in the river

relaxing in a camping chair in the middle of the river, cold beer in hand, I was reminded of college.*

the summer I didn't come home, we used to go tubing constantly. it was the only way to be outdoors and stay cool. and this Colorado girl couldn't stand staying in the air-conditioning.

we'd leave early-ish, hit the beer barn and sit on the river for hours. the road trip up was almost as much fun as the tubing. I had summer mix tapes we'd blare as we sped down the highway with the top down. we always stopped for bbq on our way home. sitting in an intertube all day drinking beer apparently works up an appetite.

my reminiscing was interrupted by his asking why I was grinning. I simply said the river reminded me of tubing in college. how can you describe a memory. a feeling. that you're jealous that you're sitting in the river with all of his friends, and yours are miles away?

he didn't press. maybe he could see the hint of sadness in my eyes. maybe he could see I didn't want to elaborate. he took my hand and smiled at me.

I smiled back. despite my moment of sad nostalgia, I was having a great weekend. amazing music, camping, river-sitting, and good friends. even if they weren't my own.

I did send my college friends an e-mail when I got home, wondering if anyone was up for a mini-reunion, with tubing included, of course.


* yes, as white-trash as river-sitting may sound, it did, indeed remind me of my years of higher education.

a girl's got to eat

when I got home too late from work tonight, I opened my fridge to see what I had for dinner. the entire contents? salsa, beer, tonic, limes and margarita mix. (yes, apparently I'm all ready for a party, as long as the guests only require beverages.)

so I figured the freezer might have something. ice packs, ice in a bucket, chicken breasts, coffee beans, and my sort-of-short-term-roommate's frozen dinners.

the pantry had a few items, plenty of dog food and bones, several varieties of crackers, pasta (no sauce), but nothing easily fixed for dinner. (although there is, of course, plenty of vodka and tequila to go with the contents of the fridge and all that ice.)

after considering whether or not I'd get to the store before the s-o-s-t roommate returns and the amount of time it would take to thaw and cook the chicken, I decided on crackers and salsa (I know, very nutritious).

during my gourmet meal, I realized that when I work too much, I let things slide. I forget to open my mail. I space watering my lawn. and, well, obviously the grocery thing.

it's not all laziness or forgetfulness. there's also the not being home much, and eating out too much lately.

besides there aren't many consequences. maybe a bill paid late here or grass shriveling up there. and, of course, having to eat crackers for dinner.

but along with setting limitations for myself (and those I work for) to make sure I have time to keep appointments and swim occasionally at lunch, I shall add to my list of unwavering demands that I have enough time to go grocery shopping. well, at least once a month.

two months

how can it seem like a long time, and yet seem like no time at all, all at the same time?

it's when the questions start creeping in. is there something real there? are you just wasting his time? is he just wasting yours?

it's when you start testing each other. can you be together when there's nothing to do? when there's too much to do? and, of course, the biggest test of all? do the dogs get along?

it's when there are no definitions. you know each other, but you don't. you meet each other's friends, but not family. and you have no idea what he refers to you as to any of them.

you imagine hanging out in the future, but know there's things you dream of doing that he wouldn't. things he may dream of that you wouldn't. but it's probably too early to have the "future" talk?

some of those silly little things start to bother you. but the idea of not having him in your life may bother you more.

you start to question. you start to take for granted. you start to hope for. little things. big things. everything.

should you pay attention to the signs, the nagging feelings, the adorable guy that smiled at you as you were getting coffee?

do you listen to your friends that say he's great, real, sincere, and all the things you wished for in the last one? who tell you not to screw this one up?

or do you listen to your mom who says not to settle for be content with being only mostly content? who says there's not the perfect man out there, but there is the perfect man for you? who says that only two important things are the friendship and the spark?

the importance of family

my mom called me a couple of weeks ago to ask me what I was doing this past weekend. specifically Saturday night. I told her I had tickets to a show, then asked why.

she was heading to their condo, to deal with some HOA stuff, wanted company. my dad couldn't go with her. I said I was sorry, if something changed I'd let her know.

I could tell just by the disappointment in just her voice that she didn't just want company, she almost needed it. she really didn't want to go to the meeting alone.

