven't done laundry, grocery shopped, or watered my lawn in far too long.

I also need to get to the pool. get on my bike. go for a "run." if not, I may have to bail on the race.

so what exactly have I been doing lately? I've been staying out far too late drinking, spending perhaps a little too much time relaxing with friends, and spending way too much time sitting at my desk at work. and slowly, I'm going insane.

all I want is a normal routine. to not skip class to do work. to not waste time meeting a guy that turns out to be an ass. to sleep more than 5 hours. to take TheDog out for a walk. to not have to say goodbye to another friend. to have a carton of milk in my fridge.

but for now, it's all just a dream.

steamy revelations

it's been the same old thing for weeks, months, even longer.

I lost it a while ago. and since then I've been going through the motions. trying to feel the same way again.

every morning, getting up, going through the routine. I still tasted it, breathed it in. it used to make me smile. lately the smile hasn't followed.

this morning I inhaled. breathing it in. feeling it. tasting it. something was different.

with the first sip, came the smile. have I found it again? is the taste back? does that mean the rest will follow?

wine whine

when did I get so dumb? I can't figure these things out anymore. (maybe it was just too many glasses of wine with dinner tonight. maybe that just led to the incoherence that follows.)

anyway, I used to know when I was going after the wrong thing. when life didn't make sense, I would change what needed changing.

life doesn't make sense. and this time it's not just one thing. I can't pinpoint what needs changing first. my job. my friends. the guy situation. my attitude. my expectations. my hopes.

I'm usually happy. or mostly so. lately I can't shake the funk. and I find myself doing ridiculous things for ridiculous reasons.

I blew off my friends for a boy. then I blew off that boy to go home early.

what makes it worse is I had previously decided that boy isn't worth it. but lately I've begun to question that. sometimes his interest seems sincere and sometimes not at all. I don't think I'm who he's looking for. and he may not be that for me.

but he makes me laugh. and talking to him is the only thing that consistently makes me happy lately. I even use our conversations to psyche myself up to talk to the others.

and, as for the others, the one I kind of liked disappeared. as did another. and the one whose interest remains is losing mine. although as J said, there are always more.

but I'm tired. exhausted, really. I just want to sleep. not have to get up to work or even rollerblade.

I don't want to wake up to find all my friends are really gone. I don't want to wake up to find that all of the possibilities really aren't.

star-crossed

their eyes met across the room. he smiled his disarming smile. she smiled back.

he joined them for a while. their playful banter met with a raised eyebrow from her friend. she'd insisted they were only friends now. she insisted to her friends. to herself.

but she was begining to question if maybe there was more. and that uncertainty was now apparent to her friend.

her friend had to leave, and she was exhausted. so they finished their drinks and made their way toward the door. as they were leaving he teased her about her inability to stay out late.

she wanted to tell him the only reason she was even there at all was him. she wanted to tell him that she maybe did want more than just his friendship.

but she held back. she couldn't put it all out there again. she was too afraid of not even being his friend if she did. she was too afraid that she'd completely misread the look in his eyes. misread everything, again.

how could she ever tell him that she'd been comparing every guy she met to him. whether they could make her laugh. whether they understood her slightly odd sense of humor. whether their conversations left her wanting to know more. know everything.

she couldn't. not now. she was beginning to think that maybe he was right when he called them star-crossed.

hey jealousy

you know it might not be that bad, you were the best I ever had...
all I really want is to be with you, feeling like I matter too.

that song reminds me of college. and a boyfriend after college. and now, how he now lives in the town I went to collge in.

he was the best boyfriend I ever had. everything was real when we were together. it was comfortable and easy when we first met. and the chemistry was amazing.

we may have played little games along the way, but not the big ones. he knew how I felt I knew how he did. in the end the timing turned out to be really bad. for both of us.

do we get a second chance at it? not we, as in he and me. we, as in all of us. will it, can it, ever just all fit again?

friendly truth

just when you think things are going well, the curveball gets thrown.

it had been a good week. two dates already, and a third for that night. that's when I saw the missed call. right around the time the SUV was trying to make me lunch.

seriously? a year and a half since his last call?

when the topic was brought up around my friends over the weekend, they all, emphatically insisted I should not, under any circumstances, call him back.

I hadn't planned on it. but it was interesting to hear that none of my friends liked him when we were together. particularly since that's not what they told me at the time.

I asked my friends to please tell me in the future if they think I'm dating a loser. they said that's hard to do. these are my good friends. surely we're close enough that they can say something tactful like, I'm not sure he's the best person for you.

maybe not. maybe it is something everyone has to learn for themselves. maybe sometimes it is impossible to tell a friend the truth.

regardless, it's made me question the guys I've met lately. their sincerity. their flakiness. whether one may be a good fit for me. maybe in some strange way, I actually needed this curveball.

it's hazardous being me

my hands are shaking.

