Colorado girl

as I stood at the top of the mountain drinking in the snow-capped peaks, I grinned. a Cheshire Cat grin. my friend's boyfriend told me I should take a few runs, he would stay with her. I told him as long as there are boards on my feet and snow beneath those boards, I'm happy.

besides, who could not be happy on a day like that. beautiful spring-like weather in February. brilliant blue skies. soft snow. five fabulous days of nothing but skiing and relaxing in the company of great friends.

my friend and her boyfriend have flown in every year for the past three for our annual ski trip. the first year, she was hesitant. she'd never skied before. I insisted I'd teach her, and she'd love it.

starting with spring breaks in college, I've been importing my friends for ski trips nearly every year. many of my best friends from school have come out to ski with me. some to take "lessons". I've taught two of my college roommates, and various other friends. all have loved it.

I feel lucky to be able to share my favorite winter activity with my friends. thinking back over the years, I truly am amazed that I've been able to talk nearly every one of my best friends from school into making turns with me. even more amazing given many had never skied before. some had never even seen "real" mountains.

my friend T moved to Denver with her husband and learned to ski the same trip as our friend who flew out this past weekend. she told me a while back that after moving here, she finally gets me. between my ski habit and my love of summer outdoor concerts, she understands my need to be outside. my need to bask in the sunshine under blue skies. why I belong in Colorado.

I swam across, I jumped across for you

a fantastic weekend. a birthday celebration, a bit of pampering and two great shows. although completely different.

new friends. friends I've known nearly half my life. and family. all incredible. even guys that (I thought) had potential.

reminiscing over the good old days. telling tales of exciting recent adventures and events.

pool playing. talking into the wee hours of the morning. flirtatious exchanges that meant more and less than they appeared to.

back to the dull everyday in the morning. but only for a few days until college days invade again.

hug them tight

when we were in college, my friend M's family used to come to visit a bit, since they lived close and she was the oldest of three daughters.

when they came to town, they always made me feel as if I were their daughter, too. they were supportive and caring and wonderful.

a few years into our friendship, M and I sat in the couches at the local bar one night talking about our dads. how much we both loved them. how much they had shaped our lives. both in good and not-so-good ways.

the similarities were striking. they both worked too much, drank too much and smoked too much at one time. they didn't always make time for their kids. but they always did when it really mattered.

she and I had never talked of these things with our other friends. it was too hard. but that one night we talked to each other. and small mentions would be made later, but the topic was never discussed again.

when my dad got emphysema from smoking for too many years, M was the one who understood. similar circumstances had caused her dad to quit, also.

M was the one who understood how scared I was four years ago that I sat by my dad's hospital bed for two days until they figured out he was going to be ok.

she called to talk to me about her dad's health problems. but he'd been doing better towards the end of last year.

I got a call today. M's dad passed away last weekend. the call was from another friend, she said M wasn't ready to talk about it.

I wanted to hop a plane to give her a huge hug. I wanted to jump in my car and go see my dad.

life's too short. not fair. all of that. but it's also a reminder to show the people I love that I love them. tell them. hug them.

Valentine's Day disappointment

I was going to tell a funny story of why I don't like this day. this day where people show their affection to those they love.

it's not really because I've never had a great one. it's because of a somewhat silly event over twenty years ago. but I'm going to save that story for another time.

today I was supposed to get another round of trigger point injections in my back. it was going to be a great way to spend this day filled with hearts. I was going to the doc, then home to ice my back and drift into a pain pill induced slumber with TheDog at the foot of the bed.

after waiting at the doctor's office for 2 hours (don't get me started), she talked with me about the results of the last round of injections.

she's not happy with the results. only the muscle pain was diminished slightly. the underlying pain in the SI joint is still there. she decided against any more injections.

then she told me she didn't think there was any more that they could do for me. I should keep excercising those muscles, but not push it. I should still check back with her in a few months. and that I shouldn't get discouraged.

I'm sorry, what? you tell me you can't help me to feel any better, then tell me not to get discouraged?

