the last goodbye

I drove away one last time from her house. Well, her winter house. Said goodbye to the palm trees in the front yard as a few tears streamed down my face.

The house would remain in the family, but I would likely never visit again. It was the last time I'd drive out of her driveway. Like so many times before, when she was sitting in the passenger seat. On our road trips back home.

It had been over five years since she'd left us. But I still miss her terribly. I miss our road trips. I miss listening to the stories she would tell on our journeys about her childhood, about mine. I miss summers spent mowing her back yard, stealing a handful of raspberries as I did. I miss sitting on her back patio enjoying a grapefruit soda. I miss fresh squeezed grapefruit juice from her tree.

I just miss her. And I know my mom misses her even more. And when I think about it, it scares me that I'll miss my mom like this one day, too. And whenever my friends tease me about hanging out with her, traveling with her, or just talking to her often, I know I'll be very glad I took the time to create these memories with her.

do now

Nothing is worse than realizing you've fallen in love with someone who won't or who can't love you in return.

He's a jerk and completely inconsiderate sometimes. But most other times he's wonderful and caring. And I fell in love with the other times.

My heart is telling me to not give up on him. My head is insisting I do, and now. For the sake of my heart.

unexpected wisdom

If you simply listen, you can sometimes find the answers you need. Often in the places you least expect. Getting my daily dose of caffeine this morning had me overhear part of a conversation. The only part that mattered was the statement. "It's never selfish to express what you desire." I only know a little about the situation, from what I know, he was talking about not letting anyone keep you from letting them know what you want. As I embark on a little journey of improvement, these little tidbits of wisdom seem to be speaking to me louder than usual. And I'm going to do my best to listen. And maybe even repeat them.

rambling again

I'm dizzy. Could be the cold medicine, could be the things in my life spinning out of control around me while I feel as if I'm stuck standing still in the middle of it all, just watching it spin. I know, I keep coming back for a post or two and leaving. But I need a friend to talk to, and as it has been in the past this may be just the friend I need right now. One that doesn't really know any of the players in the drama. One that just listens, with a few bits of advice thrown in on occasion. I think part of why I stopped writing so often was that I finally found a very good friend who actually lived here, one I could talk to about anything. And I thought I didn't need to tell the page my thoughts. She is still one of my best friends, I just don't see her as much as I would like as she has moved far away. So, the page may get to hear more stories. But, then again, I know better than to promise anything. So, I ramble. Back to my point. My dizziness. It's been all consuming for a while. But has been present in some form for much longer. A year? More? I don't know. All I know is something has to give. I think I finally figure out what, and then I change my mind. Work? Friends? Guys? Family? House? All could use adjustments, but I'm contemplating big changes on several fronts, or they're being contemplated for me. But I can't decide if I should leap or not. Perhaps I need to tackle one at a time.

lucky giraffe kisses

So, my sister tells me giraffe kisses are lucky. As with many things she says, I don't quite believe her.

But after the giraffe licked the top of my head today, I decided I'll believe this time... I could use the luck. Otherwise I just have giraffe slobber on my head for no reason.

inconceivable

So, I picked a good time to start telling my tales again. I'd pretty much written off the last guy I dated. Realized he was never going to let me know what had happened. Never let me know why things ended.

About a month ago an absolute tragedy befell two of my good friends, and in my coming to grips with their loss, I tried to make sense of my own recent losses. One being a friendship that wasn't what I thought it was. And one being him. And since I still had no closure, I tried again to contact him, I called, sent an email. But of course no response, just like the half dozen other times I'd tried over the last few months.

But I needed to know he was alright. So I emailed the only friend of his that I really knew. And tonight his friend replied. Tonight his friend told me that the ex is indeed fine. Over his illness and back with a vengeance, I believe were his words.

And I'm left feeling devastated all over again. Back to feeling that I meant so little to him that he could just fade out of my life. Ignoring my requests to know how he was doing. Back to wondering how anyone can do that to someone they dated for nearly a year and a half.

I guess if nothing else, I've learned in the last month that people do inconceivable things to each other. It matters not if you're a stranger, friend, or girlfriend. People treat each other terribly in their own self-serving interests. I know, not all people, but far too many that I trusted lately.

so many stories... so little time...

A lot of things have happened since last I posted. A lot having to do with the last post. Unfortunately, I think some of you saw what I couldn't. What I didn't want to believe could happen. And perhaps I'll fill in the stories, but not now. It will have to be another time.

Tonight I just had to tell a short tale. A short tale of love. Standing on the slopes on Friday, my first ski day of the season, I fell in love again.

