back in the habit

It's really hard for me to get back into the habit of things. Like writing. Or heading to the gym at lunch.

I'm working on it. But my work scedule has been very inconsistent lately. Add to that the erratic and crazy pup's schedule. And you have a recipe for a very tired girl. One who feels she's not quite doing everything she needs to or wants to do.

Sure I'm busy, but it's not just that. I've had all kinds of weird work, friend and family issues lately. Everyone seems a little out of sorts. And I don't quite know what to do about it. If anything.

Not to mention the typical holiday stresses. And the projects I'm trying to finish before Christmas.

Right now I'm concentrating on getting some work finished up for tomorrow so that I can take a nice, leisurely five day weekend. One that doesn't include working. At all.

I'm not convinced it will happen It will be some kind of miracle if I can pull it off. But that's what holidays are for, right?

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!! Enjoy your time with friends and family!

real reason

I know I'm supposed to be able to write whatever I want to here. Vent. Get out my frustrations. But I couldn't. I wasn't supposed to. And it may have been the time I needed it the most.

With TheDog sick, worried about her every day. With work and other things as bad as they've been. I refrained from sharing my thoughts with you, with myself even, because he asked me not to.

And then he pulled the disappearing act.

I don't understand how anyone can spend over a year of their life with someone and just fade away. I know it's happened to me before, and I'm guessing it will again. But I can't comprehend just ceasing communication with no reasons no closure.

I could venture guesses as to why he did it, but the truth is I don't care. It had been difficult for a very long time.

He'd been jealous of TheDog. Upset with me for spending too much time with her, worrying about her. Even though he was with me when I had to say goodbye, I had to ask, repeatedly.

Then when the silence of no paws got too much to bear, and I adopted Puppy, he was upset at the time I spent with her.

Despite his encouraging me to adopt a pup, he didn't really want for me to. Instead of joining us for walks, or playing with us in the back yard, he had other things to do. I never seemed to be his priority, but when he wasn't mine he got upset.

It's over, and it's a good thing. Even if I don't fully understand the why.

And I'm back. Back to enjoying the things I enjoyed, back to making no apologies for sharing my thoughts with you, with anyone who might care. Back to hoping for that one, the one who really wants me to share everything with him.

friends in far-flung places

What a crazy weekend. I ditched the pup with my sister and headed back to the scene of the shenanigans.

I've been back a few times but this was a reunion. So lots of other people from my class. But, most importantly, two of my best friends.

We stayed up late talking, toured around campus, playing the "remember whens," ate at our favorite restaurants and drank a margarita or two.

Ran into people I was very happy to see and a few I could go several more decades never running into again.

Despite still being a bit hungover and ridiculously sleep-deprived, it was a fantastic trip. I am reminded of how lucky I am to have the amazing friends I have, even if some live entirely too far away.

little paws

Everyone, meet the new(ish) pup. Pup, meet... everyone.

only a test

Dipping my toes in the water. Just seeing if there's anyone still out there.

But I suppose it doesn't matter... I'll be telling more stories soon. Just testing out a different way to post.

Photo Friday #16

Colorado-Style Hitching Post

outside a favorite bar, Colorado
(Summer, 2009)

A real friend is one who walks in
when the rest of the world walks out.

Walter Winchell

too quiet

Everything's too quiet. No matter how long I stay away, when I come home the silence is deafening.

There's no face in the window waiting for me. There's no wagging tail to greet me. There's no tiggering for treats. No impatient pacing waiting for our walk.

Last week I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I had to say goodbye to my best friend.

No matter how much I try to remember the years of wonderful moments I was lucky enough to share with her, the hole in my heart is too vast. It swallows me whole. My heart is broken.

I miss you, TheDog, the best dog ever. I miss you so very very much.

a furry miracle

The second she realized where we were she started shaking. She hates the place, and I don't blame her. Not that they're not nice to her there. Not at all. But she has been cut open a few times by them.

The last time they took her back into the back room, I had to leave her there, for days. The last time, they didn't think she would make it. The last time they sent her home with me and told me to just try and make her comfortable, that it might not be too long. The last time was after the last ultrasound, six months ago.

This time, the last place she wanted to go was back to the back room. It was for another ultrasound. It took a while, and I nervously did some work to distract myself, so I wouldn't really think about it.

When they called me into the room again so the vet could talk to me, I got a knot in my stomach. No, it couldn't be.

But when I saw both the oncologist and the surgeon come into the room with big smiles on their faces, I knew I didn't need to worry.

They said they could no longer even detect the mass on the ultrasound. The low-dose chemo was working. And the next day, her blood work came back looking good.

TheDog is doing great. And although I was hesitant to make plans for a birthday party for the old girl, my sister talked me into it. And now there's no way we're not helping her celebrate turning 15 in a bit over a month. What is that, 105 in dog years?

