playing catch-up

I'm sitting here at one of my favorite spots, listening to my favorite music, and watching the twinkling Christmas lights dance as the tree limbs bend in the wind. normally I would be entirely content. but tonight I wish I were doing anything but this.

the only reason I'm here is because I'm behind. so very far behind. even working over the weekend didn't help. working every night this week hasn't made much of a dent, either. but here I am attempting to caffeinate and make a little headway.

amazing what the fear of losing your job will motivate you to do. I've gotten an average of 4 hours of sleep since Sunday. and it's looking like that will go down after tonight. but maybe I can get some sleep this weekend.

this lack of sleep mixed with fearful adrenaline and caffeine reminds me of cramming for finals. that and attempting to read not-so-exciting material in a coffee shop. I almost wish I were back in school and doing just that instead of working like a madwoman in hopes I don't lose my job by the end of the week.

well, better get back to it. think there's any way that time will stop and allow me to catch up?

random aside - in the five minutes it took to write this, two guys I know walked in. one was no surprise, he's a caffeine addict, as well. the other I haven't seen in years. it took me a minute to remember who he was. I grew up with him, we were on a summer club swim team together. for the life of me I can't remember his name. he gave me the same look I'm sure I gave him, the I-know-I-know-you-from-somewhere look. this world is eerily small sometimes.

football fan(atic)s

the day after Turkey day, the family headed to the game. we grew up football fans. bleeding black and gold. that's all there was.

then when I went to college, and didn't follow the rest of my family, I became a bit more of an outcast. I was teased by my brothers. my decisions were questioned by my parents. only my sister sort of understood my desire to go (far) away to school.

only when I came back to go to grad school. when I graduated and became an alum, did I get let back into the fan club in my family's eyes.

but not going there for undergrad, I don't live and die by our team quite as much as my brother and sister do. so after the pathetic loss Friday, after our team, our alma mater, was embarrassed on national tv, while the rest of my family lamented the loss, I just drove home. doing my best not to let the football rage seep in and become road rage.

sure, I was sad. it was a pathetic game. but regardless of what some guys think, life is not football. and since our neighbor to the east decided to give our team an early Christmas present, they get to play again next weekend. for the conference championship, no less.

and as I'm a bit more realist than football fan(atic) these days, I acknowledge that they don't deserve to play in the game, that they probably can't win. and I know my family, although they know the odds are not good, will still be devestated if (when) we lose Saturday.

although I really do hope they win, if the outcome is as I imagine it will be, I will again be the outcast. and as much as I love my family and think they're great, in this case I think perhaps it's better to be different.

you know me well

my friend Glitter is wise. and she seems to know me well, although we've never met. her comment on my last post scared me a little, for a few reasons. here's what she said:
The guy is right there under your nose. Watch out - you will see.

part of me thinks she may be right. but if she is right, which one is it? yes, there is more than one guy that might fit that description. and Saturday I had a few interesting conversations that may have led me to believe there might be something there with more than one of them.

these guys are my friends. not great friends in that I don't know them so well that they're no longer in the guys with potential (gwp) category. but good enough friends that taking that next step scares me a little.

I don't want to lose a friendship, but yet if there is some mutual interest, I wouldn't mind seeing what else is possible. but as much as I think that being friends first is the best way to meet someone, I've never had much luck with the friends-to-more transition.

and if there are possibilities, I don't know what, if anything, I should do about them. I would typically wait and see, and let them decide. but my typical behavior doesn't seem to get me where I want to be, so I'm considering being proactive. that's if I can get up the nerve. and that is an enormous if.

still thankful

I was hoping to grab coffee with a friend Wednesday before heading out of town. it didn't work out. he had to work. but I still think there's a small sliver of potential there. but given my track record lately, I'm not holding my breath.

so instead of enjoying a relaxing cup of coffee, I headed to my parents' earlier. where I had the great fortune of helping clean out random things, because the Murphy's Law of holiday gatherings was in effect. the milk that spilled everywhere in the fridge. and my lotion bottle that although the altitude change is insignificant, exploded all over the bathroom.