I have been working way too much. And despite my big hopes for a bright, fantastic new year, 2010 had begun horribly. Mix that with no snow and many deadlines, and I'd successfully cocooned myself in my office and hidden from the world.

But a friend convinced me a ski trip was in order, and I took the day off to start it off right.

And there staring off into the distance at the snow-covered peaks, snowy trees and untouched powder glistening in the sun under a blue bird sky, I fell in love, again. With my mountains and skiing. So appreciative of the state I live in and my true friends.

So, I'm making no promises, but I think I'm back. Months of sadness and misery tempered by time spent with a good friend, a few good days on the slopes, a few après ski afternoons, a few tasty dinners, and perhaps a few too many late night drinks and dancing.

It's time to start living and telling the good tales again. I'm ready for them.

bend an ear

I'm trying to figure something out. I'm good at figuring things out. That's what I do. Even my bosses recognize it, and they don't seem to recognize many things I do well.

But that's work. That's not relationships. Those, I'm not very good at figuring out. Maybe the problem is that I try to figure them out. Maybe I need to stop thinking so much. But I can't. It's who I am.

So, there's this guy. And every time I get a chance to talk to him I like him a little bit more. And if I had to guess, I'd say he might like me, too. But I don't get to see him very often.

He's a friend of a group of my friends. And therein lies the problem(s). My friends. Well, one in particular. She seems to attempt to sabotage my relationships, and try to keep others from happening.

She meddled in my last relationship. May have caused the beginning of the end. And she appears to be trying to do the same with this guy. Even though there's nothing yet to meddle in. She started acting oddly toward him as soon as she found out I liked him.

She's a good friend. When I called her on the last situation, she said she was doing it for me. And I can actually see how she may construe it that way. That is why we remain good friends. But this time it seemed malicious almost. I can't even bring myself to talk to her about it. To talk to her at all, yet. I'm seething.

And worse than the feeling I have of betrayal from my friend, I still like the guy. And can't figure out what if anything to do about the whole thing.

I need guidance, but since my usual suspects to go to for advice are too closely involved in the situation, I have no one to really talk to about the whole thing. And that makes me the most sad of all.

back in the habit

It's really hard for me to get back into the habit of things. Like writing. Or heading to the gym at lunch.

I'm working on it. But my work scedule has been very inconsistent lately. Add to that the erratic and crazy pup's schedule. And you have a recipe for a very tired girl. One who feels she's not quite doing everything she needs to or wants to do.

Sure I'm busy, but it's not just that. I've had all kinds of weird work, friend and family issues lately. Everyone seems a little out of sorts. And I don't quite know what to do about it. If anything.

Not to mention the typical holiday stresses. And the projects I'm trying to finish before Christmas.

Right now I'm concentrating on getting some work finished up for tomorrow so that I can take a nice, leisurely five day weekend. One that doesn't include working. At all.

I'm not convinced it will happen It will be some kind of miracle if I can pull it off. But that's what holidays are for, right?

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!! Enjoy your time with friends and family!

real reason

I know I'm supposed to be able to write whatever I want to here. Vent. Get out my frustrations. But I couldn't. I wasn't supposed to. And it may have been the time I needed it the most.

With TheDog sick, worried about her every day. With work and other things as bad as they've been. I refrained from sharing my thoughts with you, with myself even, because he asked me not to.

And then he pulled the disappearing act.

I don't understand how anyone can spend over a year of their life with someone and just fade away. I know it's happened to me before, and I'm guessing it will again. But I can't comprehend just ceasing communication with no reasons no closure.

I could venture guesses as to why he did it, but the truth is I don't care. It had been difficult for a very long time.

He'd been jealous of TheDog. Upset with me for spending too much time with her, worrying about her. Even though he was with me when I had to say goodbye, I had to ask, repeatedly.

Then when the silence of no paws got too much to bear, and I adopted Puppy, he was upset at the time I spent with her.

Despite his encouraging me to adopt a pup, he didn't really want for me to. Instead of joining us for walks, or playing with us in the back yard, he had other things to do. I never seemed to be his priority, but when he wasn't mine he got upset.

It's over, and it's a good thing. Even if I don't fully understand the why.

And I'm back. Back to enjoying the things I enjoyed, back to making no apologies for sharing my thoughts with you, with anyone who might care. Back to hoping for that one, the one who really wants me to share everything with him.

friends in far-flung places

What a crazy weekend. I ditched the pup with my sister and headed back to the scene of the shenanigans.

I've been back a few times but this was a reunion. So lots of other people from my class. But, most importantly, two of my best friends.

We stayed up late talking, toured around campus, playing the "remember whens," ate at our favorite restaurants and drank a margarita or two.

