better, hopefully

she was still in bed when my mom called today. that worried my mom, and she asked her how she felt.

better.

and it wasn't just the words, mom could hear it in her voice, too. she'd slept. well. and for a long time.

hopefully that means she's on the road to improvement. hopefully her doctor will ok her to take the road back up here, soon.

mocking sun

the sun came out. to shine it's brilliance on life. to show how things march on despite sick grandmothers. to show that happiness does exist (even if it's not my own). to mock me as I'm chained to my desk. to show me just how dead flat my tire was.

yes, really. I can't catch a break. this time I have to replace all 5 tires. it can't be repaired and it's discontinued. and with AWD, I can't buy one different tire. the worst part is, the ones I have had quite a bit of life left in them yet.

well, at least I know my grandma has a lot of life left in her. she was ornery to the ER staff when her friend took her over the other night. but she's feeling a little better now that she's home.

a week ago my mom said she was too tired to be ornery. so ornery is an improvement. and that brings a little happiness with it despite the rest.

grey clouds

grey clouds and drizzle outside my window mirror my melancholy. is it the weather? or just post-vacation let down? every time I try to write about my recent trips or my grandma I can't. the words just won't come.

I miss something. it could be my friends. my grandma. a boy. beautiful spring days. my sanity. all of them, none of them. I'm not certain.

thank you all for your concern and well wishes for my grandma! wanted to let those that have asked know that my grandma's doing slightly better.

my mom flew back last night. more because she had to for work, than because she felt my grandma was fine. but she's back home. I'm back home. and my grandma's friend is back home to help her if she needs it.

the grey clouds will clear. the sun will shine again. outside and in. it has to.

helpless frustration

she says she's feeling better. but my mom just called me in tears. and reduced me to them as well.

my grandma doesn't want my mom there waiting on her anymore. she's frustrated at being sick. she's taking it out on my mom.

unfortunately my mom's not the type to deal with that well. she'd called me to find her a flight. she doesn't have internet access there.

I tried to calm her down. the middle child in me shining through. trying to make her see the situation from my grandma's point of view.

I wish it had worked. I wish I had gotten through to her.

my mom takes things very personally. my grandma telling her she doesn't need or want her there anymore might as well have been her telling my mom she didn't love her anymore.

she's the martyr. but this time it can't be about her. this time she has to make sure my grandma can take care of herself before she leaves.

I asked her how she thought my grandma really felt. she said probably a little better. but she'd sent my mom to the store for some medicine.

I tried to get my mom to understand that my grandma's just frustrated that she doesn't feel well enough to be her usual independent self.

my mom's frustrated, too. all she wants to do is make sure she feels better before she flies home. and now she feels she can't win. if she stays, my grandma will be upset. if she doesn't but my grandma gets worse, she'll never forgive herself.

and I'm frustrated. I can't do anything. I can't make my mom see my grandma's point of view. I can't help my grandma to see that it's alright to lean on someone while she's really sick.

and I'm still very worried. I can't concentrate on work. and just when I'd settled in, found some focus, to catch up on some things tonight, my mom called.

my grandma has to get better. she has to let people, my mom and her doctors, help her to get better. and my mom has to realize that sometimes people take out their frustration on those they love. because they know we'll love them back no matter what.

she has to be ok

it's been years, decades actually, since I lost a grandparent. my grandma is the last one I have left. and she's not feeling well.

she went to the doctor yesterday. he said she was on the verge of pneumonia. my mom flew down there this morning.

I'm scared. I'm worried. and I feel utterly helpless.

I just saw her two weeks ago. but I miss her already. I was supposed to fly back down in a few weeks to drive her up for the summer.

I want to go down there now. but with work, and my trip to NY next week, it's not very feasible.

if my mom calls today when she gets there and tells me she's worse, though. I'll be there. some things are more important than a job. then commitments.

I hope she's feeling better. I hope she draws from the amazing strength I know she has and pulls through. I can't imagine not having her. she just has to be ok.

just maybe

I hoped it would happen, even though I'd given up on it. I heard the phone ring, but didn't get there in time.

it was him. I waited for the phone to beep again. so I could hear his voice. hear what he had to say.

it didn't. there was no message.