then, as with every holiday, it was my duty to prepare the stuffing. and help with the rest, since being the only one without a significant other, I am required to, while they talk or watch the football game or surf the internet in order to keep their SO entertained.

well, somehow my mom and I with a little begged help from my sister got everything done, and dinner was fantastic. too much, of course, but all of it great.

after the turkey feast, for a brief moment I wished I'd had a boy home with me, so I could lounge after dinner and not do the dishes, but I know I would do them anyway. that's just how I am. but I still wish I had a guy I wanted to bring home. someone who would want to spend a day with my family. someone who'd insist upon helping out.

maybe someday, but even if not, I know I still have many things to be thankful for. and I am.

thankful

my family used to go around the table at Thanksgiving telling everyone what we were thankful for. I got it started when I was in my sentimental-coming-home-from-college-for-the-holidays faze. friends at school told me they did this little tradition at home. so I harrassed my family to try it. but only my mom and I took it seriously, my brothers and sister made it into a joke. and we don't go around anymore.

so since I won't have the chance to tell the whole family at dinner tomorrow, I'm going to write down what I'm most thankful for. and since I won't be limited by the five seconds I'd have at my parents' house, my list will likely be long winded...

I am thankful for TheDog. she makes me smile when I don't want to. she insists I enjoy the little things. sniff the good smells. excercise my vocal cords when she's barking late at night. and she lets me know every day that I'm loved, unconditionally.

I am so very thankful for my amazing friends. they call just to say hi. stop by to see if I'm up for a walk. feed my dog when I'm stuck at work. send cards when I'm feeling sad. listen to me lament the small not-so-great things in my rather great life. play wing(wo)man when necessary. tell me he's not good enough for me when he's not interested. let me stay in their homes when I take my nomadic trips. let me be myself. and like me for who I am. encourage me and challenge me to be more. sympathize with me. and laugh with me. and go with me to see bands that I love play, even when they're not that into them.

I am so very thankful for my incredible family. besides the many things I've talked about before, they are always there for me. encouraging me. challenging me. and teasing me. lending me a couch until I can find the perfect replacement. collaborating on great gifts for others. requesting my advice on music. and making me laugh at myself.

I'm thankful for my coworkers, many of whom are also my friends. they swing by (miles out of their way) to give me a ride to a meeting when my tire is flat and my battery is dead. they give me rides home when I'm stranded at work. they bring breakfast burritos in, somehow knowing I was out of milk for my cereal this morning. they harrass me about my love life, in a nice way.

I'm also thankful for the nice baristas at the coffee shop that put up with my pre-caffeinated self. living in Colorado where outdoor activities are never far away. steaming hot cups of coffee. savory glasses of red wine. fantastic music. spectacular sunsets. being able to travel. and most of all for the friendship, humor and love in my life.

can't go home again

when I walked in I saw you. but you didn't look up from your drink. I sat down. you were only feet away.

as I talked with other friends, I could feel you looking at me. I looked your way. you looked away and missed my smile.

she was there. sitting next to you. you seemed to be ignoring her. but I knew she was with you. well, rumor had it that she was, anyway.

just once, we looked at the same time. in that instance I could tell you were mostly happy. but still unsure. a glint of longing. of remembering. of knowing. of home.

then it was gone. although I could feel your eyes continue to glance. as I played with our friends' kids. as I laughed. as I wished I could talk to you.

I know there's nothing there. I know there shouldn't be. but the feeling of home doesn't go away as easily as I'd like. it lingers.

finding out you were with her, before the last time I saw you. it made me sad. not for her. but because you're not the person I thought you were. it makes it a little easier to start to forget about that feeling of home.

then you give me a squeeze on your way out. tell me it's great to see me. and home seems closer, even though I know now that I can never go there again.

how was your weekend?

come tomorrow morning, that's the question that will get asked. the answer will usually be something along the lines of "good, too short" regardless of the real answer.

so, what makes a weekend great? terrible? sometimes the same things.

shots of camaraderie with a friend for her birthday. realizing some things have nothing to do with me. having solid proof earlier intuitions were right.

