brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

stillness

Everything was still. Absolutely still. Not a sound. Not a leaf rustling in the tree outside my bedroom window.

I felt still like the leaves. Like everything had stopped. Perhaps in some ways it had. I lay there thinking about the stillness, part of it.

Then it was broken. The thump of a tail. A pleading pair of brown eyes peeking up from beside the bed. Awaiting our Sunday morning ritual.

I peeled myself out of bed, determined to find something to break through the stillness that seemed to have permeated my very being.

Tears rolled down my cheeks involuntarily as we walked. I couldn’t help the sadness that had come over me. And I couldn’t imagine anything that would.

Memories streamed in my head. But all of the tough times seemed to have been filtered. It was as if my memory had put on a pair of rose-colored glasses.

My favorite stand of pine trees reminded me of our hikes and walks. A song on a passing car stereo of amazing nights at shows. A petunia. A crumbling set of concrete stairs.

Every little thing reminded me. Of the great times we had together. Of all the plans we had made for the summer that I had been so looking forward to.

At the coffee shop, on our walk home, in line at the grocery store, everywhere I went, the tears just started. Without warning. People would look at me questioningly. I would look away.

It’s nearly impossible to believe now. But I know someday, the rose-colored memories will fade. I know the tears will subside. I know these feelings of stillness will pass.

Even knowing it to be true doesn’t make believing it any easier right now.

4 comments:

Jen said...

I know you are feeling horrible right now, and you have the right to. It is okay to feel like crap for a while and to mourn what you have lost. But I think you are on target about the fact that you are mentally tempering your experiences and memories as "rosier" than they actually were. You always had your doubts in that relationship and it was probably for good reason. I hope you feel better soon. Give TheDog a big hug for me.

Glitter said...

Awww..man this is the feeling that is the worst. We are here for you!!! Cry away, I'll hand you a kleenex and give you a big hug!

hubs said...

it couldn't have happened to a better person. i think i made a comment to this effect a while back. get all those tears out of the way cause if real life is anything like you've reported on this blog, you're much better off today than you were a week ago.

Elizabeth said...

Aw shucks, RG. I'm right there with you, girlfriend. It's been awhile since I had a relationship to mourn, but I remember, I remember. You are right on about the rose colored glasses. I wear them long past when they are out of style. It's just the way I'm made.

The color does fade, in time. The clarity, when it comes, illuminates that "duh" lightbulb and suddenly it all makes sense.

Big hugs, until that time comes for you.