tangled webs

although not big on going to bars alone, she walked up to the door. the only reason she was there at all was because he asked her if she was going to be. she was nervous.

she was curious why she felt the butterflies. were they because she didn't like to play the part of the barfly or because he would be there.

he was in the doorway as she walked in. he gave her a big hug. then said he'd be right back. he'd forgotten something in his car.

unsure where to go while she waited to talk to him, she tried to look nonchalant as she headed to the bar to order a drink. she'd been out with friends earlier, and decided sticking with beer was her best bet, despite the urge to order a shot. she told herself that it was just nerves. but why?

the last time she'd seen him was even more brief than the time before. they'd barely said hello to each other. he'd promised he'd find her tonight so they could talk.

with beer in hand, she surveyed the room. another one of his friends walked up to her. she was so happy to see another familiar face. now she didn't have to play the part of the barfly.

she sat at a table with his friend. they laughed and joked and eventually he joined them. he told the tale of jealousy of an ex and a girl she suspected him of dating. they were both there that night.

it was strange, really. the timing of the tale. as if he knew what she wanted to tell him last time they really talked. as if he wanted to let her know he didn't feel the same.

was that it? or, as his friend later suggested, was he trying to make her jealous? perhaps. but there was another question she really needed to figure out the answer to. was she just trying to make him jealous when she left the bar with his friend?

take me out

what better way to toast to summer than over a beer and hotdog (or doughy, pretzely thing) at a ballgame?

I had to work late, so I met my friends at the game.

it rained a little, but that just made for the perfect summer evening. and left a beautiful canvas for the setting sun to paint.

the game went into extra innings. meaning more time with my friends. one is moving across an ocean soon, so I didn't mind, despite the mountain of work awaiting me.

it was a sad ending to the evening. not only did the home team lose. but I said goodbye to a friend. I can't take many more goodbyes. although I still have a few too many to endure in the coming weeks.

crazy days of summer, already?

can anyone tell me where spring went? and how did it get to be summer already?

I've been ridiculously busy. not that that is news. my sister's news turned out not to be of the good variety. it's sad for her, she's doing alright. thanks for all of your concern.

I actually think the timing of this particular news turned out to be better than she believes. but I can't say that to her. I just have to be supportive and hope things work out well for her with this.

as for me? I've been researching more. and have entertaining stories to tell. but as you all know, I never tell until they're good. or over. or so vague no one knows what I'm talking about. one of the three, at least, will be coming soon.

but between working and playing I have had no time for writing. unless work calms down some, that's not changing anytime very soon.

I'm off to California on Friday for yet another wedding. that is, if I can make it to Friday with all this working and playing.

when good news isn't

my sister called me this morning. she had news. it may be good, but it may not be. she won't know for certain until Friday.

I want to be happy for her, if it turns out to be the good news. but the good news scares me more than the bad.

I could mask my lack of enthusiasm with her on the phone. I could play it off as concern that it would not turn out to be the good news she is hoping for.

but what do I say if it turns out to be the good news? how do I look my baby sister in the eyes and tell her I'm happy for her when I'm really terribly scared for her?

dirty, hungry and thirsty

it's not funny. but at the same time, it's been hilarious.

I've been so ridiculously busy lately, that I haven't done laundry, grocery shopped, or watered my lawn in far too long.

I also need to get to the pool. get on my bike. go for a "run." if not, I may have to bail on the race.

so what exactly have I been doing lately? I've been staying out far too late drinking, spending perhaps a little too much time relaxing with friends, and spending way too much time sitting at my desk at work. and slowly, I'm going insane.

all I want is a normal routine. to not skip class to do work. to not waste time meeting a guy that turns out to be an ass. to sleep more than 5 hours. to take TheDog out for a walk. to not have to say goodbye to another friend. to have a carton of milk in my fridge.

but for now, it's all just a dream.

steamy revelations

it's been the same old thing for weeks, months, even longer.

I lost it a while ago. and since then I've been going through the motions. trying to feel the same way again.

every morning, getting up, going through the routine. I still tasted it, breathed it in. it used to make me smile. lately the smile hasn't followed.

this morning I inhaled. breathing it in. feeling it. tasting it. something was different.

with the first sip, came the smile. have I found it again? is the taste back? does that mean the rest will follow?

wine whine

when did I get so dumb? I can't figure these things out anymore. (maybe it was just too many glasses of wine with dinner tonight. maybe that just led to the incoherence that follows.)

anyway, I used to know when I was going after the wrong thing. when life didn't make sense, I would change what needed changing.

life doesn't make sense. and this time it's not just one thing. I can't pinpoint what needs changing first. my job. my friends. the guy situation. my attitude. my expectations. my hopes.

I'm usually happy. or mostly so. lately I can't shake the funk. and I find myself doing ridiculous things for ridiculous reasons.

I blew off my friends for a boy. then I blew off that boy to go home early.

what makes it worse is I had previously decided that boy isn't worth it. but lately I've begun to question that. sometimes his interest seems sincere and sometimes not at all. I don't think I'm who he's looking for. and he may not be that for me.

but he makes me laugh. and talking to him is the only thing that consistently makes me happy lately. I even use our conversations to psyche myself up to talk to the others.

and, as for the others, the one I kind of liked disappeared. as did another. and the one whose interest remains is losing mine. although as J said, there are always more.

but I'm tired. exhausted, really. I just want to sleep. not have to get up to work or even rollerblade.

I don't want to wake up to find all my friends are really gone. I don't want to wake up to find that all of the possibilities really aren't.

star-crossed

their eyes met across the room. he smiled his disarming smile. she smiled back.

he joined them for a while. their playful banter met with a raised eyebrow from her friend. she'd insisted they were only friends now. she insisted to her friends. to herself.

but she was begining to question if maybe there was more. and that uncertainty was now apparent to her friend.

her friend had to leave, and she was exhausted. so they finished their drinks and made their way toward the door. as they were leaving he teased her about her inability to stay out late.

she wanted to tell him the only reason she was even there at all was him. she wanted to tell him that she maybe did want more than just his friendship.

but she held back. she couldn't put it all out there again. she was too afraid of not even being his friend if she did. she was too afraid that she'd completely misread the look in his eyes. misread everything, again.

how could she ever tell him that she'd been comparing every guy she met to him. whether they could make her laugh. whether they understood her slightly odd sense of humor. whether their conversations left her wanting to know more. know everything.

she couldn't. not now. she was beginning to think that maybe he was right when he called them star-crossed.

hey jealousy

you know it might not be that bad, you were the best I ever had...
all I really want is to be with you, feeling like I matter too.

that song reminds me of college. and a boyfriend after college. and now, how he now lives in the town I went to collge in.

he was the best boyfriend I ever had. everything was real when we were together. it was comfortable and easy when we first met. and the chemistry was amazing.

we may have played little games along the way, but not the big ones. he knew how I felt I knew how he did. in the end the timing turned out to be really bad. for both of us.

do we get a second chance at it? not we, as in he and me. we, as in all of us. will it, can it, ever just all fit again?