brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

when a friend's not

is there someway to know? some test? should I just go with my gut feeling?

I have a friend. I thought she was a very good friend. but I'm starting to wonder about that.

I know friendships go through phases, like any relationship. I know there are good times and bad. but this one is making me wonder.

a roommate of mine in college jokingly nicknamed me the doormat. I used to let one particular friend that I'd known since junior high treat me not-so-nicely.

I finally learned to stand up for myself. to not let her take advantage of me. I'm wondering if I've reverted.

am I just being overly sensitive? is it just a different level of friendship?

I'm a loyal, trusting friend. I would do nearly anything for her. I realized tonight, that's not reciprocated. I don't even make the short list of people she invites over for Friday evening beers.

she continuously mentions hanging out when my presence could benefit her. but when I don't, the invitation is often absent.

does that mean she's not a true friend? or that I expect too much of my friends? or does it mean I'm just more considerate than most? perhaps she's just trying not to mix too many ingredients into her soup.

18 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Methinks she doth not want the competition.

Is that too catty?

Haven't we women evolved beyond that?

Methinketh perhaps not....

Jeremy said...

My wife and I go through the same thing with our "friends". It seems like we are making all the effort. I thought it was just me and a few of my friends at first, but my wife has the same issues with her girlfriends.
We have a few that reciprocate the effort - and I guess that just goes to show who is a friend, and who is merely an acquaintance.

Rebecca said...

Go with your gut sister. Your 6th sense almost never will steer you wrong.

This is a topic I've pondered myself, as I think we've all had friends that have let us down at one point or another. I actually have a theory on it... but I'll save that for a post for another day. :)

Yoda said...

RG,

I think you're right about friendships and cycles. It just happens that way.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. There could be any number of reasons you weren't invited. Is she married? Part of a couple? Is that short list of invitees all couples?

My best friend and his wife stopped inviting me to things they do with their other friends long ago, and I'm sure it's because I'm the only one of their friends who isn't married, and I don't have a steady girlfriend. It's no big deal, and we make time to hang out at other times. We've been friends for more than twenty years, and I know that's not going to change.

~Kurt

Rachwell said...

I hate when it feels like you are the only one making the effort. Or they only hang out when it's on their terms. It makes the friendship more work than it's worth.

Have a great weekend.

Callie said...

Tough one, and I've definitely been there before. I have one person in particular that I still allow to treat me like a doormat. I alternate between thinking it's because I am weak, or because I am strong and she is the weak one. That she couldn't handle losing me as a friend if I walked off the set.

There could be a million and one reasons why her soup doesn't always include you... at the end of the day though, when the s**t hits the fan - if she comes running then she is a true friend.

Maybe that is the "test" you speak of?

You expect out of your friends what you yourself put into friendships... the old "do unto others" adage. I think that is fair.

Jen said...

I think you already know the answer. If you are doubting her, then she is probably not a real friend.

Sarafina said...

If you must question your friendship status...she falls under the "not" category.

I love reading your posts...keep it up and thanks for the "linking help" the other day. You are awesome!

Sara

mountaindog said...

Hard to say. My two bits would be to back off and see if she makes an effort to come to you. Maybe she is just taking it for granted that you will always be there no matter what. Even friendships take some work and if she isn't willing to do any then maybe it is better to stop trying so hard on your end.

Jenna (aka Foo) said...

Not to drop in out of the blue and comment on your friendships :), but this struck a chord in me.

I second those that say that you probably know already how good of a friend this is, whether or not you want to know yourself.

I recently ended a friendship where I was taken advantage of for a year and a half. And I knew within the first few meeting that this person wasn't the kind of friend I needed; but I liked her, and I didn't have that many friends, you know?I'd have been better off ending it early.

So, I'd go with the advice. Back off and see if she begins to make a reciprocal effort. If not, cut your losses. Real friends will come along, don't worry.

JAX said...

i agree with Elizabeth. Girls are wierd sometimes. I am more like you and I wonder the same thing about how I treat my friends vs how they reciprocate.

Did you notice my url for my blog is notcatty.blogspot. I started this blog after my group blog of girl"friends" got all whack on me.

I wish there was some kind of screening too but I guess the gauge is to hang with people that you like yourself when you're with.

That makes sense to me at this exact moment but I'm tired and I there might be more to it.

JAX said...

i just read the other comments too and I think we're all on to something. Trust your gut.

kt said...

i agree with everyone else rg. friendships definitely go in cycles.. once a friendship becomes too much work, it's usually not worth it. some people are meant to be your friend forever, others at just certain points in your life.

Kate said...

Oooh, I do not enjoy this kind of feeling you are having RG...and I've had it a lot lately.

I suppose my best advice is: If she is a really important to you -- confront her. Tell her your concerns, and give her the chance to include you. If she continues to act the same way she always has, then you've already set your 'needs' and now you need to move on.

There are people in this world who will notice that they are not meeting your friendship needs and then try to meet them. You are an important and sincere friend, worthy of having good friends back.

Don't settle for less.

dewey said...

We all, to some extent, keep our friends around us based on what we get from them. Hopefully, the give vs. take is in equal amounts. But when you find yourself giving more than taking, it's time to re-evaluate. A few years ago, I cut a lot of people out of my life, because I felt used, and the negative energy was bringing me down. Sometimes I miss the "cut-ees", especially the one who was my "stay out drinking until 4am" friend, but overall, I'm better off.

Sounds like you need to work through the pro-con list. It's not easy, but you probably won't regret it.

Tanya Kristine said...

well i think i'm more like that other friend. But I love my unselfish girlfriend with all of my heart.

I'm just not like her. I'm not that giving or demonstrative as she is. I try...but fall short most of the times.

you can put friends in to categories. Understand who they are and what they are capable of and leave it at that...zero expectations seems to be the pain-free way to go.

GlitterGlamGirl05 said...

Consideration has a lot to do with it. I have friends for different reasons and recognizing that every person has a time and place is what makes my friends interesting.

28goingon40 said...

I completely agree with Jen...and Rebecca I want to know your theory!