Thank you, everyone, for all your prayers and well wishes over the last six months for TheDog. Apparently miracles do happen.

fading friends

I was reminded this weekend that some friends won't be forever friends. That some friends are friends for a certain period of your life and then the friendship fades.

Some friends I have been very close with on and off since college got together this weekend. And sitting at dinner, listening to some of them tell their stories, commandeering the conversation as if they were the only important ones, I realized that these friendships had started to fade.

Sure, I will always be "friends" with them. But they have become too self-absorbed to even ask about anyone else.

Things are a little rough for a couple of us right now. But not once did the self-absorbed ones ask about us.

It all became clear. They have become just good-time friends. The kind who will usually join you for a beer, but can't be counted on for real conversation.

At least I'm learning.

photo Friday #15

Snowy Days

Colorado
(January, 2009)

If you would not be forgotten,
as soon as you are dead and rotten,
either write things worth reading,
or do things worth the writing.

Benjamin Franklin

what I did on my "vacation"

Yes, for those of you who stopped by since I fell off the planet, I'm still here. Alive. Good. All that.

Just busy. With work and other work. Friends and family. And of course there was a trip ot two.

Besides all that, my issues are still inconsequential compared to others. I've been the sounding board. To many. Some friends who were at one time too busy to talk to me about the craziness they now find themselves in.

But I'm here. Always. With real friends, that's just the way it is.

I would never question one on why she didn't talk to me about it while she was in the midst of it, only when it was over. That's just her way. And I know that. She has other things she's dealing with also. And when she needs a shoulder or ear, she knows she has mine. Always.

And although I want to shake another friend and ask what the heck he thinks he's doing. I'm trying not to get too involved. It's not my place.

Maybe a drama-magnet friend was right, maybe there has been too much drama lately.

unsure

I've kept things to myself. Not shared. Every time I try to explain why I am feeling the way I do my friends or sister say I'm being too quick to judge.

But there's a gut feeling. The same kind that I can't explain to him about why I think the way I do about certain issues.

I don't know if I need to be more tolerant or if my trepidation is founded. And recently I haven't been in the mood to figure it out. I'm exhausted by the mere thought of figuring it out.

I need someone to talk with about it all. But everyone is too busy. My little issues are completely inconsequential in comparison to others' right now.

I'll figure it out eventually. Maybe. Hopefully.

photo Friday #14

Red Aspens

Colorado
(October, 2008)

What you are will show in what you do.

Thomas A. Edison

photo Friday #13

Aspens

Colorado
(October, 2008)

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.

Aesop

no place like home

She's home. Finally. No more lights or sensors. No more IVs or oxygen tubes.

Unfortunately, I can't go see her, just yet. The last time I got to hold her was nearly a week ago.

But, as soon as I get over my silly sinus infection, I intend to take TheDog to visit my adorable new niece.

lucky misfortune

It was a gorgeous fall day. I drove slowly, despite being a little on the late side. I was too busy taking in the beautiful golds and rusts of the autumn aspen leaves to hurry.

I was having dinner with classmates, miles from home. After not having seen TheDog in days, after being in Texas for nearly a week prior.

Work was crazy busy, but winding up the mountain roads made it slip out of my mind. I didn't have a care. Only thoughts of my class and conference, and how nice it would be to see colleagues I rarely get to see.

As I made my way down from the tunnel, something felt not quite right. My first thought was to just keep going, I was only a half of an hour from my destination, and I'd just checked the tires before I left.

Then a little voice from somewhere said, maybe you should exit. Yes, the exit right there, check your tire pressure at that gas station, maybe even get a latte.

Maybe it was the clarity of that voice or though. Maybe it was the promise of caffeine. Whatever it was, something made me cut across two lanes of traffic to the exit ramp.

As I slowed down, I felt a thud, and slowly pulled to the side of the exit ramp. As I stepped out of my car, my tire tread came rolling down the exit ramp after me.

I looked at the tire, or where it had been, and all that was left was a rim with a little bit of rubber sprouting from the edges.

I realized I was shaking. But quickly started thinking about what to do. My first thought was to try to change the tire myself, then call AAA. But first I wanted to let those expecting me for dinner know that I would be late. I called my friend in the class to have her tell the others I'd be late.

As luck would have it, for the second time that night, she was just coming down from the tunnel herself, and asked if I wanted her to stop.

By the time she pulled off the highway, I had all of the various work and fun related items out of my trunk and into the back seat, and the spare tire out. I had tried to budge a lug nut, but to no avail. She also tried to loosen them, also without any movement.

Just as I was about to call AAA and resign myself to wait an hour or so for them to show, a very nice guy in a pickup stopped and offered us assistance. In about 15 minutes he had the tire changed, and had inspected the others for me. He was confident I'd be alright to continue on my journey, as I have a full-size spare.

