new man in my life

I can't remember where I left off. I will get back to the trip stories, friend stories, and other tales at some point. Right now, I have a boy story.

He's adorable. He's got big, big deep blue eyes. For now, anyway. Cute little toes. Long, destined-to-play-piano-like-his-mom fingers.

And best of all, he likes me. He smiled at me a little bit the night I met him. That was the moment I was smitten.

When he was crying as his grandma held him, I offered to hold him. And he quieted right down. He likes his auntie.

And this auntie is very much looking forward to hanging out with the new man in the family, my nephew.

photo Friday #12

near Moab

Utah
(May, 2008)

Only those who will risk going too far
can possibly find out how far one can go.

T. S. Eliot

can't even imagine the right words

A few months ago they all thought it was gone. The doctors. The patient. Her family. A clean bill of health. But back it came. Quickly.

Try though she did, this time it was just too much for her. And she left behind an amazing family. One I was lucky enough to feel a part of, even being invited to Sunday family dinners.

I finally was able to clear the lump that has set up permanent residence in my throat long enough to call my friend. I didn't know what to say. Just knew I had to call.

We talked for a while. She was happy to hear from me. She told me I was one of the few people that understood the bond she had with her mom.

When I walked in the door of my house, my mom was there for our plans for the evening with my sister. She asked why I had tears in my eyes. I told her about my earlier conversation.

She teared up. Sadly she'd never met my friend's mom, although I know they would have been fast friends. I understand she's sad simply because of how much my friend's mom meant to her, and to me. But it seemed to be more than that.

Then I realized, she was about my age when it took her dad. That she knew all too well just how difficult a time my friend was having losing a parent at such an early age. Having to go through the ups and downs of treatment. Trying to explain what was happening to her young kids.

My friend said she was focusing on how lucky she is to have had such a wonderful mom that she lived close to and spent lots of time with. She's right, I do understand. And I feel extremely lucky and a little guilty to have gotten to go to dinner and a play with my mom and sis tonight.

And so I urge you, be thankful for all the family and friends you have in your lives. I know I am. And please keep my friend and her family in your thoughts and prayers.

words aren't working

I hurried back from my friend's wedding weekend festivities for Father's Day festivities with the family. It was wonderful. But the call I got from another friend's husband on the way home from my sister's was anything but.

I'm sad. For her, for her family. And a little mad in the why do things like this happen to wonderful people way.

I don't have the energy to think too much about it. Everytime I do, tears stream down my face and all I want to do is call my mom.

too much, not enough

I know. I still have to tell a tale or two about a river trip. The problem is, I haven't even had time to download pictures from my cameras. And what kind of trip tale would it be without the pictures?

What have I been busy with? Meeting new guys, hanging out with them. Maybe even a date or two. Spending lots of quality time with friends hiking, hanging out in the mountains, having a guy in a very short skirt serve us brunch. Going to fantastic shows. Trying to get ready for a triathlon. And working on other things.

The list goes on. And on. And I'm hoping I have time to tell the tales at some point. But for tonight. I have to put my disappointment away at yet another guy failing to call when he says he will and get some sleep. Lots of things to take care of in a short week.

photo Friday #11

Red Rocks

Morrison, Colorado
(June, 2008)

Take the first step in faith.
You don't have to see the whole
staircase, just take the first step.

Martin Luther King

no good at this

Do they have to make your heart skip a beat? Right away? Or is attraction or interest something that can grow as you get to know someone.

I've been fully consumed by the butterflies and weak knees only to have those feelings wane. I've been not-so-interested, only to become more interested. But the latter has never grown to the butterflies. Never become the person I can't wait to see, wait to talk to.

Maybe it's just me. I don't know. But I think there has to be a spark near the beginning, or it won't work. Not in the long term.

You can try to convince yourself that he might be a possibility. The perfectly nice guy that insists on taking you to dinner and concerts. Who opens the door for you. Who says sweet things about your smile. That is interesting to talk to. Who should be the right guy. That his niceness will create more.

But in my (limited) experience that has never been the case. Whether I give it a few dates to spark or over a year. (Yes, I know, save your breath.)

But this time I think it might be me. I am not feeling up to dating. Or constantly putting my best foot forward. To meet new guys, only to go on a date or two and for one of us to lose interest. I'm tired of trying. Does it have to be this hard?

no more punching bag

The plan was to skip out on work a tad early to exchange cars. Stopping by the car wash on the way, to remove the sand from the trip before returning the barge to my dad. The quick exchange turned into a marathon shopping, dinner, and coffee evening.

The perfect distraction from a day spent quibbling with my siblings about what to do for Father's Day, and whether I was a terrible daughter simply because I'm flying back only in time for dinner and not in time for other festivities if they ever get planned.

I bought a few workout wardrobe items I needed, and talked my mom into a few things as well. We both completely redecorated our houses without buying a thing. Well, unless you count my mom's new dish towels.

