when did I get so dumb? I can't figure these things out anymore. (maybe it was just too many glasses of wine with dinner tonight. maybe that just led to the incoherence that follows.)
anyway, I used to know when I was going after the wrong thing. when life didn't make sense, I would change what needed changing.
life doesn't make sense. and this time it's not just one thing. I can't pinpoint what needs changing first. my job. my friends. the guy situation. my attitude. my expectations. my hopes.
I'm usually happy. or mostly so. lately I can't shake the funk. and I find myself doing ridiculous things for ridiculous reasons.
I blew off my friends for a boy. then I blew off that boy to go home early.
what makes it worse is I had previously decided that boy isn't worth it. but lately I've begun to question that. sometimes his interest seems sincere and sometimes not at all. I don't think I'm who he's looking for. and he may not be that for me.
but he makes me laugh. and talking to him is the only thing that consistently makes me happy lately. I even use our conversations to psyche myself up to talk to the others.
and, as for the others, the one I kind of liked disappeared. as did another. and the one whose interest remains is losing mine. although as J said, there are always more.
but I'm tired. exhausted, really. I just want to sleep. not have to get up to work or even rollerblade.
I don't want to wake up to find all my friends are really gone. I don't want to wake up to find that all of the possibilities really aren't.