Happy Halloween

answering the door to hand out goodies to princesses and devils and crayons. skeletons and spiderman and the incredibles. they all reminded me of trick-or-treating when I was a kid.

my dad and our neighbor used to take us around the neighborhood. we got all dressed up in our costumes. then usually had to put on our ski jackets over them. it often snowed on Halloween, and was almost always cold.

it was long before masks were necessary. when we could be ourselves. but only with the people we knew. even in a small-ish town where we left our front door unlocked at night. my parents never let us go anywhere that they didn't know the neighbor.

tonight I had more trick-or-treaters than I have any of the seven Halloweens that I've lived here. and only one or two of the parents did I recognize.

perhaps parents don't worry about the things my parents worried about when we were kids. perhaps there are scarier things out there than questionable candy.

I'm glad to see that kids can be more carefree. that they can go door-to-door showing off their adorable costumes. I love seeing their creative costumes. the ones that parents didn't buy in the store. I love hearing them ask for candy, wishing me a Happy Halloween as they run down the steps on to the next house.

I think my favorite costume I saw tonight was the family with four kids, dresses as the Incredibles. perhaps it was the four kids and how much they reminded me of trick-or-treating with my brothers and sister. and the reminder of how much I used to (and still do) love Halloween.

I wonder what costumes everyone else enjoyed most tonight?

masks

I wanted to be incognito. I thought about wearing a mask. but I can't stand wearing things on my face.

it doesn't take a mask to feel anonymous on Halloween. that's the beauty in it. you get to dress as you normally couldn't or wouldn't and call it a costume.

I had too many places to be last night. parties, a friend's band was playing, and checking out the costumes at the bars downtown. I chose to go to a few of the parties, thrown by good friends.

the first was over-run by little monsters. the costumes were pretty good. a few of us no-children adults stood around catching up. one of the guys didn't recognize me from the hockey game where his brother got me in trouble with my then boyfriend by, gasp, talking to me.

then it was off to the next party. the costumes were a bit more creative than the first. my geek glasses apparently worked as a disguise again. of course, his costume did, too. unbeknownst to both of us we were talking for a little while before each of us realized who the other was.

we kissed at my friends' wedding. neither of us was very sober. and it was a little uncomfortable last night, apparently more for him than me. when he realized who I was, he disappeared.

the costumes at the last party were the best. my friends have had a Halloween party every year for a while now. and each year everyone tries to outdo their costume from the year before.

everyone liked my costume. clever, they said. and apparently it suited me. my sister even agreed that my inner goddess was hot. I had to laugh, the girls at this party are the beautiful ones. I'm the nice, dependable one. they all thought a boy couldn't resist my costume.

perhaps if he'd seen it that would have held true. he didn't. he called when I was still party hopping. I called him back after he'd already passed out. no boys, my geek goddess only impressed my friends.

perhaps I can let the goddess out another time. without the excuse of a costume. take off the mask. even if only for a night.

when a friend's not

is there someway to know? some test? should I just go with my gut feeling?

I have a friend. I thought she was a very good friend. but I'm starting to wonder about that.

I know friendships go through phases, like any relationship. I know there are good times and bad. but this one is making me wonder.

a roommate of mine in college jokingly nicknamed me the doormat. I used to let one particular friend that I'd known since junior high treat me not-so-nicely.

I finally learned to stand up for myself. to not let her take advantage of me. I'm wondering if I've reverted.

am I just being overly sensitive? is it just a different level of friendship?

I'm a loyal, trusting friend. I would do nearly anything for her. I realized tonight, that's not reciprocated. I don't even make the short list of people she invites over for Friday evening beers.

she continuously mentions hanging out when my presence could benefit her. but when I don't, the invitation is often absent.

does that mean she's not a true friend? or that I expect too much of my friends? or does it mean I'm just more considerate than most? perhaps she's just trying not to mix too many ingredients into her soup.

reasons for things

that whole things happening for a reason thing. maybe there's something to it. just maybe.

last week's trip was a disaster. so I was supposed to go again Monday. that didn't work out. I went today instead. it was a beautiful day. the sun was out compared to last week's rain. and as it sank over the lake, I had a strange feeling I was supposed to be there.

and yesterday the feeling was comfort. and relief. maybe there are reasons. destiny. fate. whatever you want to call it. maybe we never understand some of them. that doesn't mean they don't exist.

certain friendship

I didn't know he'd be there. I didn't have time to "prepare."

