brief snapshots in time. memories and thoughts. disorganized and random.

Monday, July 09, 2007

sleeping away darkness

Something is just not right. I can't pin it down. I never get like this. Well at least not for long. This time the light is shorter. The dark is longer.

Actually the light is barely breaking through.

I keep hoping that if I could just sleep. In my own bed. In my own house. Really sleep. It would all be alright.

I keep hoping that the hole that I can't seem to fill would just go away as I sleep. Or maybe it's not the sleeping. Maybe it's everything else.

Maybe it's missing my grandma. Or the boy. Or the possibility of another boy. Or my camera. Or my feeling of safety.

I don't want to go to work. I have to. I have no choice. No time off. Too much to do. But I don't really get anything done.

I don't really want to see my friends. I have to. Plans that can't be broken. But I don't really feel like I'm there. Conversations go by that I can barely recall.

I don't want to workout. I have to. Despite the pain in my hip. I'm (stupidly) doing a triathlon in six days. But I'm not really sure I can do it.

There's nothing I really feel like doing.

TheDog absolutely insisted I take her on a walk tonight. It helped. For a while. But the darkness settled back in. The dread of going to work tomorrow. The dread of having to put on a happy face for friends.

I had really hoped my sleep problem would be solved today. I was very much looking forward to crawling between the sheets of my own bed in my own house and sleeping. All night.

There was a mix-up. I now have to wait a few more days. But maybe in a few days I can sleep. And the darkness will evaporate as I do.

3 comments:

wordnerd said...

I can't possibly know what all is going on, but it sounds to me like you are (a) exhausted and (b) overwhelmed. And exhaustion can really contribute to malaise and even some depression. Have you talked to your doctor?

Hope things get better for you -- and soon!

Glitter said...

Awww....We've all felt like this. In fact, I feel like this a lot but it helps to get a good nights sleep and to get away from things. Even for a night, which doesn't sound like you are getting much of.

Rainypete said...

I hate it when I get in a tailspin like this. I know it will eventually blow over but that is little consolation when you are in the middle of the storm. I hope things lighten up a little for you soon!