TheMan just bought us all lunch. one of my co-workers and I took a short walk to pick it up. on the way back, we joked about my clumsiness. we decided they would probably fire me if I dropped six of the lunches.

crossing the parking lot of our building, I apparently angered an enormous SUV. although it avoided my co-worker, it did it's best to run me over.

if I hadn't been paying attention, hadn't noticed the woman on her cell phone, clearly not caring that I was in her way, speeding up around the corner. if I hadn't jumped back about three or so feet, I'd be a hood ornament right now.

get off your cell phone and pay attention!

as I grumbled in disbelief at the idiocy of some drivers, my co-worker laughed and wondered aloud if they would have fired me if the reason I dropped six lunches was because I was now a parking lot pancake.

best friends

he's there almost everyday, too. I guess that makes us both regulars. he has a beautiful golden retriever. he always talks with me about our dogs.

not too long ago I was reading on the patio with TheDog at my feet. he came over to ask how old TheDog was. I answered 12. he replied that as soon as she's gone, I would have to run right out and get another, or I'd be lonely.

I was a little taken aback. he's older, he meant well. that I know. but that didn't stop the sadness from creeping into my thoughts.

that (and stories a friend or two have told recently about dogs) reminded me of TheDog's best friend, PB*.

it's been nearly 4 years, but I vividly remember the emergency vet visits in the middle of the night.

the first, in particular. she'd been sick. it was near Christmas time. the x-rays showed she had a growth, on her spleen.

the vet couldn't be sure if it was cancer, or not. without surgery.

this was an extrememly difficult decision for my mom. our black lab growing up had surgery, right after I'd left for college. to fix something wrong with her spleen. she didn't make it through the surgery, at only 8.

with PB, it was even harder, she was 12. but, eventually my parents decided to go ahead with the surgery. the understanding being that if things looked really bad once they opened her up, they'd do the "humane" thing.

the vet removed the mass along with her spleen. it was indeed cancer. but they were fairly sure they'd gotten it all. to be certain, they gave her chemo. it made her sick. but after the treatments they were convinced they'd helped.

she got sick again. by then it was summer. one Friday my mom called to tell me she was worried about PB. I hopped in my car and drove down.

my dad was heading to his high school reunion for the weekend. so she was alone. they were trying to decide if they wanted to try yet another surgery for her. my mom wasn't willing to let her go, so she was leaning towards the surgery, it would be Monday.

Saturday afternoon my dad called to say he was on his way home. he was cutting his trip short. he'd had a feeling that he needed to be home.**

I will never forget that Sunday afternoon, my parents, PB, TheDog and I were all in my their front yard. relaxing with the dogs under the aspen trees.

my dad gave PB a kiss on the head and left to run an errand. soon after he left, PB used every ounce of energy she had and got up from her spot and wandered to the middle of the grass before laying back down.

I moved to be near her. my mom did too. I remember thinking it strange that TheDog didn't move, since before that she had been glued to us all.

I laid belly down with PB's head on my arm, her labored breathing audible above the singing birds. I prayed that whatever happened, whether they went ahead with the surgery or not, that she would no longer be in pain.

moments later, she picked up her head and looked straight into my eyes with a look I will never forget. she wasn't in pain anymore. she was completely at peace. and she took her last breath on this earth.


* this is the only digital picture I could find of PB. it was the Spring before she passed away. I have much better film ones, I'll find one and scan it in soon.

** I have tales to tell about these kind of things. but I'll save them for another day.

in search of water

after spending most of the weekend with my family, I was ready for some me time on Sunday. I was about to head out the door to walk TheDog to get some coffee, when the phone rang.

it was J. the offer of a short hike was made. I had to accept. I hadn't been on a decent hike for a while. and I hadn't spent much time with J recently.

we headed up the hill. it was hot already, so we set out in search of a cooler place to hike. we settled on a moderate hike up to a waterfall.

the trailhead had too many cars. but we knew of nothing else close, and we'd already driven a bit to get there. we decided it would do.

the trail rose abruptly at first, winding through stands of pine trees. past huge boulders.

TheDog kept looking for water. although, there wasn't much to be found, she took every opportunity to cool off in the small pools along the way.

we finally got to the falls. with the dry conditions, there wasn't much water to fall. amazing at this time of the year, the time that is supposed to be the highest run-off of the season.

despite the lackluster end of the hike, we relaxed on a rock and enjoyed the beautiful day. it was getting cloudy so we hurriedly finished our granola bars and headed back down the trail.

it was a great escape from the city. from the heat. we enjoyed our hike, but not as much as TheDog did.

as we got back into town, we decided to grab dinner on a patio. the green plants on the patio were a stark contrast to the dry mountainside we were walking on an hour before.

even when nature disappoints a little, friends are there to make lazy Sundays anything but that.