too much to do. nothing to do. bowling and football games. set-ups and mix-ups. friends and family. not enough drinks. too much to drink. late night texts. cryptic writing.

so, how was my weekend? well, good, bad, ugly and far too short.

and yours?

resolve

this is exactly why I don't do New Year's Resolutions. they never last.

since I made my little list of changes, what was it, oh, yes, three short days ago, I've stayed up far too late every night. it's been entirely too cold to walk TheDog in the mornings. (for her, of course, not me.) and work has crept into other plans once or twice, as well.

of course, not all of this is necessarily bad. just why resolutions are made to be broken.

for instance the staying up too late? well, that's because I've been working and playing too much.

the other night the girls came over for wine and good conversation. we had a few appetizers before sampling a few different wines. then proceeded to "redecorate" my dining room. and by redecorate, I mean spill glitter, tinsel, paint and glue all over the place.

you saw the pumpkins from the last girls' night. this time it was ornaments. last year, when the craftiness was suggested, my friends all raised their eyebrows. but after convincing them it was more about drinking wine and less about artistry, they were in. and last year's decorating party was hilarious.

this year's was not too different. a few more friends. a bit more glitter. and more laughter. the ornaments are not necessarily museum-worthy. but even my non-Christmas celebrating friend had a great time reverting to kindergarten glitter-and-glue creativity.

then last night I had to make a bit of a drive with my sister and her husband to celebrate my mom's birthday with the rest of the family. more quality time with the nieces. great dinner. funny stories shared.

and then the bonzai trip back here to try and meet up with friends at my friend S's show. I caught only the last two songs, but got to see my friends and talk briefly with S after the show.

a little work was laced in where I could. while waiting for the girls the other night. while my sister drove last night. there's much more waiting for this weekend. but the temperature is rising and there's a blonde dog that has insisted upon a walk if not a hike. work will have to wait.

a few changes around here

I am working on making a few changes. some are a long time coming. some, not so much.

I am going to go to sleep earlier. so I can get up and walk TheDog before work instead of after, since it gets dark so early. (and she thinks I've been abusing her with the short walks.)

I am going to stop jumping to conclusions. I have been incorrect in my jumping. well, once or twice. and I don't like being wrong, ever. (although, yes, I can admit when I am.)

I am going to send holiday cards this year. really. not just talk about it. or buy the cards. I'm going to actually write in them and send them.

I am going to finish my gift shopping early this year. at least by noon on Christmas Eve, since my family's going to a football game that afternoon.

I am going to have everything together before my holiday party. I want to enjoy my guests this year instead of running around finishing up the preparations as they arrive.

and I'm going to prioritize. work can wait. coffee with friends, birthday celebrations, and important conversations can't.

now, I'm off to sleep. there's a blonde dog with a leash that is going to wake me up at the crack of dawn.

a birthday smile

as I was walking out of the deposition today. I looked up and saw the sign. no, not a figuritive sign, a literal one.

it was the restaurant I took him to start off his birthday surprise the first year we were dating. it was one of his favorites.

today is the day. his birthday. I realized that this morning when I put the date on my notes. I almost wanted to call and wish him a happy one. I know I can't.

when I saw the sign, a smile crept across my face. I couldn't help it. it was one of those memories that just make you happy. we had such a great time that night.

he told me it was the best birthday he ever had. apparently his family was never big on them. mine always has been, and always will be. so I made his a big deal.

and as I walked under the sign, the smile grew wider. I knew that my desire to call him earlier today stemmed simply from wanting to wish a happy birthday to someone who used to mean the world to me.

and I do hope he had a happy birthday. although I think I got the gifts today. the gift of knowing that despite the way things ended, I have not an ounce of ill will left in me towards him. the gift of knowing that although we may have been meant to be together for a while, we were never meant to last forever.

another smile lifts the corners of my mouth just thinking about it.

can't compare

the little one is adorable. maybe as adorable as her big sister. but I don't think I'm supposed to compare. and while she was making her entrance into the world, I got to play with her big sister.

big sister is 2. she knows my name. she insistently calls me by it when I've stopped playing for a minute. I'm not around her enough for her insistence to be anything but adorable. she's smart and cute, and, well, you could say she takes after her aunt.

the little one is so tiny. I can't believe two short years ago her big sister was that little.

time flies by. life flashes past in endearing smiles and giggles.

the crying fits, the tantrums, they get forgotten. the loving hugs, the little hand taking yours, those are the things that stick.