I knew it would happen eventually. I was worried it would be uncomfortable. things would be strange. but it wasn't. they weren't.

despite my concern that I would be nervous the next time I saw him. or seeing me would make him feel uneasy. I wasn't. he didn't.

we joked with each other. asked how life was. filled each other in on things since last we saw each other.

he really is a great guy. (even if his taste might have been slightly questionable.) I'm happy there is no awkwardness. I'm happy there may be friendship in our future.

I'm even happier that seeing him made it clear to me, friendship is all I want. and I'm certain of it.

incomplete

last night I walked into a bar. and met someone for the first time. we grabbed a quick drink then went to see the Decemberists. great show. the band was hysterical. a fun night joining my new blogging-to-real-life friend kt.

the night before I went to a cold college football game. leaves falling slowly, reminders of fall. and the night before that, the Warren Miller movie. the precursor to my ski season. every year. this year an added bonus, a benefit for hurricane victims.

last week the girls showed up on my doorstep with pumpkins, appetizers and dessert. we drank wine and carved. the result was pretty impressive (if I may so boldly brag about my friends' mad carving skills).

before that I went to see a little musical about an orphan with my mom. another reminder how lucky I am to have the family that I do.

the weekend before I caught up with an out of town friend before a Broncos game. spent quality family time celebrating my niece's birthday. and had a fun night out with the girls that ended in being "picked up" by a couple.

despite all the fun, excitement and general "life is grand" moments I've experienced lately, one small piece of news yesterday left me feeling like the world is a bit upside down. even tonight when I kissed a boy goodnight before I headed home, something bothered me deep down.

it's down to me. I'm the only one left. nearly every friend I have, even those younger, are either shacked-up, engaged or married. and my brother. the player. well, he got engaged yesterday. I'm extremely happy for them. she's incredible and they're great together.

but as he told me the news yesterday a little hole inside grew a tiny bit larger. I know some of you that read this will think I'm sad. I'm not sure that's what I am. I know some of my friends will strongly suggest I do something about it. I'm not sure I really want to right now.

I love my life. the way it is. my friends and family. my more-than-friends. my dog. even most days, my job.

but I have to admit some days, like yesterday, I do feel like a little something is missing. a little gnawing hole that isn't filled in. something needing to become complete.

is life really incomplete if you don't have someone special to share it with for the long run? I don't know the answer. I sometimes state (with a bit too much bravado) that I do know the answer. that of course I don't need someone to make me complete.

perhaps that's it. I don't need someone, but I think I may want someone. I don't think I want to take this entire journey alone. parts of it, sure. but parts of life are made for two. like halloween costumes. all of the costume store workers assumed I had another half. that I needed a couple's costume.

no it's just me. but the costume will be good. and hopefully funny.

slacking

I know, I know, I've been slacking. I haven't had time for any of the tags I've gotten reecently. and I don't know when I will, since I still haven't told last weekend's adventures or the funny stories that came up while decorating pumpkins last night. and another weekend is already here. besides, there's the potential for characters to be added to the cast.

so, I want to thank TWAM, Yoda, Aarwenn, and anyone else that taggeed me recently. I appreciate the thought and may come back and do them when I need ideas for posts, but for now I have too many. so I guess I'm counting this as my tag catch-up post?

anyway, could use any and all help to figure out a GREAT Halloween Costume. preferrably something more feminine than not.
any suggestions??

last day in paradise

I woke up Tuesday. packed my things. said goodbye to the comfy condo.

on my way back from checking out, I admired the koi swimming amidst the lily pad in the little volcanic rock rimmed pond.

I realized I didn't even explore the grounds of the condo complex fully, much less the island.

but as there was much of the island left, and only a few short hours, I headed off to admire as much of it as I could. I drove away from Poipu. towards the mountains.

of course I had to stop by and see Wailua Falls (the famous Fantasy Island water fall). I fought the urge to yell "de plane, de plane" from the rim of the falls.

as I drove around, I pondered the many things I wanted to do and see that I didn't get around to. sea kayaking the Na Pali Coast (the waves were too big this trip). scuba diving. more hiking.

would I be back? would I get to do and see those things?

I hope so, but moved on to see another water fall. looking out over Opaekaa Falls, I noticed that everyone else was admiring the falls in groups. of course, groups of two. perhaps I stood out. the solo sight-seer.

I didn't really mind. I was enjoying my relaxing vacation. sure there had been slips to loneliness. and perhaps next trip I'll bring someone amazing with me. but I am getting used to travelling alone. I can do whatever I want. that's kind of nice.