I drink alone

everyone always says you'll find it when you're not looking.
everyone says you can't find it if you sit there and wait for it.

so, what to do?

with the loss of the bet, I had to do it. and I did. but as my friend who made the bet with me insisted, just putting info up and paying doesn't mean I fulfilled the bet.

it's true. I met one great guy. but, after he abruptly did the disappearing act, it made me question the process. it made me question the sincerity of all guys.

I know they're not all the same. there are some sincere ones. I'm friends with many of them. the sincere ones just never seem to be interested in more than friendship with me.

so to truly get her off my back for fulfillment of a nearly year-old bet, I stepped it up a notch. I have dates set up. my attitude isn't the best about the whole thing, but I'm working on that. and at the very worst I get to drink a few nights this week, and not alone.

unlucky

I don't want to believe that I am. even when people say that I am. I deny it. but I'm starting to rethink that. maybe.

if you look at my past mishaps. at the flat tires, fried printers, slips, falls, other accidents. you would probably think my luck was perhaps not the best.

and so it continues.

I noticed as I left work tonight that my new cell wasn't working. I figured it was a temprary network issue. I didn't think anything of it as I met a friend to walk TheDog around the park then enjoy the beautiful spring evening over dinner on a great patio.

when it still wasn't working when I got home, I called customer service. they kept me on the phone for about an hour trying various things to get it working.

no luck.

I will have to go into one of their stores and get a new card for it. and that may fix it.

not a huge deal except I have to go into the field tomorrow, and have to leave before their stores open. and I need my phone when I'm out there.

of course. unlucky? unlucky.

where everybody knows your name

she was running late. the kind of late that has no real rhyme or reason. she'd been up for hours before leaving the house.

she caught up on a few quick work things she needed to do. she cleaned out the car. she ended up going through some mail, even. why? she was late. she knew she was. but that didn't hurry her on her way.

she was exhausted. for the last few nights she hadn't slept well. so, of course, she stopped to feed her addiction on the way into the office. as she walked in, she heard her everyday greetings. good morning. how are you. returned as always.

as she waited for her hot steaming cup of addiction, he walked in. a friendly hug. light easy banter.

after her addiction arrived, she lightly touched his arm and told him she had to go. his eyes gave him away.

she said she was sorry, she was late. she couldn't stay and enjoy the sunny patio again that morning. she really needed to get to work.

why, then, had she been so delayed in leaving her house. was there a reason. one she wasn't willing to acknowledge.

to be a mom

my weekend revolved around motherhood. you may be thinking that makes sense, what with today being Mother's Day. but that was only a small part of it.

at happy hour on Friday my good friend ordered Sprite. when we teased her about her beverage of choice she informed us that yes, indeed, she was expecting. she'll be an amazing mom. her nonchalant answer, when we asked if she and her husband were still planning on moving in a month or so, and if she was still starting school in the fall, assured us that she can handle whatever her path may bring.

on Saturday I spent my day with several of my great friends, at the twins' birthday party. there were a few grandparents there and three of my friends who are moms. they were all talking about things only mothers really find enthralling. and although they tried to continuously include me in their conversations about feeding schedules and hours of sleep, I found myself more at home playing with the kids.

on Sunday I spent much of the day with my mom. we took our dogs for a short hike, looked at old family photos, and had dinner with the entire family.

the photos were sorted through for possible inclusion in a slideshow at her retirement party in a couple weeks. just by looking at the pictures it was apparent that despite the fact that she was giving up her "kids" in a couple of weeks. her real job is and always was raising her own kids.

and she is very much looking forward to helping raise her grandkids. even more so now. my brother and his family are moving closer to my parents to take advantage of my moms' retirement. my mom is so thrilled by the news.

after dinner, my dad asked me what TheDog got me for Mother's Day. I told him love. then I showed him the bruises on my arm and my leg. she'd knocked me down the stairs, of course, completely accidentally.

so despite what those in the mom club say, I don't think you have to be a mom to get it. by knowing great moms, watching how they are with their kids. I think I may get it. by worrying more about TheDog after my tumble and whether she was ok then my own painful leg. I think I may get it.

I'm sure most moms will tell me I'm wrong. that you can't ever get it until you are one. I'm not sure I believe that.

watching it all

after a little more quality time with my newly married friends, I headed to Grand Central Station.

