sitting, waiting, wishing

I'm sitting in the airport. on free access. except there's a no business caveat. I can't even check my work e-mail. guess that makes me enjoy my trip more. without the ability to check the messages in my inbox.

visiting with my grandma was relaxing. my mom was here on her spring break, so I stopped in on my way to San Diego. there's not much to do without leaving my grandma behind. so we did a bit of reading and chatting. it was great to catch up.

although I'm happy that I should be by the ocean soon. to meet up with friends and celebrate yet another getting hitched. more activity to keep me busy.

sitting around. doing nothing. I tend to think. about all the things I should be doing. about all the things I wish I were doing. about the people I wish I could talk to.

that sounds ungrateful. I'm not. I thouroughly enjoyed the time spent this week with my grandma. I love her. she's amazing, as I've said before. I just wish she could still do some of the things she used to do.

but I am very grateful to still have her around. and I very much look forward to driving her back home soon.

I suppose if she could still do all the things she used to, I wouldn't get the chance to drive with her. the chance to know her as well as I do. and for that I am more than grateful.

in the desert

the smell of citrus. the sun. the cacti. the palm trees. all remind me of the decades visiting my grandma. so happy to still have the chance.

playing in the snow

the sun was shining as we pulled up. as I opened the car door she ran out. excited can't even describe her reaction. it had been nearly a year since she'd been here to play.

this time her cousins were here to play annoy her. but she's a good sport she doesn't mind a little cousin time as long as she gets to play in the snow.

she seemed a little sad when she was left to puppysit while the people enjoyed our own snow play. but she understands that sliding down a snow covered hill can be fun. even if she doesn't understand the need for boards.

it had been years since we had all skied together. it was a fantastic day. beautiful blue skies. spring skiing. family. and laughter. capped off by dinner with the nieces. but sadly, just the human ones.

although the puppies got back at us for leaving them for too long. they decided my ski sock torn to shreds would show us. but even a little sock casualty couldn't make a dent in the fantastic day of skiing with brothers and sisters, both real and in-law.

now, they've all gone home. and it's just TheDog and I for tomorrow. a nice break from reality. hopefullly, she'll enjoy the rest from the puppies while I make a few turns.

not the same

he was one of my best friends. there was more there but our timing was always off. and he was less able to figure out women than I was to figure out guys.

over the decade or so that we've been friends, our friendship has changed in various ways. but there was always that certainty that I could count on him whenever I needed a friend and he could count on me.

we were competitive with each other like siblings often are. but more respectful of each other than if we were. he was my knight in shining armor when I got dumped particlarly cruelly. I was the friend he called when he needed to talk about things.

he started dating an amazing girl last year. she's great. but our friendship changed permanently when they met.

today I got their save the date card. I'm so happy for him. but, and this sounds extremely childish and selfish, I'm also a little sad.

I know, I know, I'm not losing a friend, I'm gaining another. but it's not the same.

not only that, how did he figure it all out before me? (okay, so maybe that's the competitive thing coming out again.)

but I am happy for them. and despite my slight twinge of sadness, I wish them a fantastic life together. now if I can just figure out how to make it to their wedding.

gone, give a damn

perhaps I was a bit too arrogant. perhaps I had assumed too much. or believed too much.

I didn't believe it when he said it. I didn't believe it when my friends said they thought it could be true. but I'd thought about it. and why not? so I let the possibility creep in.

then I saw him. he was standing there with his arm around a girl. he tried to avoid me, but it wasn't so easy. I walked right up and said hello. and hurried on my way.

I felt numb. and I didn't really know why.

I was happy for him. and sad at the same time. he got me, like no one else ever had. it was easy. and fun. and uncomplicated. and we could talk about anything.

now it was gone. we had nothing. I couldn't call him now. what would she think. he wouldn't be calling me now. he had someone to talk to.