I continued on from the falls and drove around the ranches and farms, on the backroads. revelling in the slow pace of the island. I tiik the little rental car onto an unpaved road, and ended up near Kauai Ranch. beautiful open spaces.

the road back down the hillside. to the mai highway around the island.

I found myself near Kilauea. near the lighthouse we hadn't had time to stop at the day before. that day I had time. so I took the turnoff.

I stopped at the overlook. listened to the waves crashing on the rocks below, then continued on into the wildlife refuge. there were many birds, Ne Nes and others. they called the cliffs home.

the lighthouse was a stark white in comparison to the blue and aqua ocean behind it, to the clue sky. I stood there as long as I could, then, sadly, it was time to turn in my rental car, and head to the airport.

but even leaving I had something to look forward to. on my way back to cold Colorado, I stopped off in Honolulu to have dinner with some of my good friends. I hadn't seen them in a long while. only a couple times since their island wedding a few years ago.

it was wonderful to catch up. my friend picked me up from the airport, we had dinner at their house, then she drove me back. my too-short visit made me realize I'm extremely blessed to have such amazing friends. (particularly the ones that get married in cool locations. only kidding, well mostly.)

and although it snowed while I was gone. all that was left to tell that tale was a few branches fallen off my trees. life goes on whether I'm there to witness it or not. so I intend to enjoy it, whether I'm on a tropical island or in the snow. alone or surrounded by friends.

panoramas and fish

after my lonely night on the beach, I met up with the groom's friend and his wife for a hike.

we headed to the North Shore, to the Na Pali Coast.

when we got to the trailhead, we decided to fuel up for the trek. we enjoyed a little lunch on the beach. then headed to the trail.

it was rather wet and slippery. but, as we continued along the mud and wet rocks, the panoramas we caught glimpses of through the trees were breathtaking.

well worth the messy climb.

at last the trees were less dense. fewer hanging on to the stee cliff side. we could take in the entire view.

the uninhabited Na Pali Coast stretching off into the distance. magnificent cliffs sharply meeting the ocean. lush vegetation. the variation in the colors of the ocean and land, incredible.

pausing many times along the way. views to take in, pictures to take. amazing shots. too many to post. (perhaps too many already.)

I had warned them about my photobug tendancies. about the 200 shots I'd taken on my first hike. luckily my new friends liked to snap away and admire the view almost as much as I do.

in my packing frenzy before I left, I had not grabbed my Camelbak. luckily the groom's friend had one and offered to share with a "would you like to suck on my hose."

who could pass up such an offer. and his wife was more than willing to share with me. we thought it was very amusing.

the guy passing us did as well. although he didn't know we were speaking of hydration.

I suppose eavesdropping without fully understanding can be even more entertaining.

the trail continued to get more and more slippery. and it began to pour. we decided it was time to turn around, besides we wanted to get a little snorkeling in.

the snorkeling was great. large volcanic rocks covered in algea and coral off Ke'e Beach provide a great place to look at the fish. hopefully the underwater pictures will turn out.

after we left the snorkeling behind, we stopped for a drink and dinner. a friend at the coffee shop near my office had reccommended the Dolphin in Hanalei. very glad I mentioned where I was going before I left. the ahi was incredible.

an incredible dinner with amazing new friends, quite the way to spend my last evening on Kauai.

tropical I dos

it was their big day. my new friends and I enjoyed a fabulous breakfast complete with banana macadamia nut pancakes and coconut syrup before we headed to the gardens.

I wandered around the gardens before our ride to the wedding spot. I admired the flowers and unfamiliar tropical plants. I hurried so as not to miss the ride.

I should have known that it would be on island time. no hurry.

the ride to the location was longer than the guests expected. but the surroundings were beutiful. the botanic gardens covered a large area. trees and flowers. a stream and steep cliffs.

the ceremony itself was incredible. I've been to many weddings. they're always special. but this one was even more so than others.

it was very fitting for the bride and groom. very fitting for the incredible surroundings.

they spoke their own vows. they were perfect.

towards the end of the ceremony, as the blessing was being said. a short rain shower passed through. the wedding was under an enormous tree. the drops didn't bother anyone.

just a refreshing little shower. a blessing from nature. and at the end of the shower. a double rainbow. perfect.

on the way back from the wedding, we paused long enough to glimpse the sunset.

it was quiet. a tram full of people, everyone just enjoying the sunset and reflecting on the incredible ceremony.