My friend offered to give me a ride from there, leaving my car at a shop where we were, and getting a ride back to it after the conference from someone else in the class.

For some illogical reason, I felt I needed to make the drive. My friend followed behind me as we continued up and over the pass, at a very reduced speed. As every bump in the road had my knuckles turning a paler shade.

When we finally arrived at dinner with our classmates, I drank a glass of red to calm my nerves, and proceeded to enjoy the rest of the dinner.

Post-dinner drinks in the hotel bar, a great class, a fun night at the casino, and interesting conference talks all came to an end with a phone call from my mom.

When I saw she'd called, in the middle of the day, my heart jumped into my throat. God, please let TheDog be ok. She was, but my sister's water had broken. And as I snuck out of the conference a day early, I knew why it had been so important for me to drive my car there the other night.

I do believe in God and angels and something watching over us. But my usual bad luck couldn't have turned out better. I shudder to think what might have happened if I'd stayed on the highway going much more than the 15 mph I was going when the tire blew. And I could never have forgiven myself if I'd missed my adorable little niece being born.

Thanks to the kindness of a stranger, again, a not-so-great thing turned out to be just fine. Really good, even.

new addition

Things have been an absolute whirlwind lately. Various stories to tell. But only one really important one.

I'm an auntie! (again) My new little niece was about five weeks early and is still in the NICU, but she's doing better each day. She's beautiful and partially named after me. And I can't even imagine how much my sister wants her to come home.

I can't wait to be able to hold her and spoil her as a good auntie should.

welcome fall

It's my favorite season, if you don't count skiing and hiking seasons, this season of fleece pullovers and sweaters. Yes, I love fall.

So why in the world am I leaving my cool evenings and mornings to head south for another week of heat? Why, the music and friends, of course.

Another week of summer on repeat. Another year of listening to good tunes with great friends.

I can't wait. Although I have to, for another day or so. But soon I will happily leave the stress of work, and sadly leave TheDog.

And even though I know she'll be well cared for, I'll worry about her the entire time. My sister will spoil her while I'm gone, take wonderful care of her. But leaving her has been a really difficult decision. I just hope it's not the wrong one.

circle of friends

Some called me the organizer, others the instigator. Until recently, I guess I didn't really think anything of it.

Sure I like to get my friends together. Have a bbq every now and again, plan a girls' night out, suggest a happy hour drink.

A group of us went to the baseball game last night. On tickets I had exchanged from games I'd missed. A friend of a friend asked how we all knew each other. One stated that I was the center.

That's certainly not always the case. But when I found out the girls assumed I had plans with the new boy since I hadn't suggested happy hours lately, I realized it sometimes is.

When I've always done the suggesting, people have simply assumed I was busy when I stopped. They didn't even imagine I really needed someone to do the suggesting for once.

Once I was certain TheDog would be fine left unsupervised. Certain I could leave her for a few hours and she'd be alright, I started suggesting things again. A baseball game, dinner.

One such suggestion led to the question of what my happy hour plans were. Happy Hour? I hadn't happy-houred in weeks.

Happy hour turned into hours of people watching at Oktoberfest. The baseball game turned into a few too many drinks among friends.

And things seem back to normal. Mostly.

Sitting around last night, after my last ill-advised martini, my nerdy friends and I all took out our cell phone calendars and added a few things.

They may or may not happen. But in making the plans, I realized we are all just busy. My friends haven't forgotten about me. I just need to crawl out of my cave sometimes and check in with them.

woe is me

Just a quick woe is me moment. Feel free to ignore.

---

It's pathetic just looking over at the number of posts per month this summer. The thing is, I haven't felt much like writing. Even before TheDog got sick.

It's not that I haven't had a fun summer. But I've felt a bit like life is passing me by. With wedding festivities and baby showers and kids birthdays to celebrate with all of my friends, there just haven't been many interesting "me" things to write about.

Even my birthday was a non-event this year. I canceled the party I had planned, because of TheDog. And I've felt guilty leaving her for too long to do too many frivolous things like happy hours and dinners.

My friends have mostly forgotten about me, it seems. I am so far out of the loop I didn't even know that two of my good friends are dating each other. And have been for a while.

Friends I've introduced have begun leaving me out of their get-togethers. And I'm not sure if it's something I've done, or something I forgot to do.

Only one or two called to check in on me in the weeks that TheDog was really sick. A few e-mailed. But it was like they didn't really want to have to hear about it.

And the birthday was a non-event for them, as well. We plan dinners and weekend get-aways for their birthdays, and mine came and went with maybe a text or e-mail.

It seems the one who always calls and is there for everyone else when they need to vent or just talk has no one to turn to for the same.

I'm just feeling slighted. Like my friends aren't really that right now. Like they would rather not be. Like my only real friends are either sick and furry or live hundreds and thousands of miles away. And I miss them.