Ran into people I was very happy to see and a few I could go several more decades never running into again.

Despite still being a bit hungover and ridiculously sleep-deprived, it was a fantastic trip. I am reminded of how lucky I am to have the amazing friends I have, even if some live entirely too far away.

little paws

Everyone, meet the new(ish) pup. Pup, meet... everyone.

only a test

Dipping my toes in the water. Just seeing if there's anyone still out there.

But I suppose it doesn't matter... I'll be telling more stories soon. Just testing out a different way to post.

Photo Friday #16

Colorado-Style Hitching Post

outside a favorite bar, Colorado
(Summer, 2009)

A real friend is one who walks in
when the rest of the world walks out.

Walter Winchell

too quiet

Everything's too quiet. No matter how long I stay away, when I come home the silence is deafening.

There's no face in the window waiting for me. There's no wagging tail to greet me. There's no tiggering for treats. No impatient pacing waiting for our walk.

Last week I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I had to say goodbye to my best friend.

No matter how much I try to remember the years of wonderful moments I was lucky enough to share with her, the hole in my heart is too vast. It swallows me whole. My heart is broken.

I miss you, TheDog, the best dog ever. I miss you so very very much.

a furry miracle

The second she realized where we were she started shaking. She hates the place, and I don't blame her. Not that they're not nice to her there. Not at all. But she has been cut open a few times by them.

The last time they took her back into the back room, I had to leave her there, for days. The last time, they didn't think she would make it. The last time they sent her home with me and told me to just try and make her comfortable, that it might not be too long. The last time was after the last ultrasound, six months ago.

This time, the last place she wanted to go was back to the back room. It was for another ultrasound. It took a while, and I nervously did some work to distract myself, so I wouldn't really think about it.

When they called me into the room again so the vet could talk to me, I got a knot in my stomach. No, it couldn't be.

But when I saw both the oncologist and the surgeon come into the room with big smiles on their faces, I knew I didn't need to worry.

They said they could no longer even detect the mass on the ultrasound. The low-dose chemo was working. And the next day, her blood work came back looking good.

TheDog is doing great. And although I was hesitant to make plans for a birthday party for the old girl, my sister talked me into it. And now there's no way we're not helping her celebrate turning 15 in a bit over a month. What is that, 105 in dog years?

Thank you, everyone, for all your prayers and well wishes over the last six months for TheDog. Apparently miracles do happen.

fading friends

I was reminded this weekend that some friends won't be forever friends. That some friends are friends for a certain period of your life and then the friendship fades.

Some friends I have been very close with on and off since college got together this weekend. And sitting at dinner, listening to some of them tell their stories, commandeering the conversation as if they were the only important ones, I realized that these friendships had started to fade.

Sure, I will always be "friends" with them. But they have become too self-absorbed to even ask about anyone else.

Things are a little rough for a couple of us right now. But not once did the self-absorbed ones ask about us.

It all became clear. They have become just good-time friends. The kind who will usually join you for a beer, but can't be counted on for real conversation.

At least I'm learning.

photo Friday #15

Snowy Days

Colorado
(January, 2009)

If you would not be forgotten,
as soon as you are dead and rotten,
either write things worth reading,
or do things worth the writing.

Benjamin Franklin

what I did on my "vacation"

Yes, for those of you who stopped by since I fell off the planet, I'm still here. Alive. Good. All that.

Just busy. With work and other work. Friends and family. And of course there was a trip ot two.

Besides all that, my issues are still inconsequential compared to others. I've been the sounding board. To many. Some friends who were at one time too busy to talk to me about the craziness they now find themselves in.

But I'm here. Always. With real friends, that's just the way it is.

I would never question one on why she didn't talk to me about it while she was in the midst of it, only when it was over. That's just her way. And I know that. She has other things she's dealing with also. And when she needs a shoulder or ear, she knows she has mine. Always.

And although I want to shake another friend and ask what the heck he thinks he's doing. I'm trying not to get too involved. It's not my place.

Maybe a drama-magnet friend was right, maybe there has been too much drama lately.

unsure

I've kept things to myself. Not shared. Every time I try to explain why I am feeling the way I do my friends or sister say I'm being too quick to judge.

But there's a gut feeling. The same kind that I can't explain to him about why I think the way I do about certain issues.

I don't know if I need to be more tolerant or if my trepidation is founded. And recently I haven't been in the mood to figure it out. I'm exhausted by the mere thought of figuring it out.

I need someone to talk with about it all. But everyone is too busy. My little issues are completely inconsequential in comparison to others' right now.

I'll figure it out eventually. Maybe. Hopefully.