most of the wedding guests met the bride and groom on Shipwreck Beach for a bonfire that night. it started as fun and entertaining. but it seemed to me that as the evening wore on, the waves and stars seemed to bring out the romance in everyone else.

timing is everything, even in paradise

the day before the wedding, we met the bride and groom at a Hawaiian Festival. there were hula dancers and Hawaiian story tellers. performing for the "Queen." it was nice to see the real thing, not the manufactured culture that most luaus have as entertainment.

the festival was at the edge of the canyon. since my roomie and our other friend hadn't seen the canyon yet, we continued on to the lookouts after the bride and groom left. we briefly stopped to appreciate the views on the way up.

on my first tour of the canyon, the top was in the clouds. at the far lookout you could see almost nothing.

the day of the festival was clear. when we got to the top, it still was. we decided to walk the small way to the lookout.

you could see the mountain top not far off in the distance. it was shrouded in white before. but that day, one of the wettest spots on earth could be seen beneath the clouds.

it got me to thinking about timing. it really is everything. when I was at the same spot just two days earlier, I could see nothing. the second time around I could see clearly.

and the view was worth the hike. even twice. it was an incredible panorama of the Na Pali coast. the ocean in the distance. the color variations in the water. the clouds casting shadows on land and sea.

breathtaking.

earlier my friends had asked if I was sure I didn't mind "wasting" part of my day, going where I'd already been. I assured them I didn't even before I knew what awaited at the end of the trail. even the places I'd seen before looked different on this day. light and perspective change things.

we had to hurry down the canyon. there was a pre-wedding party at Salt Pond Park. it was a beautiful beach park, illuminated by a beautiful sunset upon our arrival.

more introductions. more people becoming fast friends. amazing how easy the conversation flowed.

as the party came to an end, many of us decided we needed to continue it. we chose a beach closer to where we all were staying.

telling stories. listening to the waves crash. watching for shooting stars. I saw one. of course made my wish.

timing. it really is everything. with clouds, shooting stars, and all other things in life. I need to remember that.

I just had to

I had to do it. it was getting to be ridiculous. I know it's not your fault. or mine. at first it was only on things I'd said recently. now, harping on old stories. I just can't take it anymore. I'm so sorry. our carefree days of no word verification have to come to an end.

bathing like a queen

following my solo hiking day, the whole gang met up for a beach day on the South side at Poipu Beach.

we lounged around on beach towels spread out on the warm sand. introductions and catching up. old friends and new. some reading, some snorkeling. everyone relaxing.

it was ridiculously windy. the sunblock became stick-em for the sand. but I suppose the layer of sand was just an extra layer of sun protection.

the blowing sand started irritating eyes, getting in drinks. the "council of women" decided we should head to the North side. to bathe like queens.

the trip up to our final destination was entertaining. I was in a car with my new married couple friends, my new roomie and another guy friend of the bride's from Colorado.

although we assumed Hawaii has a "no open container law", we were sipping on our POG and rum concoctions a bit on the trip.

some more than others. I was not the some, so I got to laugh at them. particularly when we got to the trail. it was very wet slippery red mud.

everyone was sliding. I seemed to be doing ok. perhaps my spill from the day before had taught me how to walk on the wet stuff.

past the beautiful small waterfalls on the trail and past the spectacular first view of the ocean waves smashing into the volcanic shoreline, there it was.

Queen's Bath. a tidal pool. with occasional waves overtopping the lava rocks forming it, sending small waves into the pool.


the snorkeling was amazing, as the water was extremely clear and shallow, particularly in places. we even talked our slightly scared-of-the-fishes friend into snorkeling.

my making fun of the drunk ones came back to haunt me when climbing back into the pool after a short break. I slipped on the slightly slimy rocks and landed in the exact same spot from the day before.

karma. I made a mental note to be more kind to those that slip in the mud in the future.

the day at the beach and the bath was incredibly fun. we topped it off with a group dinner at another fantastic restaurant, serving, of course, fresh fish. then, exhausted from our frolicking, we all retired to rest up for the next day's adventures.

hiking falls

after the first half day, I got a good night's rest and woke up ready to explore some of the island. I was flying solo for the day, since my new roommie had to work on a paper for one of her classes.

I headed to Waimea Canyon. Mark Twain's "Grand Canyon of the Pacific."

it was incredible. even with the misty haze created by the constant rainshowers moving through.

the different layers created by different volcanic eruptions. the beautiful colors. the black patches of the volcanic rock cliffs. the stunning red of the top soil. the lush green of the trees and other plants.

the beautiful Waipo'o Waterfall. it draws me in. captivates me. falling in multiple falls. the water drops 800 feet before it hits the canyon floor.

cutting its way through the hard volcanic rock. through the soft red top soil. slowly creating more of a canyon. patient in its work.

water is amazing. it slowly carved this incredible wonder of nature.