I was a little early for my train up to White Plains to meet up with my college roommates. So I wandered around the station. such a beautiful building. so many people hurrying on their ways. life continuing on, despite my stopping to watch it.

it's odd, I love public transportation. the idea of taking a train to work everyday intrigues me. I know those that do probably get tired of it. it's probably not nearly as interesting as I imagine it to be.

after some down time, we left the little ones with dad and headed into the city on Saturday to see a play on Broadway. it was pouring rain, so a significant part of the afternoon we spent inside catching up over lunch. as it got dark, we decided it was time to do something. we wandered around Times Square, Rockefeller Center, and saw Radio City Music Hall.

our meanderings took us to the Empire State Building. when we got to the ticket window to head up to the observation deck, they informed us the visibility was very limited. we decided to save the view from the top for another trip.

it was so great to see my friends. we met in New York because my college roommate for three years had twins in September, and we had to go to her, since she won't be traveling soon. our other roommate told us all she was expecting. and my other roommate was so excited about her new job, the cute animal stories never ceased.

everyone with so many exciting things going on in their lives. except me. I again felt as if I were stopped, while everyone else sped by, getting on with their lives. it sounds dreary, I know. but I do appreciate the chance to visit all of my busy friends. catch up with them. live vicariously. for now.

blue skies in the city

after my walk through Central Park, I met S and her friend for lunch. although I'd only met S once before at their wedding, it was as if I'd known her forever. as if I was having lunch with two friends from college not intruding on such a lunch.

after lunch, I braved the subway and explored the West Village and Greenwich Village. finding myself drawn to Washington Square Park. I walked around laughing at the performers along with the crowd. there was an amazing number of people out enjoying the beautiful spring day.

as I was wandering the square, my friend called to see where I wanted to meet him for dinner. we ended up heading to a tiny sushi restaurant on the edge of SoHo. and he was right, it ruined me for mediocre sushi for a while.

he laughed at me when I told him about my day. it did not surprise him that I ended up in the parks. it made sense for the Colorado girl to seek out the blue sky.

he was right. I love big cities. to visit. I know I could never live somewhere without significant open spaces. on the subway home, he said he agreed. which made their move back to the left coast welcome to him.

anniversaries, of sorts

this isn't funny. it isn't light-hearted. if you want to see some pretty pictures or if you're looking for a breezy Friday read keep on going to my last post.

....................................................................

two years ago, today, I was on my way to work. I was excited to be able to really work out again after my bathtub incident*. the doc had forbidden various activities including swimming and running until my neck and shoulder were better.

the day before she'd given me the ok to do whatever I wanted. it was the first time in almost 9 months that I had my gym bag in the car and intended to go for a run at lunch on a beautiful spring day.

I sat at a stop light. listening to the radio. all of a sudden, BAM. crashing noises. pain.

ever more concerned about angering other people, to get out of traffic, I pulled into the parking lot right there. the car that had hit me did the same.

I was scared. my laptop was in the trunk. I'd stayed up working late. needed to get a report out that day. and the only place that report existed was on my laptop.

I slowly got out of the car. I was in pain. I was shaking. I didn't know what to do. I looked at the trunk. it was smashed in.

the other driver asked if I was ok. I said I didn't know. I sat back in my car. disoriented. I think he called in the accident. some of the events immediately after the accident still don't make sense. have no order.

a very nice girl was heading to class at the seminary where we'd pulled in. she came up to talk to me. to check if I was ok. she asked where I hurt. after explaining, she went inside. one of her classmates had been an EMT. he came out and insisted that I needed to go to the ER.

I reluctantly agreed. still concerned about the report. when the ambulance got there, they agreed with the seminary student. the only thing I knew was that my laptop needed to go with me. could the cops please bring it to the hospital with them?

at the hospital I was scared. I was on a back board. in a neck brace. I called my dad. my mom, being a teacher, can't always take calls. and although my sister could have been there in minutes, she wasn't speaking to me then. I assured him I was ok. they were just being cautious.

he asked if I was scared. I lied. I didn't want him to worry. to call my mom and worry her. or my sister.

after several hours of waiting and x-rays and such, the docs determined I was bent, but not broken. they gave me some pain meds and told me to go see my doctor within the next few days.

I called work. our receptionist came and got me from the hospital, she insisted she should take me home. I insisted I had to send out the report that day. it was a court deadline. couldn't be missed.

after a few blurry hours at work, she took me back to my car. I insisted I could drive home. as I got into my car the nice girl from that morning stopped by. she asked how I was. gave me her name and number. she'd seen the accident. I should call if I needed anything. or if something happened that I needed her as a witness.

I never did use that number. the police determined he was completely at fault. I always wished I had called and thanked her. told her that her kindness and compassion meant everything to me that morning.

....................................................................

and I can't believe I've been at this a year as of tomorrow. it's cool and kind of scary at the same time. I started it last year when I was feeling a little glum about how my back had not progressed enough in a year. sadly, that hasn't changed too much. but my outlook is a little brighter. and I'm enjoying writing, again. I think I have posted over a two hundred posts. I can't believe I have that much to say. and I can't believe I have only told a very few of the stories I have swirling around in my memory.


* explanation of the bathtub incident is buried somewhere in this post...