I'm not much of a crier. but the tears streamed down my face on my drive home. I'm not willing to accept that this pain will always be present in my life. I can't believe she would give up.

as the tears diminished, I came up with a plan. I will call the doc I grew up going to. the one whose children my siblings and I helped put through college with all our torn ligaments and broken bones.

he'll know who I should talk to. what I should do. he's not one who gives up.

and I'll swim everyday, and double my strengthening excercises if that's what it will take.

so despite my disappointing doctor visit, today wasn't as bad as some of my previous V-days. between the Happy Valentine's Day from a cute guy, and my new found determination to prove the doc wrong, it actually turned out alright.

funny fate

she walked into her favorite coffee shop. she had too much work to do. the low murmer there helped her to concentrate. she set her laptop down and hung her coat on the back of the chair. she looked up, and he was there, waving at her.

he was on the phone, so she went about her business getting her caffeine dose for the evening. when he hung up, he walked over to say hi and gave her a quick, friendly hug.

he was there working, too. but she asked if he had a few minutes, if he would like to sit down. he did. the conversation came easily, comfortably. there in the place where they met.

they talked about work and friends and music. they both had things to get done. he went back to his computer, and she put her headphones on and concentrated on her work.

every once in a while she would glance up and he'd be glancing back. they'd exchange friendly grins. this was how it was supposed to be.

later in the evening, a woman joined him. she'd seen them there together before. been introduced to his friend. so as she was leaving, she stopped by their table to say goodbye. she was introduced, again, to the friend. but the feeling she may have interrupted something, made her cut the conversation short with the I need to get home excuse.

as she walked out into the chilly air she couldn't stiffle the laugh. it escaped as the doors swung closed. how funny, the curve balls life throws. she hadn't seen him there in months. he had another coffee shop he frequented, now. she grinned as she thought about how fate must have quite the sense of humor to continue throwing these coincidences at her.

as she drove home, though, she began to wonder, maybe fate wasn't trying to be funny. maybe she was just reminding them both the reason why they had been friends in the first place. because they had things in common and enjoyed each other's company.

she slept well that night. happy in the knowledge that despite the awkward run-ins, despite the strained conversations, their friendship would survive. it may take time, but perhaps fate was helping them along.

the road of life

it's funny. just when you least expect it, the road of life throws a mountain pass at you when you're expecting a straight shot through South Park. (no, not the cartoon, the actual place.)

I thought I had things figured out. I was having no luck without fulfilling the bet, so I signed up. I decided it was research. if nothing else, at least I'd have good stories to tell.

although not as significant as what happened with my friend when he signed up, I've found that it's the attitude that makes the difference. and mine has changed.

I know there are great guys out there. I may meet somebody great at a show. it may be a friend that starts to show interest in more. it may be a friend of a friend. or maybe someone who's really looking, too.

you never know what the pass holds for you until you start driving up. and you'll never know what lies on the other side until you get to the top. perhaps there will be a few hairpin turns in the near future.

swiss cheese

so I have been forgetting things lately. too many things. little things, such as whether or not I locked my car or what time I said I'd meet a friend out. and not-so-little things, like a meeting I completely spaced yesterday.

the little things I can deal with, although continuing to have to check my car twice to be sure it is locked could get old quickly. the bigger ones could be a problem. luckily the meeting was postponed. but they called to tell me that fact right about the time I should have been halfway there, yet I was still sitting at my desk. oops.

I'm going to try to be better at remembering things, before this swiss cheese memory of mine loses me a friend or gets me fired. there's just so much rattling around in my little brain these days that some of the information is bound to get lost. speaking of, anyone see where I put my car keys?

if I ignore it, will it go away?

this morning I woke up long before the sun decided to peek its head above the horizon. lying there before the alarm went off, I made a decision of sorts.

I'm not going to listen anymore. not to the nagging voices in the recesses of my mind telling me to take it easy. not to my doc telling me what I shouldn't do. not to my mother telling me to be careful.