I guess we never really do know what we had until it's gone.

completely off base

I was way off about the doctor. not only was he an ass, but apparently he was a married ass. my friend got this little scoop when she was hanging out with a friend of his later.

so, why is it the married and soon-to-be-so guys decide they need to kiss me? is it my stupidity of not asking the right question? although to my credit, this last one didn't really give me the chance.

with all of the weekend's twisted tales, I was beginning to think I should stay away from guys for a while. then a wrench was thrown into the plan.

the hanging out due to the bet turned out to be great. he said he wanted to hang out again. it's looking like a good possibility. but these days, I know not to count on anything.

three strange days

if nothing else, at least life is entertaining.

in three strange days, I went on two dates. met a doctor* who thought he needed to check my tonsils within minutes of meeting me. got a call from bike boy. had a boy tell me he loved me. ran into an old friend. and set into motion the first date resulting from the bet.

the two dates were with a fantastic guy. one I'm really beginning to like. alot. the first was great. the second, not so much. he said he was preoccupied. and apologized. but I got the feeling he'd changed his mind about me in a day. he's gone for a while. so, I guess time will tell.

and the doctor was adorable, but turned out his looks were only eclipsed by how much of an ass he was.

then there was the three-word conversation. it had been a year since I'd met 24. he'd been excited to hang out with me over the weekend. when I saw him, he was beyond inebriation. and he told me he loved me. repeatedly. even after I ensured him that he didn't.

of course he doesn't remember this conversation. at all. but a few friends have insisted guys don't say these things unless they mean them. that alcohol can be like a truth serum. I still don't buy it.

and since it was already a bizarre few days, I caved and finally talked to a guy I met from the bet. he was funny. and seemed nice. and we're going to hang out this week.

although it was snow falling from the sky all weekend, I think it was actually pouring.


* doctor was what his friends and he said he was. I highly doubt that was true.

the dance

there are steps. an order. a dance.

the beginning is always uncertain. what song will come on? it may be only a short-lived, fun-filled tango. it may turn into a long, slow waltz. one may want to tango. while one may want to waltz. you never know at the start.

if you mis-step you might step on toes. it you hold on too tightly or pull back too far, you might lose your dance partner completely.

but at least you got asked to dance. or did the asking. does who does the asking change the dance? can someone who's always had two left feet learn the steps? or will the lights come up, before the song is even over?

the boyfriend

she thought she was being funny. she thought she was being nice. and she was. but the timing was terrible.

both my sister and my mom found it hilarious when they showed up at my house tonight with my new boyfriend.

"he" was my (belated) Valentine's present from my sister. he is of the "just add water" variety.

most any day I would have laughed along with them. but after spending the weekend defending my solo status, I was not all that amused. I had hurried home from our annual company ski weekend to meet my mom and sister for dinner and The Boyfriend*.

for the last 48 hours I had been hanging out with coworkers I see all too often and their fabulous significant others and kids. many harrassing me for not having an SO, for not inviting a guy I've seen once to come up.

in the past the weekend has been fun. hanging out, drinking and playing games with coworkers that seem like extended family. we used to head to the bars. we used to break into the hot tub after hours.

this year was different. the number of kids has nearly outnumbered adults. and the parents aren't as excited to sneak away to do shots at the bar as they have been in the past. even the young ones in the office were mellow this time.

the sweet victory of the women engineers over all of our bosses and coworkers in the annual game of Cranium couldn't even make a dent in the dullness of the weekend.

perhaps it's because we've all been working too hard. perhaps we're just getting old. perhaps it's because the snow is already pathetic. but the weekend wasn't as fun as it always has been.

maybe it was entirely my perception, since the harrassment for flying solo was directed only at me this year. and it didn't cease.

regardless of the reason, my sister's present tonight didn't help. my usual feeling of being fine with where I am in life has yet to return.

it will. and soon. but tonight I am not amused.

* old musical that is currently playing Denver, directed by Julie Andrews. cute, but not great.