the last goodbye

I drove away one last time from her house. Well, her winter house. Said goodbye to the palm trees in the front yard as a few tears streamed down my face.

The house would remain in the family, but I would likely never visit again. It was the last time I'd drive out of her driveway. Like so many times before, when she was sitting in the passenger seat. On our road trips back home.

It had been over five years since she'd left us. But I still miss her terribly. I miss our road trips. I miss listening to the stories she would tell on our journeys about her childhood, about mine. I miss summers spent mowing her back yard, stealing a handful of raspberries as I did. I miss sitting on her back patio enjoying a grapefruit soda. I miss fresh squeezed grapefruit juice from her tree.

I just miss her. And I know my mom misses her even more. And when I think about it, it scares me that I'll miss my mom like this one day, too. And whenever my friends tease me about hanging out with her, traveling with her, or just talking to her often, I know I'll be very glad I took the time to create these memories with her.

do now

Nothing is worse than realizing you've fallen in love with someone who won't or who can't love you in return.

He's a jerk and completely inconsiderate sometimes. But most other times he's wonderful and caring. And I fell in love with the other times.

My heart is telling me to not give up on him. My head is insisting I do, and now. For the sake of my heart.

unexpected wisdom

If you simply listen, you can sometimes find the answers you need. Often in the places you least expect. Getting my daily dose of caffeine this morning had me overhear part of a conversation. The only part that mattered was the statement. "It's never selfish to express what you desire." I only know a little about the situation, from what I know, he was talking about not letting anyone keep you from letting them know what you want. As I embark on a little journey of improvement, these little tidbits of wisdom seem to be speaking to me louder than usual. And I'm going to do my best to listen. And maybe even repeat them.

rambling again

I'm dizzy. Could be the cold medicine, could be the things in my life spinning out of control around me while I feel as if I'm stuck standing still in the middle of it all, just watching it spin. I know, I keep coming back for a post or two and leaving. But I need a friend to talk to, and as it has been in the past this may be just the friend I need right now. One that doesn't really know any of the players in the drama. One that just listens, with a few bits of advice thrown in on occasion. I think part of why I stopped writing so often was that I finally found a very good friend who actually lived here, one I could talk to about anything. And I thought I didn't need to tell the page my thoughts. She is still one of my best friends, I just don't see her as much as I would like as she has moved far away. So, the page may get to hear more stories. But, then again, I know better than to promise anything. So, I ramble. Back to my point. My dizziness. It's been all consuming for a while. But has been present in some form for much longer. A year? More? I don't know. All I know is something has to give. I think I finally figure out what, and then I change my mind. Work? Friends? Guys? Family? House? All could use adjustments, but I'm contemplating big changes on several fronts, or they're being contemplated for me. But I can't decide if I should leap or not. Perhaps I need to tackle one at a time.

lucky giraffe kisses

So, my sister tells me giraffe kisses are lucky. As with many things she says, I don't quite believe her.

But after the giraffe licked the top of my head today, I decided I'll believe this time... I could use the luck. Otherwise I just have giraffe slobber on my head for no reason.

inconceivable

So, I picked a good time to start telling my tales again. I'd pretty much written off the last guy I dated. Realized he was never going to let me know what had happened. Never let me know why things ended.

About a month ago an absolute tragedy befell two of my good friends, and in my coming to grips with their loss, I tried to make sense of my own recent losses. One being a friendship that wasn't what I thought it was. And one being him. And since I still had no closure, I tried again to contact him, I called, sent an email. But of course no response, just like the half dozen other times I'd tried over the last few months.

But I needed to know he was alright. So I emailed the only friend of his that I really knew. And tonight his friend replied. Tonight his friend told me that the ex is indeed fine. Over his illness and back with a vengeance, I believe were his words.

And I'm left feeling devastated all over again. Back to feeling that I meant so little to him that he could just fade out of my life. Ignoring my requests to know how he was doing. Back to wondering how anyone can do that to someone they dated for nearly a year and a half.

I guess if nothing else, I've learned in the last month that people do inconceivable things to each other. It matters not if you're a stranger, friend, or girlfriend. People treat each other terribly in their own self-serving interests. I know, not all people, but far too many that I trusted lately.

so many stories... so little time...

A lot of things have happened since last I posted. A lot having to do with the last post. Unfortunately, I think some of you saw what I couldn't. What I didn't want to believe could happen. And perhaps I'll fill in the stories, but not now. It will have to be another time.

Tonight I just had to tell a short tale. A short tale of love. Standing on the slopes on Friday, my first ski day of the season, I fell in love again.

I have been working way too much. And despite my big hopes for a bright, fantastic new year, 2010 had begun horribly. Mix that with no snow and many deadlines, and I'd successfully cocooned myself in my office and hidden from the world.

But a friend convinced me a ski trip was in order, and I took the day off to start it off right.

And there staring off into the distance at the snow-covered peaks, snowy trees and untouched powder glistening in the sun under a blue bird sky, I fell in love, again. With my mountains and skiing. So appreciative of the state I live in and my true friends.

So, I'm making no promises, but I think I'm back. Months of sadness and misery tempered by time spent with a good friend, a few good days on the slopes, a few après ski afternoons, a few tasty dinners, and perhaps a few too many late night drinks and dancing.

It's time to start living and telling the good tales again. I'm ready for them.