I know I'm happy where I am right now where my life has taken me. I know I've gone amazing places and done great things in my life. but somehow pictures of an amazing sunset seem to pale in comparison to a baby girl.

I know life is not measured only by the big milestones. but somehow being around my little nieces and other family this weekend, my accomplishments seem to pale a bit in comparison.

losing interest

seriously? when did this happen? when did I lose every ounce of my ability to read people?

it looks like I assumed incorrectly. (well, we know what they say about assuming.)

anyway, we're still trying to find time to grab that drink. but it looks like my friend S is interested in just a friendly one.

I don't know if it's the timing. he seemed possibly interested in more when I saw him last week. but when we couldn't grab a drink over the weekend, he seems to have lost it. interest, that is.

I know I'm not the greatest judge of intentions, but is it really this bad? or is my timing this completely off?

when I began to think he might be interested, I began to realize I might be. even if he was, life's craziness apparently stepped in and changed something.

well, although this little turn of events brings with it the end of the suspension of the bet, at least I'll have a new niece tomorrow, or the next day, or...

I raise my glass to you, my friend

yes, you.

yesterday (or was it the day before?) Jen was talking about blog friends. she questioned if they are real friends. I think you are. and apparently Kurt agrees.

for example, in the past week or so, my blogging "friends" have gone with me to see a great band, invited me over for Thanksgiving celebrations, sent me flowers, helped me to face some demons, complimented me, encouraged me, challenged me, let me know they were there for me, asked me the tough questions, made me laugh hysterically, and also made me cry, in a good way.

what more could I ask for?

I think there is room in everyone's life for different kinds of friends, like different kinds of drinks. I have many amazing close real life friends (you know that, I talk about them all the time). these are the ones that get better with age, the special reserve wines and ports and 50-year old brandies.

I have new real life friends and blogging friends that have become real friends. these are the friends that are new to the palette. the new vodka flavor. you never know if it will become the kind that lives in your freezer, or only the one you drink when you go out to that bar. but regardless you welcome the new flavor into your life.

and there are many of you reading this that I consider friends, whether I will ever meet you face to face or not. you might be likened to that special martini concoction at the local hot spot. or the special brewery ale tapped this month. it may be fleeting, or may turn into a favorite, you never know.

friends are the people you share your life with. in small shots or by the keg.

you guys are the best, thank you for your friendship!
who wants to go grab a drink?


PS - this whole post sounds a bit alcoholic... but it's just an analogy. and no, I haven't turned to the bottle as my only friend despite my perceived melancholy lately...

forgiveness

yes, I know. life's not fair. I've heard it, I've said it. but what about karma? what about people getting what they deserve? I always thought there was some truth to that.

last night, though, when I awoke from a nightmare, I started thinking that maybe karma doesn't work, at least on any scale I can see, that good people get bad breaks and bad people get good ones.

I don't know what caused such a vivid dream. I don't typically remember them. maybe it was all the memories revisited yesterday*, maybe it was watching Medium before falling asleep, or maybe the spicy dinner.

regardless, in my dream I was back in my college town. we were at the bar. the one with the couches. my friends were all there. even the ones I didn't know in college. dreams don't care about time lines.

he was there. he was married. he had kids. he and two of his friends laughed at me. they laughed because I was still single, because I was alone.

I tried to be strong. to pretend it didn't hurt. to get out of there. but I couldn't. my friends wouldn't let me leave alone and upset. they were there for me, as they always were. as they always are. but, I wondered, where were they that night? my incredible friends. the ones that would do anything for me.

I was naive, then. I believed in the good of mankind. I never even imagined I could get hurt. I was young, I was invincible. I was wrong.

I lost my faith that night. my faith in guys. in trust. in my ability to assess people's character.