I can't call again. can't say I saw you called.

and all I want to do is talk to him. and I can't explain it. I've never met someone that seemed to get me as he did.

maybe he'll try again. just maybe.

springtime in the Rockies

days like Saturday are why I love it here, why I'll never* leave.

as we drove over the pass, the crisp blueness of the sky made me sigh. it was perfect. the fluffy newly fallen snow. the jagged rocks. the unreal color of the sky.

and as we got to the top of the mountain. I looked over the mountains surrounding us. my breathe caught. and it wasn't just the altitude.

this place brings back memories. of the guys I skied with in high school. of ex-boyfriends. of wonderful friends. of my siblings and I all skiing together.

it had been too long since I'd been to A-Basin. and now I can't imagine what has kept me away. it's small, not a resort. the people are my kind of people. it's laid back. easy-going. comfortable.

after making some runs, even nearly fresh tracks on the east wall, we decided to head down to the beach. we met up with friends and enjoyed the beach party atmosphere. dogs playing in the snow. friends relaxing in chairs. enjoying beers and laughter.

then it was time to head back. we stopped at a quaint deli in a small mountain town for lunch. once back in the city, the weather was beautiful. sunny. very warm.

I took TheDog for a nice long walk. then headed to a friend's birthday fiesta. perfect weather to sit on the patio and drink tasty margaritas surrounded by good friends.

perfect day. great friends. springtime in Colorado.


* I know, never say never. but days like Saturday make it difficult for me to imagine living anywhere else.

skip of the heart

I walked in the door. my heart skipped just a little. then butterflies. he saw me walk in and got up to meet me. he offered me his seat, as it was the only one. we talked and laughed. it was easy. but it was more than that. interesting. heartfelt.

I glanced across the bar. my gaze landed upon a friend. I waved and motioned him over without even thinking. then realized I should have checked with him. my friend joined us. he didn't mind. we even joined my friend and his girlfriend when they sat down for dinner.

the evening stretched on much longer than our first. but despite both of our after work tiredness, the conversation didn't cease. I began to realize I liked this guy. a lot.

as he walked me towards my car, he told me he was sad he couldn't see me for a while since I was leaving on my adventures* the next morning. I smiled. me too. he leaned in and kissed me. my heart skipped just a little.

I couldn't stop grinning on my way home. I called him when I was gone and we talked for a while. and all seemed good.

but something changed while I was gone. he either got scared or reconsidered. or maybe I just misread things. now all I want is for my heart to skip a little.

* I know, I promised tales of my travels. and I promise to make good on that promise. but not yet. my head's not there right now. or maybe it's my heart that's not there.

all of you

I was reminded Sunday of a few things. of how easy it is to feel like, to think that, you know someone. even when you really don't. of how I consider among my friends those who read my random ramblings and those who invite me to read about their lives, even those I have not met. of how much I enjoy the mental vacation of writing.

my friend Yoda reminded me of these things while keeping me company waiting for my flight home. (and yes, I'll get to the tales of my travels soon.)

he's the third person I've met through this writing experiment. and so far, I'd say, I'm three for three. kt's become an amazing friend. and through her I met the talented stacers, although only briefly. and now, Yoda.

is it just me or are the people who pour their thoughts and wishes and dreams out for the world to read a special kind of people? or maybe I'm just a bit biased.

but sitting in the airport talking with my old/new friend was wonderful. he's more kind and interesting in person than even his entries would lead one to believe.

our conversation felt to be between old friends catching up on each others lives, rather than two people who had never really met. and catch up we did, as I've been remiss with my friends. yes, all of you.

I know, I know. I've been too busy. I haven't written, or called. I haven't read up on your lives, or commented when I have. and I'm sad I won't have much time to change that anytime soon.

but as I learned Sunday, as with all true friends, it doesn't matter how long it has been, time makes no difference when there is friendship as a tie. and I feel extremely lucky to have met such wonderful friends.

yes, all of you.

sitting, waiting, wishing

I'm sitting in the airport. on free access. except there's a no business caveat. I can't even check my work e-mail. guess that makes me enjoy my trip more. without the ability to check the messages in my inbox.

visiting with my grandma was relaxing. my mom was here on her spring break, so I stopped in on my way to San Diego. there's not much to do without leaving my grandma behind. so we did a bit of reading and chatting. it was great to catch up.

although I'm happy that I should be by the ocean soon. to meet up with friends and celebrate yet another getting hitched. more activity to keep me busy.

sitting around. doing nothing. I tend to think. about all the things I should be doing. about all the things I wish I were doing. about the people I wish I could talk to.

that sounds ungrateful. I'm not. I thouroughly enjoyed the time spent this week with my grandma. I love her. she's amazing, as I've said before. I just wish she could still do some of the things she used to do.

but I am very grateful to still have her around. and I very much look forward to driving her back home soon.