I figure my back and hip hurt whether I push myself a little or not at all. I don't sleep much whether I'm careful not to lift heavy things, or have to carry TheDog down the stairs. I can't sit for more than ten minutes whether I was at the pottery studio or just took TheDog for a slow walk to the park the day before.

so, what's the difference?

the doctors still aren't sure what's wrong. so they're trying more injections. possibly four more rounds. but those hurt. they make the entire joint and surrounding area sore at first.

in keeping with my stubbornness, today over lunch I bought new shoes. nothing entices me to head to the gym more than a new pair of shoes screaming get me dirty! I also bought new goggles. I don't care if turning my head to the side to breathe hurts my back. and I don't care if riding makes my hip sore.

no pain, no gain, right? I'm tired of letting the pain keep me from what I love. since it doesn't appear to be getting any better by taking it easy. and as long as it doesn't get worse, what's the harm?

further research

so a friend of mine came up with a theory for my lack of a SO. the theory came about after a certain recent event.

he hypothesized that perhaps I am a bad kisser.

um, what?!?

you may be wondering how he could say such a thing. (no, he doesn't know, nor will he ever.) he's just such a close friend, he's like a brother. a teasing brother that likes to harrass me every chance he gets. that's the only reason that he can get away with such theories.

for the record, I completely disagree with his theory. for several reasons. mostly because I've never had any complaints. most of the guys I've kissed have come back for more. but is it the hope of more that brought them back? I don't know.

so, when I expressed my disbelief, he asked why I couldn't just call up an ex and ask if it could be a possibility.

well, because, I couldn't. although I like to think I'm friends with my exes, that's not completely true. my exes and I are civil to each other. but that's pretty much where it ends.

besides, no woman ever wants any guy to know she questions her powers.

last week, in random conversation, the theory was brought up. a great friend later assured me the theory is completely baseless. he should know. although none of our other friends know we ever kissed. I sometimes forget because of that. his judgement I trust. he has nothing to gain or lose by saying it.

and even though I knew it couldn't possibly be the case, I'm happy to hear that I'm not the only one that believes otherwise. although, that's still only two opinions. so, since my reprieve is over, and I have to make good on my bet, perhaps I will have to conduct further research to test the theory.

coffee dreams

she was relaxing, just enjoying the music with her friend. trying to take it easy, doctor's orders. one of the singers was a friend of theirs. he stopped by to talk between sets.

as they started their second set, she thought about how much she would rather be dancing with the music, drink in hand. vodka, of course. but the pain kept her seated, only standing to stretch on occasion. and the injections made drinking vodka unwise.

before she saw him, she heard him. his distinctive voice. projecting across the room to greet the band.

it wasn't the first time they'd run into each other since. she'd seen him only a week before. things had still been strained. her friends had bought her one too many drinks. and she had done the unthinkable. left him a not-sober message. asking if they could go back to being friends, since it was obvious he wanted nothing more.

he had actually responded to her message. insisting they were friends and that everything was great.

his insistence made her feel even stranger now. she turned around to talk to him. despite the butterflies rising within her. despite her lack of liquid courage.

he came over. hugging her friend before her. the nervousness present again. perhaps it was projected again. the conversation awkward. he seemed to bounce around the bar from friend to acquaintance, as if he were the ball in a pinball game.

her pain grew. she remembered she had advil just outside in the car. she returned to find him comfortably talking with her friend. the awkwardness only seeping back in when she joined the conversation.

he teased her about taking her "drugs." he knew about the car accident. he knew about her pain. he said he was sorry she couldn't drink. she knew he meant he was sorry about her pain, the injections, all of it. but he couldn't say it. not then. their exchanges forever altered from the lingering, easy-going conversations they used to have over a cup of coffee.

he seemed to be putting on a show. hoping for attention. flirting with anyone. feet from where she now stood swaying with the music, thanks to the drugs.

she wasn't sure if he was trying to make her jealous, or trying to show he really didn't care about her. perhaps neither. in any case she found it didn't bother her. not that her feelings for him were completely gone. just that her friendship with him was more important to her right now.

the cozy bar had emptied considerably. the band played a cover of her favorite song. she danced and sang along. completely lost in the music. she wasn't sure where he'd gone. not that she had been keeping track, of course.

as she and her friend were discussing leaving, he walked up to talk again. this time to her. she teased him. they laughed. she's not sure if she was imagining the change. but the conversation seemed easier. more like before.

when he left, he gave her another hug. a lingering embrace. one with feeling behind it. a feeling that seemed a bit more than just friendly to her. but she quickly put that thought out of her mind. he told her it was really great to see her. she replied with a heartfelt you, too.

that night she had another dream. not about waking up in his arms as she once had dreamt, but about sitting on a sunny patio, enjoying coffee and wonderful conversation with him. the dog napping in the patches of sunlight at their feet.