I'd been to the only one to represent them at an HOA meeting. and despite her being strong and independent, I know one of her strengths is not necessarily meeting with new people, particularly in this type of situation*.

so when my friend asked me if I was still joining them for the show last week, I said yes, unless she might have someone she'd rather take. that although I'd love to see her, I would happily bow out. I had suspected there might be someone she wanted to take instead. I was right.

so I called my mom and let her know I'd join her. she seemed very relieved to have backup at the meeting. and company for part of the weekend.

we had a great short stay in the mountains despite the too-long meeting. we had dinner with my brother, sister-in-law, and nieces. walked the pups for coffee and bagels. and even babysat the nieces so my brother and his wife could actually go mountain biking together.

despite the extra hours it took me to get home afterward because of a truck fire on the side of the highway, I enjoyed my short visit with my mom. I was happy to be able to ease her discomfort in attending the meeting. I enjoyed seeing my brother and sister-in-law. and I always love playing with my nieces.

* I'd go into more specifics here, but can't as of yet.

one is silver and the other gold

an old friend was in town this week. and between work and other obligations, the only night we could hang out was tonight.

Thursday summer nights are usually spent watching films under the stars with the girls. but we made an exception and headed downtown instead.

we had a few free beverages in the hospitality suite at his hotel, then headed out to see a free concert in the middle of the street. (I love summer here, outdoor entertainment at every turn.)

then we decided the vodka needed company in our stomachs, and went for tapas. over serrano ham wrapped dates and salmon wrapped asparagus with blue cheese sauce, we reminisced.

he's like another brother to me. but a brother I can really talk to more like a best friend. it had been a few months since he was in town. and I realized I missed our talks.

it's guys like him, and my other amazing guy friends, that have set my standards so high. and make me treasure my old friends.


make new friends, but keep the old...

thank you, sir, may I have another?

I sat up, wide awake. the clock read 4:08am. 22 more minutes.

I tried to get comfortable again, but the butterflies were already there. I started stretching, well, at least those stretches I could manage while my head was still on the pillow.

the beeps finally started. I reluctantly got up and started gathering my gear. put on my shorts and top. then I headed downstairs to feed TheDog and myself.

there was a faint knock at the door. he was early. I finished checking my tires, re-inflating them a little, before he took my bike to the car. I grabbed the rest of my gear and we headed out.

we walked in from the car, then he wished me luck as I went to set everything up, and he went to find his friend.

I got my gear set up in the transition area and looked for M. she was nowhere to be found, so I got ready and headed to the start.

he was standing there on the beach as I walked to the start. he wished me luck again. it was strange to have someone there cheering just for me.

by the time our wave got into the water, it was already hot, making the chilly reservoir water feel great.

I had been worried for weeks that I hadn't trained enough. truth was, I hadn't, but with that first stroke I knew I was stubborn enough to finish.

the swim felt slow. and A & M were not about to start their wave, cheering me on when I got out. so, it was with a little less enthusiasm than last year that I made my way up the boat ramp.

I got my bike, helmet and shoes, and headed out on the bike course. not too long after, I started lamenting my (not) training. particularly on those hills. but the air blowing past the faster I went felt good. and I knew I could do it. I knew the course.

besides, there were a couple of guys cheering me on as I reached the bike finish. one with a camera and one with a cow bell. wait, where did he get the cowbell??

by the time I got my bike racked, it was hot. really hot. I quickly changed shoes and started on the run course. there was the cowbell again, and since I couldn't run, I teased him about it as I walked past.

about five minutes into my "run," M passed me. I cheered her on. I was going at a decent walk pace. but the heat started wearing me down. I felt a little dizzy. thankfully I'd grabbed my water bottle as I headed out of the transition, as there was only one water station.

M ran back past me again on her way to the finish, we cheered each other on again, and I did my best to pick up my pace a little.

but the heat was ridiculous. after the turn around, I tried running a short stretch. but my hip and back protested too much. and since the path had been completely paved since last year, there wasn't even dirt on the course anywhere to soften the impact.

not too far from the finish line I heard a woman sobbing behind me. I turned around and asked if she was alright. she said she was fine. but she didn't think she could do it. I pointed out the finish to her. told her if I could make it, she definitely could. she was walking more quickly than I and eventually got a bit ahead of me.

as I came up near the finish, he was there cheering me on still. he walked a short way with me, then said he'd see me after the finish. at that point I knew I had to run through the finish again.