I suppose if she could still do all the things she used to, I wouldn't get the chance to drive with her. the chance to know her as well as I do. and for that I am more than grateful.

in the desert

the smell of citrus. the sun. the cacti. the palm trees. all remind me of the decades visiting my grandma. so happy to still have the chance.

playing in the snow

the sun was shining as we pulled up. as I opened the car door she ran out. excited can't even describe her reaction. it had been nearly a year since she'd been here to play.

this time her cousins were here to play annoy her. but she's a good sport she doesn't mind a little cousin time as long as she gets to play in the snow.

she seemed a little sad when she was left to puppysit while the people enjoyed our own snow play. but she understands that sliding down a snow covered hill can be fun. even if she doesn't understand the need for boards.

it had been years since we had all skied together. it was a fantastic day. beautiful blue skies. spring skiing. family. and laughter. capped off by dinner with the nieces. but sadly, just the human ones.

although the puppies got back at us for leaving them for too long. they decided my ski sock torn to shreds would show us. but even a little sock casualty couldn't make a dent in the fantastic day of skiing with brothers and sisters, both real and in-law.

now, they've all gone home. and it's just TheDog and I for tomorrow. a nice break from reality. hopefullly, she'll enjoy the rest from the puppies while I make a few turns.

not the same

he was one of my best friends. there was more there but our timing was always off. and he was less able to figure out women than I was to figure out guys.

over the decade or so that we've been friends, our friendship has changed in various ways. but there was always that certainty that I could count on him whenever I needed a friend and he could count on me.

we were competitive with each other like siblings often are. but more respectful of each other than if we were. he was my knight in shining armor when I got dumped particlarly cruelly. I was the friend he called when he needed to talk about things.

he started dating an amazing girl last year. she's great. but our friendship changed permanently when they met.

today I got their save the date card. I'm so happy for him. but, and this sounds extremely childish and selfish, I'm also a little sad.

I know, I know, I'm not losing a friend, I'm gaining another. but it's not the same.

not only that, how did he figure it all out before me? (okay, so maybe that's the competitive thing coming out again.)

but I am happy for them. and despite my slight twinge of sadness, I wish them a fantastic life together. now if I can just figure out how to make it to their wedding.

gone, give a damn

perhaps I was a bit too arrogant. perhaps I had assumed too much. or believed too much.

I didn't believe it when he said it. I didn't believe it when my friends said they thought it could be true. but I'd thought about it. and why not? so I let the possibility creep in.

then I saw him. he was standing there with his arm around a girl. he tried to avoid me, but it wasn't so easy. I walked right up and said hello. and hurried on my way.

I felt numb. and I didn't really know why.

I was happy for him. and sad at the same time. he got me, like no one else ever had. it was easy. and fun. and uncomplicated. and we could talk about anything.

now it was gone. we had nothing. I couldn't call him now. what would she think. he wouldn't be calling me now. he had someone to talk to.

I guess we never really do know what we had until it's gone.

completely off base

I was way off about the doctor. not only was he an ass, but apparently he was a married ass. my friend got this little scoop when she was hanging out with a friend of his later.

so, why is it the married and soon-to-be-so guys decide they need to kiss me? is it my stupidity of not asking the right question? although to my credit, this last one didn't really give me the chance.

with all of the weekend's twisted tales, I was beginning to think I should stay away from guys for a while. then a wrench was thrown into the plan.

the hanging out due to the bet turned out to be great. he said he wanted to hang out again. it's looking like a good possibility. but these days, I know not to count on anything.

three strange days

if nothing else, at least life is entertaining.

in three strange days, I went on two dates. met a doctor* who thought he needed to check my tonsils within minutes of meeting me. got a call from bike boy. had a boy tell me he loved me. ran into an old friend. and set into motion the first date resulting from the bet.

the two dates were with a fantastic guy. one I'm really beginning to like. alot. the first was great. the second, not so much. he said he was preoccupied. and apologized. but I got the feeling he'd changed his mind about me in a day. he's gone for a while. so, I guess time will tell.

and the doctor was adorable, but turned out his looks were only eclipsed by how much of an ass he was.

then there was the three-word conversation. it had been a year since I'd met 24. he'd been excited to hang out with me over the weekend. when I saw him, he was beyond inebriation. and he told me he loved me. repeatedly. even after I ensured him that he didn't.

of course he doesn't remember this conversation. at all. but a few friends have insisted guys don't say these things unless they mean them. that alcohol can be like a truth serum. I still don't buy it.

and since it was already a bizarre few days, I caved and finally talked to a guy I met from the bet. he was funny. and seemed nice. and we're going to hang out this week.

although it was snow falling from the sky all weekend, I think it was actually pouring.