I continued past the trailhead of the hike I planned to take. I had decided to drive up to the other outlooks, then come back and start my hike.

I happened upon a newly formed rainbow at the last quickly accessible lookout.

the view, a spectacular one of the Na Pali Coast. the rainbow seemed to be stretching all the way from the edge of the beautiful mountain to the ocean. more breathtaking beauty.

I wanted more. I decided to walk to the furthest lookout. the road was closed, but there were many people making the trip.

the view from this lookout was not spectacular. the clouds had enveloped the mountain top. and the visibility was very poor.

I quickly returned to the car. started the drive down from one of the wettest spots on earth. anxious to start my hike.

the trail wound through trees unfamiliar to me. flowering trees. lowering vines amidst the branches. it was all so lush. and the rain continued.

there weren't many people on the trail. a little eerie hiking alone. I've never done that before. I've always had TheDog with me at least.

the trail continued over an irrrigation ditch tunneled into the mountain. there are many tunnels throughout the mountains carrying irrigation water from the wet mountain tops to the drier fields of the island.

yes, I found this intriguing. I am a nerd. I've told you that.

the trail came out of the trees and continued along the rim of the canyon. red paths leading hikers along the way. very few improvements exist on these trails. they're natural for the most part. some might say a little dangerous.

eventually I could hear the falls. I hiked down the steep slippery cliff to the first small falls. to the beautiful fresh water pool at the base.

the lush vegetation hiding the oasis. enormous lava rocks fallen about from the cliffs above.

I've seen waterfalls before. even falls in Hawaii. but this little fall captivated me. it was peaceful. there was no one else there. just me.

but there was a subtle nagging feeling. again, I wanted to see more. and I could hear more.

I hiked down another small drop-off. the red dirt was a little slippery. I slipped. I grabbed onto a rock, attempted to wipe the red dirt off, and stood up.

I took a step forward. I found myself standing at the edge of the first part of the large falls. a several hundred foot drop to the next tier. the slip could have been bad. really bad.

but I suppose if you're going to go, falling off a waterfall in paradise wouldn't be a bad way.

I remembered back to the view from the rim on the other side of the canyon. I was standing at the top of the falls you could plainly see from there. I started snapping some photos.

the light was getting incredible. a photographer's dream. brilliant greens and reds popping out of the surrounding volcanic rock.

wait. great light means sunset. and I'm a few miles from the car. on a trail I don't really know. with no light. and there is no one around.

I very carefully hightailed it back up the trail. making certain to not slip again. running a little on the flat portions to make up time. yet still making an effort to enjoy the spectacular view all around.

I made it to the rim of the canyon (and the car) just as the sun set over the ocean.

landing in paradise

I felt it the minute I got off the plane. it weighed on my skin, on my lungs. I'm not used to the humidity. but I was in paradise, and a little heavy hot air I could deal with.

I picked up the rental car and headed down to Kalapaki beach. ordered a little lunch beachside. and answered a friend's inquiry as to whether I was realaxing yet with a "life is good" response.

while sipping my fruity, frozen concoction, my roomate for the trip called to say she'd be landing in an hour or so. I sat for a while, watching honeymooning couples laughing and whispering. wishing a little bit that I had a boy to enjoy paradise with.

I finished my fruity beverage, then took a stroll on the beach, admiring the tropical flowers and mountains rising from the ocean.

it took a little while to realize I had a week off from work. I'd worked too much before I left, and it often takes too much time for my brain to relax. the rum blended into my drink and the wet sand squishing between my toes helped.

soon I was back at the airport picking up my new roommate. I'd never met her before, only talked with her on the phone. but we were fast friends.

we watched the sun set over the ocean at Poipu Beach and enjoyed some fresh fish for dinner. then headed over to meet up with the bride and groom and a couple of their other friends.

introductions were made all around, and again I felt like I'd known the groom's childhood friend and his wife for much longer than the hour we were there.

the fast friendships probably had something to do with how amazing the soon-to-be-married couple is. of course their friends would be great, too.

the party did not last long, since we were all a bit jet-lagged, but I had a feeling the week ahead was going to be lots of fun, whether I had that someone special to share it with or not.

reflections in the sand

the stars twinkled. the waves crashed down on the shore. the moon danced with the clouds. the shadows cast by the bonfire picked up the smiles accompanying the laughter.

and there I was, sitting in the middle of a big group of old and new friends. feeling utterly alone.

the newlyweds and family and friends all talked about important and silly things. two to a beach towel. beer and leftovers from the reception being freely passed around.