Just hanging out with my mom nearly made me forget the mean things my brother said to me when I mentioned how expensive it would be to change my flight to accommodate the possible change in plans. Despite the fact that I tried to get them to discuss plans weeks ago before I booked my flight.

Somewhere in the middle of the furniture section at C&B, while deciding which rugs might go best in which rooms, I realized it's not worth the fight. My brother will either realize he's being a jerk or he won't. I'm too exhausted to insist my dad is important to me to someone who very well knows that is the case. To someone who is simply taking his frustrations in other areas out on me.

I've decided to try to be the bigger person. I'll ignore his jabs. Excuse myself from the role of his punching bag.

don't know what to say

It seems self-indulgent. To tell stories of trips and boys and friends. When my friend is barely hanging on.

I could barely look at her today. She didn't want to look at me. We'd both start crying if we did. I don't know what to say. She doesn't want me to say anything.

She wants to keep her mind off of what's going on. I understand.

I reassured her of what she already knows. That I'm here for her. Always. Whenever.

I hope I have the strength to be the kind of friend she is to me.

in need of a miracle

I'm home. Safe. Despite swimming a rapid and nearly being washed out of camp a night or two. (Thanks for the concern, Jeremy.)

But tales will have to wait.

I can't seem to remember the fabulous about the trip, when a wonderful friend of mine told me some terrible news tonight.

Please keep my friend's mom in your thoughts and prayers. Her family's been through too much already. They need a miracle about now.

photo Friday #10

I'm off to float a couple of rivers. Have a great week everyone!

San Juan River

Utah
(May, 2007)

To be nobody but yourself -- in a world which is doing its best,
night and day, to make you like everybody else -- means to fight
the hardest battle which any human being can fight,
and never stop fighting.

e.e. cummings

disappointing reminders

The phone rang. My stomach flipped. A grin spread across my face.

It could have been either of them. They both said they would call. And I was looking forward to talking to both of them.

The butterflies subsided as I looked at the caller id. It was my friend calling to talk about the trip.

Our conversation was interesting and entertaining, as it always is. Reminding me that friendship is the most important thing. Reminding me that someday I want to find a guy that is as easy to talk to as he is.

Someday was not tonight. Neither called. Why do they say they will, then not follow through? Why not just say I'll talk to you later instead of I'll call you tonight?

overwhelmed

I'm not entirely sure how, but my only weekend at home not sick since March left me no time at all for actually being at home.

Between happy hours and BBQs, between cd release parties and trip planning beers, and of course Mother's Day festivities, my weekend slipped away. All of it was extremely fun. But it left me feeling overwhelmed.

Now I have to get ready for a garage sale and the trip in just a few evenings. Evenings also packed with plans. Dinners and shows and softball games. Tales to tell from each.

But just writing about it makes me feel exhausted.

happy Mother's Day

Sitting around the biggest table they had, with the family, being offered a Mother's Day rose, despite the fact that, as my brother quickly pointed out, I am not a mother.

As everyone was passing around and opening cards, I just sat there watching. Then my Dad handed me a card. From TheDog. It was sappy, and made me tear up a little.

I looked over at my mom to tell her thank you, and she smiled knowingly back.

The card I gave her said something about her making me who I am today. It is so true. She is an amazing woman, despite our differences of opinion on occassion. And I am a lucky, lucky daughter.

After brunch most of us spent the rest of the day at "Grandma and Grandpa's" playing with my nieces and the dogs.

The perfect way to spend Mother's Day, as far as my mom is concerned. I'd have to agree with her this time.

photo Friday #9

Reflection

near Frisco, Colorado
(September, 2007)

Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.

Confucius

happy for her

I finally got to see my sis. She finally felt better. Better enough to join my mom and I for dinner before the show.

Dinner was fantastic. The show was nothing to write (home) about. But the time with my mom and sister was wonderful.

We talked about Mother's Day, and Father's Day plans. Began planning for a baby shower.

My sister looks great. That glowing pregnant great. And happy. Really happy.

I'm so very happy that she's happy. That everything is alright with her and the little one.

a little information

A game with new and old friends. It was supposed to be partly about figuring out the trip. We got to talking and laughing and perhaps drinking a few too many beers. We forgot about the planning.

We leave in a little over a week. I'm trying to figure out a few things. But there doesn't seem to be a sense of urgency on his part. Maybe mine is because my friends keep asking what the deal is.

I don't like not knowing. I'm the information-sign-on-my-head girl. I know things.

Maybe I should just plan things, and let everyone know what I decided.

leaving depleted

We dragged ourselves out of bed the next morning and headed for coffee. Then, realizing checkout was much nearer than we thought, we quickly packed.

After saying goodbye to a couple of the girls until the wedding, we checked our bags with the hotel, and wandered up the strip in search of a little hair o' the dog. In the blazing desert sun.

By the time we found a patio with tables shaded by umbrellas, I could no longer fathom ingesting any sort of alcohol. S was in even worse shape than I was. Our old was most certainly acting up again.

While the other girls enjoyed their margaritas, S and I drank what the waiter called all the water in the desert.