* doctor was what his friends and he said he was. I highly doubt that was true.

the dance

there are steps. an order. a dance.

the beginning is always uncertain. what song will come on? it may be only a short-lived, fun-filled tango. it may turn into a long, slow waltz. one may want to tango. while one may want to waltz. you never know at the start.

if you mis-step you might step on toes. it you hold on too tightly or pull back too far, you might lose your dance partner completely.

but at least you got asked to dance. or did the asking. does who does the asking change the dance? can someone who's always had two left feet learn the steps? or will the lights come up, before the song is even over?

the boyfriend

she thought she was being funny. she thought she was being nice. and she was. but the timing was terrible.

both my sister and my mom found it hilarious when they showed up at my house tonight with my new boyfriend.

"he" was my (belated) Valentine's present from my sister. he is of the "just add water" variety.

most any day I would have laughed along with them. but after spending the weekend defending my solo status, I was not all that amused. I had hurried home from our annual company ski weekend to meet my mom and sister for dinner and The Boyfriend*.

for the last 48 hours I had been hanging out with coworkers I see all too often and their fabulous significant others and kids. many harrassing me for not having an SO, for not inviting a guy I've seen once to come up.

in the past the weekend has been fun. hanging out, drinking and playing games with coworkers that seem like extended family. we used to head to the bars. we used to break into the hot tub after hours.

this year was different. the number of kids has nearly outnumbered adults. and the parents aren't as excited to sneak away to do shots at the bar as they have been in the past. even the young ones in the office were mellow this time.

the sweet victory of the women engineers over all of our bosses and coworkers in the annual game of Cranium couldn't even make a dent in the dullness of the weekend.

perhaps it's because we've all been working too hard. perhaps we're just getting old. perhaps it's because the snow is already pathetic. but the weekend wasn't as fun as it always has been.

maybe it was entirely my perception, since the harrassment for flying solo was directed only at me this year. and it didn't cease.

regardless of the reason, my sister's present tonight didn't help. my usual feeling of being fine with where I am in life has yet to return.

it will. and soon. but tonight I am not amused.

* old musical that is currently playing Denver, directed by Julie Andrews. cute, but not great.

Colorado girl

as I stood at the top of the mountain drinking in the snow-capped peaks, I grinned. a Cheshire Cat grin. my friend's boyfriend told me I should take a few runs, he would stay with her. I told him as long as there are boards on my feet and snow beneath those boards, I'm happy.

besides, who could not be happy on a day like that. beautiful spring-like weather in February. brilliant blue skies. soft snow. five fabulous days of nothing but skiing and relaxing in the company of great friends.

my friend and her boyfriend have flown in every year for the past three for our annual ski trip. the first year, she was hesitant. she'd never skied before. I insisted I'd teach her, and she'd love it.

starting with spring breaks in college, I've been importing my friends for ski trips nearly every year. many of my best friends from school have come out to ski with me. some to take "lessons". I've taught two of my college roommates, and various other friends. all have loved it.

I feel lucky to be able to share my favorite winter activity with my friends. thinking back over the years, I truly am amazed that I've been able to talk nearly every one of my best friends from school into making turns with me. even more amazing given many had never skied before. some had never even seen "real" mountains.

my friend T moved to Denver with her husband and learned to ski the same trip as our friend who flew out this past weekend. she told me a while back that after moving here, she finally gets me. between my ski habit and my love of summer outdoor concerts, she understands my need to be outside. my need to bask in the sunshine under blue skies. why I belong in Colorado.

I swam across, I jumped across for you

a fantastic weekend. a birthday celebration, a bit of pampering and two great shows. although completely different.

new friends. friends I've known nearly half my life. and family. all incredible. even guys that (I thought) had potential.

reminiscing over the good old days. telling tales of exciting recent adventures and events.

pool playing. talking into the wee hours of the morning. flirtatious exchanges that meant more and less than they appeared to.

back to the dull everyday in the morning. but only for a few days until college days invade again.