I've gotten most of it back. it wasn't an easy path. I've since realized that night wreaked havoc on my relationships for years to come. on how I never completely trusted people.

but that's changed. I once again believe most people are good. I have learned to trust again, well mostly. I know no matter what you do, no matter how good you are, no matter how much you fight, bad things can happen.

I didn't deserve it. it wasn't my fault. I'm sure some people would say I shouldn't have put myself in the situation that I did. that may be true. but that is no excuse.

I now realize my friends would have been there to help me. not that night, they couldn't have. but afterward. to help me deal with it. if I could have just had the courage to talk to them about it. I wish I had. I wish my ability to trust hadn't been so shattered. I wish I could have believed in someone.

it's funny how denial eventually leads to the truth... one way or another. and how truth helps forgiveness. of others. of oneself. I forgave him a long time ago. I can't hold a grudge, well except against myself.

I'm still working on forgiving myself. it will come. and, by the way, if you're keeping track, that's hope, not denial.

* thanks, Kurt, and you know I mean that very sincerely!

denial

a friend's writing brought back some memories today. and as incredibly well written as it was and as much as I'd like you all to read it, I'm not sure I'm ready to share what I'm in denial about just yet, so I can't share it, either.

of course there are several things I'm in denial about. that I'm getting older. that my accident may have permanently changed my ability to do some things. and that certain memories from my past actually happened to me.

these things sneak into my subconscious from time to time. every once in a while I realize that a 33-year-old woman maybe should not be hanging out with 25-ish year olds, drinking and being a band groupie. but then again, I feel 25, so why not? (see, denial.)

and on occasion the pain from the accident is so severe that I end up on the floor of my office, or in the bathroom at a football game, hiding from friends or family, desperately trying to stretch out the offending muscles or get the joint back into alignment. but after the pain passes I go back to working too much or jumping up and down cheering. and, of course, got my season ski pass. (again, denial.)

as for the memories that I would rather not have. there are a few. but one in particular. from a decade or so ago. as much as I like to forget that it happened, it shaped who I am today and how I interact with people in a profound way.

friends think I'm open, honest. and I usually am. but sometimes when they use these terms to describe me, I cringe. I wonder what they would think if they knew the truth. I can't tell them. if I tell someone, if I talk about it, then it really happened. then the game of denial is over.

as I read the words my friend wrote, memories came flooding back. but I'm not sure I'm ready to face them again. and that's what I'd have to do if I told someone. as much as I know it wasn't my fault. part of me can't completely forgive myself. I know my friends would say it wasn't my fault, but it's what they might possibly think that keeps me silent.

maybe someday I'll be brave enough to talk to a trusted friend about it. although I think that last bit might just be more denial. but I am working on it.

true friendship

there were fifty some thousand people around. I heard my name. I looked up. there was my friend Jen.

I haven't seen her since college. she was one of the coolest girls I knew. she was in engineering with me, but a year ahead. she was a mentor of sorts to me and my other friend Jen. by that I mean she took us under her wing and went to grab margaritas with us when we were supposed to be in our every-Thursday-afternoon engineering class.

she was like the big sister I never had. she gave me a guitar for graduation. she insisted to the other Jen and I that we could still be cool and fun while being enginerds, even after she switched out of engineering.

we used to take road trips every summer together. usually up to the northwest to visit the other Jen. we were supposed to be roommates my senior year, but she ended up transferring to another school to finish up engineering. after college we kept in touch a little, but as too often happens, lost touch eventually.

I've thought about her often since college. she probably has no idea, but she is definitely one of the reasons I never considered taking the easier route and switching out of engineering entirely when the going got tough. she also made me see that if I wanted to also get a business degree, I should. she was excited when I told her I was going to grad school for engineering, unlike my family. she's the "older sister" that helped me to believe in myself and all the possibilities.

a while back, I saw an article on her in our alumni magazine and e-mailed her. she had told me she was dating a guy from Colorado, and that she was here from time to time. but I had no idea she'd be at the game yesterday. and she had no idea I'd be there either.

we caught up on each others' lives, as best you can at halftime. she's getting married in a couple of weeks. in Colorado. even though neither she nor her fiancée lives here now. they eventually plan to move here.