Then as the bachelorette and her maid of honor tried their luck with the room credits, before catching their flight, the rest of us, with an even later flight, decided to relax (read: pass out) by the pool.

Waiting in the terminal for our flight, it was obvious that we had done Vegas right. We'd arrived full of hopes and expectations for a fun-filled weekend. We left depleted and on the wagon. Well, at least for a day or so.

herding cats

After a little early morning confusion over a surprise-for-the-bachelorette reservation, we grabbed coffee and a quick breakfast.

Then a few of us headed to the pool, and got settled in, ready to surprise the bride. To hear her tell it, she was wondering how you get so lucky as to lounge in the poolside pavilions as they walked up, and was pleasantly surprised to find we'd arranged just that for her day of celebration.

Our waitress was very attentive to our sangria and margarita needs, as we got down to the business of a little lingerie shower. You might think that seven girls on a large bed surrounded by columns, oohing and ahhing over lingerie, might draw a little attention. But apparently not so much in Vegas.

We played a little Texas Hold 'em amongst ourselves, betting drinks for later that night. Telling tales from college, and laughing at all the silly things we used to do. And still do.

After a very long day in the sun, some of the girls left to shop, and some of us napped in preparation for our big night out.

Dressed in our Vegas finest, we headed to the opposite end of the Strip for dinner, dancing, and whatever else the night might have in store. Those of us not allergic to feathers were adorned in boas, all were ready for a few flirtations and a little fun.

It wasn't until the gorgeous bartender made our espresso martinis that we started to have hope that the tales of the trip might include a cute guy. We had been a bit disappointed by the "scenery" thus far.

Then, while walking through the casino in search of a specific type of table that I'm not sure I ever quite caught the name of, we were stopped by guys there for a bachelor party. As we chatted, one in particular seemed to be insistent that I needed another drink.

We were talking with another of my friends, and he insisted he buy us both drinks, not wanting to be rude, we obliged. And while walking to the bar, two more of our group joined, and the poor guy ended up buying a round for me and half our bachelorette party, saving me from paying up on my earlier poker drink debt.

He seemed nice, and continued buying not only me, but my friends drinks. So, we continued to hang around with all of them.

We danced. We talked. At one point he kissed me on the dance floor.

Despite his friends insistence that we should continue hanging out, I wish I could tell you the outcome was better than my last Vegas trip. Well, he was also not-so-single. (Why am I a magnet for unavailable guys?)

Eventually some of the girls wanted to go home. S insisted she wanted to stay out and dance. (Most funny if you know she really doesn't like to dance.) I was having fun, so I said I'd stay, too. As did our other, more inebriated friend.

So, given the single girls, and it bears mentioning, the three least-sober, were planning on staying, the bride-to-be stayed to make sure we all got back eventually.

It's not as terrible as it seems, she is the most late-night person I know, and was entertained by our not-sober shenanigans. (Or at least I rationalized that at the time. Later she told me she felt as if she was herding cats.)

We stayed for a while. Wandering through the casino. Talking to inappropriate guys. At least I knew to turn down yet another drink.

Eventually, we grabbed a cab. And as S and I weaved back and forth down the hall to our room just shy of 6am, I knew it was the beginnings of a rough day.

old acting up

Once we arrived at the hotel, we grabbed a Bloody Mary and a little breakfast. Then waited for our room to be ready while resting poolside enjoying a fruity cocktail or two.

After checking in, and waiting for far too long for our bags to be delivered up to our rooms, we went in search of a little snack of wine and cheese.

Giggling during stories of toys and QVC-like ways to sell them, watched like a train-wreck during the ski weekends many of us had recently shared.

At one point we were a bit horrified by what the waiter overheard. Until we realized he has probably heard worse, much worse. After all, he is a waiter in Vegas.

We returned to our rooms and some of us primped, while some of us napped (me).

Then headed out to a club for the night, completely suspicious of the VIP cards the guy handed us at the pool. Expecting to have to wait in a very long line, we weren't too worried about finding our friend whose flight had been delayed considerably.

A minute later we were about to head into the club free of charge with our passes, a bit surprised that our VIP was actually working. I excused myself from line to wait for our friend.

Once she arrived, we headed inside, and up some stairs. And up more stairs, and up more even yet. Past floor after floor of club, unsure where they were sending us, or how we'd ever find our friends in this enormous club.

We finally were on the roof. I started to pick my phone out of my purse in hopes someone felt the vibration from a Where are you? text, when I saw them, standing close to the bar, looking a little bored.

We grabbed a drink and joined them. Trying to talk over the music, dancing some, despite the bachelorette's wounded knee. Mostly gawking at the outfits. We dressed in some of our best going out in Vegas attire, and still we were a bit frumpy compared to the crowd.

The music was great, and several of us were having a bit of fun, but our bride was not. So we left, thinking we would return after finding a little dinner.

That never happened. The many drinks of the day and the sleep deprivation set in, and resting up for the bigger night seemed like the way to go. Apparently as one of the girls said, our old was acting up.