as I approached the finish I heard M and her husband cheering me on. then, about ten feet back, I came up on the woman from earlier. I patted her on the back and told her congratulations on finishing.

they announced my name and hers as we crossed the finish. I was so happy to be done, but mostly to not have to bake in the heat anymore.

after finding M and getting a quick picture, I jumped back in the reservoir to cool down. I didn't feel good, but it didn't feel like dehydration. we headed back to the car, and he generously offered to carry my bike across the field so I didn't get flat tires from the cacti.

when we got to the car, the outside temperature read 97 degrees. it would get up to 103 degrees that day. every time I walked outside the remainder of the day I felt instantly ill. I realized later I may have had heat exhaustion. I didn't feel better until later, once the sun finally went down.

as I climbed into bed that night, though, I felt good. sore, but good. I finished. and I couldn't wait to do my next one. maybe even another this year.

define: training

so, thanks to Stacers deductive reasoning skills, the cat's out of the bag. I'm (probably) doing a triathlon Sunday.

I say probably because I haven't been on my bike before my ride tonight in, oh, months. and my first bit of pool time in a long time was Monday. I know, I know, that is no way to "train" for a triathlon.

also, I say doing instead of competing, because with "training" like mine, there is no competing. I only hope to finish without causing a) permanent injury to myself or b) complete embarrassment to myself by coming in dead last.

now, I still can't run because of my back/hip, but I know the swimming isn't a problem, and besides one big hill on the bike course, I'm pretty certain I can make the ride. so, unless (knocking on wood) something happens before then, I'll be there.

besides, I'm too stubborn not to finish. and I'm racing again* in honor of my grandma, from whom I inherited my stubbornness.

the last two are the only reasons I'm still doing the race. oh, and because someone's planning to come watch me. and I can't wimp out when I'll have someone there to cheer me on... and grab a big greasy burger with after the race.


* of course, in reading my post-race post from last year, I realize I haven't done any of the things in my notes to self. so, note to self: next year, re-read race posts earlier.

everything just fades away

it had been a long time. far too long. it was time to jump back in. and it was the only thing I was certain would help relax my shoulder and neck muscles. they have been knotted with stress since last week.

I shouldn't have been away from work so long at lunch. but I had to. and it felt good. great actually. that first stroke. even the last.

such a feeling of peace. of mindfulness of the position of every limb. of forgetfullness of absolutely everything else.

the knots aren't completely gone, but I'm hopeful the therapist can work them out tomorrow. and for now I'm much more relaxed. and I know I can complete the first part in six short days.

the downhill slide to insanity

I had a dream Friday night when I finally got to sleep. I'd missed my flight. I don't know where I was going, but I realized my flight time too late. I felt deflated. defeated.

well, what I realized today was that I didn't miss any flights. but I do have concert tickets sitting on my dresser that were for Friday night. and in the craziness of my last few weeks, I completely spaced the date of the show.

I'm bummed I missed the show. and I'm even more annoyed that I was at work instead of enjoying good music. something's got to give. I can't miss any more "dates" because of work.

time of my life

I'm at work. it's Friday night. all my friends are out having fun. except J, who graciously offered to take time out of her Friday evening plans to feed TheDog and DogFriend for me.

and right now the only thing keeping me from running screaming out of the building is it's dark, really dark, and raining, well, actually pouring.

I know. no one likes to read about work. but right now, that's all there is. it's all I know. and I'm biding my time until I get comments back on my (hopefully final) draft, so I can finalize my report and go home. and sleep. yes, sleep. my life is so very exciting.

what could possibly be worse than still sitting at my desk 14 hours after I first sat here this morning? that I did nearly the same thing yesterday? yes, that, and that fact that I was supposed to be on vacation this week.

yes, I had delusions of enjoying a relaxing four day weekend in the mountains after leisurely celebrating the 4th with the family and my grandma's birthday with her the next day. that was to follow two days of holiday time at work. but, of course, I worked then, too.

so, despite my workaholic tendencies, this situation is unacceptable, even to me. I have meetings scheduled with both my bosses in the next two weeks. one being my review. and don't think for one minute I won't bring up my diligence and going-above-and-beyond-ness this week. repeatedly.

and if something doesn't change. I may be running out the door soon, anyway. in a different mannner of speaking.

fireworks

Happy 4th of July!!

***********

and Happy Birthday to a dear (ii) friend.

and Happy (early) Birthday, Gran!