brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Friday, September 30, 2005

turns out I am a coward

I've been "volunteering" at the Great American Beer Festival for a few years. I show up a little before the session, find a brewery to pour for, pour some beer, drink a little, talk with my friends and the brewery reps, wander around some. I know, it's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it.

a couple of years ago I was checking in for one of my shifts. the guy checking me in was also checking me out. we chatted some. later on he came up to the brewery I was pouring for and we chatted more. numbers were exchanged. we ended up dating for over a year.

apparently we both volunteered again this year. but unlike my courage at the concert run-in this summer, I was a complete coward last night.

I checked in a little late and I worked by myself last night. so when I saw him out of the corner of my eye, I acted as if I didn't and went about my checking in.

he didn't come up to me. I also didn't go over to talk to him. I didn't feel chatty then. I didn't feel like being the bigger person.

he never came around my area of the festival later. which is a little unfortunate, because by then I had a little liquid courage. and I'd already made friends with the Sierra Nevada reps, and I'm sure they would have come to my rescue if things had gotten really uncomfortable.

now tonight, I'm working again. he'll likely be checking people in again. I hope I'll have some courage tonight, I hope I'll be the bigger person and walk up to him to say hi. it's not that I really care anymore (I don't think) it's just that there's this huge thing in the air. this uncomfortable heaviness.

I think we could be civil to each other, dare I say friendly? but it has to be mutual. I can't do it by myself. it's just so strange to see someone who used to be so much a part of your daily life. so close to you. and now to be complete strangers.

I have friends working with me tonight. they'll be there to hide behind, or walk beside whatever I decide. although, now that I think about it, perhaps I should be more worried about what they might say to him. they're still angry at him for how he treated me. shocked I have been civil to him. I have great friends here, too.

guess it could be an interesting evening.
wish me a little courage.

10 comments:

Shananigans said...

OMG there are going to be so many great WI breweries representin’! I’m so jealous I could cry. Please go visit the Great Dane at booth H 5 and have a Crop Circle Wheat for me. You won’t regret it. Oh, and a Spotted Cow from the New Glarus Brewing Co. at booth D 26. And if you still have room the Leinenkugel’s (booth H 9) Honey Weiss and Red Ale are also very good. (Me? Drink beer much? No.)

I hate those awkward social situations. You really are the bigger person and if doesn’t want to make nice he’s being a baby and it’s his loss anyway. I’m fortunate that all my exes live far away in another state.

GlitterGlamGirl05 said...

You have me fully behind you. No matter what happens I love you to death!

Kate said...

Good Luck RG!

kt said...

so how'd it go?? too bad you're not pouring tonight!

Jeremy said...

I have seen an ex of mine here in Utah since I returned at several events... I am not sure why I haven't spoken with her... maybe because she was a bitch and stomped my heart out and has horns... or maybe I am just a wuss when it comes to confrontation... oh well.

Good luck with tonight, beer wench. :-)

Jen said...

I wish you courage but I think it is wasted on that jerk. You are too good for him and owe him no civility.

Pirate said...

Bite the lip suck in the courage and approach the guy for God sakes. You are interested so do it.

Tanya Kristine said...

if it's dead in the water, i say let your heart heal and fuhget abowt it...why do you want to say 'hi' to him anyway? he was a part of your life but not anymore. emmett fox says to look back over your shoulder is certain death...only look forward.

what happened anyway? Now i'm dying to know!

Callie said...

I've felt that awkwardness before. I don't think that feeling ever goes away - I'm not a big believer that people can be great friends after they've treated the other (or been treated) poorly in a romantic relationship.

If you really think it will help deflate the big bubble over your head, then say HI. Usually what I find is - after talking for a few minutes - that you remember the reasons you put him out of your life in the first place. That, in itself, can be reassuring.

If you think he will say something that might get your goat, then don't waste your energy on him. It sounds like you wasted enough energy on him in the past.

ramblin' girl said...

thanks, everyone! you guys are great!