I talked some with everyone. but amidst all of the couples, all I could think was I wished I had someone I wanted to stare into the moonlit waves with. someone to share this little slice of paradise with.

I am having a fantastic time on vacation. the wedding was incredible. the ceremony was touching. the other wedding guests were some of the most interesting and genuinely nice people I have ever met. yet the solitude nagged at me tonight on the beach.

tomorrow we're hiking the nearly uninhabited coast. tomorrow it will be better. tomorrow I will go back to playing and ignore the reflection.

traveling fool

I'm just so tired.

I'd only been back from Texas a few short days, when I turned around and drove to Phoenix with my grandma. she was heading south again for the winter.

we had a great time exchanging stories. I'm so happy to have gotten to drive her again. sad my mom's broken knee cap is the reason she couldn't again take over my driving, but very happy I got to spend the time with my grandma.

I leave again first thing Wednesday. if I don't get some sleep tonight (and it's not looking good), I will have only slept in my own bed 4 nights in three weeks. (and no, it's not what you think, get your minds out of the gutter.)

at least I saved the best for last... I'm heading to Hawaii in a few short hours. I can't wait to relax on a beach and hike a volcano. and hopefully forget about work for a while.

courage or lunacy?

Friday I couldn't practice avoidance as I had the night before. he was standing right next to the place I had to check in. I gave him a little nod and a hi. he said hi back. I walked up and talked with him.

it was strange, just knowing J was 40 feet away, checking in, made me feel much less worried about how the exchange might go. my "courage" had returned.

the first round of our conversation was all about him. about how many terrible things had happened to him since shortly before he faded away. I listened and expressed my sympathy. I do feel sorry for him that he's had to go through that all. but really had nothing to say. (what do you say to someone whose world was crumbling, and despite your continuously trying to help them pick up the pieces, they just pushed you further and further away?)

the second round occurred minutes later after I had checked in, as I was still waiting for J. he briefly asked how things were with me. I said good. busy. people walked up to check-in. I started to walk off, he asked where I was working and said he'd stop by.

when I walked over to J she had a somewhat incredulous look on her face. I don't really know was the answer to why I stayed and chatted with him. was I couragous or crazy? I really don't know.

why would anyone want to talk to a person who didn't feel they deserved a simple goodbye? I thought about this a little amidst the beer pouring and drinking.

round three began when he walked up as I was talking with one of the reps. we engaged in a little inconsequential chit-chat. then he asked why I'd been so busy. I told him lots of trips. he asked where. I told him most recently Austin, next Phoenix, then Hawaii.

he asked if they were for work. (obviously doesn't know me at all. or doesn't remember. or care to. he knew my company has overwhelmingly local clients.) I said no, mostly for fun. he asked when I leave for Hawaii. there was a mob in front of us, demanding more India Pale Ale. he said goodbye and moved on.

after he walked away. another friend asked who I was going to Hawaii with. I said no one, just going for a friend's wedding. she said oh, I thought you told him "we leave Wednesday." interesting. wonder if I did?

he only briefly said hi to J, then didn't really look at her. perhaps he didn't have enough courage. I wonder if he might have been afraid she'd say something he deserved to hear. she probably would have. he knows my friends are loyal. he knows they will always be there to stand up for me. J didn't bother, she knew I could handle him for myself.

on our way out, I saw him. chatting on his phone and smoking. I couldn't resist. I tapped him on the shoulder, and mouthed the words, "thought you were going to quit." inexplicably I felt a need to harrass him for that. another one of his li(n)es.

J asked if I wanted to try and be friends with him. no, I just don't like the ackwardness I felt avoiding him the night before. I'd much rather be civil to him, then avoid him and let him believe that he hurt me to the point that I felt I needed to do that. he didn't and I don't. he's not worth that. he never was.

driving home, I thought about how I felt last year at this time. hanging out with him after we worked the festival. how even then, before much of his world fell apart, he treated me poorly. and although I know I loved him, I realized he never felt the same, and he never truly made me happy.

I grinned. whether I'm couragous or just a lunatic, I was happy that I no longer felt the need to avoid him. I'm happy with where I am. and life is good. very good.