talking with Jen was like my own little time machine. it was like we were standing on our own campus, not a thousand miles from where we went to school, over a decade later. sure the maroon and white at the football game had been replaced by black and gold. but it seemed very little else had changed.

true friendship. when neither time nor distance matters.

what's a few drinks among friends?

this morning before work I was procrastinating. really didn't feel much like going to work. would rather have continued icing my back and taking vicadin at home. so, as I sometimes do when I don't feel well, I took a little extra time getting ready. then, even though I don't feel well, no one can tell just by looking.

as I walked into the coffee shop this morning, one of my favorite golden retrievers was there with her person. she's a great dog and her person is a really nice older gentleman. every time I see them in the morning, despite how tired I may feel, a smile sneaks onto on my face.

I planned to get her a bone out of the doggie treat canister as soon as I picked up my coffee. as I was waiting, my friend S walked up to me. we talked for a while. about work and being tired. (glad he couldn't see just how tired I really felt.) and grabbing a drink soon. we talked for a little while longer, then I had to get to work, so I grabbed my doggie friend her treat and left.

as I walked out of the coffee shop, I began wondering if my friend J was right. when we went to see S's band a while back she got the impression he was interested in me as more than just a friend. based on our banter before and after the show. I wasn't convinced. as I've mentioned before, I can be a bit clueless when it comes to guys (particularly guy friends) and whether they're interested in me or not.

so we're planning to go for a drink next week. well, unless my soon-to-be-new-little-niece makes a surprise early appearance. the question is, is it just a couple of friends grabbing a drink, or is there more to it?

if wishful thinking were enough

I had dinner last night with a good friend. we talked about life, things, whatnot. we compared notes on our separate trips to Hawaii, on house remodels, and trips we'd love to take.

she's also an attorney. so, we talked about what I have to do to get everything resolved from my car accident. despite the fact that the medical bills are piling up, I have to wait until I am better before I can settle with the guy's car insurance and pay the medical bills.

I'm not better. I'm still having to go to the doc. to the physical therapist. to get cortisone injections. I had another one today. it wasn't as embarrassing as the last time. it wasn't the parade of people past my bare bum. it didn't take as long.

but it hurt again. maybe more so than the last one. I can't even decribe how much I hope this one does the trick. that the joints they hit today are the right ones. that the pain will go away permanently. I'll know in a few days.

if it doesn't work, the doc doesn't know what else to try. and my attorney friend said there are many car accidents where this type of pain never goes away completely. I don't want that to be the case with me.

if wishful thinking were all it took, I'd be better than ever already. but the positive attitude only goes so far. at some point we all need help. and when no one knows how to help, that's when it gets really frustrating.

but for now, I'm doing the wishful thinking thing. the shot today, it has to work. I just need to believe that it will. and worry about the rest only if it doesn't.

I will

will I wait a lonely lifetime? if you want me to, I will.

I love that song*. a guy put it on a cd he made me once. I knew then he didn't love me. and wouldn't when we were apart. but the idea of someone waiting for me forever. loving me forever. that stuck.

when Paul played it last night, just he and his guitar, a tear snuck out of my eye. luckily the eye away from my mom and sister who had gone with me to the concert. I secretly wondered if I will ever find that guy. the one that will love me forever.

they both have. and deep down, I know I will. but every once in a while I question the timing of it. I don't know if I'm up to waiting a lifetime.

but the hopeless romantic always wins out over the cynic. and those songs that some would call sappy, always leave me knowing I'll find it one day. and I am willing to wait for it.

besides, what better role models than my family? my grandmother was engaged when she met the love of her life, my grandfather. my mom met my dad through his roommate, the guy she was dating at the time. my sister met her husband through an aquaintance neither talks to anymore.

dancing next to my mom and sister last night, I was hit with a little epiphany. I just have to have faith that it will happen. and stop worrying about the how and when. perhaps take some steps toward meeting new people, and get J off my back about the bet.

my mom, sister and Paul helped convince me last night to go for it. stop worrying about what others think and be open to possibilities. I will. at least I'll try.

* I Will, by the Beatles